angry with In-Laws

oaktree · Oct 24, 2007

dear all,
I m living in a joint family in india since my marriage four yrs back. i am a working woman with 9-7 timings. my il's family consists of hubby's grand mother, his parents, us and his unmarried younger brother. i am facing an issue which is troubling me and i m confused as well as angry about it. though my problem is not a big one as compared to what is reported on this board but please take out some of ur precious time to offer ur wise comments on it...
when i was newly married, i felt very tired doing washing-cooking, managing house in general after returning from office . i have a hectic work routine and had no earlier experience of doing housework. my hubby is very understanding and loves me. i asked him to request his parents to keep a full time house maid coz i felt overloaded with work (we were having a maid who used to clean the house n wash utensils). money was not an issue. when he asked them they (mil, gmil, fil) refused. mil said there is not much of housework,we dont need servants and maids steal things. gmil said that full time maid will murder her, where will she sleep? who will keep monitering her etc. fil kept mum. when i got into this family my mil was not working , after around one year from my marriage she opened her own cloth shop. seeing how i keep working all the time, hubby kept asking them for keeping a servant but mil refused now saying that she too has to go out of home everyday and it will be difficult to watch the servant. mind u she leaves at 12 noon, comes back at 2 for having lunch and then leaves at 5 after afternoon rest then comes back by 8,beside that she has a helper for her shop. both hubby n myself soon resigned from requesting them ,i became used to lots of housework n my busy routine.
i however adopted new behaviour,i took gr8 care of my hubby, took care of myself, did cooking for the family but stopped pampering the ils like i stopped serving them tea , making their fav soups, stopped maintaing their rooms etc. my fil is very fond of throwing parties, earlier i used to do lots of kitchen work on those days but after this i did the minimum required things.coz if i devoted myself fully to the never ending housework i would have become sick.
some months back it was decided that hubby n myself will be shifting to some other place due to his professional reasons.so we ll be breaking away fr this joint family setup n will stay seperately.since then, ils have been searching for servants !!! surprisingly gmil n fil are fully approving this n mil says we do need a maid as there is lots of work n she feel exhausted. n few days back they did get one ! i m shocked , i feel this is so selfish ! when we asked they refused n now that we r going away everybody wants a servant n they r giving there own reasons to support it. no doubt that since the maid has arrived ,everybody's workload has reduced but this is injustice. my hubby feels the same that his parents did a wrong thing but hez not openly angry with them. but i am. i have stopped talking to them n only if required then i talk to them.mil has asked hubby if keeping a maid has angered me, to which he replied , yes shez angry n i am also angry coz u all didnt listen to us and now u have kept a maid coz u like doing that.
right now i am so full of hatred towards my ils, i see them as selfish ppl. there is no chance of bil's marriage for the coming 2-3 years n when i ll be gone , mil n gmil wont be able to manage the house, so they decided to keep maid when i m still staying with them otherwise in future ppl would have said bad things like the moment dil left these ppl hired maid for their comfort n didnt think abt dil when she was with them.
right now they all are acting as if nothing out of the way has happened but i m feeling betrayed so much that i wish to end relationship with these ppl n would not like the idea of them visiting us in our new home.
i keep consoling myself that there is divine justice n its not up to me to punish them. i have never had a happy relationship with ils since my marriage and with this episode true that i have lost my peace of mind. we were staying together just for the sake of it.they were always full of complains for me n i never liked them.
there are so many wise ppl on this board. please advice me how should i behave in this situation.

regards,
riya

Eljaype · Oct 24, 2007

Re: angry with ils

Dear Riya,

What you feel is absolutely right, Dear. But then , you see they are old, when you yourself could n't manage household work with your career, how could your MIL and G MIL do? They are old for that. Atleast now they realise that you have been doing everything, which they by themselves cannot do.

Atleast you should be very happy that you got support from your loving husband. He fought for your sake, even if you both lost the case. He is with you. clap

There are many selfish people in this world. They'll think only about themselves and their sufferings. When they have a work to be completed, they'll come after you till it gets done, after that ... everything forgotten, what you did and what they did etc.

If you keep brooding like this, it'll hurt you very much later. So please do forgive them. You can. Do not try to return things in the same way. Anyway, your dear husband has let his parents know what they did was wrong. Comments from their son will hurt them more, than the comments you can give. So forget and forgive. It is not easy but try to. It is for your own good.

