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Am I going in right direction??? Please Advice!!!

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by ArchanaP, Feb 25, 2010.

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  1. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Everybody,
    I have been visiting this forum since few days and going through the posts here. It’s amazing to see people sharing their thoughts, problems and have support and solutions.
    I need such advice and help too. I will try to keep my story as short as possible.
    Firstly, thank you all for your time to read my story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    This post How Men & Women Explain about their Decision of Divorce!! is making me write this, just to make sure on my decision. I was once completely against divorce. My argument was that the bad spouse would definitely realize one day and there is no need for divorce. But I am going through a similar phase in my life now and I need your valuable advice.
    I have been married for 8 years. When my Dad was looking for an alliance for me, I made it a point to him that I will not marry incase dowry was demanded. I live here and US and my husband was in India. At the time of marriage my ILs and spouse did not demand any dowry, but was told that they have some debts. They said if my father could give them 6 lakhs and they have a land that they would sell and that would clear everything. My husband is highly educated and we were told that he does not have any regular bad habits (like alcoholic, smoking or womanizer). So taking these things into consideration, my Dad thought if the guy was good enough to take care of me and capable enough to make a living he should go ahead with the alliance. He gave them 6 lakhs at the time of marriage and checked with my father-in-law that the debts were cleared. After my marriage I stayed there for a while and came back to US. My husband was very good to during my stay. After I came here, I received an email from him that one of my near and dear relatives hurt his mom and his mom is very upset. I told him if his mom doesn’t like them she can stay away from them and asked him to concentrate on his career. Then started all the trouble. He complains that I do not trust him and his mom……… and the regular saga……… I was told by my family that things will be alright when he comes to US to stay with me. Then he broke another news that his dad has about 40 lakhs of debts. My parents advised him to repay it when he starts earning. But I so blindly trusted him and as stupid as I am, he somehow got me convinced that he needs money ‘RIGHT NOW’. I convinced my parents to send them the money. They said everything was cleared. And meanwhile everyday there was lot of emotional abuse. Then he came here and then started the physical abuse and controlling too………the same old saga that “My mom said you are like this………you are like that…….. You said this and done this ……………” Tried to have a conversation with him lot many times but all in vain. God knows how much I thrived for his love and attention. Then again he broke the news that his dad has few more debts. I took some training and then took up job. But again he wants money “RIGHT NOW”. So he wanted me to ask my dad for his property. Well, this I was not so stupid, so I said I will not do it but advised him that we can save money and clear the debts every month slowly. But it has to be “RIGHT NOW”. He approached my dad for the properties and my dad gave a firm no. Until them my parents were ‘THE GODS’ to him and they suddenly turned to “THE DEVILS”. He was not ready to complete his licensing exams to take up a job. When I ask him the reason, he says, he hit his principal in his college and his principal is not ready to sign on the required documents. With this reason he spent 2 years. After that there was a new principal for his college and this time the reason he gave not to write exams were that his parents have to come here. With this reason he spent another 3 years. Meanwhile there was lot of emotional and physical abuse. Never behaved responsibly. I was so confused and frustrated. There was no one to talk to. I opted not to reveal this to my parents with the fear of their health. I just waited patiently that he will realize one day. I HAVE TO DO HIS WAY. If no he used to threaten me that there is a second marriage written in his horoscope and that he will divorce me.
    I was in fear, confusion, frustrated and above all tired. I slowly started sensing the betrayal. It was the money he needed from me always. And his parents are here. As everybody’s life, my life has the same saga……………. Every morning I hear his mom’s complain, trying to control me. She re-arranged my kitchen according to her. But it did not bother me. Slowly she started emotionally abusing me targeting my parents. I took this to my husband’s notice but like always he supported his mom. And on the top of it now he reveals that his dad has about 1 crore debts and they have no intension of paying back. The reason he gives is that his dad was cheated by everybody. Well, this time I was not so stupid, I did not believe him. One day my mom called me and was crying on phone and that’s when she revealed how my husband would use them to buy things for him, hang-up on their face, scream at them. They did not reveal this to me before because they thought it would hurt me. Surely, I had lot of communication gap with my parents and he succeeded in everything. Finally I thought enough is enough and walked out of my house owing I will return back only after his realization. I revealed everything to my parents about the physical abuse and financial abuse. That’s when the battle started (relatives pitched in and all the meetings were held……….). He promised he would mend his ways and I was sent back to my home. There was new way of abuse……… with silence. They would eat, cook, talk, watch tv and go out together. I was completely left out. Being rejected and the feeling of betrayal was more painful than the physical abuse. And one fine day his parents left to a friend’s home and then after few days he left too blaming I kicked them out. Every time he abused me I used to go back to him because I never had the intension of breaking the relationship. Maybe he left that would happen and with his male egos as is, I did not go back to him. I came to know through his relatives that he is planning to divorce me and going for second marriage. I then approached law and got a restraining order against him. Here somewhere in my heart I was still hoping that he will realize and reconcile with me.
    His typical Indian thinking that “my wife is now 30 year old and it will be difficult for her to get married again, so she will come back to me” did not work. And I took some time to go back to memories and think clearly that happened to me and came to a decision that I am no longer going to continue my relationship with this man. So my parents tried to settle this amicably to save me the pain of court process. He demands $40,000.00. That broke the last trust and respect for this man that I might have in some corner of my heart. I gave him home, stood by him through his lows of life and this is what I get in return. I do not blame him. It’s me who trusted him completely and blindly. It’s me who did not act wisely rather than acting emotionally. It learnt my very expensive lesson. I decided for sure now that I am going for divorce. It’s feel like a widow than a person getting divorced.
    When he verbally abused me, I also screamed and yelled at him, not to hurt him but to make my point and to defend myself. Then with the advice from my dad I tried staying silent when he was very angry. But it did not help. Then I tried talking to him and tried to explain how it hurts me. I would apologize when he points out my mistakes. I did not expect apology from him but at least I thought he would realize. Forget about realizing, it has become severe. It’s like I never experienced husband’s love.
    Now that you know my story, can you give me your advice? Is my decision wrong? Is it ok to live with your spouse when you lost complete trust and respect, forget about love…………………
    Thank You once again for your time and Sorry for not making it a short story (I tried believe me)……….

