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Anger Management In a Married Life !!!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Meeta, Jun 15, 2007.

  1. Meeta

    Meeta Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Guys !!!!!!
    I have this genuine problem. I am very short tempered girl and usually get hurt easily. I was like that since my childhood but never faced problems in parental home. My mom always used to advice me that I should not behave like this, but all in vein. I also felt bad about my behavior after some days and always promise myself not to repeat this but...........
    I used to remain silent all through those days when I became angry:evil: and it goes upto 2-4 days like that followed by a big outburst of crying/breaking some things and I will be fine thereafter.
    This same continues even after my marriage. Mine is a love marriage, no problems from any side, also we both are financially well but the problem lies in small/petty things which has no relevance in a life. I usually get angry with my husband if he will not do something I asked him to do, and this is enough to boost my anger. I have heard from my friends that their husband do this and that to show their love to their wives and I feel thats important also. I know my husband loves me but what's wrong if he shows a bit of that to me. I feel doing a little show-off is all OK if you are honestand in love truely.
    Even this is same for his parents, they will never show that they care for me. When I will say this to my husband, he will say that they love me but they can't do all the NATAK as my family does.
    Can anyone please tell me what's wrong in shoing somebody that you care/love them, you don't have to do anything physically but why this much misery with verbal expressions. And the funny thing is that when my anger will be in peak, my Hubby will then do all the pampering and cuddling, but why can't he do it before when I am also in a reciprocative mood.
    Are this is same everywhere.
    BTW, my husband is a very nice genuine person and has nothing like men ego, always helped me in cooking/doing all household chores etc, buying things for me if I will ask, now you understand my problem. I got things from my family as surprise but here there is no surprise at all. If I will say this to my husband, he will become defensive and it really hurts me.
    I am confused and sick.
    thank you to all those who can advice about this habit of mine !!!!!!!!!
     
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hmm.. Well thats honest post.I must say.. You may be short tempered, But you seem quite brave and comfortable in your skin to accept your flaws.. Most of us lack that quality.
    Now coming back to your points.. You have genuine questions..Let me see if can answer it.. I will try with my wisdom. I am sure other wise ILites will do better job at it..

    1. Controlling anger.. There are various ways to do that. First and foremost I think Yoga's breathing Asans will help you a lot in handling anger.. It's all in Mind. Mostly such frivolous anger is result of mind not being occupied enough in right things. Its very important in marriage not to explciitly change a person and accept them 'as is' for the major part. So I would say If your husband doesn't do something you have asked him to do.. Just leave it there.. If you have energy and will to complete it.. Just do it.. instead of fuming inside.. It will change your perspective.
    I personally try this for myself a lot.. Once in whole day.. go for jog or a run for atleast 10 min.. In a quiet and green area.. just run and you will realise.. You will get addicted to it.. To me, it helps to clear my mind and its toughts.. I feel they get recylcled when i breath fresh air.. Release myself from my working shoew, household shoes..wife shoes.. I just be me.. That really helps me to connect to myself.. Most of us live major part of our life disconnected with ourself. Thats where we do same mistake again and again in our daily life..
    Also try the retrospect trick , I try everyday... I have read in some mind traning book.. It says.. Everyday in night just before sleeping summarise ur day in ur mind for 5 mind.. just recall major things in day.. and think how differently you would like to do with in retrospect.. Try this for three months.. You will be much different person than you are today.

    2. Showing off affection or not is purely a way family chooses to live. I dont think you should try to force it other way... However you do have strong influence in teaching ur husband ur way of affection display.. I personally did it to my husband.. He belongs to a family where they dont talk much to each other.. and they rarely cracked jokes inthe family.. my family was quite different.. I continued my own prefeerred way with all of them.. with out expecting that they will change suddenly for me.. In 3 years of marriage.. I see my husband has got addicted to my ways.. Even my in-laws and sis-in-law seems to have adopted most of humourous ways...
    Say I would say,.. continue to do what you prefer without expecting a sudden chaneg in people.. Without suggesting them they are wrong.. It usually make people go defensive and stick with their habbits. Just accept them as is.. and slowly show them ur way...
    Force is never a way to teach anything to anybody.. Only with love and acceptance u can teach anything to anybody..
    I hope this does gives you some points..
    Cheers
    Ria
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2007
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  3. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    hi Meeta,
    whatever Ria suggested u is correct, but i will tell u so honestly u have amitted ur fault and reason for the problem so i don't think u can'y control ur anger. u try a bit that u don't want to get angry always u have to live happily u will automatically control urself, u have good power for ur behaviour analysis. Meeta if u try u can control and u must try, husband's they wil care for anger few days, they will pamper u and try to feel better but if u make it a habit noone cares after few days saying its her routine work. Don't worry about ur in-laws at least they don't create problem for u, many people are like that don't want to show affection even though they like u very much. If u stop complaining ur husband and control ur anger towards him, he will stop using natak like words which is really hurting, he will understand ur family values. Try u can do it, take it lightly here everything is in ur hands.

