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Bringing my FIL to US- Good or Bad Idea?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by dsrini, Feb 22, 2008.

  1. dsrini

    dsrini Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi all

    First I appreciate SS for her wonderful reply/support/comfort to all the ILitesBow. I am a great admirer:queen of u coz u put ur thoughts into words:bowdown(trust me only few people can do this) so nicely, ur DH, ur kids r very lucky.

    Also I appreciate Ria, Aarushi and all others who give very good suggestion to our friends. :hatsoffto all of u.

    Now coming to my problem, (bare with me its going to be a long post)

    We bought a property in India and were sending the payment to my mil account & my fil will pay it. Lot of relatives have been telling us that he is cheating some money. They knew all this from my mil(she don't have a say in anything) & we couldn't do anything coz my DH has given the power of attorney to my fil.

    Reason for Cheating: Previously my fil had(has) a habit of going to horse race. My dh thought he stopped,but once the payments for our house came it may have tempted him, so now he has started. My mil is working but somehow she found out about this. But unfortunately, that house which she bought by taking loan is now on lease to some rowdy(thats what my bil told but not sure he might be a good guy), it seems my fil will beat my mil she is so afraid to talk.

    Now, we found out that he has cheated some 2 to 3 lakhs(just from us), also from couple of relatives he has borrowed nearly 50,000. My dh will be going to India to change the name of the property, only after that I have asked him to talk to my fil that too in a soft tone coz later he shouldn't beat my mil.

    Our first plan was that we 3 (myself,DH,our li'l one) were planning to go. But since this came up I don't want to go coz I don't have my parents there so I have to stay with them the whole time. I don't want to get into this mess, DH is 100 % OK with this.

    First question: What r the legal thing the he need to look for while transferring the name of the house.? I asked him to take the property paper to some lawyer & make sure he(fil) didn't get any money by keeping this paper to some body.

    Next...

    Mil is very eager to meet her first grand child, that too she wanted a grand daughter(We have a Girl who resembles lot like her), so she will be devastated if we don't go, so I suggested we bring her here. My DH also wants to bring his grand-ma(who took care of him from his childhood) & I respect that.

    Second Question: My DH doesn't want to bring my fil here, but I say if he stays there he has access to my mil's account so he will take the money & also I am afraid that might get lot of loans since no one is there to report his behavior.
    My dh left this to my decision. But I am also in the confusion coz I am not working so staying with all of them all day(especially I don't like my fil coz of the things he said about my mom&all the troubled he gave during marriageRant).
    Anywayz if he comes I am planning to take up some job or even volunteer.

    But I wanted to bring him here for the sake of my mil but also totally confused.:spin
    Please help:help make this decision on whether bringing him here.

    Note: My fil sent my bil out the house so he has no voice so no help at all from bil.
    My dh is totally with me in this, actually whatever we both decide is the final.

    Sorrrryyyyyyy for this not-so-long-post.bonk

    Thanks in advance.Bow

    Dsrini


     
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Bringing my FIL to US- Good or Bad Idea??//

    hmm.. Problems come in all different shapes and sizes. You have a good MIL, but FIL has decided the shake the peace.

    Here is what I can think of:

    - You should bring your MIL here and let FIL be there. Make sure your husband changes MIL's money to another safe account where FIL doesnot have access. I think FIL needs to be alone for sometime. If he borrows and gambles, You folks can never control it. Let him do whatever he wants. Let your husband tell him plain and clear that He will not tolerate any such squandering of money and violence on his mother.

    - Since you both seem to have consensus between both of you. It should be far easier. Ask you MIL to take some one or two years of leave and stay with you guys. She doesnot deserve to be beaten at this age. I think your husband should personally talk to his father and straighten this. At this age, only son can bring sense.

    - Once FIL gets unsupported by both sons, he will eventually get some senses. Also if possible ask your husband to go and meet FIL's frends and relatives. Ask him to leave a word of caution for not lending any money.

    - I personally feel it will be good if some good uncle or sensible relative of his age offers to supervise his actions for some duration.

    - not sure how feasible it may be, But you may think of getting FIL some psychiatric counselling. Gambling is an addiction and it can be talked out of with some tactful people.

    - About property re-titling, I think it should be fairly staright-forward. Not sure if lawyer can verify wether someone has taken loan against it.

    Currently your biggest issue is , FIL thinks you folks are helplessly dependent on him wether its property issue or MIL's issue. Different ages bring different issues in males too. In family sometime to straighten things, we need to be stern and firm with our dear ones too.

    Ria
     
  3. dsrini

    dsrini Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Bringing my FIL to US- Good or Bad Idea??//

    WOW RiaBow. Wonderful reply, how come u guys analyze a situation so beautifully. Man! u guys r really good.:hatsoffto alllll.

    U r 100% right. At first my DH was so angry that he even wanted to hire some guys n beat his dad but later I convinced him not to do such things & now he is very calm & decided to talk to his dad very softly. All the relatives are aware of this & we can ask them to monitor him.

