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Cannot Digest Dh Attitude Towards Sil

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweetygals, Mar 5, 2019.

  1. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    hi,
    i have a 4yr toddler and 4 months old baby. full time working mom in maternity leave now. we are in a nuclear family outside india. my husband and i have an ok relationship with usual fights due to his mom and sis. his sister is divorcee with a kid. she is 10 year elder to me and working in a school. small job jus to keep her not idle. full financial support is from my hubby. i have stopped interfering in money matters as it is no use and save my money as much as i can. so i cant leave job because of this reason.

    now my main problem is my husband giving so much pampernes to her. she is elder to my husband as well. but still when she comes late from office(late evening) her parents wait for her outside office worried about her. from here my husband keep calling her saying go back home soon and safe. india is not safe. if his parents and his sister went of out of station my husband will be awake till late night jus to make sure they reached home soon. she need not do any work at home as my mil takes care. when she is here me and mil should do all the work.she will be like princess.
    if she/ his mom is alone at home. my husband will keep calling them frequently to make sure they are ok.
    but for me he does this kind of pamperness happens at times. when he is in good mood. and more over sometimew i work even midnight in office. come home early morning. worst day no one even opened the door for me. then finally my husband and said sorry on that day he slept. i have asked him why so partial treatment. he used to say we are in safe country they are in india thatsy he is worried so much.

    last week i was alone at home in india. my husband did not even bother to call and check. im so hurt. in what way im so less to her. when i fought with my husband. arguement got heated and he finally said that im not caring him so he does not care me. i dont even want to talk to him. and im not talking and he also not. when i emailed saying im hurt in a sweet manner also he does not even care about it.

    and once he gifted gold bangle to her. when i asked why cant u buy the same for me. he replied u r earning so much. u can buy on ur own. she is not like that.

    so much importance to her. now he is also mad at me that i did not wish sil son birthday. i told i forgot was busy with lo.
    he blasted me. that i dont consider his relations. even when i was pregnant if she told something that i dint talk to her he has fought with me like anything.

    why are they so special. i should also treat them so nicely. though they dont even consider me.

    what should i do to make my husband realise. really frustated feel like leaving him and make him suffer and realise my worth. please help to give suggestions.
     
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  2. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear your pain. Lot of Indian women can relate to this.

    But honestly you cant do much here. Blood is thicker than water. Wife and husband are partners in a marriage so only if you give you will get. But parents and sisters are blood relations, so they will surely get more importance and care. Very less Indian husbands realize the worth of their spouse.

    You can stop tracking how much he is caring for them and start to focus on planning date nights, movies nights, weekend outings and make memories with your husband. In this stress and agony you are driving your husband even further. Talk sweetly and pamper him, use pet names and show your love explicitly. He will reciprocate.

    Please let go resentment and make sweet memories. Once he sees your nicer side, he will care for you a lot.
     
  3. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    you are away, far . separate, no interference from in-laws. make good memories with your spouse. blood is thicker always. fighting more will lead to issues in your marital life.

    finance is the concerning aspect, sooner or later, need to discuss that on saving for your child.
     
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  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    lol. i was typing the same dialog at the same time without even refreshing the page to view new message. blood is thicker
     
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  5. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @Sweetygals You are demanding love and attention. Your approach will never work. Replace your husband and sister with your own kids. Your SIL is an unfortunate situation. Your mixing too many problems and hence there is no one single solution. Pick your battles. You cannot win everything but if you distribute your energy then you will loose all the battles. Pick 2 things which are important right now and focus on that.
     
  6. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    My suggestion to you afte reading your previous posts.
    Your mil won’t change. Your sil won’t change.
    You can help Your husband change but not by fighting. He has been soaked in patriarchy. Take high roads. Calm down. Help him without fighting. Take him for a walk and tell his positives and then tell where he could improve. Tell him he doesn’t have to be scared about sharing the financial details. Tell him let’s be good couples and keep no secrets. Tell him how much you love him. When he complaints about your relationship with inlaws, suggest to him during reconciliation let’s not talk about either set of parents. You will win patriarchy only by communicating effectively.