    padma
     
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  4. geeta79

    geeta79 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Meeta,

    Im Geeta here. I think we both have the same kind of personalities. Im also exactly like u, short tempered, and i also get hurt very easily. Mine is also a love marriage. Since i and my husband did not get much time before our marriage to know each others nature, i had a bit of problems after marriage. Even i used to get angry wen my hubby wouldnt do something that i have told him to. My hubby is also the same like u, he wont express his feelings in front of anyone. And this is wat hurts me the most, why husbands always have to show their affection only in the bedroom, why not in public. Im not saying that we have to be besharam in front of everyone, but simple things like holding hands can also make a lot of difference, isnt it? And my way of expressing my behaviour is the same like u. I remain silent for 2-3 days, dont talk with anyone and after some days i'll be ok. U r right that husbands should show their love to their wives, but as Ria said, we cannot change someone overnight, and most important of all, we shudnt expect much from anyone. Expectation is the thing which creates all problems. When we expect something from our loved ones, and it doesnt get fulfilled, that is wen resentment creeps into our minds about our loved ones. And wen this resentment keeps on building up, then it suddenly outbreaks one day. And this is the worst situation. So i would suggest u to follow Ria's advise. Just keep on doing things ur way without expecting anything from anyone, and automatically people around u will understand u. And ur husband who does not show his affection to u, dont worry u keep on showering ur love to him witout expecting from him. I know not expecting anything is difficult, but u will have to inculcate this habit slowly. I have also started to learn this. I dont expect much which doesnt bring resentments into my mind. And most of all, i try to forgive him for all the things about him which makes me upset. Try this and let me know how does it work for u?

    Relax and take care.:2thumbsup:

    Regards,
    Geeta.
     
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  5. ayeshanaaz

    ayeshanaaz Junior IL'ite

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    Dear Meeta,

    U yourself have answered your question.

    u say u get angry with your husband for "not doing the small things, WHICH HAVE NO RELAVANCE IN LIFE AT ALL". There you go, You mentioned it yourself that u fight with him for small things of no value at all. Then Y the fuss.

    My friend after reading your post, I felt you are so lucky enough to have a good hubby + in-laws. just go through some websites where in you can go through the voilence that our sisters all around the world are facing, from their in-laws & husbands. So next time u feel angry abt ur husband's ways, just think about other sisters who are in much serious situations of married life.Once you compare your situation with others , I am sure you will be thankfull to god for having such wonderful relationships in life.

    Please DONOT spoil the harmony & peace of your house by giving importance to all the irrelevant things in life. ANGER will only destroy your's and your families peace. Try not to be nagging wife or else u will end up losing ur the unshown love ur husband has for you. I must tell u meeta, All men are like that, they donot like to show off their love, just accept this. Y do u want to spoil ur harmony by this little weakness of him.

    I hope I have not lectured U.

    Bye
    Ayesha
     
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  6. alefiya

    alefiya New IL'ite

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    This is very good topic.. but I wonder why did you write Hi Guys!!! as we are girls and not guys:cry:
     
  7. Meeta

    Meeta Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi dear ILites,

    Thanks a lot for your analysis and suggestions for my problem.
    Dear Ria, what you have suggested is so true, I am even trying that, but I cann't probably change myself overnight, so I will really take a few more days to control my anger. Also, Padma and Geeta, thank you so much for your understanding and replies.
    Soory Yaar, for writing Guys, I hve this bad habit since my college career, anyways, I will change.
    Bye and take care all ILites.
    Meeta
     
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Lets celebrate being Married Woman

    I know its hard task being married woman in this fast paced world. Where everything changes, from career to economy to kids to trends to even the very person we married. What remains constant is, our belief that there is light at the end of tunnel. That God just cannt be unfair to us.
    I love this forum for its genuinity and for its chance to let us help each other.
    I just wanted to convey all the prefecting and striving wives that life is not all that bad. Wherever we are, we all have power to change our own perception, change our own destiny. From the childhood my parents taught all of us kids to be very strong mentally and emotionally.My dad always said, We were army kids. So we were supposed to be the tough ones. And I cannt thank my parents enough for inculcating those wonderful and helpful virtues in us.
    Like everyone, even I see day - to day trivial and not so trivial issues in my own marriage. But what has helped me evolve in last 3 years is:

    Never say die attitude
    My ability to forgive people
    Sense of humour
    and dreams.. Yeah Never allow anyone to crush , steal or mutilate dream.. "Never let anyone tell you, you cannt do something. People cannt do something; they will tell you, You cant do it.You gotta a dream, you gotta protect it. " (courtsey movie : Pursuit of happiness)

    With keeping humour in mind, I just wanted to share some nice husband wife jokes. Enjoy. And Cheer up. "For there will be only one life, Make the most of it"


    1) A man comes into a room and says to his wife.
    "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."
    The wife overjoyed that she has at last been included in her husband's activities says "Great does that mean I'm coming with you?"
    "No it just means I'm turning the heating off."
    2) Wife to policeman "Come quickly, my husband and I have been fighting for over an hour!"
    "Why didn't you call us earlier?"
    Wife "Upto one minute ago he was winning!"
    3) Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
    sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the
    initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
    In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and
    I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
    The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're
    married."
    "Why not," giggles the woman.
    "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
    4)A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from
    a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
    For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems
    with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
    year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
    On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
    "He said you're going to die," she replied.
    5) Husband asks , “Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
    It means-”Without Information Fighting Everytime”
    Wife replies,” No, It means- “With Idiot For Ever !!!”
    6) Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours?
    No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
    7) To a bachelor, wife means :
    Wonderful Instrument For Entertainment.
    After 10 years of marriage, definition changes to:
    Worry Invited For Ever.
    ~ Unknown
    8) “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A
    little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” ~ Henry Youngman
    9) Son to Dad : What is the difference between confidence and confidential.
    Dad to Son : You are my son, I’m confident. Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential !
    10)Husband : “When I’m gone, you’ll never find another man like me”.
    Wife :” What makes you think I’d want another man like you?”
    11)Teacher: u know the importance of period?
    Student : Yah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran
    away.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2007
  9. rakshak

    rakshak New IL'ite

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    Re: Lets celebrate being Married Woman

    Thats a nice post ria.
    I Enjoyed reading it :-D .
     
  10. Abha

    Abha Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Lets celebrate being Married Woman

    Ya a very good post Ria

    We should celebrate marriagehood every sec and every minute...
     

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