    First thing v have to apply for visitor visa. Then lets c how thing goes.

    Thank u so much. For ur reply.

    DSrini
     
  4. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Bringing my FIL to US- Good or Bad Idea??//

    Dear Dhivya aka Dsrini (see, I know your first name too :)),

    Indeed quite a few challenges ahead of you Dhivya. But, before I write down my suggestions let me congratulate you on two huge wins! J

    First, for the birth of your lovely daughter. And second, for a wonderfully supportive husband. After reading that your husband confers with you in every decision he makes and many times even leaves the decision entirely up to you, I feel very confident that you can get over this hump without too much pain.

    Great suggestions Ria! Mine are going to be on similar lines.

    For the transfer of title, if the property is on your fil’s name your fil will have to sign a paper to the effect that he is willing to transfer the ownership to your husband. In my opinion you should definitely consult a good and neutral attorney who will ensure everything is the way it should be.

    Since you now know about your fil’s irresponsible handling of money, going forward can you make arrangements for direct payments to the mortgage company rather than transferring the money to your mil’s account? Definitely do that if it can be done, even if it comes at a slight price.

    Now, how to handle the situation with mil and fil’s visit.

    You have two options:

    Option 1: Like Ria said, let your fil be in India and get only your mil here.
    There are a few things to consider.

    Who will control his money spending habit of your fil while your mil is here? I am in agreement with Ria’s suggestion that you should transfer your mil’s money to another account which fil does not have access to. Your husband can be the joint owner on this new account. If you can set up something that your husband and you can access online from here and do basic transactions like money transfer etc. then that is the best. Your mil does not seem to have much power in the house so someone responsible needs to actively take care of that money.

    Of course, you cannot leave your fil with no money. So you will have to leave some money (based on how much monthly expense he will incur) in the current account that he has access to. Again, if you leave too much money, say you leave money based on 4 months of your mil’s stay here; there is no guarantee that your fil will not spend all that money in the first month itself. So if you can leave only a month’s expense worth of money in the account then you might be better off.

    That’s one big reason why I am suggesting that you have your mil’s account set up with online access and in joint ownership with your husband. So your husband can transfer money to your fil’s account or to the common account from here every month or on a need basis.

    I feel bad about suggesting such control measures for an elderly person. But sometimes people’s minds get so clouded that they are not able to differentiate good from bad. So someone has to come forward and do it for them. It has to be your husband and you in this case.

    As for your fil not taking any loans in your mil’s absence, not much control you can exercise from here. But yes, if relatives and friends are informed to not loan him money then that might help quite a bit. Also, on his trip to India, ask your husband to meet and/or call each and every one of the people your fil borrows money from and let them know that neither your husband nor his brother are financially responsible for any money their father is borrowing. So let the loaners know that if they are giving money to your fil it is solely at their own risk.

    Lastly, is your mil ok in coming here without your fil? Talk to her and get her thoughts too on this.

    Option 2: Get your fil here along with your mil.
    First, you will have to deal with him on a daily basis. Yes, you could find some volunteer work or may be a part time job to keep you busy but you will still have to deal with him much more than you’d like to. I guess knowing his nature you may be able to learn to ignore him or deal with him tactfully.

    But, what if he starts asking for money while he is here? What if he starts making unreasonable demands? How will you handle that? A person who is so blinded by greed is bound to be greedy here too. So you’ll need to think about how you will handle this part.

    Another thing is, your mil will not be able to live in peace over here too if your fil accompanies her. He will trouble her over here also just like he troubles her over there. So your mil may not be able to enjoy the time with her precious grand daughter.

    No matter how hard we try, if a person living with us is constantly in a bad mood or is being negative, it does spoil the environment of the house. So if you have to get your fil here then you should think about how to handle a person like him who may not always be nice to have around.

    Either option you go with, I think your husband must separate your mil’s salary account when he goes to India this time. Open an account that has online access and is a joint one with mil and him (your husband). Leave the current joint account of your fil and mil open but transfer majority of the funds to the new account.

    Good luck! Write back with more questions, ideas etc. We can all collectively try to find some workable solutions.

    SS

    PS: Thanks a lot for your lavish appreciation of my replies. Thank you, thank you and thank you! I am indeed humbled!


     
  5. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    drsrini,
    SS & RIa have given you good suggestions on the personal front.

    Regarding the property, if it was brought in your husband's name with a power of attorney in your FIL's name, the procedure is simple, you only have to revoke the power of attorney in his name. and if the house has been completed, you can just give pdc's to the lending bank directly instead of sending the money to your mil's account. you can direct ECS. (this reply is assuming you have taken a housing loan)

    If it was a POA, you can revoke the poa with a help from a good lawyer in india, i don't think you need to be there in india. and also if the POA was not used by FIL for a period of time, there also you have ground to nullify the power.....

    2. It the property is registered in your FIL's name , to transfer the property into your husband/your name, he has to agree, and then you have to get it transferred...transferred the procedure is it will registered as a sale from your FIL To your husband and you have to pay registration and stamp duty.

