Compassionate Kalyani

The past six months of my life have been quite hard. And the past three months have been unbelievably tough. The kind of things that I am forced to deal with are very hurting and painful. The only consolation for me in this is my entire family is with me on my side and travelling in the same boat. Instead of blaming each other, we are trying to stay together and fight it through.

Even with their unconditional support there are moments I go into this dark place. An abyss so dark that I feel like I am this lonely soul on a deserted, marooned island, unable to see light in any direction. When I look up, I see these heavy dark clouds stretching in all directions, all the way till where I can see without an end. Sometimes, I wonder if I walked into this situation blindly without thinking but other times, I know I didn’t have much choice but walk here with eyes wide open. There are moments when I lose complete hope and feel abandoned. In those moments, my mind is my own enemy. How does one beat a mind which creates terrible situations with nightmarish outcome?

I work like a well-oiled machine, doing my tasks on time irrespective of what keeps going in my mind. The only hindrance I face is when I am forced to give my heart and soul to complete any particular task … like my music class. For the past few weeks, I have been postponing the class or calling in sick and letting my son attend the class alone. Uttering just the Sa of the Sa Pa Sa was such a mammoth task. How do I gather the energy and enthusiasm to sing when my mind is filled with worry? How do you sing when you can’t get a word out to speak your thoughts out?


I guess my teacher had enough of my escapism and she put her foot down during the last class when she said she would not take another class without me in it. So, I prepared myself to sit through the class, but I had no clue how I would get through till the end. And true to my fear, I choked up. My throat wouldn’t just open, and tears started flowing. I had turned off the video to spare embarrassment of giving some excuse. And so it went for the next 40 mins. And my teacher suddenly said that she would teach a new Geetham. A new song…ah! Just what I wanted was all I could think. And I closed to eyes and resigned myself to 20 more minutes of croaking and choking.

We began with the Arohanam and Avaroham of Kalyani and it took me a good 5 minutes to understand the placement of Ma since it is Ma 2 and for those precious minutes I was completely zoned into Ma 2 and mastering it. Once done, she proceeded to tell us that the Geetham she wants to teach is Kamala jadala and she began to sing the song.

And just like that Magic began. Oh what a magic it was. I got lost right in those initial notes. But this time being lost was the best thing that happened to me. The music just poured into me and made me feel light as a butterfly. The notes just went deep into these tiny crevices of my heart and pulled out all those sad, hard, and heavy thoughts out of me. The notes tugged and tugged until it was just me and the song alone but this time in a bright space and with me doing cartwheels around and around until I felt dizzy with happiness. Nah…contentment! Life felt right again. It looked beautiful again. Not that it lacked any luster before, but my pain filled eyes and heart could not appreciate it as much as it deserved.

Maybe it’s the song or the raaga or probably both. Both do equal justice to being the best. I am now in awe of Purandara Dasa. Imagine being able to be in a state of writing such a melody; breathing life into those lines by stringing them together in the raagam Kalyani. Ah! Specially this line “D D D | G G G , “ – Karuna Sharadheee gets me everytime.

After the class was done, I couldn’t get the notes out of my mind. And honestly, I didn’t want to as well. So, I started researching on Kalyani raagam. I came across a few blogs where they described Kalyani as a compassionate raagam – a motherly love. I couldn’t agree more. Imagine a mother running her hand over our hair lovingly again and again while whispering ‘its ok dear….i am here. Don’t worry’ – that’s how calm I felt. They say raagas can sway your moods. If there is a category for a complete raaga which brings contentment, then for me personally, that would be Kalyani. I recorded the swara notes in my mobile and have been listening to it when I feel myself slipping into the abyss of melancholy. Not that I turn into this cheerful, bubbly, and vivacious personality but I definitely feel x100 times better. I feel life conquerable, livable, and beautiful.

 

@Tamrakshar @Anisu @meenasankaran

Thank you for those kind words. I wanted to personally respond but i am not in that place yet. Still reeling and trying to make sense of things at my end. Thanks again for your encouraging words.

@Thyagarajan

Sir, without your fb, my threads would be incomplete. thanks for taking your time out and writing such heartwarming comments.

@iyerviji

Vijima, thank you for your nomination. As i mentioned earlier, my posts gain attention and appreciation because of you.