Can I change my wife???

Shyam

Its not always about you...just because you are the only one earning in the family....If you raise the kids the way our parents raised us in India, they would turn out to be introverts, not able to mingle with others, bullied by others etc...in US kids are more social, outgoing, all you can ask them is to keep you informed on their activities, friends, and social life but the more you wantthem to be stay at home, the more they would turn out to be rebels...

If you dont like something they are doing, you have to explain whys and whats of it..you cant just bluntly say..I dont like it..or because I said so!!! that wont work with kids as those words would make them more inquisitive and they would want to do those things secretively...

Your kids need not necessarily think or accept what is right as per you!! Some how this money thing is turning you against your whole family...As mom and kids are all on same page, having fun, enjoying..but you seem to keep worrying about everyones activities...


Why dont you check what are your kids grades, and tell them as long as they match up a certain grade, you are fine with them having sleep overs or outdoor activities...might be once a month or 15 days do some kind of inspection of all their work rather than daily monitoring (incase if your kids are good in academics..) is your wife not taking care of their school work ??? if yes, then give the kids that space and chk their grades and activities...dont go for micromanaging..

Also if you want them to concentrate on maths/science or give extra classes, let them decide when they want to have those classes from you, and make a schedule and work on it...

You cant just talk in air and say she is spending money, is socializing necessary?? why kids come? why they have to eat? why they have to go out etc..etcc...

If money is what bothering you..make a budget and communicate to family members
If outings are a problem..have a talk with family members and come to common understanding on when and how many outings are allowed..

Atleast with the kind of environment we see in US, the more you push things, the more resistance you would get..rather make them part of the solution and ask them ideas and suggestions...saves lot of headache for you

 

The kids are at school 6 hours a day so that is the time she must be spending on housework, cooking etc. But given our modern gadgets, housework does not take that much time. Secondly, have you tried to get all of your social needs met only from children? Then you will see how draining it is. She has a duty to make sure that they study and finish their homework or eat their meals or supervise the kids during playtime but everyone (including housewives) needs a break and adult company for at least some time. If she is missing this company during the week then she is trying to get it during the weekends. It does not mean that she is ignoring her duty. It is not at all fair to expect that she should be satisfied with just staying home all day long and spending all her time with her children. Some women may be satisfied with this but your wife may not be.

You are also saying that it was a mutual decision for her to quit. Maybe she did not realize how the life of a housewife really is and made the decision on assumptions that were not realistic or how reality works? I still think that if she is bored and craves socialization or is just not happy then she should not be forced to stick to her previous decision to quit. It might be better for your entire family if she is in at least a part-time job if she is unable to handle the life of a full time housewife.

 

Shyam... no, you don't have to allow your kids everything they want. But, if you never wanted to have them socialize or if you are too burdened to let them have one small sleep over per month and don't want to sacrifice a little bit for their happiness, then why did you become a parent??? I'm not asking that to be mean, but if you can't budge even a little bit for your kids to be happy... then what is the meaning of it all? You know Shyam, you have the power to do what you want with your kids. But it is not 1950's in India anymore where kids will feel like "Wow, my dad is like God, so he must be right. Sleep overs are a waste". No!!! They will feel sad, resentful, and wonder why they can't have fun at home. Like I said, yes I know sleep overs are a bit of a pain for the hosting parent, but hey, that's parenting...! Nobody said being a mom or dad is easy! Ok, you did not have sleepovers growing up... but that doesn't mean your kids are doing anything weird by wanting them! That is just how kids here get together and have fun!

Are the sleepovers loud and crazy or something like that for you to hate them so much? If that's the case... you could set some boundaries... like, lights out by 10:00pm... no shouting inside... no running around the house (i.e. must stay in one room like bedroom or living room) and have a set time that parents must come and pick up their kids (like 10:00am)... etc etc. If feeding all those kids is a hassle, just order pizza that one night.

What I'm trying to say Shyam, is loosen up a little bit. Don't have your house be known as the grumpy house.

