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Becoming Difficult To Ignore These Days

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by preeti6years, Feb 8, 2021.

  1. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Many of you would be knowing my situation from my previous threads. For those who are not aware, I am not in talking terms with MIL. MIL hates me to the core. She prefers BIL (H younger brother) and his wife over us even though we are taking ILs responsibility. BIL/Cosis never invited ILs to come and stay with them.
    Cosis doesnt like MIL as well, but she plays smart. She speaks very sweetly with MIL and inturn tunes BIL to make him not to call them to their place.
    BIL is altogether another intolerable person to deal with. Initially he troubled me a lot when he was unmarried by showing extra possessiveness towards his bro and kept on brain washing my husband.
    Now my husband has realised few things and fortunately he is better now. Or it may be that he has understood that BIL is not the person who takes his parents responsibility and to take that up he has to be nice with me. Whatever things are just fine with me and husband now.
    Coming to the issue, MIL gets restless to talk to BIL and Cosis and gives immense importance and respect to them. I have no issue with that. My issue is that she is very rude to my H also these days and I am not counted at all. She makes sure she has a good conversation with cosis every weekend. Even though Cosis is not willing she makes sure BIL calls her and talks to her.
    Then again on v. call she talks about my dd with cosis. Not even a day she spoke anything to me about my dd.
    All the time she will be super excited to talk to those two and will be searching for topics to extend the call and to talk to cosis in specific. This time I got super irritated with this and spoke to husband about it.
    Initially he denied saying its all my negative thinking. I told him to witness a weekend video call and then it will be clear for him. Usually he goes out to make calls to his friends in the evenings and that is when MIL gets call from them. So H is unaware of it a bit. But I told him to stay back for one day and observe and then judge me and my thinking. He did so and witnessed all the video call drama. He is also not ok with this behavior of his mom but doesnt talk openly about it.
    Not sure if he has spoken to her on this, she in increasing the dosage day by day and especially infront of me she deliberately speaks to BIL about cosis, her parents etc etc.
    I feel quite uneasy these days as if I am not worth it. It irritates me to the core.
    Cosis is another story. She shared many things with me earlier and I also treated her like my younger sister .She openly told me that she hates MIL and the entire lot for that matter. But on the contrary she remains very sweet with MIL. Shares pics, youtube videos, articles to MIL on whatsapp. One fine day she stopped talking to me for no reason for which I am absolutely fine. .I have nothing to do with them too. But it did not end there. Couple of times she had kept provoking quotes on her whatsapp status as if I am egoistic, arrogant, hurt soul and all.
    I ignored it many times and on one fine day I gave a fitting reply on my whatsapp status too and it had ended there. The hatred has extended so much that they made sure not to call me on special occasions too (my dd bday especially).
    I am extremely irritated with all this and not sure how to deal with these people.
    Husbands mantra is "IGNORE". But I feel these are beyond limits to ignore.
    I think I have done enough ranting now.
     
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  2. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    I understand your plight. But really , it is a blessing that your Mil and Co sis are best of friends and ignoring you! You do the same,just think along these terms that they are just acquaintances to you and nothing more. Don’t keep their numbers in your WhatsApp contacts too, so you don’t have to read their WhatsApp status.. In short be detached with them. If mil talks to co sis for you to hear, just think that you are standing in a crowded alley and noisy people ( people you don’t know) are talking to each other. Or plug earphones and listen to your favorite tunes....Whenever their negative thoughts coming in the mind , just deviate your mind with happy thoughts ...and be busy with something else ..I know since you are living with Mil,it can be difficult...but you will reach there...
     
    SCA and drdiva like this.
  3. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    Rant away here... ILs will bash her virtually for you...

    Your Husband is right, IGNORE.
    Or ACT as if you IGNORE!
    Think of them in your mind as "Ex" - they are no longer a part of your heart or your family!
    Dont look at the statuses if they disturb you. Or put calming and mature statuses for yourself - so that your co-sis thinks she can never touch you or your feelings....

    Also, if they directly taunt you with their "sweet relationship", have a mature response INDIRECTLY on the lines of "why dont you spend some time together" - practice this in front of the mirror.

    They are looking for a reaction from you. Why do you want to give it to them...

    Keep your end of duties/responsibilities but keep your heart safe. Royally ignore and dont do anything extra for them.

    Family is family - they are the ones we share history with. Let your DH keep his pride/dignity
    In future, you both should not be ashamed of any stupid action.
     
    drdiva likes this.
  4. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    - Change your focus! Yes, you really need to search/create a portion of life which does not have MiL, BIL and co-sis in it and change your focus to that part of your life.

