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Can We Minimize/reverse The Bitterness We Have Developed Towards Someone?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anusha2917, Jul 27, 2021.

  1. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Over many years of marriage I have developed Bitterness towards my in laws. Lot of small, minor,silly issues.I wish I hadn't developed that kind of bitterness towards them because they are the most important human beings for my husband which I understand. He says he doesn't care how good or bad I am towards the world but I need to be nice/good to his parents. His expectation is valid but I'm not able to fake my feelings I have towards them.
    The damage is done in the relationship I had/have with them to en extent where I have confessed to them I'm not comfortable with the set up of staying with them in the same house. I'm not getting into details of the issue but what's troubling me is "what would help me undo the bitterness I have developed towards them, is it even possible?" . I don't hate them but I cannot share my life(daily) with them. I feel suffocated to do that. All this has slowly started creating small spaces in the relationship I have with my husband . We are good otherwise. Fight /argument comes because of the fact "I cannot get along well with his mother n father who are both 75+"
     
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  2. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Meditation helps lot. If you haven’t learnt yet try to attend vipassana. It’s free and very simple technique. Practice regularly. In vipassana meditation they recommend meditate whole day. U don’t have to sit or close eyes or anything different. Just try not to think anything. We are thinking randomly even while driving or cooking or doing any chore. Try not to think and breath deeply. Its hard but we have to practice to avoid thinking except for necessary work. It’s good for your health only. Also ashwagandha supplement helps lot.
     
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  3. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

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    I could not . not judging you at all. All i could was forgive couple of my cousins and maintain distance. every time i meet them it is just hi and then focus on someone, if no one else is there, then leave early or focus on kids.

    Sorry if it makes me look bad in front of a lot my family but i feel it better to act like a cold stranger than a vengeful relative and spoil the upcoming moments i spend with them .
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Short answer: no. go to sleep now.
    Medium answer: you've got it wrong. most of the terminology in your description is making you solely responsible for the situation and for fixing it.
    Long answer: maybe tomorrow.
     
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  5. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    It is possible but will take time and effort from one's self to understand how and why they came to despise that person/group. I have also always wondered how I ended up disliking someone so much and why I can not simply accept that person and let go of the negativity. Many times it is simply the distance that helped.. i.e., out of sight - 'out of mind' works best for me. If that person is someone whom you have to interact with daily or live with then it's really becomes mental task to overcome that.

    I suggest to first just put yourself in that person's shoes like what kind of upbringing they must have had in their childhood, what resources they probably had financially, socially , education wise, exposure wise , support from family or friends circle.. wonder what their priorities and goals were.. Are they the kind of people who just blindly follow the rat race etc... then you will see a pattern emerge and how they are just mere fragments of the larger circle or society they prescribe to.

    You will start seeing that person had to become what they are today with all that going on in their life or they are not strong willed or evolved enough mentally to know/choose any better.. Dissolving the judgement and assumptions about other person is the first step to acceptance.. Once you step in and step out of their shoes that experience will help you to choose your response wisely, not getting entangled unnecessarily for their short comings.. You will then make a deal in your head that given the situation I can do this much for this person and the rest I will accept and not agonize myself mentally.. phew .. so many thoughts running in my head .. but hopefully it gives a picture :)
     
  6. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you. This is helpful. :)
     
  7. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    So long as they would not be in the same household, you can put out civility on the phone or in meetings.

    As for
    , you may think of this as living with a spouse who has a chronic bad habit, like smoking, drinking, or associating with friends or relatives who annoy you. Usually spouses manage such things without getting into an argument or fights. If the twosome can get to an agreement that the habit-is-bad would be sufficient: for the sufferer to keep it to a minimum, and the sufferee to keep it away from home.

    Making sure that the otherwise-part stays refreshed would help shrink those spaces.
     
  8. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Gold IL'ite

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    It is possible but depends on whats in the other person's mind ,when you tryna be nice and they bringing in old bitterness may add more to your shelf. Keep it light.
     
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  9. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    To answer your qn, you can not only minimize but also reverse it totally. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. No one can bother you if you have the strong will to face it. Life throws different lemons (challenges) at us in the form of humans around us, learn to make lemonade out of it and flaunt it in front of those who threw that at you.

    If your family situation is good overall with an understanding spouse, you should compromise in that 'one' matter where he demands/expects his parents to be respected. You might feel it is unfair or a big compromise but tune your mind peacefully in a convincing way. Elevate yourself in your own eyes for doing this compromise without hoping that hubby or others will acknowledge it. Don't begin to solve this puzzle with a 'why' (why I should do this- answer is-you should do this because it is bothering you) - instead start with a 'how' (how will be the 2nd step, why being the first one)

    On a day-to-day basis, we show kindness in diff forms - to an injured person in a video or pets or anyone around us , but we find it difficult to show kindness to ourselves in such situations and subject us to the torture given by others. All of us want to be at the receiving end none of us want to be at the giving end. For once, give the gift of kindness to yourself ....but the irony is your kindness may not provide you an instant respite but trust me, you will overcome the situation easier than in an otherwise situation where you expect the other person to resolve this. Understand that when you solve a puzzle/challenge, the joy will be yours sooner or later.

    Hope this helps.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2021
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  10. sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    I think its partially possible but with real efforts and adjustments from the side that has caused bitterness in you. In laws in your case. I also feel this way many a times. The main reason why I have this accumulated bitterness (that becomes heavy with time) is because there has been no proper closure for the issues I had with my MIL. But what helps me sail through is the efforts she put in maintaining the peace at home sometimes when I really need it.

    Your inlaws are 75+ and are dependent on you. That by itself should be a wake up call for them to behave in a decent way with you. But if its some silly issues like for instance, I get visibly irritated when someone chew their food with mouth open. I love my dad but every time he does it I used to get pissed off. Now I am developing the patience to understand his way and bear it. So silly issues can be dealt with some patience and ignorance.

    But if its something more significant like controlling issues, things that affect your quality of life and freedom etc you need to politely instruct your H to advice them to back off.

    Also most importantly, H should be in listening mode and should not gaslight your concerns, thought process how much ever silly it might be.
     
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