Can't deal with things anymore

Hi friends...I am new here, and would like to understand my situation from your perspective....and get second opinion from you all about my stand and my views.

I got engaged 4 years back to a boy in US...in the typical Indian "arranged" manner. I had a good job in India, and wasn't familiar about the woes of H4 that time...I hold very liberal views for women.

there was something wrong about my engagement right from the beginning. I always had the feeling my fiance always avoided me or despised me..though I was so much in love with him...but I would starve for even 5 minute call from his end..and he would be either "too busy" or "too uninterested"..or "too critical"....he insulted me on and off too...when I tried to call off this engagement, he said sorry and promised to improve.from my dad,he also got a handsome dowry of Cash 14 lakh rupees and other expensive stuff...and I was given gold and diamond jewelry too from my parents end.

After marriage everything went wrong...I came to U.S....we had a good sex life..but devoid of any emotions....I discovered that he was "involved" with his ex too..and all thru our engagement he was living in with her....even after marriage I caught some chats and he had been in love relation still ...I also asked to see his bank statement after few months, and to my surprise he had nothing there....I got to know all my dowry money was transferred to buy properties in my father in laws name...and even my DH savings were transferred back to India...for my father in law to buy more properties..while I was kept in complete dark about all finances....I was also expected to all housework in US, and my DH refused to help..and only found faults with me...

Unable to cope with all this, lack of marriage, husbands extra marita, insults and lovelessness and no financial security and dealing with taunts...I lost my mind, and got into depression...hyper aggression...shouting madly...etc....or I would keep crying for days...unable to help my situation.....in my depressed state..I was unable to phone my "mother in law" enough number of times..who started hating me for not calling her up regularly, and got cold to me....her coldness didn't matter to me coz I was getting numb towards emotions...because I was turning more and more numb towards relations..

after one year...I came to India for a vacation..and found my dad in a serious life threatening ailment(both his kidneys had completely failed)...I called my husband for emotional support, but he remained cold towards my dad's state....and didn't feel any need to ask my dad how he was doing...I realised he was enjoying with his girlfriend in US while I was struggling with my dad's health (it was not my just suspicion...I found the evidence of his adultery on his cell phone when I got back).....I was so sorrowful of whats happening..that I just called my mother in-laws once.....but since she wasn't at home..I left a message, requesting her to call me back(she didn't return the call)......after that my dad was hospitalised, and I moved in the hospital to be there for my parents.....whenever my hubby called me...he gave a damn to my stress...and only complained that being in India I was supposed to take care of my in-laws, and that was my first duty(while he was enjoying adulterous relations).....I felt so much coldness at my mother in law's end that I felt I will be shattered if I go to stay with her...so I stayed with my parents in hospital....

When my dad recovered I came back to US........things went very worse...my in-laws have boycotted me for not having paid them visit (I cant still understand them-they have taken all my financial security, they know I have been in depression due to my husband's adultery...and they havent been nice to me either...I can't relate to them at all)........

My husband has slightly changed over time...he doesn't insult me for everything now...just few things occasionally..also no matter what he has always been extremely attracted to me physically and says lot of romantic sugar coated stuff that has been been keeping me attached to him all this while. i think his affair with this woman had faded away over time of three years now.....but I have lost my basic trust in marriage.

Though I had been facing visa problems ...but I have taken some part time job somehow.....I recenlty have enrolled in a school for completing my education..so that I can get a good job in US......I am saving my money from my job, for supporting my education. My husband has refused to help me in any domestic chores, whether I am working or studying, nor is he going to support me in studies, in any way. He expects me to not look at him for funding my education, find my own funding...and study..and yet do all my household duties towards him, where he is not going to help because he is paying the bills

He purchased a house recently, and even though I requested him to put it in our joint name...he refused and put it in his own name....I have no financial security from him. Also I wanted a child, and he refused...and told me that unless he and his parents are happy with me..we wont have children.

I have had enough now.From past one month I have made new decisions for myself. I have decided to forget everythng and finsih my studies, which will take 2-3 years.....I have decided that I will not do household chores for him....and put my studies first.....I am not leaving the house, while he is paying the bills and I have decided to not even file for divorce till my studies are complete, and I am in a good job......and neither will I fulfill any household duties at the cost of my studies..........I have decided to cut off all my ties with him, yet I am living in the same house...as I cannot afford the bills.....I dont love him anymore...but since he damaged so much in my life according to me, I have decided to let him bear the housing and living expenses for next two-three years, without him getting ANYTHING in return as a husband.....divorce and all I will think about later...once I am done with my studies and settled in a good job.

How selfish I am being....I don't want this marriage...

 

Thankyou so much SriVidya for your support and advise..and your words of strength help me think with more clarity..I admit I am an emotional mess right now!...But I think I am gradually getting over this abusive phase and have started doing a lot better for myself!...

I think I dont care abt him anymore and thats helping me and my studies ...

 

Yeah SriVidya...I am fully focused...and my FT courses are almost rolling now with additional courses.....!!
I dont know how will you judge me on this.....I know a self respecting woman will never allow a selfish, abusive husband to touch her.....but I dont know how and why I am ok with it...I am letting him have his way coz honestly I cannot otherwise afford such a comfortable house and amenities in USA........I need his resources--so that I can focus on my study and research work (which takes me 12 hours every day..not leaving me enough time for working on campus..I am taking more courses than a regular student, which means more money....and writing for research papers leaves me with no time...), so I let him have his way in terms of sex, and get free accomodation and living.......I understand..its not the most dignified arrangement, on my part....but I feel if I have been used in a way, and the worst has already happened to me.....and I have nothing to live for but my dreams and ambitions.....now I am using him as a resource....till my dreams are fulfilled....

I do feel I am losing on my dignity and turning into a selfish person....but it too much of a price for success when you have lost everything else, and have nothing else to live for..(I can't love a guy...I dont think I even want to love any guy..)

 

Thanks nk1....yeah I would say finish your studies....and make it everytihng in your life...

Even I am going to stay with my husband till I finish my degree and get into a top tier graduate college..I will leave him the day I have enough support for myself!!...

Please dont love someone, who doesn;t value you....marriage is not everything in present times.....