    Archana
     
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  2. moncy

    moncy New IL'ite

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    My dear,

    I felt very sad to read your post.

    You certainly deserve someone far far far better than this man (I am not even using the word husband or DH because he doesnt deserve to be called that)

    Enough is enough. Leave this man and move on with your life. Even if you dont get married again, it is far better than living with a person who abuses you and your parents.

    And from your post, I dont see one positive thing in your marriage for you to stick on.

    Take care. May god bless u

    Moncy
     
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I think you took long time to realise this.You should have done long time back.I am not sure what makes you to hang to this relation for a long time by knowing they are using you.This man is not even considered as human being.I don't know why you and your parents fall for this trash.
    Please come out of this as soon as possible and don't even in dream think that you are in some wrong direction.
    I know you get all the confidence here by posting your issue and lot of people will be there with you.All the best and enjoy your rest of your life.If you take care of your parents atleast you get some peace in your life.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2010
  4. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Archana, why do you still have the doubt my friend, that is it right if you are divorcing him or thinking to seperate?

    You have gone through so much, and for me as a male I think you are a ideal wife, more than ideal, the amount you shelled at him, that is too much...you were in US, you were from good financial background, still this lousy guy could trap you, it happens, as you said you easily believed or believe and dont suspect in first place, and that you were also against divorce completely

    What man propose, God disposes, God teaches us lessons hard way, lessons which we think are not meant for us...

    Good people are always trapped in life one way or other, so you got trapped too, people who are manipulative, cunning, passive-aggresive do the art of acting very very well

    So never think you are wrong now, you are 100% right, and still you have so soft heart for him.

    You have mentioned physical abuse, what was the frequency, what were its dynamics, were they very severe? Sometimes a person will prefer physical abuse to verbal , what I mean is Verbal abuse is most horrible as it leaves scars on mind and heart permanently, Speaking aggresively, hatefully, violently , will break a person apart....

    Silent treatment that you received I can understand it very well, ABUSERS are BAS*****, they will never change, they will keep looking for next victim and also different avenues to abuse, sometimes people talk sarcastically to abuse. They will mean something and say something, there are 1000 ways to abuse someone. Just glare at a person wrong way and it can be a abuse....

    STAND UP TO YOURSELF, you dont have Kid, divorce is easy, you are 30 pretty young to get remarried, give yourself 2-3 years and evaluate your life and see what kind of person you want,

    With your current experience you will be able to see through the next person and the pitfalls can be avoided to great extent, this time of introspection will also give you chance to reflect on your weakness/behavior whether they are positive or negative in nature, what should you have done better, or how you could have managed a situation differently, that will give you a more solid foundation for future.

