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Co-sis coming soon-want to give her some feedback.Should i?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by gauridinesh, Aug 19, 2013.

  1. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    My Husband is the elder of two sons. Ours was a love marriage - even though there were no problems for the marraige since we came from the same caste and horoscopes matched, I've never called or spoken to my ILs until after marriage (as is the norm usually). We've been married for 7 years.
    My ILs are simple people. I have had my ups and downs with them - but they are generally a "no-problem" for me in areas that are usually an issue. They dont depend on us financially, they dont butt into our business and since they stay in a different city - they are not too much trouble.
    Even though I dont like my MIL much - we have never had "open" differences. We are cordial in public and have never opened up about our issues.(which by the way are not huge).I share a 'cordial' relationship with them.Thats all.

    Now, to the problem - my BIL (with whom I have an awesome relation. We are very friendly) is getting married in september. My would-be co-sis is a sweet girl. The only problem is she is too sweet for comfort. She calls ALLLLL of my ILs - including MIL and FIL. So far so good. My FIL has a family feud with his sister - and they are not on talking terms. My future co-sis called up on of my Husband's Cousin and went about enquiring what is the actual reason for the problem etc etc. When my Husband's cousin told her not to worry about it and that the matter is between elders , she said 'dont worry when I come- I will set everything straight. I will make them talk to each other' Now she has kind of become the butt of jokes in my husband's cousins and her mom's conversations. They told me this too. She seems to be calling up alllll of my Husband's aunts and cousins and making one or the other statements that are weird or downright artificial..even to me - she says things like " I will ONLY wear what you want me to wear" or " From now on I will live ONLY like you all tell me to'... I want to tell her to shut up and be careful of what she says, bcos ppl are already judging her.. But I dont want to be mistaken as being jealous or cunning. What do i do ? Keep quiet?
     
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  2. friendlygirl

    friendlygirl Silver IL'ite

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    Yes keep quiet. You need to let people learn things themselves.not because you are being selfish but because they will not understand otherwise. If you tell.her she who does not know the full context yet and is excited about getting married being accepted into a new family will only judge and will take your good intentions the wrong way and this.might get.blown out of proportion.

    Let she be who she is and she will learn soon. That said you can surely give her hints.by your actions and how you behave with your ils. For example...if she brings up.the topic about your fil sister and their problems...you just say I dont want to get invovled and it is theit business...so that she gets a hint...but if she still.butts in...she will.learn on jer own.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What makes you think they didn't talk like this about you and judge you before your marriage?

    If at all, you need to tell anyone to shut up, it is those who are gossiping and judging her like this or telling you that this gossiping/judging is happening. It is not a vice to be too sweet, but a vice to gossip and judge at this level about a person who is not even in the family yet.
     
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  4. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    @Friendlygirl - Thanks for the advice. I do not interact with her too much, so giving a hint is out of question for now, but gradually , yes - maybe.

    @Rihana-
    I do know that I was also put under all this scrutiny and judgement before I came in to the family - especially since mine was a love marriage. As my in-laws, I cannot obviously go to these cousins and ILs and confront them. especially when they tell all this as a "joke about your future sis-in-law". I dont encourage them , I stop them with a "but I think she is a sweet girl and she means no harm". I cannot of course control what they say to others. What I would have wanted her to understand is that these ppl that she is opening up to -are not all very sugary and sweet. She may be trying to impress them, but they go ahead and make fun of her nevertheless.I wish she would understand it-since I already know that they are doing this, I just wanted to protect her from being the butt of these jokes.
     
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  5. sandynar

    sandynar Gold IL'ite

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    Gauridinesh

    You cannot protect her like that.Also if you say something she might get a wrong feeling about you "that you are jealous of her or something along the lines"
    My suggestion would be keep quiet.let her learn stuff , only then she will be mature enough to handle things in the future.
    Every girlhas to go through the scrutiny and judgement before marriage, so let her learn from her mistakes.
     
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  6. HasiniS

    HasiniS Gold IL'ite

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    Yes keep quiet ;-p
     
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  7. HasiniS

    HasiniS Gold IL'ite

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    Let her learn from other's reactions and that's the best way she will actually change for her good.
     
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  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    Noble though your intentions are, I'll just suggest you let her be. Until she is married and becomes a part of your family, let her live under the illusion that she can fix all the problems. Just be dignified and let go of it until she specifically asks your views. Some people are genuinely sweet. For some it might just be a cover for their not-so-sincere intentions. The last thing you want to do is talk to her and realise later that your advice has been twisted to create bad blood about you in he family. Just keep out of it. And let us know hoe she gets on.:coffee
     
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  9. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    @hasinis -thanks
    @vaishnavika - Yes, she has that "adarsh Bahu" written all over her all of the conversations . I can relate to it because at some point of time, all of us have been in the same situation. Whenever she calls me up and tries to get to know if "there are any problems with MIL", I always deflect the question saying " There is nothing major . We all have to adjust wherever we go. She is very supportive.". And i think the idea of asking Hubby or MIL is a perfect answer, Thanks!
     
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  10. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

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    She still seems to be in "teenager" phase where she dreams of an ideal world and have that "I - can - win -this - world - with - my -sweetest - smile" syndrome still. and guess whos the villain? Who ever says that its a dream world she's living in. awwhh comeon!!! Don't be the villain of your co-sis's life ... She'll wake up to reality once she gets married. Until then, just [​IMG]
    Wait until she herself comes for an ointment...
     

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