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Clever SIL and I am a fool....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by priti8683, Aug 24, 2009.

  1. priti8683

    priti8683 Senior IL'ite

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    Hello All,

    I want to know, how frequently do u guys send gifts or money to ur SILs(India or U.S.A) and howthey demand? I mean they demand for any occasion or festivals or fun trips or shopping or education or investment...

    I have SIL, she is getting married in november...She is very very clever...My Dh is the sponsor of her education and marriage....My SIL got engaged 3months back...

    she has started thinking of her DH savings and she is worrying about their savings...My sil's dh also sends money to his parents( small amount of money) but he dnt have any resposibilities like us...She told me she willl buy all jewellery, sarees and dresses( extra ) at her marriage time only...after marriage she dnt wants to spend money for her shopping because she thinks her dh dnt have any savings....she dnt likes him to send the money to his parents too...

    She is not married now, she started thinking of her savings....what about me??????am I fool??????????and she spends all my money for shopping....dnt she think about her own brother???? she spends minimum 2000rs for a daily use dress ...she spends 3000rs on a perfume....but she told me after marriage she is not going to buy all these costly things....she dnt want to waste their money....how clever she is.....how can I handle her? now she is wasting my money...

    I have a question regarding her settlement....they want to settle down in india after her wedding....but If they do that, do we need to send more money to them comparatively in USA right? From a long time I cannt stop thinking about this issue...I am worrying about my SIL... they are not financially strong...for sure they will expect from us in future...

    So let me know, how frequently do u guys send gifts or money to ur SILs(India or U.S.A)..
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2009
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  2. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Priti,

    As u said in earlier post we are sailing on same boat. But the range is different.

    -For Elder SIL, all her kids clothes are from our home only. My PIL gift clothes almost every month. And if it is gift it shd b of good branded material.Recently we gifted study tables and cycles for both kids ( as demanded by kids to my PIL). As ur SIL, mine too thinks of her dh's money not my dh.
    And she teach me everytime how to save money. One day i told u dont have SIL so there is no extra expenditure for you so u save. From that day lecture on How to save moeny is over.:bowdown

    -Younger SIL thinks she is th most adorable in this universe. She demands as if some 2yr child is. Initially we did fulfilled fullheartly but then showed that we cant afford it frequently, and there is limit for demanding from bro too.
    More than that whenever my dh gifts me anything, my MIL starts telling u need to share everything as sisters. I just node my head.

    Also few incidence made us realise that even if we die for them there will be no worth.

    So as of now no gifts except on special occasions. We never entertained demand for money. until and unless there is genuine need for it.

    Sometimes they do grill me on wht will i do with my saving. I told we are saving for ourselves not for others.

    Sometimes i feel rude but this is only way they understand:twisted:.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2009
  3. artcraze

    artcraze Bronze IL'ite

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    make this clear

    Hi Preeti,

    If anyway both of you (your DH & you) are required to take responsibilty of her marriage, first decide your budget or amount to be expended in her marriage.
    Second , discuss this with her that "see we can expend this much for your marriage." So your SIL will get an idea of your budget & leave it upto her what to buy which will fit in that budget given by you.
     
  4. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Priti,

    Do your siblings / parents take care of you and your hubby after your wedding ??

    I dont understand why you would need to continue supporting your SIL and her hubby after their wedding. Being single and living with your parents is different from getting married. Now, he husband needs to take responsibilites ! He needs to handle anything related to her. As simple as that. That is norm ! Why would he or your SIl expect her brother to support them ? Wouldnt they rather not be married if they are yet to manage a decent living ?? I mean, who would take another member into the family when you are struggling for basic needs ? isnt ?

    So, I guess you shouldnt encourage more support to your SIL iff it is expected later !! Who knows this could make the new guy ( her hubby ) coming to your family a lott insecure ! That is not right ! He is a man and is getting into marriage assuring himself he can take care of all responsibilties related to his wife.. Why demean it ? None of you should encourage it , that the girl starts to feel her husband is useless and cannot afford.

    About how she started thinking about her husband' savings.. What is wrong ? Sibling and Husband are different isnt ? She is comparing living on her brother and husband's income.. How can you be a fool here ? If she feels, she should adjust, isnt it a good thing. If she feels she wants to buy most of her clothes during wedding, it IS a good thing ! If your hubby can afford it, what is the problem ? Atleast she wouldnt trouble after her wedding right ? She says, she would rather live accordingly after her marriage !

    Just because your hubby and you spent on her clothes, how would it make you a fool ? Had you stopped it, you would have looked bad ! As daughters we live a different life when with parents, dont we change our way of living and compromise on lotts once we are married ? Similarly, what she wants to do at her mommy's place before wedding and as far as your hubby doesnt have a problem, is entirely fine. You rather be an onlooker as far as it doesnt hurt your living conditions and you had to compromise for her luxury ! That is wrong !!

    Now, she will understand you and your husband a lott better when she gets married ! :thumbsup You simply say, Deja vu !!
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2009
  5. saddestiny

    saddestiny Bronze IL'ite

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    omnam,

    Could'nt help but laugh at your good sense of humor :rotfl

    Laugh again :rotfl

    This one is most hilarious one of all :rotfl:rotfl

    Priti,

    That is exactly what happens with SILs. When its their or their DH money, it is money. If its coming from brothers or others pockets, its not really a big deal right ?

    Be happy atleast your SIL is getting married now and trying to change her expensive habits in the future(or has plans).

    Here we have a SIL married for 15years now but still takes gifts and has mountains of expectations from her brothers.

