Can a mother behave like this??

vent · Oct 5, 2012

FreeSpirit20 said: ↑

vent, how does your mom take care of your baby?
She is dropping my kid to the day care and then picking up. the day care is in a nearby flat in same compound. then she feeds him and make him sleep. evening i ll feed and make him sleep. morning I cook for my kid as he had special needs I dont give him my servant's cooked food .

And is she never happy, I mean are there any things that she likes to do, is her cribbing a daily affair?

Its very rare that she is not thinking discussing about a problem. it can be a small thing like I didnot start potty traning when my kid was less than a year. yes cribbing is a daily affair. sometimes she cribbs that i ask my cook to use less oil thats why food is not cooked properly!!

I was shocked seeing your reply where you wrote that she shows extreme behavior like trying to jump from the roof or consume something poisonous. That is indeed dangerous.

Yes it is she said that on 2nd oct fight. then I fell on her feet to calm her down.

Did you try talking to her calmly, do you spend good time with her just discussing anything?

if I start a calm discussion it ends up in a fight again. coz she will not agree to what ever I say be it for my husband or my self. she thinks she is right and rest of the word is wrong.
I'm sorry for so many questions.
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I should feel sorry that I am bothering you all again and again with my problems...

bhuvnidhi · Oct 5, 2012

Well OP,run,run,run as far as you can from this mess.This setup is potentially dangerous for you and your kid.Your kid is going ti be emotionally weak if she continues to stay with you.And your kid might copy/inherit her qualities.Did you ever think about your hubby.A crude qn to you.What will you do if your hubby decides let your mother be your top priority?It can happen as you are not giving importance to "your" family.

Your mom has already threatened you of suicide.The same people you fear now ( that they will think you did not take care of your mother properly if your mother badmouths about you) will say everything is because of you if something goes wrong.She is a control freak and cannot see anyone happy.By any chance , was she a govt school teacher?

vent · Oct 5, 2012

Shanvy said: ↑

Vent there is no point in pointing out things to her, she will always try to justify her stand and her outbursts..and him spoiling her old age, see, she knows to pass on the blame to others.. there is no reasoning..if you tell her that she can be happy with all of you, she will cite hundred and one episodes where you let her down..because she is wired that way..it is not just these few months, it is the way she has learned to think and process and to undo this is going to be difficult..it is more like hitting your head on a steel wall...only small dents, but your head will crack..

Yes this is 100 % correct. This means I should not at all explain any thing she says about me or my husband

See this is what i am trying to tell you, she will try to co-relate one x to another y, where x and y are so different in context and are not related, yet they get related in her way of putting it across to you. they learn the art and you tend to become emotionally trapped.. so please stop trying to analyse or rationalise everything she says.. it is going to be waste of time..

Exactly Mam!! So is it right to keep quiet if she starts something like this again? problems is I cant even be quiet with her she will press again for something!!

try it..do it once. tell her that since she is capable of staying alone, and if the neighbours and villagers comment about the you, the daughter you don't care.. maybe she will reduce her tantrums..

But it may increase them too as I told you she already said about jumping from balcony or consuming poison etc... she may create a scene with neighbours... I dont have any one here whom can I call in such situations. my husband an brother are abroad so cant come immediately

send her to her native.. and speeden up your visa. i do not know if your child is in school..and i guess your husband is in the gulf.. if you have the passports, it should not be a difficult task.. there are people who get visa's in a month if the husband has a family status.. the 3-5 months window that your giving yourself is a trap to yourself..you will find x reasons to stall.

perhaps what you said a little bit correct!! But it will actually take this much time coz of my job , renting out our flat and disposing off all the furniture, car etc. My husband is in US. and I can get a visa in one month too but I need to give 3 mnth notice in office
and in mind so many things come like if really something happens to her after I leave her then what will I do??

you need to act immediately or you are not going to do it vent..based on what you have written here. you tend to accept all that we say today when you read it, but you have doubts, your own fears, confusions when you come back the next day.

may be because I face her and her emotional blackmail hen I go back home.

sorry to say, there is a saying "you can take the horse to the water, but not make it drink" ..we can only help you so much, you need to actually take steps in that direction.

sorry, if you feel we are asking you to act against what is usual..sometimes, certain situations require extreme decisions and actions.. and i feel right now this situation you are in is one..

talk your brother, and tell him that you are sending her to native and call your husband to speeden up the visa..
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Yes shanvy mam it is an extreme situation thats why I am getting weak while taking a decision...

vent · Oct 5, 2012

bhuvnidhi said: ↑

Well OP,run,run,run as far as you can from this mess.This setup is potentially dangerous for you and your kid.Your kid is going ti be emotionally weak if she continues to stay with you.And your kid might copy/inherit her qualities.

Perhaps that is the reason for my emotional weakness too ... and experiencing the same behaviour from her twice before, I asked my mother to stay here rather than staying alone.....
Did you ever think about your hubby.A crude qn to you.What will you do if your hubby decides let your mother be your top priority?It can happen as you are not giving importance to "your" family.

My relationship with my husband is the only thing left with me at this time... and i dont want to ruin it
Your mom has already threatened you of suicide.The same people you fear now ( that they will think you did not take care of your mother properly if your mother badmouths about you) will say everything is because of you if something goes wrong.She is a control freak and cannot see anyone happy.By any chance , was she a govt school teacher?

No she was in centre Govt office
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Thank you Bhuvnidhi for your reply

Barnowl · Oct 5, 2012

The longer you stay, the easier it is going to be to manipulate you. She's already doing a great job at it.

Sorry to ask a blunt question - are you waiting for some mental threshold of yours to be crossed?

The reason, i ask is, you can sit and analyze this till the cows come home. But how fair is it for your H and kid's lives to be put on the line?

mommybird · Oct 5, 2012

Someone needs to say this and let me be the bad one.

Imagine a situation 3 months from now, your husband sends you a divorce notice because he is tired of living this life without wife and kids? What will you do? Cry to your mother and enable her all through your life? Please think if this is what you want. Can you imagine a divorced life with your mother to cling on?

Act now if you want to avoid this scenario.

lakshmisathish · Oct 5, 2012

ur mother is afraid that u may leave her alone...
she is not bothered abt the seperation for ur husband n u.... but she wants a guardian for her...

ur mother is very selfish now...
but u have to take care of ur kid n husband..
dont lose or miss ur life for ur mother's sake...
u can put her in a good home...
u can go n live with ur husband...
just for ur mother's sake, ur son is sacrificing, u r sacrificing....
this is against nature...

Put ur mother in a good home... u can take care of her , in ur holidays when u come to india..
she may feel for it initially.... but she will understand it later....

vini31 · Oct 5, 2012

if she is telling she would go to her native and stay there, dont book her return tickets ...
and all the talk of ppl at the native would take care of her, is just to make you feel guilty nothing much, be very clear and pack your bags and leave her to fend for herself

FreeSpirit20 · Oct 5, 2012

Yes vent, next time she says she is doing you a favor by staying here or she can stay alone at her native and asks to book the tickets, you take the opportunity in your hands, and immediately hand her the ticket.

She will definitely be surprised and start taking you on a guilt trip, how much ever she says, you keep yourself calm, divert your mind, plugin earphones, go for a walk but don't listen to anything she says at all. Be normal as if nothing happened. Make yourself distant and stronger to let her tantrums not effect you.