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can a married couple lead a happy life without children?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by radhavenkatesh, Mar 10, 2007.

  1. radhavenkatesh

    radhavenkatesh Bronze IL'ite

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    Can a married couple lead a happy life without children?

    this was the question i saw in one of the sites and many people were responding to it explaining the reasons .
    Why dont IL start giving ur opinions on the same?
     
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  2. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear RV,

    Whenever someone poses a question here about a problem or asks for advise, generally, the IL'ites have been generous with offering their views, ideas and advice. I am sure there will be other posts and replies to this query too.

    Can a couple be happy without children? On the outset, everyone will say no. We have formed certain pre-conceived notions as to what an ideal life should be. Grow up in sound homes with loving families, marry someone of your liking. Have a good income, own home and ideally two kids, a boy and a girl and enjoy sound health and lead a satisfied and rewarding life till the end of one's days. See your family members settle happily. Have a healthy life.

    Well, all of us know that life does not run so smoothly. One or the other above norms are never fulfilled. Or, you do lead that 'ideal' life and will not realise and crave for something more or something else. It is a paradox.

    So, when something is missing, we generally fall into depression and make ourselves miserable. When a door is firmly shut in your face, you simply want to go through that door only.

    That is why we have our great philosophies, one of them being the Bhagavadgita. It holds keys to many of our problems, if we can read and understand it.

    I feel it is best to accept whatever comes our way, especially when we have no control over it. Life is but once. We should look at all the positive aspects in our lives. Try to elaborate on it and see how we can add to it. What is the use of moping about things that cannot be fixed. Trying to keep a positive attitude is a constant process, very difficult and easy to slip. But try and try.

    When one has no children, one can still adopt. One can engage oneself in activities that involve children and extend some happiness to the little ones who have no one. Or else, you can divert your interests to other fields. The couple can undertake many activities which bring each other and others pleasure. It is all in the mind and attitude. We have enough examples if we look around where children have brought trouble to the parents. So, it is not the be all and end all of life. The Mantra is to be happy and positive, no matter what.

    L, Kamla
     
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  3. JustAni

    JustAni Silver IL'ite

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    Rightly said Kamla!

    I totally agree with you. You have written everything that was on my mind.

    The only problem is the sick pity which everyone gives you & even when you are not around people talk about you. You tend to become a topic for conversation.

    No matter how modern we are, in such matter Indian mentality has to change. I guess being Indian we don't have an option on being childless. You have to be married & then the kids come... if they don't the painful questions of "why not? Is there a problem?" Like that something "they" would like to discuss with the entire clan.

    Opting for being childless put more questions...like you want kids/grandkids when you become old, etc. They are your reason for growning old. That is something even parents having one kid will be hearing often...."Your kid will need company...& blood is blood...no cousin can take the place of a sibling".

    There are pros & cons like in everything... but if you are firm in your decision, then you should be able to handle society as well.

    Anita
     
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  4. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Anita,
    a good topic. And Kamla had given a good reply, hats off to you, Kamla.
    Happiness is a state of mind. We feel happy due to different reasons during different stages of life- it keeps on chaning.
    Having children does not guarantee a happy life. There was a tenant in our house- they were retired people living with their 2nd son. The first one is very affleunt and does not care for the parents. The 2nd one left the in the lurch after sponging all the PF amount from them. So as far as they were concerned, had they been childless, they would not be left on the road.
    Only thing is the couple should understand each other and be supportive. Take life as it comes, Kamla has aptly said.
    Incidently, there is a club here of people who do not have children.
     
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  5. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    Of course, YES.
    I've few friends who've decided not to have children and they seem to be absolutely happy. I think you shld just decide what you want to do in life. unfortunately, here, people are all in a hurry to have a child immediately after marriage and then crib the rest of their life about it.

    the world is changing so much so there's a whole lot of change in our thinking - and if anyone thought, we have children so they'll take care in their old age, they are wrong....... absolutely wrong.
    You have kids, fine - don't have one, fine yaar - don't want to have one, great!!! It's absolutely one's own decision and be happy about it.

    Kamla has written a perfect answer to your question -
     
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  6. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    A quick reply from the tip of my tongue. I will get back with more. My husband and I-married 12 years, no children. We would give anything to have /get a baby- male/female, biological/adopted, very healthy/ God forbid ,not so healthy- a lil one to be our own lil one.

    And we were not like this, we were very career minded and felt that we would be fine with or without a baby. We did not factor or not factor a family in our happiness basket. So wrong we were then.

    Well, time and experience proved us wrong. Now the only thing that will give us happiness is a baby. More later.

    affly
    Vidya
     
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  7. safa

    safa Bronze IL'ite

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    It is wrong for many people not having a child is fine. Not fine. For the first few years they were all right. After that a feeling of loneliness came home, and there is a shadow of sadness was hidden in the corner of their heart. They would say , people with children will not understand it.
    I know many, some of them are still wanting for a second child. A friend of mine would tell us, we don't want a second one. Later when her child was very depressed thinking about a sibling, that time she was not able to get one, and now she started thinking to do adoption.
    Recently a lady living here, got twins after 18 years of her marriage.All these past years were painful for her and life had been mechanical.
    No one expects the child for old age , but the joy that it brings.
     
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  8. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    I do agree, not having a child especially when you want one is very sad for the couple. But for one reason or the other, when one is unable to conceive and fulfill that wish, what can one do? It is sad enough that one goes through the heartache of childlessness, is one going to make the rest of the life more miserable and go around moping because one is not blessed with a child?
    It is true that this pain will always be embedded in the hearts and minds of the couple who do not have a child, nevermind whatever the cause. But then, life has to go on. So it is best to count other postive aspects in one's life and dwell and work on them.
    For childlessness, atleast adoption is a big alternative and I know many parents who have fulfilled the void in their lives by adopting.
    Many of us have many problems in our lives. Some lose a limb or an eye or whatever. Nobody wants to be handicapped in any way. But when it happens, what can we mere mortals do? As I keep reminding myself, life is but once. One should try and keep happy and trudge forth like a brave soldier, which is easily said than done.

    L, Kamla
     
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  9. Induslady

    Induslady Administrator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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  10. Shardu

    Shardu New IL'ite

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    hi all of u,
    i keep wondering about the same thing. i have been married for 5yrs.. never really had any inclination to have children. well! u know how ppl r due to all the pressures we have a son now. life had changed completely. i do enjoy. but i don't think i would want to go thru all that again. i love my son a lot and take good care of him. but really don't want another one.
    i keep getting a lot of pressures frm my in-laws.. i must have another child now. my son is only 1and 1/2 yr old. the whole thing pushes me into depression sometimes. i can't understand why ppl can't leave us alone. i don't want another child. but i don't have the courage to say it. they have the tendency to enforce their will on me whether i like it or not. now it has reached a point where my normal life get affected once that topic starts. they give me long lectures on the topic that i should have another child and why i should do it and that i will regret later and blah blah blah. after the long talk. it spoils my mood. i can't smile and be my normal self. i get irritable. and show it all on my husband. cause i wish he could just put his foot down and tell them don't interfere. i can't blame him too much cause he is sandwiched between the 2 sides.
    i feel lucky to be living far frm india. so i get the lectures on the phone only. i really dread the day i have to return to india. so i just keep wishing and praying that we settle down away frm india. i can't go back , can't put up with them. they force their wishes in every matter. every thing....
     

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