Am I going in right direction??? Please Advice!!!

Dear Archana,

what for you have been waiting for? Don't trust him anymore. He is nothing to you. Don't be afraid. When he comes to you tomorrow to sign papers, don't be alone, ask your neighbour or any known person to be with you. Don't be ashamed. that idiot should be ashamed for what he has done to a beautiful girl. Here after, when ever you have to talk or see him to move papers, be always with somebody who knows you well.

My God... the amount of mental agony you are going thru'? ..having wealth and support from your parents....you could have drowned him in the ditch... you failed to do that.. he physically abused you??...horrible... I would have killed him...Don't leave him....do something...don't allow him to get married... NEVER AND EVER have mercy on him... You are still very young... In Europe only in 30s life starts... you can make wonders in life...don't worry... you have a blissful life ahead.

CanWait: I am really sorry for what you have gone thru'. You have done a good thing. Trust you are in safe hands now.

God....please help these two young buds to be in a good shape

My prayers with you both

 

Dear Archana,

Pls understand that ABUSE in any form is NOT AT ALL ACCEPTABLE. I was timid like you and in fact, didn't utter a single word at any time. Despite of all the abuse and torture i suffered, i kept on giving in to all the demands without questioning anyone just to keep marriage alive but alas, it could not last longer as it takes two to tango. Also, know that people who get into the habit of abusing others can't be changed. As my lawyer said, "you can't change stripes of a tiger". I feel sad for you but I am sure God has a plan for you that's why He is asking you to move on....

I have some cautions for you as I got over with my case recently. Pls realize that the road you are going to be on is not an easy one because emotional divorce takes much longer to end than one can think of. Grieving takes much longer than one can expect and emotionally it will be a roller coster ride. So pls prepare yourself and gather all the courage and supprt from your family. I suggest you to pick up couple of books on this topic so that you understand the process by yourself and be cautious during the whole process.

Also, pls do the lawyer shopping prior to picking one unless you know it clearly. Make a judgement based on your guts which one suits you more. Not every lawyer works for all individuals. Since this process takes longer than one can think of and you have to deal with your lawyer so it is important that you have trust on him to get the outcome you would like to have. Pls be incharge of your case.

Though easier said than done, try not to get emotional during the process and make decisions rationally.

Oh yes, collect all possible documents well in time. Be silent and just act. do not disclose your actions at any point.

Have faith in God. This is the only thing which works for me.I am just able to pull my emotional strings from the past and soemtimes, still unable to keep emotional strings tight enough and fall back from time to time to grieve on the end of relationship and tears starts to roll down. So, pray God to keep you strong throughout the process.

Hug for you.

 

Archana, you must count your blessings when you are in deep trouble. The first blessing is you don't have a child. It is easier to get him hooked. If your parents are in India and if your inlaws are in India, you can book them under the Domestic Violence Case. However, you need to engage a good lawyer.

The only thing that eats me up even today is my hardwork has not paid results to me but someone has got benefitted by moving up the ladder. Well, I simply convince myself saying I have a more ethical family that will stand by my side and a peaceful life now.

Like Samay, I too get hit hard by the emotions like the waxing and the waning of the moon. But I'm my best friend. When I'm sad, only my parents are sad but not others. This includes my siblings too. My siblings have their lives and they might feel sorry for me for a certain period but not beyond.

This is a persistent advice that I give to the abused women in this forum. When your parents are alive, walk-out of bad marriages and find another life.

Archana, it might take a year or 2 for you to come out of this entire mess. After that, find a person that will cherish you for the way you are. 8 years indeed is a long time to be in a horrible marriage. I lived with him only 1 1/2 years effectively. But when you are young, you will have capacity to bounce back soon.

The biggest asset you have today is your age. Take advantage of that.

I'm afraid I don't know the US family laws anyways divorce is dime-a- dozen these days.

 

CW

One thing I can tell you from my experience is...whether someone got what they deserve or not...only time would prove the point..Lot of times we think that the person who hurt us is living is a great life...but am sure we dont know the inner details there (they might be trying to put on a mask to show that they are happy with out you...)

Moreover...If he manipulated the situation and moved up the ladder..and am sure then there will be someone some day who will manipulate him and bring him down the ladder. Remember hardwork and effort always pays off...a person who cant put in these qualities into work, will get kicked out and will be on streets soon...then who will be there for him to get the right contacts:crazy(with you out of the picture)...

So just that with time we all know the truth and everyone learns their lessons...

 

Friend, you are his golden goose. He will try to keep you under his control psychologically. When you are psychologically under his control, he wins over every other facet of your life and your network.

First thing detach him psychologically. You are living with a room mate. My exs psychotic behavior came to limelight only when I moved the UK. He kept track of whatever I spoke to him before marriage, during honeymoon, over the phone and used to lash back at me.

When I cried it used to appease him. When I laughed it used to anger him The more troubles I had he was happy but he ensured he was trouble free. It just took me one day, I spoke to my manager at work and told I must get back to India at any cost. I was too clogged to talk to my manager. He asked me for the reason but I really did not want to tell him domestic violence, I simply told him the NHS in the UK doesn't give appointments the Gyns easily and I must rush to India for fertility treatment.

They put me over to the company Dr. I never lied to the company Dr. I told him the truth of whatever was happening. The good hearted Irish man was taken aback and just said hope is my best enemy. I left to India on his recomendation to the company and told my ex, I am going to India for Diwali. I landed here on Diwali never to return.

However, I did not file for divorce immediately because I had to regain myself again. When I landed here, I was lost. I did not know what was happening around me. I took a job first and got used to working culture again. I gained confidence and then filed for a divorce. There were several dramas staged by him. He fought with my parents, abused me and what not.

Today I have greater clarity of mind, I feel very confident and above all I know I can handle myself well. Sometimes distance will not solve the problem. Distance + mentally detatching oneself will do miracles.

First psychologically detach yourself, move to a differnt town. Don't take him with you. Move your coins from thereon. Ask your parents to move to the US until all your mess is cleared.

I created a strong case against his family. The sober lawyer that I engaged advised me to get rid of him and carry on with life. I had to literally drag him to the court; he even tried to jump out of the car. Even after divorce he contacted me to help him to get a job in the US. I just could not but abuse him.

Arachana, people like us know the value of relationships and life as such. There are several in this forum and some who come out with very trivial issues. I often think what would they do if they are exposed to this kind of trauma. Trust me Archana, there will be a day when you will be successful and you will lead people around you. Now and the the following days will be extremely tough for you. The tough days will begin with filing of divorce, getting it and then the post trauma of the bad memories returning to you in flashes. It will take a while to subside. When it susides you will emerge as new person. Until then you have to be strong, you must be bold and allow only your mind to work. The man may not give in easily and as you are his psychological victim, he will stage more drama. Never deter. Have your parents next to you and do everything collectively.

 

Dear Archana,

I really feel very bad for what you are going through. You are trying to come to the terms and lead life with him all these years and he is planning for a divorce!!! Why did you take so much time to take a decision? Our friend
"canwait" gave you the perfect advise based on her own experiences.
Be bold and go ahead. Don't spare him. All the best!!!:thumbsup