     
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  7. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Is he going overboard with his pampering - yeah probably.
    Would I feel irritated/envious if I were in your shoes - yeah most likely.

    But the real question is - should you let this jealousy spill poison in your life? Conquer that first before you can change your DH.

    Do you realise the worth of your spouse ?
    Today if you have a choice - If you have a brother who would pamper you like your husband does SIL and parents who do your every work like your ILs are doing to your sister, will you give up this DH who doesnt "treat" you well ?
    Would you feel like you are blessed to be the "princess" now?
    If not ask yourself why? why is it important for you and your kid to be with DH/father than with pampering brother/uncle.

    Once you can appreciate that you will be able to tackle one or two main issues that you should be bothering than letting jealousy cloud your entire relationship.
     
  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel your pain because your husband lacks the ability to balance. But your husband is doing the right thing by supporting her financially. She is trying her best and got a small job despite not being well educated to get a good job.Try to feel her pain and her kids' pain without father. Your husband is trying his best to make them feel secure.She is also doing her part and living with parents so that you and DH can live in nuclear family without any pressure to go back. By thinking like this some of your negative feelings will go and prevent you from taking drastic step.
    His problem is he failed to assure you that as a wife you are most important. There's nothing wrong in showing concern for widowed sister, but he should also show more love and concern for u and kids . I also admire you that you are working so hard doing job so indirectly you are also helping your SIL otherwise your husband would not be able to support her . Your good deeds will surely be realised by him today or tomorrow. Don't let negative feelings spoil your family life. Try to go out more with husband, spend quality time with him, slowly he will understand your perspective. Tell him to make proper savings plan for your kids so that you both can plan future in responsible way.Take care of your health and make sure to spend quality time with your kids- don't sacrifice it for anything .It will keep you happy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2019
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  9. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    thanks for all your suggestions . i understand that fighting makes worse. but what should i do. i have shown him love, movie dates. yes at that time he will be so much happy with me, pamper me.
    but the moment if sil/mil have some complaint about me. it is gone. fighting and then silent treatment and accuses me all kind of old fights and im not caring him, dont cook for him (i have full time maid and i do cook at times but not everytime).
    but in normal days he dont have any issues. only when mil/sil say something he would accuse me everything that i dont care him, dont care kids, only go to office for money. i dont spend for my sister only for u im spending. for u only money is important.
    . it is jus tat he expects me to talk with them and reconcile with them. only then he will be normal. (after that im good wife who manages everything both office and home, pregnancy.)
    im frustated.
    to maintain peace i have let go financial fights and manages to dump household expenses to him and save mine to an extent. to maintain peace should i go down and talk to them everytime and also him?
    my sil can go for big job, saying she cant have time for her kid. she goes for small job. according to my mil she prefer kid well being than money.

    now my husband is angry that i have not wished his sister kid. until and unless i talk to them saying i missed wishing him or some sweet words. he wont change. then after i talk to them after 2 weeks. he would be back of me like puppy.

    in good mood if i say i was hurt. he would say he is father less/ without husband
    why cant u show some love. thatswhat i asked. not meant to hurt u. he will say this so sweetly. i always showed u so much importance. u dont recognise. i have fought with them because of u so many times.
    im tired of all these.
    do tell me whta should i do.
     
  10. Ammu2886

    Ammu2886 Gold IL'ite

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    I understand you love him truly and all these fights are because you cannot win over him.
    You will feel as he is not pampering you!agreed you are right..why dontdoyou spend some #me time with your hubby.Since you stay in a nuclear family that must be easy as well.Good that he is taking care of household expenses and you are able to save money from your earnings.
    You should be worried when he does not take care of yours and your kids expenses.H ere he does that..

    Why don't you wish a happy birthday to that kid.?The problem can get solved and as you said your hubby will be normal again.

    He is just doing his duty by supporting her...Just think if she does not have her family to support at this stage who else can support her?

    You don't put yourself down or lose your self respect..but let him do if that makes him happy..Nephews/Nieces will be always favorites for any one...

    This problem arises every where...what I basically do is i never get in to his family space...Let them love or fight...I will always be a third person. And will never involve as I am scared.

    But see that he loves you... See what can make him hapoy..but nothing out of your self respect...
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2019
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