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Co-sis Is Here, And I Am Nervous Already

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Jun 22, 2017.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    So my BIL and co-sis is here again for 2 weeks vacation from UK.

    We did not have to host them during their last visit. They spent 1/2 of their vacation at PIL's place - our next door anyways, and the remaining days in South India with co-sis's relatives.

    During their last visit, I've heard and witness a lot of atrocities by this co-sis to PILs. She acted as if she came from the heaven, and PILs house was not at all comfortable for her. She complained of heat, sweating and other weather related discomforts throughout her stay. But I heard she was happy and enjoyed her stay in south India which was no different, rather worst compared to our weather during that time.

    PILs tried to fix AC in her room, and made so much facilities to make her stay comfortable though. But she changed her complains to food, water, health, life style, and washrooms.
    In fact, MIL is a great cook though. But she cooks only traditional stuff which a modern girl like co-sis may not like.
    Also PILs are very orthodox and commanding. They use their authority as PILs to interfere, advice and decide certain matters for us. They believe they help us by doing this without knowing how much annoying it can be.
    But they had a hard time with this co-sis.
    In fact, this co-sis is a relative of MIL and Indian.
    She moved to UK at the age of 13.

    Due to this, I chose to keep a very formal relationship with this co-sis since beginning. Even though I tried to become closer at least via social media (family whatsapp etc) from the very beginning, she did not reciprocate. So, I gave up and maintained it in very low profile with her.

    So, last time when it was our time to host them for lunch, I opted to order from a reputed restaurent instead to cook by myself. I made it up as if I wanted to spend quality time with the guest rather than slogging in the kitchen while they are here.
    It worked. Thank God, there was no criticism or complaints about the taste of the food.
    In fact, I feared her blunt criticism and open unsolicited advice on how to make the food properly. I knew that I wouldn't be that patient to bear with her after having spent almost all day in the kitchen just to host them.
    So, my idea of getting food from outside saved both of us last time.

    Nevertheless, she was cool with me throughout her stay last time. Did not show her head weight with me. She was OK.
    BIL was extra nice whenever she became a little too much, specially when it comes to giving me parenting advice (Please note, she is yet to be a mother).

    This time, they are here. The episode of criticism and complaints about PILs hospitality and everything around them has already started. She is very loud, open and very blunt on face while doing it.
    But when she visited us casually, she maintained her cool. Not even once she misbehaved.

    She even asked me to cook for her one day, since she loves to eat my food. I used to upload my recipes in instagram and she used to like them often.
    She mentioned them and openly asked like this.

    Looks like, we will invite them over lunch or dinner during this weekend.
    Since there is a request to cook, I can't order outside food anymore.

    I am all for cooking, and I enjoy cooking and serving my guests too.
    But never once I was criticized or advised by the guests on how to cook better. I would take it as an insult after all my attempts to serve something special for the guests.
    After all, I am not a bad cook. I've earned good remarks from many people for my cooking, and house keeping skills.

    I am not even sure whether this girl will criticise or not. But it makes me nervous even to think about it.
    I can't cook confidently if I am nervous, and my food won't taste better if I lose my confidence.

    I am not an experienced cook. I've learned cooking mainly from the youtube recipes, so you know my capacity.
    But my food tastes and pleases many people and they look yummy in my instagram pics too.

    Now that I should maintain my pride by cooking something confidently to this one, and earn her appraisal.
    At the same time, I should be prepared to deal the worse case scenario too.

    Any helps?
     
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  2. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are you striving to earn her appreciation? Do your best and if she doesn't like it,then its her problem. And it was she who asked you to cook,so she should at least have the basic manners of not criticising. And if she seriously passes some comment, ask her in a smiling way if she can show her cooking skills by cooking at your home.

    Basically show her that she cannot boss around you like she does it with others atleast in subtle acts or blunt responses.

    I really fail to understand as to why you want to be in her good books. When your in-laws itself are finding it difficult with her, why are you bothering about her comments?
     
