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choice of living with inlaws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rcbajpai, Dec 27, 2009.

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  1. rcbajpai

    rcbajpai New IL'ite

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    Hello friends,

    I am still unmarried and my parents are looking for a suitable groom for me. I am a little confused about living with inlaws after marriage or not.

    Can you tell as to what your thoughts were before marriage and after marriage about living with inlaws? And if your decision changed what made it change and how did your husband reacted to it?

    I prefer living with inlaws but do not know what to expect. I am currently working but do not mind giving up work if required.

    Thank You,
    -RCB
     
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  2. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    You will be able to decide upon his once you are married. It all boils down to the circumstances and your compatibility level with your in laws.

    In my case, I have wonderful in-laws but I am someone who needs her own space. I need my space not only with in-laws but with my family too, so I like living separate. My husband is cool about the idea and as we live out of India we really don't have to think about it much. Moreover, it's my personal experience that if space is maintained then there is more love and respect among family members. Having said this, it still holds that no matter what in time of need and help we will always be there from my in-laws and they are more than welcome in our house.

    regards

    :coffeeShiva
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    RCB... live life as it comes.. you need to be perfectly clear of what you want in life... dont do sacrifices in the begining & then cry later on if your voice goes unheard... unless ur a Mother Teresa & you've dedicated your life for humanitarian services with no expectation in return.

    From my experience this world is about survival of fittest.
    My expectations prior to marriage - I was career oriented & like Shiva I always wanted my own space from my own parents & ILs.. this was more of a requirement due to several years of stay in hostel... hence I would never go for a conservative alliance or with guys who were very clear that they can never stay away from parental home... my DH & his parents acted as broad minded to let us pursue our ambitions & live wherever we wanted... which was my main basis for going with this family ... however their requirements changed as time passed.

    I was never against taking support of them or they living with us when we were busy in our careers.. however again a condition came in to move into their house ASAP as it was against their wishes to shift base within India.. not becos of any medical reason but becos of their social circle. Also I was directed to change my career into a small time 2-3 hr teaching so that I could live with them & entertain their unending guests & produce kids from yr1. It was difficult for me to accomodate the taunts/ sarcasms made by my MIL for me & fly.. MIL used to teach SIL & SILs child to pass off the funniest comments when I reported them to DH.. for which my DH had the excuse.. kids dont have control on thinking & speaking.........

    There were too many things that contributed to my taking decision of moving nowhere closer to them which drifted me & DH apart, finally on a breaking note I told my DH.. ok do whatever you want.. am ready to sit at home.. since that day recession hit & no one got a chance to move....

    So live life as it comes.. no matter how much you clarify/ ensure in starting what you have to go thru its your fate!!!!!!!
     
  4. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    RCB ,
    it depends upon how your inlaws will be
    in my case as i am the only child my dad and me always wanted to go to a home with lots of members and wanted to opt for joint family
    mine is love cum arranged marriage and i was with inlaws
    lots of postives and negitives that i found
    positive
    1) as i was working gal .my mil was doing all house work even though she never let a chance go saying how mean dil i am ..unfortuanetly i had to work in office for 14-15 hrs a day and with night shifts

    negitives
    1)if we cannot gel with inlaws it will be a nightmare.
    2)liberty in things you want to do ..like shopping,cooking,the way you want to keep your stuff anything may or maynot be your choice
    my dh always wanted to be with his parents and i support that
    my mil is little crazy but is a good one
    but like i mentioned once you get marriaed you will know about your in laws everyones case will be different
    and before marriage even if you talk to inlaws and act nice may not be like that in future
    so hope for the best and move on..THINK ABOUT DH ...as long as he is good and supportive no one else can change your destiny
     
  5. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    Well, it depends on how much love and affection and care is mutually shared between you and the in-laws. This is a thing which cannot be generalised.

    But one thing I would suggest is never think of leaving your job. There are umpteen reasons, which may sound petty, but never do that . If ever you think of, it must be only a few years when you have to take care of your kid till it goes to school, then resume the job, that is what I have learnt , from mine and many others experiences.
     
  6. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    If I had given a choice wheather to live with them or not. I might not live with them. I will better stay alone. I really dont want to make u afraid of MIL. but for me I dont like to live with dominating personalities.
     
