Any Advise.... To make my marriage work

bluebells · Apr 25, 2007

Hi everyone,Ours was an arranged marriage. A close relative had brought this proposal for me. The guy was working in Kuwait and had come down for a month or so. We met and it was left on us to decide if we were interested in marrying or not. We took down phone numbers, kept contact with each other. The contacts remained even after he left for Kuwait, through letters, emails and phones. I fell in love and was very excited to be getting married to a guy who met all my expectations. After a year he came down again and we were married, he left again for Kuwait leaving me with his parents. My in-laws were very loving and like parents to me. To them their daughter-in-laws were like their own daughters. They never wanted their daughter-in-laws to stay with them all their life, but to join their sons who were abroad and away from home. After four months I joined my hubby abroad. My hubby was staying with his elder brother n his wife. After I joined, we shifted to our own flat. Life was falling into place.But then things were not the same any more. Slowly it started dawning on me that my hubby was not as he had pictured himself to me when I met him. Its not that I wanted a hubby to have all my qualities but also not very different than what I had expected in a husband. He liked gambling n drinking. He moved about with friends while I was left alone home. He never introduced me to his friends and colleagues (I guess he felt ashamed to take me with him, maybe because I was darker (wheatish) and he quiet fair). He only enjoyed sex with me and that too as and when he wanted. I noticed that he spent lot of time at work, doing over time work too. But then he was not a womanizer either. There was no record of his money going out. He never allowed me to manage his money. I used to be dependant on him for everything as I didn’t know anyone or anything. Soon I was pregnant. I was very happy and deci_ed not to bother myself with all this and started preparing myself for the new one. I gave birth to a son, who looked exactly like his dad. My hubby was the most excited. But then it didnt change him. He was his usual self and life continued the same way. But then I was getting frustrated inside. I was a working woman back home but here I was just a homemaker and felt trapped inside my own house.Then I decided to change everything. I decided on working and told my hubby about it. He didn’t object. I left the child with the babysitter and took up a job. I became independent. I had my own money. I started then changing my appearance, went to good parlours got my hair done, did facial and everything to change myself completely. My face colour started brightening up. I felt different even from within. But then there was still no change in my hubby’s behaviour, he never took notice. He never helped me with my house work and life was just going on for me. Now it’s been 6 years of marriage and my child is 5 years old. He is going school and I have to see his studies, house work and my own office work. Sometime I feel as though my hubby doesn’t exist for me. I am living my own life and he, his own. There is like a cold war between us. I tried doing everything that I can, confronted him, argued and even fought. I tried changing myself and do things that would make him happy. When it didn’t work I tried the other way round, like doing things that made me happy and he angry. But nothing worked either.I have everything in life, a house, my job, a son and my own savings. I can go where I want, do what I like and enjoy myself as and how I need. But then I am not happy. y? I don’t have the love of my hubby. We don’t go anywhere as a family. Have a family life.What I want to know, is this the reason why women marry? Doesn’t men think that their wives are humans and need love and support? Sometime I ask myself, where is the person whom I knew and fell in love with? This person appears a stranger to me, but then I still love him and want him to love me in return.Can you advise after reading this, what could be the main problem in my marriage?Bluebells

sunkan · Apr 25, 2007

dear bluebells,
what a wonderful name u have chosen for an id here, first things first,
never ever under estimate about self, nice to know your going to parlours, taken a job and taking care of the kid and also looking after the home, i must say it s a feat these days to be all over the place.

I know what it feels to do everything on your own,after all a home is made by both, may be because he has been alone, for a long time thinks that is the way of life, or his parent's lifestyle may be the same..

Instead of a self pity attitude u need to work on it, either get his parents to write to him, which i dont beleive will help, the 1:1 talk is the best and if u can get some one like ur bhabhi or elder brother who are there, to help solve this problem..

