Am i wrong here.. Please Advice

Hi,

Belated Happy Birthday!!

Welcome to the world of Marriage. It is all about understanding each other and sharing, loving, caring.

My husband never gave me any gifts on birthdays or anniversary. infact he does not even remember anniversary date.
birthday it falls just 3 days after his birthday so he remembers not just mine but he does not remember any of his family member birthdays. from childhood he is not used to celebrating birthdays so i dont blame him.
in the starting i would celebrate his birthday, surprise gifts and stuff. still he does not give any gift on my birthday.. so i observed and taught let me make my birthday special i used to celebrate valentines day myself before. last year we celebrated my birthday and i made all the arrangements and he dressed up so well and made me happy with his love. he never minded that instead of his birthday last year we went out only on my birthday. infact he suggested that. he is completely ok with it. so that is how men are.. not all but few. this year his birthday is falling on sunday so may be we will celebrate on that day but still i will buy small cake on my birthday and celebrate it too

now tell me what all did you tell your husband in the fight that made him throw money on you? list down all those wordings and think if someone told you those wordings what would be your reaction..

keep smiling, you should behave like you are his queen of hearts. Ask him whatever you want and get it done. but with love. And do all things for him with love that is his payment.. dont say i gave him blackberry he should give me something. it is not matter of Rs1 or Rs10000 it is how you get things done from him with love

Good Luck!! never keep anything bad in heart after fights. talk out and stay happy.

Bye
Archana

 

Hi dear!
i don't think so problem is with you dear!
its a nature for everyone to expect some small token of love on birthday from lovable husband! that too on the first birthday after marriage will be a great expected one for both husband as well as wife!
you have fulfiled that but i think your husband would have been stuck out with a problem that he haven't revealed to you!
you must have a close supervision to your hubby and react according to his mentality!
if he had been in any problem its a nature to react as such!
so see whether he is pretty good in mentality to fulfil your expeactations and reveal your expectations dear!
surely your married life will be happy!

belated wishes for your birthday too!:thumbsup

 

Looks like you wanted your b'day to be special and wanted to be treated like a special one by your DH. But the way you expressed makes you sound like overly focussed on gifts. People are different. May be his family is not used to these things. Tell him you would like b'days to be special and leave the rest to him. how he will make you feel good on b'day is upto him. don't tell him give me gifts or throw parties definitely don't tell him i did so you do it too. Don't bother about others asking what your DH gave. You don't go fight with DH to make him give gift so you can brag about it with freinds. This relationship is way more important to let it be influenced by such things. If it makes you expect too much from DH celebrate his b'day too in a simple and special way.
These things get better over years of marriage as you both understand each other better. Don't worry.

 

The problem is with your husband, not you. Some guys forget birthdays, but usually not their wife's first birthday since marriage. And most normal, sane guys, once their mistake is pointed out, feel sheepish and apologetic... not throw money on their wife's face and shout at her. Sorry, but your husband acted like a real jerk. And money is shared between husband and wife on day to day basis.... so it is not really an appropriate gift for special occasions.

I bet your husband gifts his mom or sister stuff on their birthdays. That would not surprise me at all. I'm growing tired of Indian society day by day and it's lack luster treatment of women in the role of 'wife'. :bonk:bonk:bonk

When will SOME GUY'S learn how to behave with their wives? Same guys treat their school buddies like King's, their parent's like God's... yet their wives like strangers. It's really sad. I can only hope Ras, that your husband reflects on his earlier behavior and realizes how shabbily he treated you on your special day, and how poor his reaction was to your dissapointment that followed.

p.s. Ras, the same women who are saying 'gifts' are not important would be pissed off too if they were in your situation. But because they probably get gifts on their birthday, they have not felt the pinch like you do, and hence it's easy for them to act like this is no big deal. Gift doesn't have to be phone or jewellery or big ticket item. It could be a box of sweets and a card. I mean really, majority of the time, do we even remember the gift from years past? No. But I think, knowing that we were thought of stays with us for a long time. And if we can't even take time out from our schedules to make our spouses feel special on one freakin day of their life, then what is the point of marriage????? Marriage comes with responsibilities, and one of those responsibilities is not acting like a selfish jerk on your spouses birthday. Relationship my butt. Part of relationships is CARING about the other person's feelings. That didn't happen here. And you have full right to expect him to care about your feelings. You are his wife for God's sake.

 

OP, no you are not wrong on expecting gift from him , but if he did not give to fight that is wrong. You could have just waited and left it. No doubt you will be hurt because you expected he react the same way as you did on his birthday and since your marriage is so fairly new. It looks you are more emotional, romantic and he is not, correct me if I am wrong?