    She buys treadmill, make up items, sarees, ACs and other gadgets, gets 2-3suitcases of items from US almost every year or every other year(atleast) with brother's money. But with her DH money, she buys investment properties, lands, gold and other important things.

    Honestly, it used to pain me a lot in the earlier days of my marriage. No, not with the money or gifting but with her bad attitude and temperament.

    Now I let it go because giving a gift or money should be done with "No strings attached". Once the item goes out from your hand to the other, forget it and do not hold back any ill feelings.

    Yes, if you do feel burdened by gifting or giving money, then slowly reduce it or stop it.

    But if you do end up giving a gift or helping her shop or buy things for her marriage, then do it with a happy heart. A gift is a gift and NO BURDEN should be attached to it.

    A gift is a free, voluntary and wholehearted gesture, with no strings attached.

    Do not bind any bad feelings on it once it goes out of your hands.

    In the future however, limit your giving away things because then she will be somebody's wife and it is his DUTY as husband to MEET all her needs.

    Unless her DH is a Joru ka gulaam like my SILs husband, most other guys will be mindful if someone always sends across gifts or money to their wife, even if its her brothers. Because it just undermines his own status and capabililty to take care of her needs.

    Good luck,
    Happy destiny.
     
  6. priti8683

    priti8683 Senior IL'ite

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    hey thanks to every one...


    Yes , we do have a problem...so i am thinking about it...I have posted it in other thread...we have sent lot of money to my inlaws....they didnt save anything for her marriage....just they enjoyed...again we will have to send money for her marriage...If my SIL buys normal jewellery or clothes, I dont care about it....She is planning to buy a kundan set,antique set and 1 more diamond set for her SIL's wedding(Her Sil's wedding would be in 3 or 4 years) Actually she has a diamond set....Y she needs an extra diamond set now?...that too almost similar design....this is ridiculous....these jewellery are extra, which are not covered in her dowry...Y cannt she thinks about her brother's family....she knows very well about my savings...we dnt have any savings ....we have many loans...and we need to take a new loan for her wedding...


    My Sil compares with me....I have all those jewellery stuff....but my parents gifted me happily....they dnt depend on their son...My brother just presented a dimond set, which was very very inexpensive for them...my brother and my babhi both are doctors here and citizens too..

    Y she is not thinking about hey brother's savings...she is not married yet, she started thinking of her Dh's savings and y cannt she think about me?????????:bonk We dnt have any savings right?

    I never depend on my brother....so I am expecting her too...Her marriage expenses would fine for me, I dnt have any problem...my dh is brother of her...so we will have to take care of her but her jewellery for future wouldnt fine for me...
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2009
  7. priti8683

    priti8683 Senior IL'ite

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    Omnam, good job.....

    Hey artcraze, Ya we have told my inlaws...but they are still demanding for extra budjet..

    Hey saddestiny, I am worrying about her future expensive gifts....she told me she dnt want to waste her dh money but not ours.....I know my inlaws would demand a huge amount of money for evry occassion....

    I am waiting for her marriage to send off......
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2009
  8. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Outrageously weird !! :bonkNow, I agree she is CLEVER ! I dont call you a fool now.. :) But time to be smart ! But what is your husband's take on all this ?? If you ask her to cut back on such weird expenses would it be fine with him. End of the day, it shouldnt cause any rifts between you and your hubby, Priti ! But if he agrees and wants you to do something, then you have loads to ! :)

    How about taking a loan " JUST ENOUGH " for the marriage. Tell, this is ALL that we can afford. Period. Whatever tantrums she throws. You must also ask her why she needs jwellery for her SIL's wedding in the next decade ?? Tell her, you have enough loans and cannot afford to take more. You have plans for your future and have also begun to worry about your husband's savings, just like her !!

    I feel you must curb it if her luxury is at the expense of YOUR living conditons ! Time to give some Married woman advice ! :)
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    priti,

    The first and foremost important thing is,Don't take all the nonsence what your SIL is thinking and what she is doing?
    What is your DH take on all these?Does he ready to do everything his parents asked for or his sister wished for?
    You need to talk to your DH clealy on this and understand his side of story.
    You need to clearly show your unhappiness on this with your husband.
    If your DH unable to tell his situation with your Il's then you talk to the person who you are comfortable.
    Is your DH directly send money to your SIL or he send money to his parents? If he is not avoiding unnessary spending then tell him that you want to some loan for yourself for some studies or buy some gold sets for your future kids.
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2009
  10. priti8683

    priti8683 Senior IL'ite

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    Hey preethi,

    Ya, I know it is wierd:spin.....she is very very clever...and I am a fool because i didnt think like her right?????? I didnt save anything...

    my dh is mamma's boy....If his mom asks for anything, he sends the money....my SIL has a strong support of my MIL.....But now I am trying to change my mama's boy dh to my side.....

    Ya....I will discuss about my savings with my SIL....already I have started questioning my MIL and SIL.....Indireclty I am giving left and right to my dearones.....:rotfl


    My mother bought a saree long back, my MIL told me...it was not at all good....few days back she bought a same saree...just colour change...so I praised her for selecting that saree and told her my mother has a same saree....she understood my words....:crazy she was speechless...

    She exchanged one of my dh's jewellery( My dad gifted him in marriage) for her daughter without asking me and my dh......Recently I asked her very very wisely...she lied to me...she told me she didnt exchange....But am sure about it....so I am going to ask my dh's jewellery in my SIL's wedding...It would be interesting...:) I know we have sent lot of money to them but y should i leave them???????

    Funniest part is....my MIL says I will be in great position after 2 years.. what about now??????? now they are in great position......they are njoying...
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2009

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