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Are We Completely Blameless?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by satchitananda, Sep 2, 2015.

  1. iyerviji

    iyerviji Finest Post Winner

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    My dear Satchi first of all congratulations for the worthy nomination. I did not have much problems with my mil because she was there only for two years. She was expert in cooking and had been very strict with her children both sons and daughters and had taught the son's also cooking. It seems when my husband was eight years old she gave ingredients to him to grind and later asked him what all ingredients did i giv eou to grind for which my husband told her whatever you gave I grinded for which she got angry with him and told him I am telling you to do that job though you have many sisters because tomorrow you must not be dependent on anyone and do cooking yourself when noone is there. That helped him to learn cooking and when he came to Mumbai and was with other friends , he only used to do the cooking as the others were younger to him. I also learnt cooking from him. only.

    My mil used to love my husband very much because he was born after five daughters though my brother in law was the eldest. So my husband used to tell me you both are like my two eyes and I love you both and cant differentiate between both of you. So I used to adjust with her and always saw her positive side. I was happy when the day she died she had the rasam which I had made .

    Before my son's marriage only we bought a house for my son first with my half of VRS and the balance he is paying through bank loan. So since my son and dil stay separately we dont have any problems. We could not stay together because we had only one room and kitchen and now a days everyone wants facilities and their own space. My daughter in law knows that I love my son very much, so she does not come between us and I also dont come in between them. Theother day she was appreciating about me to her servant, that being an educated and working woman she understands everything and has always kept me happy. What else I want.
     
  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    So good to read this Vijima! If only all mils could be like this, there would be less unhappiness all around.
     
    4 people like this.
  3. Poetlatha

    Poetlatha Platinum IL'ite

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    @satchitananda, AnandaMa, wow what a lovely and lively post. When I got married at first this idea carved so deeply in my mind be a good Dil, so I went by my two cents is this when we treat and value people as human beings without discriminating as PIL and Mil,( to respect, value, and give importance basically as elderly people)*, we will be able to make the best out of each and every situation. But both parties should also value to certain extent the same way. Ofcourse it depends on individual nature and situations, too. And always I wore their shoes and comprehended and acted accordingly.

    I followed this simple rule (*) i always treat my in laws with much respect, love and care. Fil a gem of a person. He is more like a father. I always treated my mil as I would my mother. I don't know whether she treated me like her daughter, for she has no daughter. But I think now she does.

    She is a very experienced Mil for I am her fifth Dil. But I have only one. There were times when things weren't very smooth with Mil. first 1-2 years very good. Secondly for few years rough time. Now very very concerned about my health and always gives tips for health issues. And loves me, shares all her worries, feelings, goes by my tips, opinions, and views with situations, etc., because she knows I go by the the above said values.

    Simple rule I follow is treat them as human beings and as I treat my parents. I don't do things for praise or pride but because I care. I am the 5th and youngest Dil. I do my best for them. And all BIL and co- sisters, know that, and agree to that and also my BIL's acknowledge it. I admire them for that, being generous in appreciation. my family is the only one that is out of the country. Though my BILs all individual family, I miss our joint family system, living with in laws, my father is happy that I am a good Dil. But he complains that I have forgotten them (my parents)and have become more like their daughter. Now that's a different story, haha!

    And I always see all the positives in my mil and appreciate and give credit. Very smart, sharp and intelligent, practical wisdom, good memory power,great reader, remembers people and all that she reads, great cook, shares recipes, shares medicinal/ home remedies, gives tips, every evening reads all her favorite slokas. Very methodical to her capacity, very administrative,etc. I don't see the negatives, I brush them aside.

    I actually dislike living abroad and away from my in laws. But I'm destined too, what to do? My DH is a very loving, caring and supportive person, he also supported me in times of tiff with mil. And he will give it straight whether it is my parents or his when things are not thought or done in the right way. I admire him for that, but I disapprove his idea in living here. But I don't have any choice.

    @joyoflife : wonderful fb dear enjoyed your post thoroughly, glad that you found your solution and style, being at peace and contentment. Hope your MiL understands you and enjoys your company and conversations.

    @Rihana : loved your feedback, awesome.

    @YellowMango : good one, I got carried away in my writing and forgot what I read but you had several valid points too!

    @iyerviji : very lovely fb VijiMa, you were a Good Dil to your Mil and now a good Mil to your Dil! After all in life we need to cherish true love and affection and what more do we need. Whether we live together or apart the cordial relationship is what that truly matters. God bless you and all your family members.

    All my friends parents and their in laws have become friends of me, I always try to justify each other's relationship and take good care when they visit here too. Mil and Dil issues should evolve into a compassionate and caring relationship.

