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betrayed and confused

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by bruised234, Oct 25, 2015.

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Oct 30, 2015 #31

bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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I spoke to one of my friends who went through a divorce and she said that it was very typical of the husband to deny the whole affair and it was even normal to tag her as a suspicious wife. Gauri, I am also trying to find proofs against him but I cannot find solid proofs to tag him. But I know for sure something is going on behind my back. One thing she and my mom said in common were - if he is really into EMA, he will surely leave a clue in the future, I just need to wait for it, until then, I lie low and prepare myself physically and mentally for the ensuing drama. She even said that in her case, the husband was absolutely guilt-free in the entire episode, which is the symptom that DH is displaying as well. He was not at all having any second thoughts about having the EMA. It did not at all end well for her. She did suggest going for a consultation with a legal person just to know what my options would be in case anything happens. Does anyone here know a good legal consultant in such matters in the bay area? Please suggest someone genuine considering my position here. I even tried to tail him without any success, I cannot spend more time, money and resources on him. In my position right now, every penny counts for me.

bruised234, Oct 30, 2015

bruised234, Oct 30, 2015

#31
Oct 30, 2015 #32

sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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People cheat because they want to (no moral code) and when opportunity presents. The spouse is not the reason for cheating. And yet this line is fed to women that they should do more to "fix" the relationship. The wife is not to blame for the man's indiscretions. Shame for even suggesting that. I am sure if the wife was the one cheating, you would not suggest the same to the husband.

OP- I am not sure what the truth is but lack of trust can poison even the best of relationships. Once an idea is in our mind, it can take a life of its own even without much to go on. So be careful of that. On that other hand, if you feel that strongly that there is something going on, gather evidence and then confront your husband. Without evidence, he will just blame you for mistrusting him.

Murali2015 said: ↑

Did you ever try to find out - what's the reason for this? What makes your husband to cheat you? A true loving husband would never do this. If so, there could be a problem from your side also. Realize that and fix that. Show your love for him. Sometimes husbands get irritated with nagging wives and go out for another love. Try to find out what makes him to do like this and find a solution for this.

Murali
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sdiva20, Oct 30, 2015

sdiva20, Oct 30, 2015

#32

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Oct 30, 2015 #33

sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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OP I read some of your other post. Obviously your husband has in past been abusive towards you. So he is far from the good husband. Much as I sympathies with your situation, without proof it is really your word against his. In today's world, I am surprised you have not been able to get any solid proof apart from that one text. But by the way what did you see in that text that makes you so sure that he is cheating?

I am not sure how much you can trail him. Can you get an investigator? I know nothing about how that works but surely they should be more resourceful and find out relatively easy. You can wait for some more time and see if he stumbles but if not get a PI if only to get back your sanity back. This must be a horrible situation for you.

sdiva20, Oct 30, 2015

sdiva20, Oct 30, 2015

#33
Oct 30, 2015 #34

bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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Oh I tried the PI route, I lost more sanity and a good amount of money with that. I think he realized I could get someone to tail him, so he behaved very carefully. I at first thought he was really innocent until he displayed his behavior again in the evening after the whole thing was called off. No use really, that route costs money, is not under my control and it only added to my anxiety. I don't even want to spend that much money on this issue anymore. The only other thing I could try is to put a spy device on him. He keeps denying the whole thing, so I cannot even comment. From the looks of it, it seems to me like he is trying to buy time or he is in two minds for reasons best known to him. sdiva20 whatever technology it may be, you cannot do much when the person is being double careful to not leave a trail behind. Investigator route did not help at all.

bruised234, Oct 30, 2015

bruised234, Oct 30, 2015

#34
Oct 30, 2015 #35

Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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bruised234 said: ↑