    Lessons learned-- Lessons applied:thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2010
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    well said Moncy

     
  6. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Archana,
    My hugs and love to you.You are not wrong at all.You deserve better.

    Go to some South Asian women's shelter to get advice,counselling and support.

    Give yourself couple years. You will feel much better.I had a bad 9 yrs of marriage and a messy divorce.

    But I met someone even though I was 32...was married at 34.I have a DS now and am ridiculously HAPPY...

    I will pray for you.You will be fine..Just say that over and over again and never sell yourself short..

    GOOD LUCK.
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Archana, I'm so so sorry for you.

    You've made the right to decision to split from him. He used you and your family from day one to clear his debts. And when you were no longer of use to him (i.e. when you stood up for your parents and said 'no') you became worthless to him and hence he started to show his true colors. What you've seen of him is what you're going to get. He's greedy, cruel, and madly in love with his mom. If there's a second marriage in his horoscope, it's probably to his mom.

    You didn't mention children.... I hope there are no kids involved in all of this 1) because they deserve a better father figure than this guy you're married to and 2) it'll be easier for you to make a clean break from him.

    If the divorce is to happen in US, make sure to hire a lawyer if you have any assets at all that he might try to take from you. I would keep the restraining order in place too. You're not the one with the problem Arch, it's HIM. He's an abuser, and will always be. Whether you chose to live or leave... is up to you. Living with him though will be a nightmare... you've already tried reasoning with him, involving relatives, staying quiet... basically there is nothing you can do that will stop him from abusing you. And even if he stopped, his mom will always be over his shoulder encouraging him to hurt you again. And at this point, it doesn't look like your husband will ever be strong enough to shrug off his mom's influence.

    There are plenty of men out there who you CAN respect... so why settle with one you can't.
     
  8. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    You should not only divorce this bloke with no second thoughts or qualms, but you should also sue him and his parents for all that money they have milked off of you and your parents and get every penny of it back.... with interest. And no, I am not kidding. I am sure it is hard earned money of your parents and they would love to get it back from these con artists.
    After reading thru your story, divorce is a no brainer here and nothing good can possibly come out of this marriage.
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Archana

    Its heights of nonsense the way your husband has behaved and worst is the way he is demanding 40 grand. Nonsense and worst guy ever I have seen sorry for the harsh words...but is he really a man??? demanding alimony from a woman !! seems like he is going to set a new trend for men:crazy where they wouldnt work or quit jobs and stay at home and demand alimony ( you could have said if he had cooked, cleaned and done all the work a house wife does , you can give alimony:)) but am sure this guy with his male ego wouldnt have even helped you anywhere in the duties. I still would suggest hire a good lawyer as ASG suggested and show how all the properties are earned by you and he had no contribution from his side and on what grounds is he demanding money? Also take those receipts or bank transactions details of money your parents have given to your husband/inlaws (in India) and show those receipts on how much money you already gave him and his family.

    You dont have to prove your reason to anyone...You know what you have gone through and no woman would put up with such nonsense for such long time. Be brave, Stay strong and be positive.Take one step at a time and deal with it. Am sure you would have a bright future with no nonsense to deal with and also peace of mind to concentrate on better things in life. Who knows as our friend found love said..you might find love too....So keep positive outlook and deal with the present with braveness

    Coming to the thread you referred to..you proved my question there...the way men give reasons that my wife doesnt respect me and my parents so I want to separate:idea and yes yes I would want to get remarried soon.crappy guy
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2010
  10. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your good advices and prayers. I feel much better now.

    I do not have children (THANK GOD FOR THAT). But yes, I have prayed and cried to god for children, yet he did not give me. I guess GOD was protecting me for sure. When I realized the betrayal from him, that's when I dropped the idea of having kids.
    I guess I knew what he was doing to me, but I took so many years to accept the fact and was hoping for him to change. My parents are extremely supportive during this time.

    To Tridev: It was severe physical abuse. He throws me on ground and uses his fist and legs to beat and punch me.He grabs me by my hair and throws me all over the ground.He does that whenever I don't do things his way and sometimes blaming that I do not respect his parents.

    He sent a message to me this morning through one of his friends that I do not have to pay him anything and he is ready to divorce me. I know he is playing mind games with me. I can not match up to him in smartness and now that I woke up from sleep, I decided to consult a lawyer and go by what the lawyer advices. I am keeping patience, thinking and cautiously moving forward.

    Thank You all again for your prayers and support and the time you have taken to read my story.
    Archana
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 25, 2010
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