Another drama

akruti9 · Sep 23, 2010

New problem.

A mail from my husband what should I do now? I slept early cause I was tired I don’t know that anything of this it happened yesterday night and now my Husband puts this mail to me. I Did not start any fught or thinking . I want to be peaceful

Yesterday night BIG fight. I asked them to leave today. They started telling me why you did not tell them that you will not be able to do the household chores. I told them I asked akruthi not to do anything at home because of last time miscarriage/hectic work. Also I said I want to do those things as I hate mom doing all those things. But after seeing mom’s reactions I stopped coming into the kitchen at all and even in the morning’s akruthi only is doing. Then Mom said she does not mind doing things but she expected you to say “MIL I don’t have any energy I can’t do stuff 100% please you only do it.”. Then discussion started escalated and it became ugly.

Again this is JUST an FYI for you. I told them this yesterday and I am telling you this today. Please don’t involve me into all this from today. For me these are all silly, meaningless, stupid talks. If mom dad has any problems then I told her go and talk to you and your parents not to me anymore. I tell you same thing. If you have problem with my family then discuss that with them only.I have no bank balance, I have no future. I don’t want to live like this forever. I can’t get into these fights day and night. If they yell on you then YELL BACK. If you have patience then keep quiet for couple of months. If you want to go to India and have kid your wish too. If you can’t take your inlaws talks then go to India/involve parents/bring police in it. Anything you do I don’t care. I asked them to get out of my life and don’t come back till you guys resolve this issue or just SHUTUP. I used exact same words. I have cut your parents your brother my cousins my relatives I can do them too and you too. Not sure what their plans are and how they will behave when I go home. I will not even try to resolve it. I have no energy to impress both parties. I KNOW I TRIED. If you don’t believe me like them then FINE. You are my wife and you should know I will support you no matter. I COVERED your stupid stuff. I make you happy with or without their knowledge. You want examples? They are my parents and they should know that I support them no matter what. But if both parties have doubts on me then I will not tolerate and I will not convince you guys.

See it is 5 yrs we are together and if you have doubts on me then it is shameful. In your heart you should know if I love you or not and also my parents should know how much I love them. If you guys have doubts on me I cannot help you people. I need both of you. I cannot choose. I feel like you are pushing me to choose and that will never happen from my side. So I leave this with you guys. YOU CHOOSE if you want me or not. Whenever I said we will split I said only because I don’t want you to suffer (not being able to be with your parents like all girls) and I don’t want my parents to suffer (not getting the respect they should get from other side). Yes you are right I failed to bring truce as both sides are rigid and not willing to solve it. I give up.

No more discussions on this. I will be normal with you and them you guys can react in any way you want.

Now you guys tell me what to do????

SriVidya75 · Sep 23, 2010

Re: New problem.

Might be time for you to SHUT UP and STOP bothering your husband about all teh things in your life, about inlaws, about your worries and anxities now!

He is as upset and as worried as you are! isnt it evident in his email to you/? why are you pushing him to a corner like this? why do you keep fighting or getting inlaws issues and EXPECT him to solve it? do anyone have control over others actions? NO.

I told you this before, I am telling you this again...if you push people to this extent, you will be the loser at the end...and finally you will end up even wondering whether this marriage is worth or not...

I would say just keep quiet, concentrate on other things, and as your hsuband said, STOP complaining and pointing out things about your inlaws. BE QUIET till they go back to India, if you dont like their words/actions then go to your room and sit quietly for sometime Practise ignoring. Dont get into fights and arguments and make your own life miserable.

You are a grownup and you are in the process of having a baby. So if you cant ignore and handle such silly stuff now, how do you expect to handle bigger challenges when kids are around?? time for you to take a step back and keep your mouth and brain shut for sometime. STOP Trying to resolve eeverything now. STOP trying to analyze everyones actions. STOP Trying to spoil your own marriage.

LAST but not LEAST... STOP Trying to CREATE Problems out of NOTHING. Even this thread title says..NEW PROBLEM.. and I dont see any problem in what your husband said. He sure is pissed off just like me....because you seem to be bent up on ensuring that he picks a fight with his parents, which he did, but he is not happy witht eh way things are going, and he doesnt have control over most of the things just like any other husband, and he is upset you are not understanding him. Why do you have to expect that he resolves all thsi at this time of your pregnancy??? Try to go to some yoga classes. join some hobby classes or else..make some new friends or find out who else is pregnant in yoru neighbourhood and spend time with them..this time you have to be happy, make new plans, think happy thoughts..rather than sit at home and make a issue out of everything you think and make mountain of a mole hill. wont help you in any way.

Priya16 · Sep 23, 2010

Re: New problem.

akruti,

Actually there no problem in it.You should be really happy having that kind of husband.
He had given clearly the choice.Don't bother him.If you think you can't manage your in-laws even for right now,take a flight and deliver the baby in India.Earlier you mentioned your husband wanted to have baby here.But now he had given you choice.Atleast you will get peace of mind and your baby is healthy.Don't worry that he would give you divorce.He is real good guy .
Think about this letter as positive and regain your strength.

Edit:Akruti,

You may need remove at end of the day your husband letter.Otherwise if he get googled and find this it will be embrassing to you.Once you get the replys may be you can edit.

SriVidya75 · Sep 23, 2010

Re: New problem.

Akruti

I am not trying to scare you, but remember that if you can keep quiet and STOP trying to fix things, you would have your husbands support for ever. Rather if you want him to throw out his parents and cut off all his ties with them, he will do that for you, but he sure wont be happy and he would resent you for ever for making him do that...which is what he is saying in his email.

