I should probably know when to shut up, but then I felt compelled to respond .... You need to ask yourself what the origin of this “disgust” is. When you got physical (as that 70s song put it!), you were in love. You were confident enough seek intimacy. Your boyfriend was a cad – he betrayed you. Now, that very same act, which was “love” when it happened, engenders disgust. Do you not see that you are creating the ‘frame’ and the interpretation that turns one thing into another? That you are the alchemist turning gold into lead? I agree with this. Your confused thoughts (I hope you will forgive me for saying this!) are a perfect illustration of a society in transition. On the one hand you were confident enough to have a boyfriend, to fall in love, to seek intimacy. When the relationship failed, you were confident enough to get on with life and build a new life for yourself. A previous generation would have found this near impossible. But then suddenly your upbringing in our traditional society re-surfaces, your confidence fails you, you are ‘disgusted’ with yourself. When did an act of love turn to disgust? Why?– because you are in transition yourself, caught between the past and present, between tradition and …. dare I say it, ‘modernity’? And why the coyness – “s**” ? Really ;-)? That’s what brought us all here – including those who would sit in judgment of you ...! Please don’t torture yourself with such negative thoughts - they are worse than useless! We don’t ‘find’ happiness – we create it. It’s a talent worth cultivating. All too often, we create our own misery as well – as you appear to be doing. Again, there was no betrayal on your part. Let it go, OK?