This is where problems in relationship starts where both need to make efforts to keep each other happy and feel good....It is terrible he threw money at you, he should have apologised in fact and asked you to come out and got you something.. Even if he was obsessed with some other problem earlier.

In this your expectations are not wrong.....Problem is with your DH attitude.

 

Yep .. 2 wrongs dont make a right ... him not giving anything was not right but maybe you could have communicated it better to him. don't worry with time both of you will learn to communicate better and things will be much smoother...

as for me... after 8 years of marriage ... I really can't remember what my DH gave me for my 1st birthday after marriage ... so I guess it's not that important a thing what was given in the long run!

 

I would say the first mistake is yours. When you anticipated that your husband is not that much of a gift giving type (like mine), why did u have such high hopes, I dont understand.

You know what I will do, tell DH that my birthday is in 3 days and I want a silk saree and gold necklace and take him with me and get it from the shop and make him pay it. And on my birthday I wear it and show EVERYBODY. So DH does not feel he didnt gift anything and I wont feel DH did not gift anything and I have my gift to brag to friends and family.

U were just TESTING your DH, dont do that. It will blow up right on your face. He is what he is. If you want a gift, ask him and get it. Know your audience. You cannot talk greek to an Indian man.

Second is ur DH's mistake, throwing money at ur face ???? seriously. He has to grow up, life is not a drama to make such dramatic gestures.He thinks he is in some movie.

 

Ras, It is ok to feel sad when your own husband didn't bother to gift you on your birthday.. But tell me, what's with shouting and throwing money.. Is that a decent behavior.. NO.. :spin

Generally, the reaction should have been like 'Ooops!! i'm sorry to not gift you.. Would you like me buy anything for you now'..
Throwing money, calling you money minded is insane.. A piece of advice - Return back his money and say that you are not money minded..

Now that you have got to know his nature, dont expect any gifts from him now on.. Be happy with what you have inorder to avoid fights in future..
I presume he is otherwise ok with you, so forgive and forget these things to keep peace at home..

btw Belated 'Happy Birthday'

 

Ras,

Belated Birthday Wishes!

To expect a gift.. might be natural. But to fight for it.. and ruin the day.. the peace.. it is just not worth it, Ras.

The fights will make him gift you the subsequent year.. but won't it be better if it were not any precautionary act to avoid similar fights but just out of love and own will?

A fight/demand would only instill that defensive motive in him.
It will be a deadly reminder. A compulsory response. Do you want that?!

Gifts are something that are given spontaneously.
If you ask for it or expect it, it looses its charm.

Some husbands/wives give gifts. Some don't.
But that is not the yard stick to measure their love and intimacy.
Some families may not have the gift giving practice at all. So he may not be aware of such doings.
So do not gauge your DH's love with whether he gifts you or not.

Now whats with that bragging or friends asking and you get upset?


You should have the clarity of your importance in his life and his love for you. Then no matter who brags to you about their gifts from their DHs, it will not affect you.. instead would only make you feel good to hear such positive notes.

So avoid comparing. DHs are UNIQUE. They are all special in their own ways.

Ever heard of the saying:
There is only one beautiful child in this whole world, and every mother has one.

Same way,
Just like how a child is beautiful to his mother, Her husband is the best to His wife.

I wish you had posted prior to your Birthday about your expectation on gifts and receive some nice pointers on how to react when you don't get one..

If I were you, I would have just let it go.
I had done it in the past. My DH has forgotten our Anniversary. And once I had forgotten our Anniversary. Both the times we laughed at it and blamed it on our project deadlines.
(FYI: We celeberate it every year, so it was unusual/alarming to forget. But neither of us charged the other. Just an apologetic hug.)

ASG: I differ from you on this note.

Let me admit:
My DH gifts me adequately. I feel happy and proud. Yes I brag.
But Let me also tell you this, if he does forget, I do take it easy.


And the proof is in a post on how my Mother's day this year went.
My DH till now has no clue that Mother's day passed by without his wishing. And honestly it did not bother me. Because I know how much he values me in his life and his dear son's life. A card and gift are not the ONLY token to show his love.

It is that clarity that you also need, Ras. Then you can be happy when you get a gift and be happy again when you don't get one.. because you already have the perennial gift - the understanding.

PS: Someone suggested to return the money back to him.. I would suggest you just leave the matter at that. Just let it go. I am sure he did not mean to throw the money at your face. It could have been some words or actions that provoked him.. just at a fit of rage.

Instead of running a part 2 to this fight, move on. Just my 2 cents.