Of course I am not talking to anyone except my parents. They believe me, but they too are saying without the proof you cannot accuse him. I have no proofs. But there are obvious, tell tale signs. Lying the fact that he is carpooling with her everyday, not talking much to me, other than anything related to house and kids, not wanting to move with me in public, not accounting for where he is going a lot of times. Murali, I tried a lot. My idea is he needs someone who is strongly independent, financially and emotionally very strong. He is the type who will do anything to find his happiness. I am the type who has no idea of what makes me happy. We both want attention and are not willing to give it to each other. He does not like me conversing each and everything to my family, my brother. I am very close to my family and this is not something he likes. I think in the past one year, I faltered and let him slip. I was very angry with him for being physically abusive to me. There were times I wished he let go of me and my kids. But that was merely in frustration. This kind of straying is even more difficult to bear than physical and verbal abuse. A woman can bear anything but cheating. However, I am gathering my wits now. What can be done when the milk is spilt? No use crying over it. I only pray that - a. it is all my imagination. b. I turn into a better individual and come out of this strong and resolute instead of going the wrong route. c. I hope he realizes his mistakes some day.
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I was in this boat for 2 years until I found the proof and then I walked out.

If you happen to be a normal person, that is you have not had this suspicious trait in you before with other relationships like friends, ex boyfriends...then please listen to this instinct. I had this instinct as well, but I was called paranoid by my ex, so for 2 years I endured that pain until one day I found proof they were cheating and meeting at cheap motels.

I think you should hire a investigator, so you can find the truth and be at peace

Jazmine83, Oct 30, 2015

Jazmine83, Oct 30, 2015

#35
Oct 30, 2015 #36

bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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Jasmine,
As I mentioned, he is pretty vigilant now, a private investigator is not at all cheap and the worst part they don't turn up when you want them to. In between all these if the spouse finds out that you are tailing them, then it is a bigger headache. For now, I have strained myself a lot. I am sure if he is serious about it, he will definitely leave a clue pretty soon. I am so done thinking about it. I think I cannot think about it anymore. I think I would be better off placing this to rest for sometime and concentrate on myself.

bruised234, Oct 30, 2015

bruised234, Oct 30, 2015

#36
Oct 30, 2015 #37

Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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I think you should just stay calm and not question him on this matter. If you continue to pester him, then he will react or hide stuff.

It is pretty clear from the messages that they are carpooling. It is possible that your husband has one sided fantasy in that woman and may be liking to spend time with her. Is the woman married? It is possible that the woman may be using your husband - Did you watch Pyar ka punchnama (the first one)? May be they are not having all out affair.

Alternatively, check out if you or your friends or someone in IL have friends in the company where he works and maybe they can help to get more information. You can PM me with the name of his company and i can confirm if i know someone there.

Akanksha1982, Oct 30, 2015

Akanksha1982, Oct 30, 2015

#37
Oct 30, 2015 #38

PAR1NEETA New IL'ite

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my warm hugs to you everything you listed is exactly something i had in my past to be honest. i too had sleeping problems coz of my mind would never want to stop thinking of his next step. oneday he said i m leaving (ps. i was 9 years younger than his age and my age that time was 23). I opened the door and said please go and enjoy your life. when man doesnt love, respect, care and has pride for his wife than he doesnt deserve anything so pure as you in his life.
this is the bitter truth, that you may still be awake for few more nights if you leave or he leaves but than your tired eyes and confronted heart will finally get the peaceful sleep ever. i also feel the emotions you have as kids are involved here as well. but sister, kids too need good humans to be around them and a mum as pure and kind as you, they will surely be your strength to move on..
time is a great factor and time will oneday make you sparkle out of these miseries.. m so touched that you are sensible and kind hearted lady. God bless you and please believe that God doesnt close a door without opening another cheer up.. put your lovely smile back and let him watch that you are blooming..glowing
kind regards
pari

PAR1NEETA, Oct 30, 2015

PAR1NEETA, Oct 30, 2015

#38

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Oct 30, 2015 #39

bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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Thanks Parineeta.

bruised234, Oct 30, 2015

bruised234, Oct 30, 2015

#39
Oct 30, 2015 #40

vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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gauridinesh said: ↑

OP

If it was me, I would have brought the house down.
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OP,

My exact stand. I really don't find that to discuss this issue you need evidence. If whether you talk with your husband calmly or arguing, doesn't matter. If he agrees or not is not the issue. Are you fine to live a person who is having an affair. The kids though affected, it is definitely you in the end who should decide whether to continue with this relationship. There is no other solution, rather than to discuss and the end of this relationship if required.

vaidehi71, Oct 30, 2015

vaidehi71, Oct 30, 2015

#40

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