Calling mil as amma - Do we really mean? Is it peer pressure?

hi dsrini
this is a nice thread...as u say the very thought of calling MIL as amma bugs me..But no other go..I call my MIL as "amma"even though i dont like it..This is an un written rule in the case of our community..I belong to the iyer community..
No matter what a MIL can nver replace MOM!!
Why do Son-in-laws dont call their MILs as amma..they either call them as aunty,mami or athai..Why this discrimaination??

Cheers
Ramya

 

Hi, this is one of those numerous things that i did w/o asking why. Guess its abt time...

Anyway, i called my mil "amma" as soon as the engagement was over. That was the tradition in our house. My Mom told my sister to say that when she got married and so i assumed its the norm.

I thought it worked both ways. Though my husband and my in-laws were very happy with this, he refused to call my parents as amma and appa. Men, such double standards, or so i thought!!!

All the while during our first year after marriage whenver i called my inlaws as amma and appa, i thought i meant it.
But the time when i went back to India for the first time after our marriage, my inlaws said something that really shook me. They said since i'm their daughter now, with all Gothram changed and everything, they are my parents and i needn't go to "my parents house". First i thought they were joking, then i realized they were serious and they were very hopeful that i would agree with them.

That did it, i took a step back then. It scared me so much. That was never going to happen.
Now, although i still call my mil "amma", its just something i say out of habit.

Let's face it, i'm sure even my mil will "deep down" agree with me. I'm sure she has my best interests at heart, but can never be compared to my mother and for her part, she can never see me and her daughter in the same light.

The irony of all this is, my husband now calls my parents, amma and appa after 7 years of marriage and i think he actually means it. He did it out of his own accord.
I never gave him a hard time abt it all this while, since i realized long back that i myself am doing it only out of custom and habit.

Cheers
Bharathi

 

:iagree
Hi
I agree with Suji, a mil can never ever be compared to mom !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes it is a social pressure to address her so. In my case I can say datI always strived n went out of my way to please her, give hr importance but the policy of divide n rule she adopted between me n my
co-sister and then enjoying every bit of it from both sides makes me think that i am now paying a lip service by addressig her as mama.
ramanpreet

 

hi all,


most of them say that its mere complusion. so the majority wins. me too agree with that its a mere custom developed by our elders to get a intimate relationshhip with the inlaws but a MIL can never be a mom in most of the occasions and FIL cannot become a father.

i too avoid calling them unless there is a need. but i mention them as amma and appa in their absence. i also used to think y we should call anyways lot of misunderstanding and dissatisfaction will be there on both the sides so y to call just for the sake of following the custom. even if we have some good relationshihps there is no need to prove it by just calling amma and appa. its my view. how about yours my friends.

 

HI DSrini,

If you are uncomfortable calling your husband by name in front of relatives, you can just avoid it and use the traditional, 'vanngo' 'poongo' for some time. Well it may seem unnatural and even funny calling so, if you're not used, but to avoid unnecessary ruffling of feathers you could do it. It is only temporary right. Coz, I've seen some of my friends and cousins behave that way.

Well, this is just a suggestion on a lighter vein.

Regards,
Raji

 

Dsrini,
Surprisingly, as soon as my marriage was fixed my MIL asked my mother that I call her so and I started calling her 'amma'. Never bothered to sit and ponder if I meant it. I feel now that she mght have asked that out of insecurity, I mean a basic need to get loved by me. This was step 1.

Funny thing is she has a mil too and addresses her the same way. I am thinking if she ever pondered over the same question. hehe

There have been ups and downs. I know what to expect now. This 'amma calling' has not made any big difference. I mean it has not brought us close or driven us apart. This mom = mil is way way impossible and if it does happen, it s indeed purva janma punyam. But time changes certain aspects in life. We get matured and start looking at things with a new light. For the things we cannot change we learn to live with them.

Also we need to draw a lesson from this post. In future, as someone already said, we should not expect the same. If we want to reflect true character, we can wait till the DILs actually want to call so, in the sense we can equally love her even if she doesnt call us so.

As for husbands, mine doesnt call them anything. He addresses them as amma appa outside or to each other, but again as i said let them take time to build the bond. I defly dont want him to call them so out of pressure or pretension. It should be heartfelt and meant. Just by calling does not chage the dynamics. It s actions which speak more than this addressing.

I do wait for a time when we can live without pretension and we live like men do, with no expectations on us except that we take care of our families, husband and kids. The day when we are treated at par with men, we can shed the unwanted parda we wear and be our true selves.

 

I call the woman 'Amma' but do not mean it AT ALL. She is NOT my mother and she treats me worse than one would treat an animal. Actually, to be honest, I avoid calling her ANYTHING, except when we're in a crowd and I have to suddenly address her. But a rose by any name is still a rose... a MIL by any name is still a MIL, and NEVER a mother, no matter what you call her.

She knows that I don't think of her as my mother -- her behavior and treatment of me leave no room for that. I just need a way of addressing her and 'Amma' just happens to be the acceptable version, so I use it, purely out of convinience. A couple of times, I HAVE called her 'Maami', only to have her complaining so much about it. My MIL is all about fake actions, lip service and outward displays.

My cousin calls her MIL 'Maami'. Her cunning co-sister (I actually have to start a thread about my cousin's co-sister soon - she's a peice of work!) is all over their MIL and is the favorite DIL. But the truth is that my poor cousin and her husband do about 100 times more for MIL than that evil co-sister or BIL but MIL is taken in by all the "vesham" and melts when called 'Amma' by her favorite DIL, even though this DIL actually really hates her guts. At least my MIL is smart and KNOWS I don't mean it when I address her as 'Amma' - I make it very plain.

If a MIL treats a DIL like a daughter, THEN she SHOULD be called 'Amma'. If she treats the DIL like a dog, she has no right to demand to be called 'Amma'. Just call her 'Maami' or even better, don't call her ANYTHING.

 

They are your parents and you don't need to go to your parents' house, eh? Do they have any daughters?

On a side note, the gotram changed BS galls me, too. Whenever I do archanai at the local temple, I still use my porantha-aathu gotram, NEVER my husband's gotram. MIL gave me a hard time about that too, so these days, if we go to a temple together, I just tell the Bhattar to do the archanai in Perumal / Thayar payr. This way, we avoid mentioning any gotrams at all and I am spared the agony of having to listen to the woman's constant, high pitched, nasal, grating, whining about how I am now Gotram Y and not Gotram X. BLEH!