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Avoiding Cousin Co-sis For Sreemantham

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Meet9, Jan 5, 2017.

  1. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all, my DH's cousin' wife is 10 years younger than me, I met her few years back, when she got married to husbands cousin, they stay 2 hrs from our home. she was nice initially but over a period of time, I found her behaving very princessly at my home..as in not helping in kitchen, coming out of guestroom only when her husband arrives, taking long showers and coming out only for eating..completely disregarding me..I tried to get engaged to her in activities in our community, like during summer when she stayed we used to go for local swimming pool, pot lucks etc..she behaved fine with my neighbor friends etc but with me she behaved differently. I remember she getting irritated when her friends with whom she was talking over skype, called me very cute..and her own SIL when she visited us, was very friendly with me...I am not sure maybe this was some teenage kind of jealousy.....when my DH saw to it that she is treating me like a crap, he started encouraging her to come out of room, watch TV and side- by side help me in kitchen...she used to do it in front of her husband but in his absence she wont come out...finally she stopped coming to our place.... we didnt care and remained cordial with her and DH cousin.

    There was an incident when my toddler was around 11 months, and my husband was very sick because of bronchitis/high fever, I had newly come from India , my toddler's all vaccinations were not complete, so my DH went to nearby clinic on his own, but the fever was still not coming down from 104...I was nervous and called DH cousin to come over and help, before his marriage, I was very good terms with DH cousin..so I had no hesitation in calling him over.. it was friday evening weekend...both cousin and co-sis came and cousin took my DH to ER...I expected them to stay over next day, which co-sis did reluctantly..next day as well my DH was not improved, so I requested them to stay one more day as I did not want to take my toddler to hospital ER (they generally are very cold freezing area with hours of wait time)....this is one thing I took their help and for this, I was to be good to them no matter what....next day while my DH was coughing his lungs out, DH cousin wanted biryani and movie to watch in our home, both were in front of TV..no one was ready to watch my toddler while I was cooking over time for everyone..next day, this cosis was very rudely telling him that they are going and that I have to manage on my own now...I took it lightly and maintaining my self respect I told them thanks and appreciated them... It was one mistake I think I did by taking their help...next few weeks, I made rounds of hospital and clinic and handling toddler, cooking home and taking care of DH all myself which made me so stronger and it gave me sense of self dependence...looking back, I thought I was foolish to request them to stay over one more day.. I still had good feelings for DH cousin..it was the wife who bothered me..

    When she became pregnant, I went there and did all the rituals for sreemantham etc, she did not behave well with me then also, like not greeting me, not smiling, basically insulting to me...but both DH and me being elder to them, behaved decently and made the environment very fun filled. My in laws are bit closer to their parents, so we dont want to spoil something over a silly arrogant girl. we conveyed her behaviour to my in laws ...they told us to get along and remain cordial...we invited them to come over at our place several times but they told since she is pregnant they cant drive....we offered them if they need any help let us know....but we saw them 5 or 6 times in Indian store, and they never mentioned coming this side, they did not want to come to our home, it was clear.

    the matter became a bit serious issue between DH and me, however, when her parents came for delivery. When her parents were here, they did 21-day ceremony, for that, they invited us over whatsapp 1 day before, it was set on a weekday evening, it was like "dont come"! we still went there with our toddler, and gave them gifts, blessings to newborn . There both my DH and me greeted her parents, her parents were super-arrogant and did not even say "hello" to my DH..it was so shocking to us...we introspected etc but nothing we have done that would even remotely hurt them.....

    again they did cradle ceremony, and all my DH's cousin does is write in whatsapp a day before to directly come to temple, I did not want to go this time, the relation had become so artificial and it was bad to get insults everytime we went, we still went as it was temple, we thought it would be OK to go there and attend and come back. Again her parents and herself ignored us as if we are some remote outsiders, the other friends were being treated like a family..this time DH cousin has joined their bandwagon..

    enough was enough and I decided to completely shut it off unless wishing on occasions...now that I am pregnant, I heard she wants to come over and do sreemantham ceremony for me..it is my second child, we are not doing any over the top ceremonies..but she wants to come and do the rituals...how can I diplomatically say NO? without making an issue out of it....

    my in-laws are not very supportive on this matter, they want to maintain good relations with everyone, the relation of DH and DH cousin is my MIL is elder sister to DH cousin's mom. I have my own issues with my In laws, I married intercaste, I am always like an outsider..and any of the other co-sis I have are all within same caste, so I am definitely not given the deserved respect and position as other girls/DILs are given in DH family....this may be one reason my In laws do not want to support me and DH on this issue...

    thanks for listening to my vent..sorry it had gone a lot longer than I expected...
     
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  2. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Just say you aren't planning on doing anything since it is your second child and go ahead with what you had originally decided.
     
    sindmani, anika987 and Meet9 like this.
  3. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Soulful, DH conveyed we aren't doing but they insist they want to give something..they dont seem to be getting any hint..now my DH is saying how can we say them "Dont come to our home"...I just dont want her to come make a big deal back in India and show how goody goody DIL she is when in fact all she has done is insulted us...she def would click lots of pics and send them back home..while when we visited their place, she made sure I dont get to click her pics...my DH is bit slow in these matters :(
     
  4. bravo1809

    bravo1809 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Meet9

    I feel for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I don't have any advice but feeling bad why she has to spoil your mood during this time. Do you have some good friends who can come over same day as her and take over? Or if you plan a baby shower with friends post pics and tell everyone it was a surprise so you didn't know abt it.
     
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  5. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    How much time is left out for baby shower? if it is couple of months, then dont fret over this issue. Just keep saying that let us think about it later and that you want to concentrate only on ur baby's health at this time.

    And, if you dont want any baby shower, then it means NO. Since u know her better now, dont bend backwards to look nice. But if you have the slightest of interest to have baby shower, suggest a western baby shower so that you can wear comfortable clothes, relax and to perform it outside the house and ask her to send out invites and all.
     
    sindmani and Meet9 like this.
  6. vanithaudt

    vanithaudt Silver IL'ite

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    You look like very matured person. You are handling it delicately. Say that you aren't planning for any thing. You need her support after the delivery. Ask her to cook and deliver food for your hubby (mention not for you) after the baby for couple of weeks. She won't call you from the next day onwards. Lol
     
  7. vanithaudt

    vanithaudt Silver IL'ite

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    If she aggrees to cook then you can forgive her xxx
     
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  8. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    loved your reply...actually its not that she wants to come for help, she wants to come over for maybe an evening and do customary haldi kumkum for 7th month...I dont want that because internally she treats me as crap..this drama she is doing for her in laws and making herself feel good in front of everyone....
     
    sindmani likes this.
  9. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all for the replies! I am trying to deflect this in best possible ways, if not, I will just come down for an hour sit there and let them do haldi kumkum..we actually are not doing any showers this time when my mom comes, she will come and do small ritual...why am i bothered for her to come over here is I am feeling pissed off with her artificiality....
     
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  10. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Tell your DH that you do not want any functions as its your second child,but they can visit if they wish
     
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