Are We Completely Blameless?

NaiveLady · Feb 8, 2019

NaiveLady said: ↑

I suppose this provides a good reason for those planning to get married to take time to know their future in-laws (for the benefit of the DIL and also MIL and PIL) for expectations to be set ahead of time so they know how things will be going forward and whether they can come to an agreeable compromise. That being said, I am willing to be that many of us on this forum (myself included) did not really know our in-laws prior to marriage (except perhaps via a few short phone conversations at most?) so we have to find ways to adjust and adapt/deal with them after the fact (while they are also trying to do the same with us). Putting myself in their shoes (especially my MIL, who although is a nice lady, is very traditional and orthodox and expects a lot of her way of living and practices/language to be followed), I can certainly see some shortcomings my parents-in-law see in me:

* Language Differences: I spent most of my life (from age 6 onwards) in US, which they already knew about before agreeing to their son marrying me; still, due to where I was raised there are some differences that are difficult to overcome - although I can speak our native language reasonably well (as others have noted) there are differences between my speaking/overall command of the language vs that of a native speaker who spent their whole childhood living in India and spoke it constantly. Initially, before we spoke, my MIL thought my parents had not taught my sister and I our native language, and she was not happy about that.

* Differences in Religious/Spiritual Outlook and Practices: I also grew up in a God-respecting family and believe in and offer prayers to the main Hindu deities I was taught about (which my in-laws also pray to), and was exposed to my religious and cultural roots in various ways thanks to my parents. However, I wasn't taught to believe in rituals/having to cook n items for each major religious ceremony, though we did participate in any major family functions as required. My MIL, on the other hand, believes strongly in rituals and looking for "auspicious days" according to the Lunar Calendar in relation to any major activity to be undertaken. Also, I don't feel comfortable with praying to any human being (even an enlightened/spiritually advanced one), and my family does not do this either although we all greatly respect my grandfather's deceased spiritual guru (Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa). However, my MIL has a family guru whom her whole family prays to; they expected me to offer my prayers to this guru when I was in India too, and I complied just to avoid an argument. Also, my MIL believes in avoiding any sort of religious/prayer activity altogether during our menses and we once got into an argument/disagreement due to that.

* No children even after 5 years of marriage; my husband and I didn't have stability in our jobs for a long time until very recently so we were focused primarily on that, but if we get a child one of these days, can cross this off the list.

* More independent streak/wanting of more privacy: my MIL has lived in a joint family (with her husband and in-laws right after marriage) and many of my husband's cousins also are in a joint family situation, but due to my US upbringing and our differing views on above, plus their not thinking their involvement in everything is a matter of personal space/privacy, this has been hard for them to adjust to.

* Sometimes voices my opinion when disagreeing with what they say/expect, though try not to.

Needless to say, it has not been easy when they came over and visit from India and stay for several months, but for the most part life is so busy that thankfully there isn't enough time to dwell on the not-so-good aspects.
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Also forgot to mention: Differences in Social Circles/Dynamics: due to having been in US most of my life, I have collected various friends not of our Indian background. After having met two such friends (one at a Hare Krishna temple and another with her Indian husband at their home), my MIL asked me if I have any friends of our (Tamilian) background. I guess she wasn't super comfortable with meeting those two friends. At a later point in time, when we had moved out to an area having no other Indians in our apartment complex, my in-laws did not have anyone to hang out/spend time with during the day when they came to visit us, and said so when talking with family over the phone. They (especially my MIL) are only comfortable interacting with other Indians, so that is another difference they see in me.

Sandyr46 · Jun 12, 2019

satchitananda said: ↑

As a continuation of Building Positivity in Married life Forum, let us talk about whether we are completely blameless when it comes to problems with our In-Laws.

It's generally speaking, not very hard to get on with one's own family of origin, simply because we have grown up with them around us. Does not mean that it is all smooth sailing. We see their limitations but tend to gloss over them. We might fight with our parents and siblings as much as we like or criticize them, but we are unable to take others criticism of them. Why? Simply because we love them unconditionally as they do us.

Come to relationships between ILs. What goes wrong? Obviously there are a lot of differences in family customs, amplified that much more if it is an inter-state, inter-religious, inter-cultural or inter-national marriage. Why is it we are not able to over come these differences?

The reasons that come to mind are:

Expectations of others

Our defenses are always up and we are quick to take offense at real or imaginary slights even if we could accept the same behaviour from our own parents/siblings without question.

No matter what our romanticized notions of marriage, the concept of 'them' and 'us' creeps in somewhere. Comparisons start - my parents vs my ILs, my husband/wife vs me, the way 'we' (my FOO) do things vs the way 'they' (ILs) do things.

All perfectly normal reasons. Happens to all of us. But do we ever put ourselves in the shoes of the other party and think what short comings they might find in us? What is our own contribution to that friction?

Looking at our own warts in the mirror could help us be more accepting of the other side and their foibles. A basic degree of acceptance and understanding could lead to a realistic, healthier relationship even if it is not all sugary and diabetically sweet.
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I just feel once married relationship the husband automatically takes a center stage in our life. Everything revolves around pleasing him and thats all with expectations. Obviously when you are investing so much in a relationship thats bound to happen. And that leads to neglecting 'you'.

Deviation is need of the hour - Every women should make herself her top priority. Get a little selfish. Work, get a hobby, and have interests and relationships with friends and family outside of the one with the husband. Once he recognizes that you’re independent, and you could leave if he continues to neglect you and ignore your needs tables will turn.

But here we are - I read posts on a daily basis about hubbies caring about their mothers more or loving them more than their wives and the dissappointment, heartaches, resentment n health isses that follow. And where does this end? Fine u get a divorce then what, you get lonely and marry again. Same old story once the honeymoon period fades off. Again there is a MIL n so on n so forth. Its a vicious circle ladies and ur just being dragged into it like a sinking mud pit.

So obsessed with fighting for attention, love and respect that you miss out on 'ur' life and before time u get worn off...look at the bigger picture. Life has so much more to offer. Its ur life, ur beautiful life, u live it once so y not just make the best out of it. Sending u all much love. Sandya

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Are We Completely Blameless?

NaiveLady Senior IL'ite

Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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