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Cant Talk To H

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by YoGirl, Jul 22, 2020.

  1. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    I am in a weird situation and need a place to vent..

    me and H had loads of fights during first 5 yrs of marriage.. shouting, blaming, finger pointing, taking sides.. but never physical abuse.

    Ours is love marriage and hence the bad side of MIL or each of us blindly supporting our parents led to our fights. He would often utter divorce and I fought back saying that he plans for an easy route and challenged him to face situation like an adult and to keep our childrens future in mind.

    fast forward, we moved away from in-laws and my parents to US, but we are still in good terms with both sets of parents.. their visits, stays, etc

    the way we are maintaining peace is by not bad mouthing each other or parents. So, any issues or irritations will be faced silently. I will be pissed for 3 days and then i get back to normal. I shop, binge eat, show irritation, but never talk about it. Cuz in the past, it led to fights.. Right now, I am angry on my mil and H about something.. i am silently showing my discomfort and reading or watching tv or just going for drives myself..

    This time, I feel like shouting and pointing the mistakes to mil and H( as they have done in first 5 yrs), but I am holding back for the long term peace.

    what is the point in not talking and sharing frustrations with H. We leave our parents, siblings, country, friends, etc to be with spouse.. and strangely cant be open with spouse and cant let out the feelings!!
     
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  2. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Is this anger/frustration is because of the new incident/situation that triggered or the previous (first 5yrs) fights and slide down your memory triggering the anger? if it is later, I would say just pass the anger by working out or listening to music or talking general stuff with an old friend, because it is waste of time to bring back all bad memories and spoil your current set-up. If it is about former reason mentioned above then have a calm and content conversation just about the topic and discuss only around that, even if your spouse bring up any past issues, let him know you are not interested in them and would like to move-on (if you really feel it is valid). This way you will attain peace in many ways, cannt explain in words but one needs to experience that!!

    Good luck
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2020
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  3. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    This is a new issue related to household chores..

    My mil would create a scene when I missed even a single chore..and the fight with her or silent treatment from H would haunt me for days or sometimes months.. Now, she is getting away soo easily and not lifting a finger related to some cleaning chores.. How difficult is it pick up a toy thats lying in the walking path of living room.. or to put mats in the proper place after i vaccum or mop the floor. I know that its my house and she is just a guest. And any simple help she does counts.. But, the taunting that I faced for same or intense chores in my initial years of marriage keeps me unhappy till date.
     
  4. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Yes strange indeed..when in love we think oh wow a person I can talk to about anything and everything under the roof..that person will always be on MY side.. we fantasize about so many things.. so we decide to marry that person.. (even in arrange marriage the expectation is that the husband always stands by his wife)

    And the BOOM!!! Everything comes crashing down.. earthquake tsunami hurricane drought all of it happens in our life suddenly..it's hits so suddenly that we were never ready for..

    Slowly fights and resentment for each other starts and we ( husband and wife) zip our mouths, each day the wall gets built around each other to protect ourselves. It gets taller by the minute.. Sometimes you would think oh okay let me give it another go and you chip your walls and either one hurts each other and the walls go up even faster..

    So when this is cycle, we wait for the spouse to break our walls( because that is what they did when we were in love).. we being the creator of it are not able to break it..It's so strong..

    Well if it makes you feel any better even I have lost the first few years of the "honeymoon" phase, with similar problems.. I would say I lost it because of the jealousy and cunning manipulative behaviour of mil. She put her nose into my relationship and spoilt it for us. And now I am in the phase, where the wall is built so high that I am better off being alone is the feeling.. hopefully I will be able to come out of this dark fort I have created..

    Now coming to the other part of the question..just ghost her.. she does something good acknowledge it until and unless it is genuine.. otherwise just treat the person as a shadow that will do nothing!! That's it.. simple to say hard to follow..
    Eg: there are a few tasks that I don't mind doing but she takes over to show her dominance or to keep that card( see I did this task,DIL didn't do) if any fights occurred..so I am quite even though I am furious..keep saying to myself "one task less for me whohoo:banana:"
    If she doesn't do anything in my head she ceases to exist.. I say to myself "aw man I need to finish this task, let me plan on how to finish it" I think that I live by myself..well because a shadow can't do anything except maybe scare you sometimes scare you.