I think, if the frequency of parties and sleep overs and socials were cut down, you wouldn't feel this irritated. So before you set out to ban parties and sleep overs all together, why don't you reduce the quantity and see how you feel then?

 

Shyam,

Some Ideas.

If other friedns are living in same place,ask your wife would they able to do afternoon patlock when kids are not there one week in a month.

See you are interested to play some game swith other men,that way your kids can also eventually can play some games especially during summer.

Set some time to come back from party like 10pm or so.

Ask her to do some workbook home work with them during 5 days and tell if she could success then only you can make to friday party if not kids have to stay back and finish work and once they done you can join them little later.

Suppose if you in party gather other kids and play some board games.That way your kids will learn fast.

Sleep overs,tell your wife strictly once in two months.Yeah I know they are very headache.They can play for sometime and also once in 2-3 months ok otherwise too much work.

I think you need to slowly change it not in one time.

The best if you wife interested for part time job then goods,whatever she earns she can spend on her cloths or decoration.Some women are like that unless they learn bythemself you can't change them.Some particulary spend for to show status for other people.Can't help it.

I don't think she is ignoring her duties,her priorites are different and mind set is different than yours.Lot of men or women could beleive kids needs a break from studies and some don't beleive spening lot of time on studies.Wife could be one of them.her way of looking things is different than yours.

 

Shyam

Pls try to understand...point here is about how to set priorities right! so you have to explain it to her being on her side...if you stand against her and show her down with all her shortcomings, she would never be able to empathize or accept your thoughts or ideas...

You both are one family..one team...you have to open up to her without putting or snubbing her down...I know all this sounds more tedious...but you have to explain to her few things like, all other activities come next to kids home work and studies...and also if your kids are maintaining good grades and are good at acadamics...let her manage the way she is doing...dont try to supercede her...that way your kids would have no control....they wont listen to either of you...as she is at home most of the time, explain to her as to how she is the boss at home, and discuss your current budget, family activities and how she can help you in saving some money for future and put kids education first...

Nothin would work out if you show her short comings...would you accept if someone told you that you are kanjoos or a miser???? you would get annoyed isnt it??? its the same way...so handle it softly

 

Woww!! yeah they do make it to the top...but they are all alone and have bad marriages, or bad family life or some psychological disorders....like not being able to be assertive or not able to take initiatives or mingle with other people...tehse are disorders...they can be happy n confident in their own line of limits they draw for themselves...those things work if you are in India...but here in US its all about networking and social skills...things change over night...we cannot always be there in our secure limits...soemtimes we have to try unknown ....a person who has social skills can get things done easier and quicker than the one who works hard all by themselves alone to make it to top....

Teamwork always works wonders than single man army!!

Shyam

I dont want to argue with you as you seem to be that person who just thinks your way is the right way...so think about it...rather than reading b/w lines and showing your point is right!!

If you want to solve your problem..you have to take your wifes side and explain your issue..if you stand against her..nothin would work.. If you want to be consulted on everything at home, you too have to start understanding where they are coming from...If you say NO to everything they come up with..no one would wantto come to you!!! might be thats their feeling about you...when they know you wont accept or approve of their thoughts..why even ask you??? that might be their opinion...so be on their side..and gain tehir confidence that you also like what they are doing...but setting limits n priorities is what you are looking for....

 

Shyam, like I said in my other post, discuss your future financial plans with your wife and show her where you stand at this point of time. Show her exactly how much you need to save TODAY to maintain the same life style after retirement. This will surely make her think twice before splurging.

As for kids, how old are they exactly? If they are already in their mid-late teens, its kind of late to ask them to do a few things.
If they are still relatively young, you can take your daughter for ballet and your son for football etc. I know it will be draining in the beginning for you taking care of ful time job followed by extra curricular activities, but you wil have to do this at least in the begenning. Once the kids find out what exactly they like, they might want to go to these lessons in stead of partying literally day in and day out.