During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist took his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know, it's not until next Tuesday." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ <?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" /><v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" oreferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"></v:shapetype> <v:shapetype stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" oreferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"></v:shapetype><TT>He </TT><TT>rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with </TT> <TT>antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the </TT><TT>outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the </TT><TT>businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend </TT><TT>he had a big deal working. </TT><TT>He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. </TT><TT>Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" </TT> </PRE> <TT></TT><TT>The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone </TT><TT>lines." </TT> </PRE>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Innocent Blonde Then there was the innocent blonde who decides she wants do something wild and add some spice to her life. She wants to start by renting an X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and looks around, finally settling on a Title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, slips into something comfortable, lights some candles, pours a glass of wine, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store and complains: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." The clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" And the blonde answers, "Head cleaner".