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BIL/SIL just use my kids for their vacation!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by suha2010, Jan 26, 2010.

  1. suha2010

    suha2010 New IL'ite

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    Hello all:

    I am new to this forum. Please read through. I will first tell you about our family. Dh has a brother and sister. Brother is elder and in US. Sister in Mumbai. Both have kids.

    We moved from the US to India 3yrs back. We lived in US for 5yrs. After moving back we bought an 3 bedroom apartment. Sometimes, inlaws stay with us since in the same city they have their own apartment too.

    BIL and family visit India for vacation and stay with us. They come for summer and my kids vacation will almost be over when their vacation starts. BIL wants to show all places to his kids and wants my kids to go along too. When I say that they have school he says "oh! its ok they can just take leave for couple of days, anyway we are not here for all the time, right??". As you all know how easily kids get distracted. It is hard for me to get them on track once it gets upset. My kids already had their vacation time and I want them to focus on studies now. BIL says if the cousins do not interact then what is the whole point of them coming to India. MIL/FIL agree with him and ask me to take my kids along with them to movies, theme parks and all funstuff. I am more worried when my kids have some class tests. They do not have time to study when cousins are around. Since, they come once in a year, so my kids need to give them company,play with them etc. All kids fall in same age group +,- couple of years difference.

    SIL is in Mumbai. She sends her kids for dussehra vacation and christmas vacation. Her kids also about my kids age. My elder dd does not like her cousin (SIL dd) at all . She says she is too bossy and treats her badly. Come vacation, and my SIL tells me to send my kids or she will send her kids. I do not want to send my kids since my dd is not comfortable in their house at all. Also, I don't like if my kids waste all that time without even opening their books. I want them to revise and catch up if they find any topic difficult. All this can be done better during vacation if they are rested. I told her I need my kids to study atleast one hour during vacation and this time I even had a tutor for my dd for her Math. She says"oh! my kids do everything on their own. You are always behind kids and their study. You are spoiling them. See, how well my son scored this time and he did not need my help at all". I hate this comparision.

    BIL takes them out to restaurants even if I say no since their school started already and they may fall sick. He just does things with my kids , his way. Even my dh cannot tell him.
    Another thing is he keeps comparing the kids. He says his kids get awards, participate in debates,quizzes etc. My kids are equally smart and have quite a few credentials to themselves but I just don't like exhibiting all that. Most irritating is , he randomly asks my dd some question and if his son is able to tell the answer he starts criticising the education system in India. I have seen if his son cannot answer he will so coolly ignore.
    My cosister is a shopping freak. It appears to me that they come to India to shop and not spend time with family. She wants me to go with her. When I say "kids will come from school, I have to be there". BIL says you get so stressed out even if my parents, my mom is there to help you, for us in US we have to do all alone, we both work but still we manage to do all alone". I mean, it is so frustrating to have them around. It is vacation for them not for us. My kids eat late, sleep late and imagine they have to go to school next day. The TV will be loud with all of them watching movie, chatting loudly about their life in US. This US US US chantings from him is so irritiating to me.

    It is a long post .Hope you read through without difficulty. Please tell me what to do.

    Suha
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2010
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  2. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    yeah in fact it looks irritating about comparing. i myself am victim of comparing during childhood. it did effect me mentally. It took time for me to gain my confidence and finally "teach" my mind that those who compare are stupids.Finally i was in very good national college with very good rank in AIEEE than those whom i was compared with in my childhood. Please keep your kids away from people who compare. They are too young. It sits down in their mind. They start feeling very inferior and it might reflectto you later in their life. If he starts criticizing about education system in India just give them tit for tat. if your SIL starts comparing just in some casual chats mention her though your kids get lot of prizes you simply hate to "switch on the loudspeaker". When you say it say it in serious tone. then asusual continue the normal chats. if she still compares say it again and again whenever you get the chance.That's the best medicine.

    Instead of you saying Kids have school when they come teach the kids to say it themselves. Teach them to say "I am not interested in coming. I have very important unit test". let them give BIL's children company hen they are back from their enjoyment. before they come let your kids complete their homework. Teach kids to be that way. You have 1 year long time. Kids do whatever they are taught to.
     
  3. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello,
    Try sending them to BIL's parent's home..They too have an apartment right in same city right?..Like u can be diplomatic "wont it be great ifthis vacation we spend at PIL's place"
    U and DH both be firm that it is NOT ok to miss school.. Coz BIL can't force much if both of u are against it.. Ask them to schedule trips around weekends.. Again not during class tests.. ask them to schedule after the class tests..

    SIL's dd is around ur daughter's age.. Tell her not be bossy and it is bad behavior.. Children usually listen when elder's tell them what is good, what is bad..

    Ask her on the face why she is comparing?.. Every child is special in its own way..
    Also dont bother to tell her about tutor and all..

    Again comparing is not healthy for the kids.. Tell him on the face.. Dont hold back.. Every child has their own abilities.. There is no standard yardstick to measure the abilities..

    U dont ignore if his son cannot answer.. Exaggerate that and use it tell ur BIL that his criticism of Indian Education system is wrong..

    Send ur MIL for shopping with Co-sis.. U can put it like "Hey we visit the shopping malls often, why dont u take MIL, she hardly goes out.. It'll be a change for her too".. If they both go for shopping, u can cooly attend to ur children..

    This prob can be solved if BIL & family go to PIL's home.. U ppl can also visit them there only..
     
  4. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Sorry about your situation, sounds really irritating.

    But why is your BIL staying with you guys, cant they stay at his parents place. So that on weekends, you guys can visit them, go out and enjoy and week days your kids go to school.

    Cant your co-sister go shopping with her friends or cousins or her parents or her MIL, why is it you ?

    You need to put your foot down and enforce some ground rules. They will make a big hue and cry but its ok, India didnt get independence by being silent. People struggled to get.One year they will be upset, next year they will forget and move on.

    If you dont stand up and talk, others will walk all over you. You will be disrespected in your own home. Have your dh's support and clearly say "Please stay at parents in law's house next time, our kids have grown up and they have a lot to study, they cant have another vacation."
     
  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Suha,

    It looks like happy family where BIL and SIL prefer to visit your place.


    How long they would typically stay in your house?When I was growing up for me holidays and spending time with cousins is the best thing.

    So I don't advise to completly stop the meetings.Only kids can do atleast 10th grade.After the everyone will be busy with there lifes and they remember child hood memories.

    The best thing ,you need to talk to your BIL directly and see he can plan his vacation during your kids holidays.

    Even when he start comparing,I think you need to genetly remind him or warn him about your dislike.

    I think ,You should teach your daugther how to handle bossy kids.Personally I beleive it's good for kids if they would able to deal with different kind of people and they will learn.

    Since they are part of your husband family,there are always some issue sone or other.Only thing if you dislike some thing about there behaviour,just tell them jently that's not acceptable and they should able to understand.
     

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