You are going away after sometime. Be happy thinking of that.
Love
Latha :wave

Mallika29 · Oct 24, 2007

Re: angry with ils

Hi Riya ,

As Latha has mentioned , you've your husband to support you so I feel you shouldn't bother yourself so much about what happened earlier . Since you're away from them , enjoy your precious time with ur husband. Since he's so understanding and caring for you , you really don't have to worry about what they've done. Like I've said earlier , the attitude of the In-Laws should change and will change atleast in our generation hopefully. Atleast let us be good to our children , i mean including the dils . Take care and treat them normal even if they visit . Since ur hubby has already told them , that's enough. . You can even move rocks if your husband is supportive . If you're good when they visit , they'll understand what they did to u was wrong.

Enjoy life

Rgdrs,
Mallika

balamotwani · Oct 24, 2007

Re: angry with ils

Hi Dear,

I agree with everything they have replied for you.
Its true, if you have hubby support, you can move rocks. Please see to that you and your hubby are like this always. Do not worry about selfish people in this world. I know it is injustice, but still some family elders cannot change. They are old, they need support and helping hand, so no wrong in keeping a maid now even though they know in their heart the injustice they did to u. Atleast they correctly guessed when ur hubby stopped talking. So dont worry now, you are living seperatly and now you should act normal to your inlaws, bcos this will increase your hubby's luv towards you.

Whatever happens, happens for good. See due to this injustice behavior, now your hubby has learnt about his parents and you also have seen the other face of your inlaws and your hubby's afection towards you by not talking to his own parents.

So just be cool, forgive and forget, just relax, the more you think, the more you feel hurt.

Bala

sunkan · Oct 24, 2007

Re: angry with ils

dear oaktree,
what a title for your article, my god! i thought you are angry with all of us here and wondered what have we done to get this ire...on a lighter note, i know these problems exist anywhere and there are many ladies who share their grievances here and will help u out..sunkan

balamotwani · Oct 24, 2007

Re: angry with ils

Dear Sunkan,

Even i also thought the same way like you and first i saw the no. of post of oaktree so i thought may be she is angry bcos she knew about this Indus ladies forum only now, after reading i got her prob.

Sometime i also get confused so i think it is better to write Ilites for Indus ladies and IL's for inlaws.

Bala

maha · Oct 24, 2007

Re: angry with ils

Hi,

remember we refer to indusladies as only IL and ILites and not as il or ilites, so no confusions with oaktree..

Eljaype · Oct 24, 2007

Re: angry with ils

Dear Sundari,

I also made the same mistake. That's why I read the query first. As Maha said I should have guessed that she meant only In Laws, we always mention ILites here.

Love
Latha :wave

priyauc · Oct 24, 2007

Dear Riya,
I agree with you for being angry but as pointed out by others see the positive side of it. At least because of this your husband has shown his love for you. He has openly shown his reentment for his parents injustice. You have seen his support which is most important. Since he has spoken and told your inlaws about their injustice you need not speak about it. Just spend the time you have wih them in a respectful manner. Give them the due respect for what they are, and your husband will respect ypu for that. After all they are his parents and you cannot severe ties with them can you?? my dear i know your predicament is a grave one but be rest assured that many women go through the same and worse situations and still live with their inlaws as they dont have husbands support or their husbands are not strong enough to stand up for themselves. So be respectful to them and with time they will feel guilty with what wrong they have done to you. Overall dont let other people make you waste your energy in thinking all these things and having negative emotions. Utilise the same energy in a positive way and make your husband a happier man... which will be more important to you.Show your inlaws that you have a good upbringing by treating them well when they visit you.... they will surely feel guilty then, Now you are angry and may disagree with me, but think if your parents did some wrong to you would you keep the resentment in your heart for long??

Blondie · Oct 24, 2007

Dear Riya,

as all others have said do not keep a grudge against your in-laws. You would be justified in being angry if they had a full time live in maid before your marraige and let the maid go part time after you were married and now that you are leaving the house they are rehiring house maids full time live in. It has been four years since your marraige and they have grown four years older now. In this four years did you not get help even minimal amount from your mother in law and g-m-in-law?? How ever angry you are not treating them well in your home is a bit extreme and reflects badly on your charecter. Treat these past four years as training ground since you your self have said that you "had no earlier experience of doing housework".