    I keep my silence just for my own sanity.. And if they are giving you silent treatment let them be..less ppl to talk to and eat your head.. when under discomfort we want to show and expect them to ask "is everything okay?" Trust me no one will ask.. everyone is bothered of their own feelings.. so rather than expecting them to ask think of it this way.. they don't ask then you are not entitled to ask as well..(until you feel that is you should)

    Before I make it a big post and mostly about myself:p let me tell you one thing..
    You just be the person you are.. Be kind to everyone and respectful..but don't overdo it and expect the same..
    And if there are chores you need help with, either do it yourself or might as well pay someone to do it.. then no one can point fingers (I did that for you)..
    And I know it is very hurtful and you will always remember that you lost the first 5years of relationship that is supposed to be beautiful..but do you want to make your next 30-40years of your life miserable?

    You keeping peace and silence is not so that your relationship gets better, but it's for yourself!! You keeping silence improves the relationship with your own self.. lesser conflict in yourself.. and that in turn MIGHT improve your relationship with your spouse, however it surely will improve the relationship that you have with yourself..

    So work on that first.. when the light within you starts to glow, the shadows (negative) people) disappear.

    Hope you don't get bored..just vented my feelings as well in your post:D

    :ciao::beer-toast1:
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2020
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  5. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    Sweety2019 you have highlighted the expectations part very well. Both husband and wife have expectations from each other. Both feel their expectations are not met. With time both creat walls.

    So here also OP has certain expectations from her MIL which remain unfulfilled. Hence the dissatisfaction.

    IMO less expectations is the solution. And as you said it is easier said than done.
     
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  6. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    You can't do that with spouse. As much you love him, most men don't like it when you point out any fault in matters or people important to them. For their parents, no question at all, and for others like siblings and relatives, it depends on their equation before marriage. In any case if the siblings/friends were on good terms with husband, you cannot find fault with any of them, because it as good as finding fault with the husband himself !. Never mind the fact that the other party might have gotten on your nerves many a time, even created misunderstandings. IMHO, just don't bring it up with him at all and you don't stress yourself about it. I never talked about his side - friends or family in the last 10 years, yet those rare occasions where I have had to tell him not to involve a friend or family, he gets miffed. According to him they are well wishers. Maybe they are, but that's only at a distance, when they get involved in personal matters, things change drastically. If you are lucky, hubby may realize it in this lifetime, otherwise never. Just wish and do not fight with him on this. Don't even keep it in your mind. You will lose your peace of mind.
     
  7. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Wow... you knocked me out..
    I totally am on our side.. when you talk about the wall.. you have written beautifully. Thanks!!
     
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  8. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    So, my husband asked if everything is ok. He sensed my discomfort. I said that I am having headache..cuz thats what i have with all the inner thoughts fluctuating..
    Strangely, him asking was enough for my headache to vanish.. that feeling that he still cares for me... i choose to forget this battle for now.. as many wise ladies in this forum mentioned ‘pick your battles’
     
  9. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, for all we care, is that they listen, at least sometimes.
     
  10. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

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    I am glad you got resolution. I have been in the same situation and the first two years, I would feel really bad that I could not talk about all this to H. It was like we lost our emotional connection.
    Nowadays (and this is very very recently) my H has also started sensing it when something is wrong and he usually knows its because of my MIL. During that time, i would say "Im sorry i'm a little agitated, but something has pissed me off. I wont discuss about it because we would fight , so I'm just going to blow steam". Sometimes he shrugs his shoulders and doesnt follow up. Sometimes he says "its ok, dont think about it. Take your time to recover.". I still get pissed off when he doesnt ask "what happened?", but I have matured to understand that he cannot talk about his mom without being defensive.
     

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