  7. rosary

    rosary Gold IL'ite

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    i too wanted to live with the in laws ....
    but now i am really very happy that iam staying away from them and out of their interferences in my life .
    luckily they too like it this way that we see them only annually as they like to live like free birds .
     
  8. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear,

    Its a matter of how your circumstances are. My case my hubby is the only son and inlaws are with us. But I never had any major problems with my MIL or FIL. Actually I am working and work long hours as I am IT. I am really lucky that my MIL takes care of house chores and ensures i really need not bother anything at home. I am very grateful to her as i just need to worry about office. In any case if we have to live with inlaws both the parties should be flexible. If they are adjusting on few things we have to adjust on few things.

    As the saying goes ' What you give is what you get', inlaws are usually good if we are good to them. There are exceptions also.I had problems when my SIL visited from US for couple of months SIL was complaining that I am not doing any house hold stuff and her mom is doing everything at home etc., etc., Actually my MIL had to do more work coz of SIL and her two kids. If we are just 4 (me,DH, FIL and MIL) there is not much of work as we are not really foodies, but ok as long we get some home made food. But my SIL is particular about food and will eat only certain type and MIL had to do seperate cooking for the kids. i was not able to help MIL during those days as there was a critical go live in my office and I was working for 15-16 hours.SIL didnt want to do any work when she was here and expected me to everything.But I was not due to extreme work pressure. She lashed at me, but I didnt open my mouth for anything, coz that will worsen our relationship. I kept telling myself she is here only for 2 months so bear and dont explode.

    Of course it worked she left and everything was back to normal. She aplogised to my hubby about her behaviour later. This time when she was around I ensured that I take care of stuff for me and DH. Left MIL soley for her daughter and grand children. So she was quiet this time.

    The inlaws relationship cant be smooth, there will be frictions, we need to ensure we adjust as much as possible and things will be ok soon. But dont compramise to the extent where you lose your self respect.
     
  9. rins123

    rins123 Senior IL'ite

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    Well....

    I am / was also a working girl before marriage and continued working post marriage...I also had the idea of living with in laws before marriage.....and I did live with them for period of 2 months before we relocated to US.....we had as it is thought of buying our home irrespective of whether we stay there now or no.....so after having moved here.....I have realised the following:

    1) As a newly married couple, you need your space....with inlaws (I had BIL also staying and house was small)....the most that a newly wed couple does is physical intimacy....with ILs and others in house having their schedule set.....there is very little time you get if you are working

    2) Also your body takes time to adjust to all these changes so you need things at your pace which might not happen with ILs, in my case my MIL had someone visiting everyday to meet the new "bahu" and not to mention the endless meals at relatives place.....so if ou guys live separate....time can be bought for all this......beleive me it is imp...I fell sick because of this......

    3) Again as someone mentioned...cooking/decorating the house as you want, etc are the pleasures you will miss out on.....my MIL used to tell "for a year I will not let my DIL cook"....but honestly she used to do certain things in her home her way...so she never wanted to change that....

    5) Your ILs are 50+ and it is difficult for them to adjust.....so you will have to do most of the adjustments...some you do not like....

    6) Some ILs also have this funda of having their bahu dressed up in a certain way.....mind you they might not tell you in beginning but as you marry it might start showing....my MIL used to tell me "You look good in jeans but my friends were saying your bahu looks good in salwars...ask her not to wear western clothes for now..."......

    7) You may have ease of MIL helping you for cooking but that can be achieved with hep of maid......

    I beleive in one thing " Just as you cannot read newspapers if they are too close, relationships are bettr maintained if kept at some distance"

    8) My DH had told me before marriage if I mind staying with his parents as he could not buy a house now...to which I agreed ....but with all different instances I changed my opinion and had a lot of resentment from DH.....I now feel I should have been more smart when I first met him by saying "Staying with parents depnds on how much I am comfortable and how much freedom I get."....remember one thing staying with Ilaws is not an obligation for any marriage...no guy can force a girl to stay with his parents...if you do stay.....it is your wish......

    So whenever you meet guys...if you have the option of buying your own house go for it ....but if you dont make sure this option will become available at some time with someone you marry.....because someday you will have your kids and they will need their space as well....
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Old thread revisited so closing it
     
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