    Please dont think I am boosting here about myself, but I would like to transform this bitter inlaws relationship into a beautiful, fun loving and cordial relationship. This is a universal problem, Americans can't handle one day of stay for any particular day or festivity, they will come up with long stories our country is better for we at least patched up and lived together for several years in our previous generations. I wonder whether here to the previous generations were better and only now it's a big issue.

    Good post, I would like to nominate but don't know how, please help! @jskls,@iyerviji
     
    2 people like this.
  4. suhasini22

    suhasini22 Bronze IL'ite

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    Nice thread satchi.I think when it comes to mil and dil problems,in some cases both parties are to be blamed and in some cases either of them .It all depends on how well the relationship starts. It is such a unique relationship ,we do not have any belongingness to start with,so it requires lot of time and patience to nurture the relation.

    In my case when I entered my husbands family , first week was full of rituals and lot of crowd,second week my mil started teaching me how to cook and she appeared to be friendly but soon she started to show her true attitude,she would be nice to me but cannot handle it if me and her son get any close,for instance she would not leave us alone even for a min,she would sit with us in our room and talk to my husband and not leave us, she cannot take it if my husband used to call me and say bye while leaving for work.
    She would go to any length to create a tiff between me and hubby,I used to get so scared.one day I fell ill and my husband took me to the doctor to which she created a big scene at home,that we had to come back without even going to the doctor.she would not like it if I talk to my mom on the phone. All this took a toll on my health and I was seriously ill and went down a lot.My fil would reason out my mil's behavior saying she is just feeling insecure,if she was so insecure seeing the newly wed getting close to each other,then how insecure am I supposed to feel? Iam a new comer in the family,iam trying to adjust with so many people around me especially a typical character like her,there are so many expectations on me as a dil. My fill would ask me to adjust saying that my mil is not so educated,but seriuosly does one need a university degree to be human to another women,does she need to be educated to understand that the newly wed dil,and son need some privacy.


    She would create a scene if I just stepped out of the house ,she would stalk on me for everything ,anything I do is a problem with her,I adjusted so much ,she would gossip about me to her relatives and even neighbours saying iam taking her son away from her,seriously then why the hell she got her son married? She made my life a living hell,she neither let me have a good start as a dil nor as a wife.she damaged my relationship with my husband even before it could have nurtured.I was so naive and young,I did not understand lot of her actions ,she would cry and pretend before Fil and my husband,both of them would ask me to adjust,silly me used to think what did I do,is it wrong to be close to my husband? Is it wrong to visit my mom?Or is it wrong to expect some kind of warmth from my hubby?

    I feel,the newly wed bride should be welcomed warmly and be given a chance to nurture the relationships around her,a mil should guide her as an experienced lady,she should be the pillar of support to the young lady who has left her loved ones and trying to build a new home.
    Had my Mil been a little considerate and understanding ,my marriage would have been a bliss,she did not let me have a good start,she would poke her nose in tiniest of the matters and blame me for everything,I adjusted a lot and even today iam still adjusting.I don't say a word against her,I do what ever she wishes,I never go in between her and her son,we have invested a lot in her name and I never bothered. It is all in her head,she has a preset feeling that the dil is going to snatch away her son. Had she tried to understand me or atleast had she given a chance for me to explain my stand ,all of us would have been much happier toady.
     
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  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Poetlatha, thanks so much for the feedback. Good to know that things worked out well for you, despite whatever hiccups in between. No one expects a perfect relationship, but if one can be comfortable enough in it without feeling suffocated, that should be good enough. :-D
     
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  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Suhasini, it is really difficult to be very nice to anyone who goes out of her way to make your life miserable. It is necessary to do everything that the other person wishes except occasionally if it does not hurt oneself. For ex. I would not want to change my way of dressing just because my ILs wish it, though if they wanted me to dress a particular way for one occasion, maybe it might not hurt me to do so.

    Yes, I have heard those dialogues to from the fil too - she is very egoistic, let go, adjust etc. Unreasonable, of course, only I wish I had known how to handle difficult situations without blowing my fuse.
     
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  7. sreeram

    sreeram IL Hall of Fame

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    @Satchitananda, thank u for the like.
     
  8. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    lucky you and very proud of you for doing the right thing
     
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  9. RamyaMusic

    RamyaMusic Silver IL'ite

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    I love my husband so much.. And when I think he has come from my PIL and is a very extension of them, I feel a great sense of respect for them.. That makes me think their POV.. Also I try to convey my opinion to them since beginning.. Now we have a great understanding with each other...
     
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  10. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Glad to know it has gone well for you, Ramya. :)
     

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