    Connecting with your family of origin, your friends, your hobbies, your passions .. anything and however small that is .. just create it and shift your focus to that.

    - Your MIL is a bully. She doesn’t love your Co-sis. She is just using her to hurt you and torture you emotionally. Don’t allow her to achieve what she wants by reacting negatively or roaming around with a sad face. Make your effort to be happy and totally be oblivious of her attempts to gain your attention and hurt you.

    - At a distance, mountains always appear smooth. But up close they are dangerous and rough. So, basically your MIL lacks the idea of how her life would be living with your co-sis. Let her “assume” that her other DIL is wonderful and worth craving for a weekend chat.

    Don’t let that affect your confidence and self esteem. You know how ugly things can turn between them if they start living under one roof.

    - Talk to your H on how it’s important for everyone involved, to share the responsibilities of his mom. Let him know why it is necessary that both the sons will share the responsibility to care for her. Insist it happens. Anyways, she loves them and craves to connect to them. So, why not go live with them?

    - Don’t feel defeated and don't allow your mind to shut off from figuring out how you can escape these entanglements and experience the life around you. Don’t look through and operate from hurt. Step outside of hurt and look.

    You sure will have silver linings, positives, possibilities and opportunities to create the life you want. You just need to look for them, consciously choose them and act upon them.

    You deserve better and you owe that to yourself too.
     
    PurpleRoses likes this.
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Ignore your MIL. She is doing this behavior because she sees that it irritates you. If you deprive this interaction of oxygen then it will wither away and she will not find it as amusing anymore. Just try for a couple of weeks. When she makes her calls either you also go out with your kid or just keep yourself busy doing other work or even just sit in your room. Guaranteed there will be a change.
     
    KayKuyil and PurpleRoses like this.
  6. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    He is right. You like it or not, you have to mature yourself to learn to IGNORE.

    To be frank, I think you are giving too much importance to your MIL n co-sis than focussing on yourself and your family life.

    Lesson -1 : Never backbitch about MIL to co-sis even if she appears a sweetheart. Someday, when things go wrong, she might tell everything to MIL n act sweet n naive infront of her.

    Lesson -2 : MIL favouring co-sis is a fake story made by your MIL to make you feel jealous or insecure and she is clearly winning!

    Lesson - 3 : why bother to look into her status updates and assume its only directed to you? N if it even is, why let it bother? Mute her updates. As simple as that! Nothing more precious than peace of mind!

    Lesson - 4 : learn the tactics from your co-sis. She clearly is smart and knows how to make MIL to 'not-hate-her' :tonguecrazy:
     
    shravs3, SCA and MalStrom like this.
  7. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    @deepthyanoop Thank you for those kind words. I have been doing the same all these. To the extent that I used to be as if ILs arent there around. But recent times I saw how MIL was trying to please them so much especially Cosis.
    She literally keeps topics ready to discuss with them. If BIL says she is busy she would request him to call her and then update her. She gives information to her which I am not aware of. If for some reason Cosis doesnt take her call, she would make sure that she would update her somehow or the other.
    I know all these can be ignored, but she speaks in a very rude tone at home. Even to DH for that matter. She suspects and questions us in each and everything. If H calls her to check if they want snacks to be packed she would ask if we are buying from a Non-Veg eatery (strict veggies we are) which we never do.
    But her tone itself changes to a more soft and respectable manner when she talks to them. This is what is pricking me now.
     
  8. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    @hrastro,
    I agree and trust me I was the same as you advised. Infact I ignored many of such quotes on whatsapp status, considering them as a cheap act. This went even to the extent of blaming my husband too through such quotes.
    I left it even then and I was on my own. It went on again and again.
    She mentioned as if I am an extremely hurt soul and hence I tend to hurt everyone around . This is where I lost it and I decided that one last time I would post a reply to this and then stop seeing their status. And this is what I did.
    I think this has irked them so much.
     
  9. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    @Metamorphic,
    Thank you for the advise.
    Yes I have told DH about this many times. He tends to agree with me, but may he is not sure how to go ahead about this.
    I slowly trying to come out of this ill feeling. Anyways very soon I will be getting back to my workplace and definitely I helps me to a greater extent
     
  10. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    @MalStrom,
    Most of the day I remain in my room and will be busy with my dd and office work. I come down only at cooking and dinner time and during this time she does this to me.
    I told DH the same that since it will be cooking and dinner time for us, there will be no way that I can get away from that place to avoid this drama.
     

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