    Jay4chand likes this.
  3. minn1

    minn1 Silver IL'ite

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    Better order from outside this time also.u can make some deserts if she likes it is ok otherwise i hope all others will like it .Also u will not feel much angry since u didnt put lot of effort.
    as far as ur PIL issue remember this gal was brought up in uk and her hygiene standards,way of thinking ,honesty levels etc would be very different. So,she might not be a bad person but her lifestyle is different and so might be little fussy .please concentrate on her positives (which iam sure she will have).

    Also u can empathise with her if u imagine if were married of to some place where their food habits ,hygiene etc doesnt match yours though they might be good ppl
    since her stay is short these r little adjustments u need to do for family if u want them.if it long term my answer wud have been different. Dont interfere too much on how she behaves with PIL. ur BIL wud know better
    maintain it cordially and since outside food worked no need to try to earn her 'Super-chef certificate'.if u cook and she criticizes ignore it like how u do to a child.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I think you have misunderstood my post. My bad.

    I don't want her appreciate at all. At the same time I am not open for such unwanted criticism and unsolicited advice from her about my cooking skills. That too after having spent sometimes in the kitchen to serve them good food.
    If she does so, like she would do to others, I would not take it lightly or ignore her. I can't do that.
    I will get hurt, and I will surely say something unpleasant, which is what I am bothered here.

    They are our guest, and we are having an OK relationship with them. I would like to continue this relationship stay the same at least for my BIL (who is extremely nice) and for my H (who obviously want a positive relationship with his bro anyway).
    Also, they visit us once a year and spend very very little time with us. So, such hard feelings should be avoided at any cost, right?

    As you said, she should behave first. Because she is the one who asked me to cook. But looks like she doesn't know how to behave. That is the problem and cause of worry.

    Had she been some outsider, I would be blasting at her to hell with her relationship. But she is my co-sis.
     
  5. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Okay,but since you know she doesn't know how to behave, don't feel sad/bad even if she passes some comment. And so, cook with a good mind set. Just leave the rest. If you are already anxious about cooking ,then you might end up making some mistakes in the taste/ingredients. So just relax and do your duty.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I was brought up in abroad and my life style is completely different from that of my in laws too.
    Half of my relatives are brought up in abroad as well.
    We have plenty of visitors from the Europe during each season, so we (including PILs) try our best to keep our house as per a very good standard.
    More than your comfortability and honestly, the good manners is what you are expected to have learnt by living in the Europe.
    It is very bad to be blunt and critical mode about the hospitality of others when you are a guest at their home. If you dislike certain stuff, you can find alternate arrangements decently without bluntly criticising their life style. This is bad, and living in the west can never be an excuse to such indecent behavior.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    This is the problem. I am anxious already and the tension will be high since I hear her comments and behavior daily from PILs home.
    Besides, I am not an experienced cook to show my skills regardless of the circumstance. I am just an average; thus feel less confident to cook before someone like her.
     
  8. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    I think your mother is with you right? If yes, take her help.

    But seriously anxiousness is not good, I have many times experienced that something goes wrong(like salt/spice/ingredients use) when cooking with anxiousness. Don't be too particular about her appraisal.Just ensure you like what you have cooked. That way you will personally be satisfied with your efforts and outcome irrespective of her reactions.
     
    sindmani and SGBV like this.
  9. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi SGBV,

    Cooking is an art, its the cook who brings soul to the recipe.

    I would suggest you to not to be nervous, it will have a negative impact on your health and confidence level while cooking.

    You can just prepare one or two dish by yourself, rest you better order from outside. Reason there is no guarantee that you will be appreciated by your co - sis even after you slog full day in kitchen.

    Second this way you will be able to save your time and energy.

    Best wishes...
     
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  10. vniths

    vniths New IL'ite

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    Keeping such things in mind would definitely make you go wrong or could spoil anything you cook for her,either to be confident & cook with calm mind or better to order like last time.
     
    Dishaa and SGBV like this.

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