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carrying guilt for the past 5 years

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by simplegirl1, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah Finest Post Winner

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    I should probably know when to shut up, but then I felt compelled to respond ....
    You need to ask yourself what the origin of this “disgust” is. When you got physical (as that 70s song put it!), you were in love. You were confident enough seek intimacy. Your boyfriend was a cad – he betrayed you. Now, that very same act, which was “love” when it happened, engenders disgust. Do you not see that you are creating the ‘frame’ and the interpretation that turns one thing into another? That you are the alchemist turning gold into lead?

    I agree with this. Your confused thoughts (I hope you will forgive me for saying this!) are a perfect illustration of a society in transition. On the one hand you were confident enough to have a boyfriend, to fall in love, to seek intimacy. When the relationship failed, you were confident enough to get on with life and build a new life for yourself. A previous generation would have found this near impossible. But then suddenly your upbringing in our traditional society re-surfaces, your confidence fails you, you are ‘disgusted’ with yourself. When did an act of love turn to disgust? Why?– because you are in transition yourself, caught between the past and present, between tradition and …. dare I say it, ‘modernity’? And why the coyness – “s**” ? Really ;-)? That’s what brought us all here – including those who would sit in judgment of you ...!
    Please don’t torture yourself with such negative thoughts - they are worse than useless!
    We don’t ‘find’ happiness – we create it. It’s a talent worth cultivating. All too often, we create our own misery as well – as you appear to be doing. Again, there was no betrayal on your part. Let it go, OK?
     
  2. simplegirl1

    simplegirl1 New IL'ite

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    Hi Sokanasanah,

    I dont know what am writing but seriously getting blows from everyone.As my husband did'nt have any pre marital s** its obvious for him to expect a girl the same way...right? that's the reason i mentioned that i should not have done that with the other person...and this is my guilt and that's the reason all the time i feel disgusted...i think like this...how nice it would be if i did'nt have any s** with him.I think like this because my husband obviously cannot accept me...

    seriously you misundersood me or i did'nt interpret properly...i dont know...s** with my husband how can i say its disgusting...i seriously love him a lot...this was actually hurting me....

    anyways all the positive energy which i acquired since yesterday is turning into a negative one...today morning i was actually very much happy to know that everyone is supporting me...
     
  3. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah Finest Post Winner

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    oh, no, no, no - obviously I did not express myself clearly :hide:! It was not my intention to hurt you, quite the opposite, I was trying to point out that you are needlessly making yourself unhappy, that you are hurting yourself!
    I was trying to say that both your physical involvements came out of love. They came out of a good part of you. So, why not accept that? It was beautiful then - my point is that it remains beautiful!!! Even if the boyfriend turned out to be an idiot - get it? That notion of 'disgust' is of your own making. I am not disgusted OK? I do not think any less of you!
    Why castigate yourself? Ask yourself how productive such a line of thought is! Yes, I understand that perhaps your husband will not understand a 'confession' from you. So then is the answer a lifelong burden of guilt? Would that absolve you? Would that make for a better marriage? Would it help to confess and perhaps destroy the marriage as you say it might? Would that lead to a "simplergirl"? Would that be great for your child? No! OK, so looking back on your life, you feel that the previous involvement was a mistake - but that is hindsight, always 20/20! For a "simplegirl" you have a talent for making things complicated!
    I would like you to embrace your confident self - every choice of consequence that we make is fraught with risk. Reflection, introspection, self-criticism - these are worthwhile. Even guilt may be useful as a catalyst that prompts reflection - but simply ruminating over a past that cannot be changed is wasted energy. I was trying to extend a hand in support, OK? Perhaps it came across as a little sharp, but it was intended to wake up the "confident you", yes? :)
    re-post and tell me you get what I'm trying to say or let me clarify - even at the risk of boring everyone else!
     
  4. simplegirl1

    simplegirl1 New IL'ite

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    Hi Sokan,

    I was trying to say that both your physical involvements came out of love. They came out of a good part of you. So, why not accept that? It was beautiful then - my point is that it remains beautiful!!! Even if the boyfriend turned out to be an idiot - get it?

    This is what i did'nt understand...what's wrong if i say i am getting a disgusted feeling for having *** with him...i mean...i loved him but he did'nt love me right?...then how could that feeling be beautiful...

    love making with my husband is a beautiful feeling i accept...because he loves me and i love him...its that simple!

    Now you may ask me...i know... so its ok for you if he seriously loved you and had *** with you.In the first place if he loved me deinitely i would not marry another person today.My parents would have definitely allowed me to marry him.

