Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Dec 8, 2015.
@Rihana, the answer to your question was a rather one. So I posted it in snippets.
The very essential fact is to understand that each individual is a different personality.Though we say made for each other etc, truly it is not so.The spouse have to know the likes ,dislikes,preferences,sensitive points,strengths,weaknesses etc. of the partner.
if u just analyse we can see that the aged or middle aged women had been forced to make many a sacrifices. we have to be obedient to our parents,brothers etc. till marriage. The essential & adorable point is that there will be only love & affection in our Home though strict discipline is imposed.
When the role changes from daughter to daughter in law,the problem starts.Not only that whether arranged or love marriages, adjustment with the husband needs a lot of patience & literally shedding your EGO.The cosy life suddenly becomes a rosy life but still having thorns.The woman's efficiency lies in picking up roses without being hurt by thorns.A lot can be said.
1.Know ur hubbies strengths try to appreciate esp. in front of ur parents & brothers,sisters.
2. Know the weaknesses & never touch them in front of others as some people are very sensitive about their organisations & anything said against it even truth will hurt them & make them angry.
3.Whether employed or not in milder ways make ur spouse understand that ur role is most essential in running the household .
4.Know the personal interests & try to help or at least do not interfere. While Reading papers people dont want to be disturbed.Some while doing meditation,poojas etc. get irritated if unnecessary interference comes.
5.Always Think of your Family prestige ,how ur parents had dreamed & sacrificed for the success of the marriage & the reputation of the in laws family which is your own family , to continue for generations & MOST ESSENTIAL the character of your kids is built based on our mutual behaviour. Once married the Gothram itself changes..the thing is we have to observe Theettu only for 3 days for parents death & even celebrate festivals( though not full hearted),but all know the other side.The entire responsibility falls on the first DIL if any calamity happens.
"the woods are lovely Dark & Deep,but I have Promises to keep & miles to go before I sleep:
I am married for 32 years and my experiences are very limited. I am still exploring and learning more everyday about my wife. Like life experience learning about the spouse is a life long excise.
In our married life we have some simply practices (I don't like to call them as code of conduct as it would make the marriage into an arrangement that is not driven by love) which I would like to share:
1) Practice what we preach. If l like my wife to treat me with respect, I need to practice it first. Even one feels strong about a decision to be made on behalf of the family, one need not make it obvious that it is his/her way or highway and wait to hear the views of the spouse before taking a decision. Lot of times, hearing patiently helps decide the right way.
2) Timing is everything. We discuss complicated issues in a calm setting including how one is dominant over the other in any specific issues. Communicating in a conducive tone (instead of raised voice) is the key to the success of the marriage. Things get complicated only when we are afraid of each other and try to hint or communicate indirectly or communicate through others.
3) Conflicts are healthy and bound to happen. In case of conflicts that are intense, be competitive in being the first to compromise to make up the differences. This is a very healthy competition between us.
4) We never indulge anyone else into our differences to resolve the issues as it widens the gap instead of narrowing it.
5) Full disclosure - Both of us share very openly every information whether it is personal or professional. Information known to only one causes friction from time to time and we communicate with each other everything even if there is a delay.
6) Kid - Whenever our son has something to say about one of the parents as a grown up adult, we make sure the other spouse doesn't indulge in agreeing with him. By now, my son knows it is difficult to split us on opinion about one of us. He always communicate including both of us into one box.
Having said all of the above, I have to admit there are some things that bothers my wife/me in our marriage.
1) I am completely isolated in financial matters of our family and neither my wife nor son is interested in knowing my financial status. I always worry how would they know the details of my investments, savings, life insurance, etc.?
2) My son has a better relationship with his mom as it is more driven by love than respect. She gets to know more about him than I do. That is a secret sauce she is not sharing with me. When questioned, she says, "I have nothing to share nor hide from you".
3) I truly consider my MIL who lives with us as my own mother and look after her very well. She considers me as her son and sometimes it creates friction as she questions her own daughter on my behalf without me asking her to do so. This makes my wife believe that I am violating the rule 4 above whereas I am not communicating anything to my MIL about my wife.
4) My mother and brother's family have not treated my wife and son well till today. It has been a big irritant for me for years. But I do my duty as a son to my mother well. Most of the time, my wife blames herself for my strained relationship with my mother and brother which I vehemently refute. This has been a friction always between us.
Building mutual respect and equality in marriage is a long term process. Present days before marriage the would be couples can talk and understand each other to some extend. Building equality and self respect goes same for both love and arranged marriage. Ours is a arranged marriage (4 yrs). still i m struggling for self respect and equality. My SIL got married afer 3yrs of our marriage. My MIL and H wont allow me to wear Sleeveless, shirt and skirt or jeans. But they wanted their daughter to be a modern girl. When they searched groom for her they are very particular about her dressing manners and now she got married into a modern family. She is living a very independent life ( not a nuclear family )I m very much happy for her. But i cant do the same. Even if i go out my MIL expects me to ask her what colour dress i wear. After my SIL marriage my H slowly realising so many thing that he ignored before are of much important to me. My H loves his mom a lot but what the problem is he requires her permission to let me free and love me. Once he realised that being independent is my right then my problem is solved. We need our H's support and understanding for respect and equality in marriage.
If i want i cant take back my freedom respect and equality by myself. but that will strain my relationship with my MIL and H. Its like taking a saree from a thorny bush. We shouldn't spoil the saree and hurt our hands too. Now i m trying my best to make my H understanding that equality and respect is equally important to me. I hope he will understand it one day. Women should fight for their respect and equality without hurting their love towards us. That day our love towards each other will multiply 10 times 100 times 1000 times.
Tq all everyone had said thoughts of building married life . they ate fantiatic i like it. hope these help me in my married life. Iearnt many things here tq.
Mutual respect is very important in the family so that it will last forever. Equality in marriage is also important so that the head and its wife will have an equal opportunity the ruling the house. All we need in this world to be happy is just respect one another.
Hi....A very good discussion going on here.
Respect and equality....every single woman longs for this and so do I. But I strongly believe that respect is one side of the coin, the other side being love. Yes, both cannot exist without each other. A man can respect his wife only if there is love and similarly a man can love a woman if he respects her virtues.
My husband is a lovable person and a caring father. I love him and respect him the most in my life. He cares for me too and provides everything without asking but alas....I feel there is neither love nor respect from his side.
It always feels like he provides stuff because its his duty.
He has a high self esteem and cannot take me to be his equal. I am independent in my day to day activities and he provides me all freedom but never thinks I am smart enough for important works.
I have had a good career and now taking care of my home...have travelled well and well educated....but am never able to win his confidence.
I am overweight and always think that maybe this is the reason for the missing magic in my otherwise peaceful married life.
Whenever my self esteem takes a beating I refrain from an argument or fight for the only reason that my husband is a good person at heart...just not so happy with me. Don't know how to mend this.....
I read the essay on self respect, will read it many times since loved the way it is written.
Thanls for sharing.