Many men are under the impression that once the wife is home my home is fine, their contributions are something very important which they should had thought about before marrying, here it looks he is not even aware of it. he must had seen his friends ogling at other wive's which could had stopped him from taking u to his friends house...

now coming to the point of how to go about rectifying urself:

make it a point to take out your child and insist he join for a nice outing.
independance is fine, but let it not give him a feeling u care a damn for him..
so get some nice clothes, or shoes or a perfume for him inbetween to remind him how important he is to u.
whenever time permits like weekend make something nice especially for him, i have mentioned in many of my articles what it is to work for a relationship, for the simple reason i see many young people do not have the patience to work for it but want a ready made solution which is not happening anywhere.
try to analyse his likes and dislikes, that way u can look into the matter slowly.
do not think i am piling up responsibilities only on u, he also has to see this article if u can show him, very good.
A nice way would be to write a letter and leave it in his bag where by he gets to read it, many a time we breakdown and mislead the issue.
sex in this age is very important, and you need to take it in an appreciative manner, like if u dont enjoy it, then it is problem but other wise in this age this is a very bonding point of marriage, where both need each other to fulfill there desire. you must mellow slowly and adjust this in your mind.
I know once the baby comes the woman in u will say bye, but please ask her to stay for awhile, because our men need equal attention and once the baby comes they feel they will not be needed and so whats the point of worrying about her.. please work at this too,make it a point to be giving equal attention, i understand that ur son also needs u, infact they are equally demanding, but still one shoulder for the child and another for ur hubby...hope been of help...regards sunkan

Pragmatic · Mar 1, 2009

Dear bluebells , I can understand ur situation very well coz i have been going thru the same in early stage of my marriage...and hate to say that my husband too is happy in his own world ...for him wife is just like a piece of furniture at home.Its painful when u see happy couples around...
Sad but mine is a love marriage where love no more exists or I may say it exists as and when my husband wants...If he is interested he will give me a hug, will be all smiles and if he isnt he gives a damn to my existence...His eyes are only on tv or laptop...He has been a good provider but not a good lover
I also left my job after marriage and moved to US with him..As he doesnt have any time for me ..I feel lonesome and rejected in this place..with no frnds no relatives no one to talk...I feel depressed..
We dont converse and smile together like other couples ...It hurts me more cos he wooed me for 4 years...He convinced me to marry him with all his good gestures/deeds and after marriage he pay me no heeds..
I feel left alone. tried to make him understand what I feel both by requesting and demanding but it did not made him any better...
He loves living by his own...may be he is use to of living alone but don't these guys understand that marriage is all abt sharing, caring and togetherness..He is still happy nd busy living his life like a bachelor and remembers me as and when he needs me...for sex or for food ..I feel so crappy . I was a independent , smart working women earlier and now i am just his damn wife. I hate my life and my husband who was my lover once...its sad but true...
Not sure how to build my castle again and how to stay at peace
how should i make my marriage work

infinitehopes · Mar 1, 2009

Dear Bluebells,
I feel at times we need to hit - where it hurts most. (please don't take it literally.. its just an analogy..) This can be anything - small or big.

So letting everything else just happen normally will not bring in any change.

E.g. Once a guy gets married - he gets used to certain things done by wife. simple things like getting his clothes ready, keeping them ironed, keeping the b'fast ready, packing lunches, making nice dinner, keeping fruits ready for munching, making snacks.. all these small things. They don't realize they are getting used to it.

So try to keep some work aside - for them. Remind them its pending and they have to do it. Like shopping for grossary. You will feel the pinch too if he doesn't do it. But it may happen couple of times then third time he may realize you really mean that "he has to do it".. I feel they are just not aware that they need to do things for day-to-day life. They assume its all being taken care off.

Second option is not to take care of his clothes. Let him manage it. At least that won't hurt your kid's tummy.. So find out such things, which he is used to you doing and then make him aware for from next month onwards its his duty to do it - because you just can't manage it.