Basically you already had some problems in pregnancy previously, now you are pregnant again!! Why cant you try to take care of YOURSELF first and tell everyone that you care a damn what they say or do now as you and your baby are the first priority for you. Even your husband would appreciate your attitude if it is this way...rather you started analyzing your FILs behaviour, SILs behaviour, her family, how she handles her parents, then got into how your husband supports his parents and not you, see all these thoughts not only spoil your brain, but also your health and mental status .

Try to visit the pregnancy forums, learn more, prepare yourself, eat well, sleep well this is what you need for now...nothing more !!

gjaya · Sep 23, 2010

Re: New problem.

SriVidya75 said: ↑

Akruti

I am not trying to scare you, but remember that if you can keep quiet and STOP trying to fix things, you would have your husbands support for ever. Rather if you want him to throw out his parents and cut off all his ties with them, he will do that for you, but he sure wont be happy and he would resent you for ever for making him do that...which is what he is saying in his email.

Basically you already had some problems in pregnancy previously, now you are pregnant again!! Why cant you try to take care of YOURSELF first and tell everyone that you care a damn what they say or do now as you and your baby are the first priority for you. Even your husband would appreciate your attitude if it is this way...rather you started analyzing your FILs behaviour, SILs behaviour, her family, how she handles her parents, then got into how your husband supports his parents and not you, see all these thoughts not only spoil your brain, but also your health and mental status .

Try to visit the pregnancy forums, learn more, prepare yourself, eat well, sleep well this is what you need for now...nothing more !!
Click to expand...

Akruti, SriVidya is right.......please re-read the above lines in Red. Gain some self confidence and show it.

rose8282 · Sep 23, 2010

Re: New problem.

Akruthi,are you working?I think I read your previous posts,however,I am not sure if I remember.I agree with Srividya...this is not a new problem at all.Cant you see that husband is torn between the both of you...when he has more problems to think about.His words ''no bank balance,no future'' should give you enough indication that his worry and concern is for your future.To live in fear of not being able to provide security to family is a scary feeling.
To top it...you are taking your saas-bahu problems to him.Dont you feel you should support him instead of doing this childish stuff.Ignore your saas-bahu problems,STOP taking these problems to your hubby and deal with them yourself.
Write a mail back to your DH that you are sorry and will never ever bother him with your petty problems (not as in a taunt)....but genuinely.Give him some relief or else he will run away from all of you.

akruti9 · Sep 23, 2010

Re: New problem.

Priya and SRividya,

Thanks for your replies. The point I meant was I did not raise any fight here. They unnecessarily raise the topic. in the first trimester after doing job for 9 hours it is very obvious that a girl gets tired and what the hell is my MIL expecting me to ask her and tell her that I can't do any stuff? Isn't it implied now when I go home I have to go to them tell them this dialogue that MIl I don't have any energy you do it then MY MIL FIL will raise on me saying where was this dialogue for the past 10 days why you did not tell this before don't you have this minimum, courtesy don't you have any brains and things again start from your parents and all....for one hour then I have to say sorry and again everything so did you guys see the pattern I never raised any topic I never wanted to resolve everything in one day. IT is my inlaws they try to open up new thing every other day to discuss on it. I am sure they are now on phone with their daughters and everybody is cursing me that I made my DH to speak all this stuff

.

akruti9 · Sep 23, 2010

Re: New problem.

And the more stuppid stuff is iF MY brother would talk like this to my parents they would never ever bother him but my inalws are soemthing else. they like to come and torture us again and again.

Priya16 · Sep 23, 2010

Re: New problem.

Akruti,

For today don't say anything or infact for next couple days.But casually if something comes up,tell her that I really wanted to work but I am not unable to do so.I need your help.If they start something or some dramas,tell that your phone is rining or you need to go restroom and get out of the place.
Whatever you try for 10 days if still don't work,ask your husband is that ok you stay with some sharing appartment or anything.Because you tell him that you can avoid disagereements with them and you wanted to be peaceful.

For right now send him that ,myself failed to understand them and myself don't know how to hadle the situation.That's why I always look for your support.I can understand your frustation and myself frustated to the core,that's why I always look for my husband support.I try my best to deal with them and wanted to keep peaceful environement at home.If no may be we need to find some solution like me going to india for delivery or staying in some sharing appartment until they are here.

Again don't divert your mind on what your MIL talks to your SIL.Don't ever go there.I have a similar sister like you,she always wanted to see what other people are doiing.So first and formost stop thinking about your SIL.Two persons can't be same.You have your own life and you get your support from your paretns and she has her own life and she get her support from parents.So don't even go there.
Just deal your in-laws.
DON't BRING BROTHER'S ,SISTER's,BIL's,SIL's into your marraige equation.It's your marriage and it's different.

SriVidya75 · Sep 23, 2010

Re: New problem.

I dont UNDERSTAND. What is the big deal here? Why you have to drag your parents and brother into all this? what your parents say/react to what your brother says or does is NONE Of anyones business here.

Here the question is STOP BOTHERING your hsuband abotu his parents. PERIOD. Cant you understand this simple logic? If a man is sending such a mail that he is upset with teh way you are behaving, you are still STUCK to the point that if your brother this way...blah blah blah..crap!! I am just soooo irritated to even read your explanations as I understand now how women spoil their marriages.

BE AT PEACE! BE CALM. DONT MAKE inlaws a bigger priority in your life. You have another life growing inside you, which needs care and love. STOP Worrying over and fretting over something so much that it might harm your own self. DONT MAKE things complicated for yourself. divert your mind. Keep yourself busy with somethignelse

I DONT CARE what is going on with your inlaws now. what they say / do. how they react. ALL I WANT YOU TO DO is...IGNORE. MOVE ON!!! concentrate on yourself. CAN YOU DO THAT PLEASE and STOP this nagging behaviour?