Can't get over over my wife's physical affair with somebody else in the past

Yes, I am sure most readers here have heard it as well ..... that's why I said 'famous' . In most cases, when we respond to posts, we are only reminding people of what they already know, but have forgotten temporarily, overcome by the emotions of the moment, right?! It is indeed a perfect teaching story as many of those old parables are!

 

Yes, indeed times have changed and we need to learn to adapt. Even as we struggle with these issues of arranged marriage / love marriage, family pressures, marriage after divorce, virginity as a measure of ‘purity', khandaan ki izzat, apni aukaat / unki aukaat (family honor in society, status) the next generation of problems are creeping up on us. I don’t see any posts, yet, on IL where someone says - ‘my son came to me and confessed that he is gay, I don’t know what to do’ or ‘I am a married woman, but I find that I have a crush on my female co-worker, is this normal?’—but this is bound to happen someday and someday soon. These are biological drives, mostly hardwired, spanning a continuous spectrum. Where does our traditional mindset hide then? Times are indeed changing very fast but our ability to deal with these changes lags very far behind. It would be in our own best interests to learn to cope.

 

Its not that only Indians care about virginity much. I guess Mormons stay virgin till marriage.

 

Oh yes of course, and not just Mormons. Liberated female sexuality is a fairly new thing even in the west. There have been Christian movements to encourage teenagers in the US to abstain from pre-marital sex and wear a "promise ring" to signify the 'virginity until marriage' pledge. Some of those rings have the word "Purity" engraved on them. If you google it, you can still find them for sale.

Two ideas of sex are at war here:
One is the notion of sex as something to be saved for the socially sanctioned institutions of marriage and parenthood. The other is the idea of sex as a physical expression of love and a normal part of adult life. The second view may include sexual compatibility as an important part of overall compatibility in a couple.
The first leads to the fear of 'what if my spouse is not a virgin' and the second to the fear of 'what if I don't like my spouse in bed' - we have seen many variations of both in these threads.
The idea is not to encourage pre-marital sex. After all, who wants the teenage pregnancy problem on top of the ones we already have? The point is to be clear in your own mind what your expectations are, be careful to ensure, to the extent possible, that they are met, and frail, flawed creatures that we are, develop a constructive way of dealing with disappointments that arise when expectations are not met.
I would not knock the OP for his expectation. That is consistent with traditions in our society. The question is how to deal with the disappointment, the sense of betrayal, now that his expectations have been belied.

 

Where's OP?

 

Sexual revolution in sixties (in western world) was centered around women expressing their sexuality. This sexual revolution became part of bigger feminism movement of the west.

Centuries ago virginity was guarded till marriage because we did not have contraceptives like condoms/pills.
Women were always forbidden from having pre-marital sex. Since they had to pay heavy penalties of being single mothers if precaution were not taken. On the other hand men were free to explore with their "lothario" behavior.

However, even our bodies are designed with keeping in mind the sex as a form of physical expression. Women can and will get pregnant during certain time of their menstrual cycle. And bodily fluids like acids et. al. in vagina make it really hard for sperms to travel to ovarian eggs. Thus, the whole ideology of using sex for the sake of progeny is flawed.

Now the question of Indian traditions? Well, lets accept the fact that we as Indinas are averse to changing our traditions and culture. If we try to change that we have people shouting their heads about copying west. At the least, we can hope not to make any big deal of sexual history of our spouse. Be it current or future.

India is in desperate need for its own sexual revolution!!!!

 

Is India in need of a sexual revolution or...........................?

 

for a country with 120 crore and counting population, what we immediately need is new habitation

 

Not centuries ago, but until much more recently than that. Moreover, traditionally, it's paternity that was at issue, not just purity. This is an evolutionary imperative, with economic overtones. The social strictures served to preserve unambiguous line of paternity in patrilineal society for the inheritance of property. Condoms & the pill are liberation from the biological burdens of pregnancy, but not the social burdens of ''purity'. Even today, even in the west, exuberant sexuality signifies virility in men and quite something else for women.

This is a flawed understanding of a biology more complicated than you might imagine. Sex is pleasurable because it is a physical inducement to the act of procreation. The biology favors procreation, not pleasure. In some animals, bonobos for example, the pleasure principle has been adapted in profound ways for social use, including conflict resolution, in addition to sexual ones. This occurs in humans as well. The same hormones (oxytocin, vasopressin) and neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin) are employed in sexual and in other forms of pleasure and social bonding or bonding between mother and child (attachment). The biology overlaps. It is cultural evolution overlaid on top of the biological that makes sex an expression of love. Most of the animal kingdom has sex, but not love in the sense that we understand it. So, it is not true to say that " the whole ideology of using sex for the sake of progeny is flawed." It is better expressed as: "While sex may have its evolutionary origins in procreation, in a highly evolved (= complex brain, cortex) species such as humans it has great significance in other, very vital dimensions as well". The hormones in the body actually change as relationships progress from attraction to attachment.

Well, the revolution is already underway.
Where the OP is concerned: The pace of adaptation is different for different people and it is best we let them find their own path. 'Making a big deal' etc. is a deeply personal matter.
Sorry for the lecture. Some of your claims are not justified by the science, economics, sociology, social history or anthropology. Don't take it personally.

 

At first I thought we are all talking off the OP's original topic but the latest posts are pretty interesting with some thoughtful historical insight..
Even though "Wizzie"'s findings makes more sense... I do always believe that all of these Religion influenced cultures(no matter India/Pakistan/Afghanistan or any country/culture)'re formulated by MALE DOMINATED society. Not going into the details of any particular religious book or culture... you can find tons of instances.

Now, in the latest cultural changes influenced by more literacy in the low literacy communities(means in woman, under developed communities), the so called MALE-DOMINATED-SOCIETY-WRITTEN-VIRTUAL-CULTURAL-RULES are getting changed(which is a positive change). Western countries are in the first in this row(Of course, there are few negative impacts like Aids etc are also high out of this change).
If one is more matured with the reasonable education, understanding of the practical life and deeply influenced by centuries back cultural beliefs which really doesnt make sense in today's world.
Example: in the above Wizzie's post , contraceptives, male freedom of simply having sex and leaving the issues of pregnancy with the female, where no one can prove who is the father. Society is changed.. physical dimensions has been changed a lot.(Still emotional bindings are intact, thats why we are able to live like a society still).
Sex is a physical activity at first place. Two matured and able individuals (even same genders too) can have sex, be protected by clearly aware of the outcome. If an emotional bonding is added on the top of this, its a bonus. If there is a relationship in existence , its a standard expectation(bumper offer). Practically this is what happening today.