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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rad, Jul 18, 2007.

  1. Rad

    Rad Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I am a really sensitive person, who is easily hurted......I dont like a friend of my husband(for some reason).....But for him, his friend is precious.....He loves him a lot.......His friend is in a distant place...and whenever he says he is coming to chennai, my husband will be eagerly awaiting his arrival.....ok, back to the point....We are invited to a function in his friend's house.....I am ready to do anything for my husb...So obviously I will go and should go...atleast for my husband....As I told earlier, that I dont like him...to be frank, I hate him......I am finding ways to control myself...I have tried many but everything in vain...and I am struggling hard to control myself.......Can u suggest some ways that I can spend time in his friend's house with ease...ie with no mental torture??? I love my husband so much that I am trying to overcome this mental depression....please help...
     
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  2. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    hi,

    It is said 'you can't chose your parents n siblings but u can surely chose yuor own friend'. So has your husband done. He has chosen someone as his friend, and you liking or not liking has not got anything to do with it. If you have a good friend and your husband doesnt like her, will u leave your friendship. No... So is the case with him.

    Anyway, what is the reason of you hating his friend? has he passed some bad comment on you. Did he act badly with u? Or is it that your husband gives him more priority when he is around and not to you?

    Now for your question. What you can do when u r visiting them. First and foremost stop acting like u hate him. Think that he is your husband's brother and treat as you would to him. It is good to make a friendship then to break it.

    All the best.:2thumbsup:

    Diana
     
  3. Rad

    Rad Bronze IL'ite

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    The reason for my hating him is.....as u said......my husband gives the highest priority (to the maximum) to him when he is around......and I feel lonely,ignored...........for which I fight with him...But the thing here is my husb never minds what i do at this time.......he does as he likes...
     
  4. Lalli007

    Lalli007 New IL'ite

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    This is the thing happening with most of the ladies. Try to understand ur hus 1st y he behaves like that when he meets him. more over don't under estimate that he is giving more importance 2 his friend than u. Think +ve. u will get best result. All The Best.
     
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  5. Nirims

    Nirims New IL'ite

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    How would it be, if you find interesting topics with your husbands friend, so your husband is alone :) may be your hubby will start to hate his friend :-D, kidding atleast he will understand that you are being left out and lost in the pally pally conversations
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmmm, reading your first message I thought this friend of your husband was passing some unnecessary comments on you or something of that nature. Later you have explained the problem is that your husband ignores you when his friend is around.

    since that friend does not live in the same city, it is not something that happens often, yes? Whenever his friend is around, let your husband focus his attention on his friend. Be there with your husband, but just do your own stuff. If the friend is married, chat with his wife. If he is not, look for a girl for him :lol:. If you are being ignored when at home, then busy yourself in other things. If this happens when you all go out, try to drop out of some of the outings.

    Treat it as a small vacation away from husband. After the friend leaves, show your husband what he missed by ignoring you when his friend was around!!

    If all else fails, be thankful he is ignoring you for a friend, and not his family...

    Are you sure you don't have a friend or two who are very special and you look forward to spending time with them? I have one or two such friends, and when they visit, my kids and husband know that "mommy shop is closed, please come back later". One friend is single, and when she comes over, I yak yak with her for hours. My husband has one friend like your husband has, I don't feel like hanging around when he is around, so I make myself busy elsewhere, just make sure they have enough namkeen to go with the drinks!!!
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2008
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  7. happywoman

    happywoman Silver IL'ite

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    Yupp, better to just take it easy. No point in worrying and getting tensed for a friend ( be thankful not an enemy!!). Just try to focus on some other stuff like others said. If his wife is present, talk to her. It is fortunate to find such good friends (from your hubby's perspective) but talk to your hubby about you being ignored and excuse yourself politely. If he doesnt agree to this, consider this positively and think that he also wants YOU even though he is with his friend. See that hes trying to show the importance. Its better than both of them hanging around some remote places and gossipping about wives, right!! Or else, on the contrary, you dont show signs that you dont like to be ignored. You start ignoring your hubby for a while and he will come around!!
    I know its easy said than done, but dear, practice this trick once and then you will be relaxed.
    Just chill!!
    vani
     
  8. Munchkin

    Munchkin New IL'ite

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    Dear Happywoman,

    My dh has a dear friend too, they are friendly to such an extent that my husband left his business and his town and went to his friends city to settle (though with God’s Grace things didn’t work out well and he had to return.). I dislike his friend because I WAS not only being ignored (almost daily) but I was also a major part of their conversations. My dh still tells every bit about our married life to his friend. (Well, mine is a complete weird story, you can read my story at this forum). At least you don’t have any grave issues against your dh’s friend. I truly understand how you feel!
    Now coming to the point, just forget about it and don’t care. Don’t harness yourself for something so out of your control. Feel blessed that you can love your husband for so many other things. Instead of feeling ignored - read a book, or try indulging into activities you like. Don’t focus on this issue at all; this inconclusive matter would just lead to sulking and depression.
    Take a book along, or try talking to other guests, or try helping around - in nutshell try keeping busy with other things.
     
  9. blissful

    blissful Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Rad,

    First of all you have not mentioned how old you are and how long you've been married. That aside, let me tell you that there is a difference between friendship girls and guys. Usually once a girl finds a partner, the friends take a second place. It's not so with guys. Even when a guy finds a partner, he still needs his friends for his “alone time”. Usually girls put all other relations on the back burner once they find a partner and think that they have a best friend, lover, guide etc. all rolled into one in a partner. While guys do give importance to the relationship, it is rarely all consuming and they normally compartmentalise. There are things guys will never talk or discuss with their partner but will discuss with their friends and vice versa.

    (Before I start getting comments on the above, let me clarify it is a general observation and not a rule. There are many girls who need their friends too and make the effort to maintain the friendship even though they are in a relationship)

    I think unless your husbands friend is talking badly about you or generally misbehaving in anyway, you should leave it alone. Imagine how you will feel if your husband hates your best friend and asks you to stop meeting her. It'll make your husband happier if you got along with his friends. At the same time you should talk to your husband and tell him you feel left out when he is talking with his friend. For all you know, this thought may have never entered his mind. Yes, guys can be that insensitive. Tell him to include you in his conversations. You too can make an effort to be included in the conversation by asking questions. E.g. when they talk about some incident which has happened in the past, you can ask the background etc. that way you will be part of the conversation and won't feel ignored. There is also a possibility that when your husband and his friend are talking, your husband might fell that you are not interested in their talks and hence is excluding you. Just like you may want to discuss something with your best friends that your husband is not interested in, there is a possibility that your husband and his friend may be talking about something you are totally uninterested in, like the BHP on the latest bike some other friend has just bought, in which case either learn about the topic so that you can participate the next time or just let them be.
     
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  10. MrsV

    MrsV Bronze IL'ite

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