Can't get over over my wife's physical affair with somebody else in the past

My Thoughts :
She should be the one to keep you and your family happy now. And you need not break your head on how to win her back or how to keep her happy. You just carry on with ur daily things and if she changes you can only reciprocate to her and not be guilty for what she has done to you or for your family.

 

Forget the past..because past is always past..and you are her future...don't blame her for anything...try to be normal with her..now she is your wife..just yours....if you keep thinking like this..not good for your relation....

 

There is only 2 solution to any problem. One is to live with it without cribbing or thinking / leave and live alone! Any bitter past is never to be reminded of! Live the present, or may be one fine day you would realise that you have missed the present moments! Only present life is beautiful! There is something called true love, and if you love her with all your heart, you may be able to pardon whatever she did too! Posting in this forum, you are wanting to convince yourself whether you are doing right or not!! You only know the positives and negatives of leading a life with her / without her! Its high time for you to decide on this topic! If living with her is stressful, then stay alone for a while and just feel whether you can sustain without her! If you still love her and want to pardon her, do it whole heartedly. Do not repent anytime or listen to anybody, since its your heart which knows you better!!

 

I understand that it is not so simple for you to accept and forget your spouse's past. But, the reason you feel bad is that you are filling in the dots about her past. Sorry If I am wrong.

You're giving your wife's past the power to destroy your marriage and you shouldn't. She hasn't done anything to disrespect you since she married you, has she? If you know she's been faithful after marriage, you shouldn't be judging her because of something she did in the past (before she was with you).

Remember your vows and that will help.

And my friend, all this counts only if you love your wife. LOVE conquers all!!! (it should, atleast if it exists)

As I say, as the saying goes,
`You cant look forward if you are always lookin in the rear view mirror......`

 

Dear Ram,

I read through your post and have a few of my thoughts to pour. I was in a ten year relationship and I have been intimate with her in the past. Now we have split due to various factors. Most importantly strong opposition to our love from her family, insecurity and lack of trust from my side. But still I love her deeply and really envy the guy who will end up with her. Irrespective of what others might say, I know for a fact that, if she marries someone, she will remain faithful to him.

You saying that your wife had an "affair" in the first place is wrong! really wrong. She was in love! She was intimate with her lover in a 7 year relation, the guy once she thought she might end up with. Her love did not succeed. Now is that a crime? Is she not entitled to marry, because she was in love once? Then how would you expect a woman to sleep with you in the first night right after marriage? Because our elders have given us permission. Do you think there be any love in the first night? NO.

Well, if you call her love an affair before she even knew you, I would have to say all arranged marriages are nothing but an arranged affair that eventually grows into love! (No offense meant here to anyone) And you really cannot beat up your wife (i dont mean literally beat here ) because, women wont tell anyone their personal stuff, unless they trust them. In your case, she has learned to love and trust you in 2 years time. Now is that bad? NO.

Remember she was in a love with a guy for seven years without any sacred bonds, just love. Imagine how loyal she will be with you now that she is married to you. Make sure you make her fall in love with you. If I were to be in your position, I would rather think how I can make her fall in love with me,head over heels, rather than think what all she might have done with her ex. Its her past, dont keep digging it. As it is she must have been hurt terribly once in her past. Dont keep scratching her wound. It will hurt both of you, very badly.

I used to be like you. Possessive as hell. You can keep asking yourself WHY ME??? Or you can assure yourself that you ended up with a nice woman who has been hurt very badly in the past. She must have been through hell once. Now, You can either make her life a living hell once again or make up her future so good that she forgets all about her past and prove to the world that marriage after a love failure is not so bad after all. Prove to her that she made the right choice in marrying you. Remember there is no such thing as made for each other .... you only make yourself adapt with each other. Love her for who she is rather than for who she was.

If you were to punish her for an affair that she is having after your marriage, it is ok, understandable, but for love that she had and already been punished by parting with him, i dont think you have to punish her all over again. The choice is yours!

Again If i were you, I would concentrate on making her so happy that she herself should say that "Thank god I married you". Talk to her once, let her know how you feel. Say you feel sorry for her past and mean it (and please, i dont mean apologize, just sympathize). Understand her pain and help her ease out o it. make her love you more than anyone else in this world. You seem like a nice guy, you can do it. All the best.

mgear Mr.gilchrist, I really pity the woman who is gonna end up with! :shakehead ... for your sake please dont go around asking women you meet, whether they are virgin or not! No self respecting girl will tell you that in the first few months you meet. You need to gain their trust! Instead ask if she was in love with anyone in the past. If you dont like the answer, leave it at that. I dont mean to hurt your feelings, but I couldnt be quiet either from reading your posts. Just because a women was intimate in love before marriage and not able to share with a guy she just met a few months before marriage, doesnt make them a "......"!! They need time to be able to tell it to anyone, if it involves sex. Please bear in mind.

 

Rams,
I haven't read all other comments to see what others said about this. But one thing for sure, you'll get over it eventually (you have no choice either, do you !? ).
I can relate your wife's situation to mine. Only difference is that I told my husband about my pre-marital love affair before he could find out himself. This happened some two years ago and I posted my problem in this forum too.

No point spoiling the present over something that happened in the past.

 

You gave excellent advice to the OP. What is preventing you from applying the same in your own life? Just curious.

 

Ugh. This thread is over a year old. Ugh.

 

To the OP:

IF you cannot accept and fully come to terms with what's happened ( that means never ever dwelling on it, not even in your lowest or angriest moments, and certainly not mentioning it or bringing it up in angry exchanges with your wife or even discussing your situation with complete strangers ) then the KINDEST and sanest thing you could do for YOURSELF as well as your WIFE - is to let her go. And move on with your life.