    Hope this helps.....
     
  6. dsrini

    dsrini Bronze IL'ite

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    More questionssss also final plan

    First of all BowBow:thankyou2::thankyou2:SS & Shanvy for ur wonderful & detailed reply.

    SS, Get Well Soon from the cold & stomach virus. Take care.

    Now coming to the topic:
    Fortunately, the construction is over now. Infact most of residents have occupied. But my fil didin't get the key yet coz of his late payment(bonk:spin).

    Shanvy my DH has signed only the power of attorney & house is in my DH name only. I think(from what u have said) it shouldn't be a problem. But is there a way to know that he didn't get any other loan based on the house from someone else??? & one more thing we r planning rent the house (at first we thought of locking it up for unknown period but we have to pay lot of money towards maintenance each yr) so my question is:
    We don't want him to get the rent or advance for the house. I suggested that we ask the tenants to deposit directly into our account.
    But the problem we r going only for 4 weeks(or 3 weeks) so in this short period of time how can we find a person for rent. I want to meet them personally & give and get the details. But totally :spin:spin.

    Now the final plan: I have decided to join my husband coz in case my mil didn't get a visa and I don't go, she will be heartbroken coz of not seeing our lil one. So we all will go and also try for her visa along with DH's grandma(But not for fil its my Idea). If they get visa then they can join us if not then v have to try for their visa later.

    I have one more Q: We want to get H1 & H4 stamping. Can v take Aditi inside the consulate(I don't want to leave her with my inlaws) .

    Sorry again for not-so-long post. Take care.

    DSrini
     
  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Srini,

    1. since it is only a POA and the construction is over, the emi's would have started, and if the builder has handed over the house to you and taken the signature from your side for the completion certificate to be handed over to the housing finance(bank) then there is no need of POA. you can revoke it. I would suggest you to get your mil to go through the house to check for full completion and also minor details before taking the keys.(since you have mentioned it has not been handed over..)

    (moreover, if you have taken the poa formatted by the bank,then it will clearly be stated it is only for any payments, authorisations to be done on behalf of your husband.. just go through the poa again if you have given him freedom to do anything more...if not he cannot do anything with the poa. As the documents to the house would already be with the lender, I very much doubt he can take loan on that...only if he goes to some private and known person,saying it is his house...that you are the better judge...)
    If the loan was through a public sector bank, it could reflect in the EC of your property, if not, it is very difficult to find out unless somebody comes forward...

    2. if you are very friendly with your banker, you can submit the pdc in an envelope, which he will deposit on your behalf..(regarding rent/advance).
    or you could draw a rental agreement with your tenant, regarding the deposit, and also about rent to be deposited in the bank a/c...on the ..date every month.since you have decided on renting, draft a rental agreement when you have the time and be ready to just include the other details when you finalise a tenant.

    3.Renting is easier with so many options. you can register your property for rent on the net. even in indusladies in the chennai section, i had opened a thread..u could try to advertise it there from now(if the prop is in chennai..or post it in other areas.....with details of the property and the rent and advance. you can ask them to sent pm to you regarding contact details...http://www.indusladies.com/forums/housing/11209-i-like-buy-sell-rent.html
    Don't be confused and worried. chart out what you want to do..before you leave, us. so that if not 100 % you are sure to do at least 70%.

    I am really happy you want to take your Daughter to visit her Patti.do it..she is really going to bless and thank you for that.

    a long reply for a not so long post. hope it is useful.
     
  8. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Good decision Dhivya. Your mil will love you even more for this :).

    Do people in India still lease their house to companies? 10+ years ago, 11 month leases to companies were very common and also considered safe since one did not have to deal with individual tenants that may latter cause problems in vacating the property. I have been out for too long so don't know if it still holds true.

    But, you have Shanthi's expert input. That should do you good.

    Good luck with the India trip!
    SS
     
  9. dsrini

    dsrini Bronze IL'ite

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    Very Sorry SS for not replying. Thank you so much. I got lot of help from Shanthi (disturbed her a lot), bunch of Bowto her.

    Very eagerly waiting to meet my mil. This weekend I talked to her, at that time I said "I wanted to spend lot of time with u(only u) & I want u to spend every minute with ur grand daughter"
    After this she started crying & said thank u. She is a very good person & she deserves this.

    Thanks Ria(Where is she anyway), SS, Shanthi for all ur help.

    I will definitely post "my after trip" details.
    Looking forward for no-cooking month.....

    Dhivya.
     
  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    hey dhivya,

    Glad to have been of some help.

    I would have loved to at least have talked to you when you are in chennai..if all goes well, i will be leaving for vacation first week april...so have a nice time.

    I am sure mil will be very happy along with your parents. All the best..thing will go your way.....

    Will catch up with your experiences when you return back...

    Blessing to your daughter for her first birthday and a namaskarams for your il's.

    Ria should be enjoying in india.
     

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