An open letter from a mother to her newly married daughter--part 2

My dear Nimmoo,
It was simply wonderful to listen to your voice yesterday, on the phone,when you rang us up and talked to us.This was the first time we spoke with you after you went to your in law’s place.I could not say more than,”hello” to you , for the first few seconds.My voice got choked and I was sobbing.Your father grabbed the phone from my hands and he also could say only “hello” to you and tears wee rolling down his cheeks.In the ten minutes of conversation with you, he would have asked you,”How are you?” fifteen times.That is a father being separated from his loving daughter for the first time.​

Dear Nimmoo,you said that your honeymoon trip to Kodaikanal was simply great.It was nice of our son in law to end the holidays with a trip to Tiruchendur.I felt very happy that you started your wedding life getting the blessings of Lord Muruga,your favourite deity.May Muruga bless you both with a golden future and wonderful children.​

Dear Nimmoo,in my previous letter I had mentioned about my friend, a golden hearted girl, who could not gel with her in laws,even though she was such a simple nice person,remember?Well, it so happened that I met her at the Kapaleeswarar temple the other day.We meet frequently and visit each other during navarathri times.My friend Sumathi is a grandmom today.She has a son and daughter,both of them married.My dear Nimmoo.today Sumathi has her own life to lead,but she feels very sad that her brothers in law, her sisters in law and her MIL(her FILis no more) do not care for her.They still have not included her in their closed circle of family members and do not invite her to any of the family functions.Her husband can’t do anything about it and h does not want to also.Very sad,no?But ,to a certain extent, Sumathi is responsible for the state of affairs in her life in this matter.​

Sumathi is from a well to do family.At the time of her marriage,her father was a leading auditor in the city and they were very rich,so to speak.They lived in a spacious bungalow in Kilpauk area.She had one brother who was a doctor.Sumathi’s father gave her in marriage to Raghu,a Chartered Accountant,knowing pretty well that he was the eldest son in a big family and had family responsibilities and that they were a middle class family.Sumathi’s father liked Raghu ,he felt that Raghu would definitely come up in life and he liked.He felt that his daughter would have many brothers and sisters to love her and to be loved by her.​

Sumathi was also a very simple girl.But she did not know how to talk.She would talk about her mother’s house and her father’s wealth in such a way that people were put off.​

When Sumathi and Raghu planned to go to a movie,she would say,”In my father’s house we always watch the new movies on the first day,first show only.Otherwise I would not see that film only.My father would make sure that his secretary got the first day,first show tickets for us”.Immediately Raghu’s face would fall and his siblings would exchange looks with each other.​

It was Sumathi and Raghu’s wedding anniversary, they had a grand lunch at home and in the evening, all the members got ready to go to the temple.Her father in law had arranged for special puja.When Sumathi saw her MIL ready to go the temple,she went near her and said,”Amma,why are you wearing this saree.You have been wearing this saree only for all occasions,come with me let me give you my new saree”Taking her MIL by her hand she went to her room.Though her MIL was a little irritated with her DIL, still she would have accepted the new saree which her DIL gave her.But Sumathi being Sumathi said something that spoilt the evning for the entire family.

She said to her MIL,”Amma if you like the saree,please tell me.I will tell my father to buy atleast half a dozen sarees like this and send them to us.He has very good taste in selecting clothes and he has money to spend also.”​

That’s all.Sumathi’s MIL’s face changed.She returned the saree, which her daughter gave her with great affection and told her,”Your father may be a rich man,But why should he buy sarees for me?My husband is a poor man.But the simple cotton sarees that he buys for me is what I cherish”So saying she left the room with tears in her eyes.The temple programme was cancelled by Raghu, who was very upset that his mother shed tears.But to this day Sumathi has not understood why her in laws were unhappy with her.​

You may ask me,”Amma,how did you know about the happenings in their house?”Sumathi herself told me all this and asked me,”Saro, what have I done?.Iam being nice to them,why are they upset with me?”

When I tried to tell her that they did not like her talking about her father’s house all the time,she said,”No saro,that is not the case.My in laws are jealous of me.Thats all and I don’t care”.​

My dear Nimmoo,when a girl marries into a family, her in laws do not love her for her riches.They want her to become a member of their family.They want her to become one among them, to enjoy their lifestyle and to take to their way of living.An intelligent girl understands this.She never brags about her father’s house and its comforts and her mother’s wealth and jewellery to her in laws, if she wants to set a right tone to her life in her in laws’ house.​

My dear Nimmoo,I also committed some blunders when I was a new bride and I corrected myself in time.​

You know that I am a vocalist in carnatic music.I learnt carnatic music for nearly twelve years.My father was a lover of carnatic music.The music teacher would come home every alternate day and my father would sit in the hall when he taught me.My father was very particular that I pracised music every day.In the evenings after lighting the lamp in the puja room, I would sit in the hall and sing the new songs that the master had taught me.My father would come and sit next to me and nod his head,give his approval wherever necessary.My mother would leave whatever she was doing and would come and sit next to my father.After my singing sessions, my father would pat my head and say proudly that I would become a well known singer very soon.My heart would swell wih pride.​