    In second place if i did'nt marry him( though he loves me ) i would be thinking about that person no matter how nice my DH might be.ALL THESE ASSUMPTIONS ARE BASED ON WHAT IF HE TRULY LOVED ME.

    you can still correct me if am wrong...because i want to know...what am thinking
     
  5. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah Finest Post Winner

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    I cannot speak for your husband. However, I would like to point out ever so gently that human beings don't come with little warranties assuring "complete satisfaction or your money back!" We are complicated, muddled, flawed creatures. No matter what he imagines he wants, he's got you. He loves you, you love him. I see a recipe for a happy life.
    What sort of love is it that we could say "oh sweetheart ... I love you more than life itself" one minute and then instantly turn around and say "what? you slept with somebody five years before you met me? I don't love you any more!'
    Be true to your name, remain a "simple(+happy)girl", don't confuse yourself with the needless guilt that the limitations of our society implanted into your psyche, OK?
     
  6. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah Finest Post Winner

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    We never really know what is going on in another person's mind. If you cultivate a certain degree of self-awareness (and many people don't) then you can know what your feelings and thoughts are. When I say "it remains beautiful" I mean that if it came from your heart, if you loved him then, that's all there is - this is why we call it intimacy, get it? - we put ourselves at risk when we love someone, rejection in some form may be just around the corner. That vulnerability is what elevates us and it's what brings us pain when things turn sour. But from where you stand, you can only know yourself ..... no matter how close we feel, there still remains that unbridgeable gulf with the other person. So, if you did it for love, it remains beautiful. If he did not love you, that's something about him, not about you.

    Our thoughts are like a little TV playing in our heads - a thousand channels in full color, surround sound - except we often don't have control over the remote. If there is one thing Indian philosophy teaches us, it is to develop enough awareness to take control of the remote. This is the very essence of Yoga. We have a million voices in our heads, but we do not have to identify with every one. Most of it is chatter, just noise. We can choose the nurturing voices over the destructive. That voice of guilt that's speaking so loudly and insistently in your head is no more "you" than that other voice which I hope is saying "I am a lot more than my past indiscretions - I am worthy of my husband in every way". Choose the nurturing voice over the destructive. Until you do that you won't know what you are thinking - "you" are not thinking - your "thoughts" have got control of "you" - get it?
     
  7. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh simple girl....true to your name..you are really simple,innocent and pure.what the other posters are saying is that you loved the 1st guy,so you made love to him.he cheated you...it was not your fault.you did it because you truly believed that you will marry him,so don't call it disgusting.
    anyway..even though you did it,you still are simple and pure at heart.The only mistake you did was that when your husband revealed a side of his,you should have told about yourself....but who knows,if you had done that,you would have lost out on this good man (maybe or maybe not) and he would have lost a beautiful girl like you.whatever happens, happens for the best.so just forget all this and go on with your life.Also never think that you are inferior to your husband. forget everything,let go.
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2010
  8. KKalpana

    KKalpana New IL'ite

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    Jo ho gaya so ho gaya...
    past is past.. you did not do anything wrong then and now..
    u were living in the present..then that seemed right ..
    if the other person cheats, i dont understand how it is your mistake..
    why r u spoiling your present for someone u dint mean anything...for someone who used you..
    how are u saying a nice husband..u deserve a nice person and so u got him..
    so cherish that..not everyone is lucky to have nice husband.

    coming to the cheating part ..if u r having an extra marital affair now..after married to your husband then you are cheating..
    u fell for a wrong person .. that person left u and ran away ..i just dont understand how it is your mistake..

    pls cherish the family you have now...

    u did not do anything wrong..that time ..those things seemed right cos u believed in that person..sometimes we are so naive tht we fall in the jadoo of the wrong people ...

    i hope i helped ..goodluck...
     
  9. simplegirl1

    simplegirl1 New IL'ite

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    Hi Sokan,

    U know am happy now.Its because i understood what you are saying.

    Thanks for taking all those pains in enlightening me about the situation.:)

    To be frank enough,all the guilt which has been accumulated for the past 5 years will just not go away in a single day...right? so whenever in the future if i again get the same stupid thoughts ( am sure i will try my level best not to get them again ) i will open this thread and extract some energy from it.
     
  10. simplegirl1

    simplegirl1 New IL'ite

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    Hi Rose,

    The only mistake you did was that when your husband revealed a side of his,you should have told about yourself....but who knows,if you had done that,you would have lost out on this good man (maybe or maybe not)

    From that day itself the guilt started.The moment he revealed something from his side my respect for him went like an increasing graph.I really did'nt want to tell him because of the fear of loosing this person.

    But seriously i dont have the same guilt which i used to have before.All the credit goes to people who adviced me here.
     
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