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Can This Be Called As An Act Of Abuse?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by silentlistener, Sep 18, 2018.

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  1. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    My father is in early 70s and my mother is in late 60s. He is retired from Tamil nadu government service earning good amount of pension : no liabilities at all. He lives in South Tamil Nadu. He has huge savings ;no extraordinary spending habits; no addictions and no bad habits. He has three sisters. One younger sister is in Chennai who is financially very poor. She is also old & she is a widow. To me she is a paternal aunt. Sometimes back, she needed to mobilize a big amount of money for an urgent personal expenditure.


    We all contributed small amount of money towards it. My father is emotionally attached to his younger sister. He wanted to contribute a big amount towards this expenditure. He rang me up and expressed his desire to send money to his sister. I gave him the number and IFSC code of that aunt’s bank account. I explained to my father how to go to the nearest branch of the same bank and how to deposit money in core banking system.


    Within 10 minutes, I got a second phone from him. Now he said he is having other financial liabilities and not in a position to contribute. I asked him what are those financial liabilities, he said we will talk about it later and cut off the phone. I was really shocked thinking, what made him, change his mind, this way in 10 minutes time. After a few days, I spoke to him and I persuaded him to come up with the real reason which changed his mind in 10 minutes.


    He told me, after he became ready to pay a good amount to his sister and he collected the bank details from me on phone, my mother has thrown up a loud temper tantrum, saying that my aunt is a worthless person and it is not advisable to help her. I asked my father, “ were you really convinced that you shouldn't help your sister”. He said, the big issue to him is the continuous loud tantrums my mother will keep on throwing for the next few days if he refuses to agree with her and sends money to his sister.


    By tantrum, I mean, she used to shout in an intentionally loud voice, so that her tantrums are audible to neighbours. My father used to get feel ashamed about the fact that neighbours hear her shouting and agrees to her demands (This, I have seen several times , happening). The power of (intentionally) loud temper tantrums has been well realised by my mother , who doesn’t hesitate to use it , as and when required to blackmail my father to agree with her in several issues.

    In other words, fear of repeated tantrums by my mother has made my father change his mind in just 10 minutes.

    Dignity and the way neighbours see him matters a lot to my father. That is why he has been very much scared of such loud temper tantrums. Throughout my growing years I have seen this pattern, happening again and again. I have always sympathized with my father that he is a victim of abuse and I have seen my mother as the abuser.


    Personally, I think this is an act of , very disgusting form of abuse.

    What do you guys think ?
     
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  2. VandhenaKrish

    VandhenaKrish Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP , yes there are few wives who create tantrums and think that would make the other person mum ... Your father n u could help ur aunt without her nitoce if she is really suffering .. Also ur mom's concern could also be right coz she had been with her during early marriage period n vmay be due to some bitter experiences she s avoiding to help ..

    But ur dad should speak up .. neighbors kno who is the problem maker .. n yes it's kind of an abuse ..
     
    silentlistener likes this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes....if it happens often .
    If she knows what she is doing is effecting her husband so much itvis definetely mental abuse.

    Let your dad know you understand him .
    Help him do what he feels he needs to do .
    Talk to your mother if you feel it will help.
     
    silentlistener likes this.
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, it's a abuse.
    Try talking with your mom about this
    Your aunt could have abused your mom in early marriage years
     
    silentlistener likes this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    1. Does she have other ways of communicating any opinions or concerns about big decisions?
    2. Before your father rang you up about his desire to send big amount to his sister, did he have your mother's implicit or explicit approval for sending the amount?
    3. "Dignity and the way neighbours see him matters a lot to my father."
    Does getting wife's consent before giving big amounts in his 70's also matter to him?

    Based on the above, an opinion can be given whether her tantrums and loud talk (intentional shaming) are an act of abuse or an act of last resort.
     
    dhivyacc and yellowmango like this.
  6. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    I have never seen a normal hostility free neutral communication existing between them. Whatever they talk would be the absolute minimum few words , necessary for coexisting. Their totally dysfunctional marriage itself is altogether , a different topic.

    It was not like a conversation and getting her consent for sending money to his sister. But yes , when I asked him whether he informed my mother about sending money, he said yes he did. He would have just uttered a few words that he is going to send money.
     
  7. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    Okay.

    That is what exactly happened. I contributed from my money, to my aunt, what my father was supposed to contribute. My father was pleased to know it.

    Well, that's not very important.

    What is very important and what has been bothering me, all these years is , the power of temper tantrums in making him, give up !
     
  8. BerryPine

    BerryPine Gold IL'ite

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    It is an abuse. Did you talk to you mother after that incident?
    Looks like thats her trick to get things done in her way.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    I think what your mother did is wrong.
    Your father wanted to help your aunt since it was emergency but not for her luxury.

    Have seen many cases even here in IL where husband keeps giving money and gifts to sister and her family members which can be termed as luxury and obviously any wife will fight over such matters.

    But this case is totally different. I feel your father is a victim in this. Try explaining situation to your mother.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Based on your answers to two of the three questions, and no answer to third question, I'd say her tantrums and loud talking are not an act of abuse. Looks like he took the decision and "informed" her. Also looks like this is the norm as are her tantrums.
     
    nakshatra1 and silentlistener like this.
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