Well I went to my in law’s house.I knew that my FIL was fond of music.Infact I remembered him asking me to sing a keerthanai, when they came to see me for alliance.So a few days after my entering their house on an evening, I lit the lamp in the puja room and came and sat in the hall with my thamboor and began to sing.I put my heart and soul in my singing. Half an hour would have sped by.I found that nobody had bothered to come and sit by my side, to enjoy the music.My father in law went for his walk,my MIL sat in the thinnai as was her custom in teh evenings and was soon surrounded by mamis of her age group.Your father went to the club to play tennis.My sister in law Prema was sitting in her room reading a film magazine.I was heart broken .I had expected my in laws to come and sit in the hall,listen to my music and I was ready for accolades from them,particularly my FIL. But alas,my singing did not have any impact on anyone in the house.I was almost in tears.​

That night I wept in front of your father in the privacy of our room.​

“No one cared to listen to my music,my singing,atleast you could have stayed back and you could have given me the moral support you know.”​

Your father pinched my cheek and said,”My dear Saro,your loving smile gives me more pleasure than any music”and he said,”Saro,Iam not into carnatic music. Please don’t expect me to sit with a dumb expression in front of you.thats like insulting you and music.”.​

I was very sad,Nimmoo.I just wanted to go to my mother’s house immediately for a couple of days atleast, for a change.Luckily my father who had come to srirangam on some personal work, came to our house.After the initial pleasantries and lunch were over, my father took the permission of my parents in law and took me to Ranganatha temple.He looked at my face and had guessed that something was wrong.​

“What is the matter,Saro?You are not looking well,is everything alright?”he asked me.​

Even though ,I was waiting to tell him about what had happened when I sat in the hall and sang,how nobody bothered to even throw a glane in my direction ,I evaded my father’s questions and tried to change the subject.But my father insisted on knowing what had happned,thank God ,he did.​

“Appa,Iam very sad.These people don’t want to listen o my music,then why did my FIL ask me to sing, when they came to our house to see me?They insult me vey badly,appa.”I almost cried.​

Appa made me sit in one of the praharams and began to talk to me in a calm manner.​

“Saro,when you were in our house, that is when you were in your mother’s house,you were the apple of our eye.All our dreams were centering round you.We were constantly planning about your future and dreaming about what kind of family we should look for you,what type of bridegroom we should see for you etc.​

We were spending all our energy and money on you,to see that you were qualified and were not wasting time.But now you are not a petted and pampered daughter in your mother’s house.You are the daughter in law of a big family.You are like a mother to your brother in law and sister in law.The time for you to bask in the praises of others are more or less over.Now is your time to give back what you got from your parents.​

Instead of regretting that nobody is praising you for your talents,why don’t you focus your attention on your sister in law?Your FIL told me that she paints well.Encourage her,see that she blossoms into a good painter,be happy in her achievements.When you sing, you should do that for your pleasure,don’t expect adulations for that.If you have expectations, you will have only disappointments.”


Appa got up,so did I.We walked back silently to our house.Before entering the house,my father told me,”Saro,be patient.What ever is your due, will come to you,if not now, may be after many years.It takes years to get a good name.But if you keep a frowning face even for a day, all your efforts to build good relations with your in laws will be washed away.Be careful,be kind,be patient”said my father.​

That night I slept very well.All my anxieties and my disappointments had taken leave of me.I concentrated on Prema athai,got her admitted in a good painting course.She did very well.I helped her develop her talent.I went out of the way to encourage her.My parents in law were very happy.​

I continued with my singing sessions in the evenings, but I did not expect anyone to sit by my side and praise me.My father in law engaged a music teacher for me to come home and teach me advanced music lessons.I was thrilled.He got me chances to give performances or kutchri as we used to call it, in the local temple festivals.My cup of happiness was full.​

The most wonderful thing that happened in my married life was that ,my parents and my parents in law became very good friends over a period of time.This was possible because your father and I took pains to see that we did not do or say anything that would hurt either my parents or my parents in law or cause misunderstanding between them.​

My dear Nimmoo,there is something else more important that I want to tell you.When you were only our daughter,your schedule was different.You used to come back from office ,have a cup of coffee and lock yourself in your room.You would be listening to music,talking to your friends on phone or watching TV that your father has kept in your room for your sake.Now your schedule has to change,I hope it has.Your in laws are well to do and you and your husband have a separate, well equipped room,no doubt.There is a cook to take care of the kitchen also.But that does not mean that you should keep yourself in your room.Now is the time for you to mingle with the other family members.Once you return from the office,have refreshments and then sit and talk to your MIL and FIL..Talk to your sisters in law.Plan the dinner menu,take care of making the dinner yourself whenever possible.Talk to every one cheerfully and courteously.​

Your entry as the daughter in law of the house and your pleasant nature should make a positive difference in everybody’s life at home.Then I will say that you have started your journey in the course of married life on the right path’
I hope I have not bored you my dear,what to do?Iam concerned about your welfare and happiness.​

Nimmoo,on a lighter note,your father made me very happy and gave me a pleasant surprise, just two months after our marriage,Did I tell you that?I was so happy that I almost wept with joy.Did he give me a diamond necklace?No.Did he get me an expensive saree?Oh.no,dear!Then what did he do that made me cry with happiness?I will tell you in my subsequent letter,my dear.​

Your father sends you his love.

Lots of love
Amma.​

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My dear aishu,
As always your fb gave me lot f enthu for writing and for life.iam happy you liked the post.
These are situations all women face in their day to day lives.A little bit of common sense and a little tolrance will help us be happy and make others happy.
lov
mithila kannan

 

My dear Ashwini,
Iam happy that you loved the post,my dear.Yes,patience does pay,wait.

Your fb has really lifted up my spirits.
love
mithila kannan