1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Can't Tolerate Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by soulful, May 5, 2021.

  1. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,179
    Likes Received:
    2,299
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    hello All, hope you are safe and healthy.

    It's been a while since i came here to write about my Mil dil issues. I was going through a tough phase trying to concieve a child and these issues were not priority. Now i have a child, with God's Grace and the issues with mIL have come back. particularly because mil is here to stay. H is applying for her GC.

    the issue is she hasn't changed a bit but I have. The amount self restraint i had earlier, I have lost it. I lose my patience easily now. I am caring for my child (1.5 years) 24/7. H does help but i am the primary caregiver. My child does what every toddler does. throwing tantrums, screaming, throwing etc. etc. and I because i am a human being, get angry, scold her. My mother in law just sits there and judges me as if I am committing a crime. She tells me not to scold her because she's a child. To be fair, she's always polite and sweet talking to mychild and expects me to be like that. I mean for a person who does nothing but sits and smiles and takes no responsibility, how hard can it be to keep her cool? Of course from time to time she will lend her voice repeating my words to mychild which is not serving any purpose other than contributing to the noise.

    With covid, we are all at home and it just feels crowded. It s not the physical space, it is the mental space. I dread going to the main room because she will be there day in and day out. before child, I had the option of staying inside the room before busy with my own work, but now i can't because i am caring for my child 24/7. It is taking a toll on me because i have no break whatsoever. from MIL. TO be honest I HATE HER. there i said it.

    I had to vent. if you guys can give solutions on how to handle my temper, that would be great.
     
    Loading...

  2. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,017
    Likes Received:
    1,019
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    Don't get pregnant again anytime soon.
    You had written that 24/7 thing twice in your vent. You must hand over the baby to the MIL in the living room, shut yourself up in your room, listen to music in a heaphone, or watch a movie, or take a nap. After all, MIL is doing well enough to take care of the baby. Perhaps that is the reason your H wants to keep her for good. Let her help.
     
  3. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,847
    Likes Received:
    1,956
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Like the other user mentioned, is it possible for you to actually leave your child with your MIL for sometime? If yes, pls do that. It will be a reality check for her too about scolding your baby. Just as you mentioned, sitting simply and sweet talking isn't anything surprising.

    I don't see any other option considering the current COVID scenario. Your husband might really want his mother to stay with you guys now. And for you to be hating her, it is completely fine to not like someone. Just ensure not to use cruel words to her when in bad mood. Otherwise just remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
     
    soulful likes this.
  4. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    52
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Well, everybody who are having a toddler and staying with inlaws are going through the same situation. Been there and still there every now and then.
    Make your child to play with her toys in your room itself. Dont let her play infront of mil for sometime in a day. And then sometime in a day leave your child to your mil and you relax. So maintain a balance. Since your husband helps you a bit it would not be that difficult to manage your child.
    Even if you shout its of no use as the child will not understand anything. The moments she starts throwing things , or screams send her to your mil.
    My daughter will be with me in my most of the times during my working hours. She plays, watches baby cartoons and poems for sometime and then I spend some time with her to give bath and make her ready.
    Later in the evening when I am in kitchen she plays with her dad and ILs for sometime and again back to me.
    My mil is also of strange character. She entertains my dd based on her mood. If she is no mood she will ask my dd to go to her mom or dad. In my H absence she would not even raise her head and see even my dd is screaming or crying or whatever. She responds only when my H is around.
    Having seen this for the past year, I have become quite neutral for all these situations most of the times.
    When me and my husband are in our room discussing something or the other while dd is with mil, She creates so much havoc as if my dd is gonna fall off from height and screams deliberately so that our lonely time breaks.
    Sometimes i feel i should not send my dd to mil at all. But again i come to terms that it would be wrong on my part and just move on.
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2021
    soulful and SCA like this.
  5. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    260
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all, dont feel guilty about hating your MIL. You are not wrong in feeling that way. I found this wonderful indusladies family on a really frustrating day when I typed "I hate MIL" in my google search . So you are not alone in that feeling :)
    Covid has made everything 10 times worser - no way to go out and escape the monotonity and there is no way to escape from the household chores that have now become 24/7. So, the first thing to do is to take measures to take a break from your chores (yes, that means even the kid). I dont how the Husband situation is, but making him an ally is the biggest plus point right now. Tell your H "Why dont you and mom take the kid out to the park? I think mom will also enjoy the time spent with you" - brownie points in husband's eyes too. Tell him non confronationally that you need a small break - a 30 minute time to yourself so that you can rest . See how he reacts.
    Take baby steps and build from there
    Hugs
     
    soulful likes this.
  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,199
    Likes Received:
    1,376
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Yeah MILs can be irritating this way, and you have no choice but to stay indoors and tolerate her.
    Also, there is no point in scolding a 1.5 year old toddler, she is to small to understand. But patents are also human, can understand your frustration, you maybe tired with handling tantrums and household chores which are never ending.
    So solution is to let your MIL play with her darling grand daughter while you keep yourself occupied with office work or relax.
    Keep praising your MIL as to how sweetly and lovingly and patiently she handles the child.
    After all childcare is the biggest issue during Covid times as you can’t employ a nanny or send kids to daycare.
    Use this opportunity to do your work, learn some skills, attend some classes and relax while your MIL pets and pampers the child.
     
    Thyagarajan and soulful like this.
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,179
    Likes Received:
    2,299
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Thankyou everybody for taking a minute to reply.

    @Hopikrishnan - I am nit trying to get pregnant for sure. One and done especially the first one did not come easy.

    @iamsrihere @preeti6years @winterhue @Needtobestrong

    I have a weird mil too. Handing over lo to mil is if no use. I have tried that. The moment she realizes I have gone to take a minute fir myself she reminds my child I am missing and both of them come looking for me. Well, mil brings her to me. So basically she is the kind who doesn’t take responsibility and then whines about nit being allowed to take responsibility. Oh the ‘ ‘poor me’ kind. I can’t let her take her outside because I cannot trust her to take care of herself on the streets, never mind my child. With my husband - he has time in the evenings when it is too cold for her to venture out.

    I have to remember this too shall pass but the end date is not visible so it is really frustrating.
     
  8. GregoriaBoul

    GregoriaBoul Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    125
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    This is an interesting discussion you guys got here. I saw a lot of points from different perspectives.
     
  9. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    52
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly. Something similar happens here too. That is why I never handover my child on my own to MIL come what may. She will volunteer to take care of dd only when she understands that DH is loosing his cool.
    When dd is with MIL its altogether another headache. Earlier she was teaching nothing but slokas to her. I showed my disagreement on this. But was of no use. It was then when my dd started getting obsessed with these for the whole day my Husband lost it and shouted at his mom. Things came to a halt then. Keeping all that in mind she sounds very sarcastic these days to my dd. She says that she would have to hear an earful for her son if something goes wrong. Or she says that dd has to learn all hi-fi things now.
    Basically my relationship with MIL has strained so much that I just hate whatever she speaks to my dd now. I just dont speak out.
     
    soulful likes this.
  10. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,179
    Likes Received:
    2,299
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    @preeti6years

    my mil doesn’t teach her anything meaningful. She sits smiles and when dd is trying to communicate, all she says is she doesn’t understand. The thing is, no one understands what a one and a half year old is saying. You just guess, go by trial and error and keep the conversation going. She has limited vocabulary when it comes to dd - don’t do that, don’t go there, what are you trying to say? I don’t understand you.... blah blah
     

Share This Page