Slowly, you can try to involve him in household things and may be he will do it.. Then gradually have u'r son accompany him to grossary store or just leave your son with him - without any preparation like food or anything. let him handle it.

My DH wasn't used to doing household stuff.. but slowly I just stopped doing certain things. Then he started realizing. Its not that he was intentionally not doing things - but he just wasn't aware that he can do those things to help me.

Your case may need more time to work and you will need to fight for that - but just try and leave things - for him to take responsibility.

See if it works.

Laks09 · Mar 3, 2009

Hope/Pragmatic,
This is a very old post(dated back to April 2007).

L

Drpreethis · Mar 3, 2009

Dear IH / Laks ,

I guess Pragmatic gave life to this old post as she is going through a similar problem as Bluebells.. She is right according to the Guidelines of IL wherein a user could kickstart an older thread when her problem is similar to the same.. rather than starting a new thread.

I suggest everyone to note the date of the last post to the latest, read the latest person's post and start addressing the latter just in case she is seeking help.

Pragmatic,
I really do not have any suggestion to your trouble as I dont know how to shake up such insensitive men !! It is frustrating though !! Whatever I write could be just a console and not a solution.. However, my wishes and prayers are with you.

vandannav · Mar 3, 2009

hi pragmatic

why don't you plan vaccation,go to romantic places.there would be no laptops around for long time ,right.how about if your tv does not work for a day or two,what could your dh do.keep talking to him and make the conversation in a way where he needs to respond.

Study your husband -- Who does your husband talk to? Why does he talk to them? What does he get from them? By studying your husband's conversation habits, you might discover some things.

Also consider What are his interests? Try to learn more about those interests and talk to him about them. Remember, the goal here is to start a habit of conversation. So even if it doesn't go very deep, at least you're getting him to talk.

thanks
vandanna

saami99 · Mar 6, 2009

Hi,
Just jump into your past when you had conversations with him before marriage.Remember his ideas,thoughts or expectations about his life or family.His likes,dislikes anything which he shared with you.I think you don't have a long conversation talking about silly things .You got an idea about him before marriage.Just recollect everything.Just cuddle him when he returns from work,say gdmorning or nite.Give him a kiss on his forehead.This sounds like simple but it works.The warmth of a kiss on forehead gives signals to him that u care a lot & you are there when he needs you.The best way to impress a man is through his stomach.Prepare a nice dish which he likes a lot.Arrange a dinner especially for both of you.be sure that your child don't disturb you both.Take a shower together.Have a lot of foreplay before sex.Cuddle him after sex,hug together when you sleep every nite.Hugs and kisses help a lot to be together.I'm telling you all these from my own experiences.Try them.Waiting for ur delighted response.:thumbsup

roopadadia · Mar 6, 2009

Pragmatic,

Along with trying to make your marriage work, i would say try to engage yourself in some activities. Do look out for opportunities to work or keep yourself engaged, by doing some social work or enrolling in some classes.

In sometime the weather will also become good, so utilise the time to step out and make some friends, go to the library etc etc. If you keep yourself occupied, you will feel good and refreshed.

As far as your husband is concerned for sometime i would suggest you do your duty don't go out of the way to do anything to a point where you feel that now it has become a oneway traffic. Leave him alone...don't nag or harp too much.

It is difficult to change someone else but we can be that change.

Actions speak greater than words. Sometimes you have to meet out the same treatment to them.

all the best.

dilens mom · Mar 12, 2009

Hi dear,
from ur post u sounds like very calm and matured girl. i will give one idea
u said ur in laws are very nice ,try to call them in visit visa. if they come to stay with you, ur husbands activity may change. if the same continues means u can understand that he is unaware of his responsiblities. his activity changed in front of their parents means he is skipping his responsbilities. u can take steps according to his action
all the best.easy comes easy goes. we have to struggle for everything . so be patient.luv to your kid

bye for the moment.