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Am I Doing Something Wrong ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Silver IL'ite

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    I finally got a job !!! It has been around 3-4 months but already fights with hubby are exploding. I am giving exact figures cause maybe I am the wrong one so please help me what to do.
    My salary is $3900. I don’t want any issues with hubby so I have set up direct deposit where he gets directly $2000 out of this $3900. I told him I will contribute to half of household expenses if at any time there will be more than $4000 then I will transfer the rest to his account. He has never given me a credit card or cash to me. If I ever needed something I used to use my before marriage credit cards and cash as I had worked before marriage and had tons of money with me which my parents never took from me saying parents should not take from kids. But problem is when I was not working due to maternity and pregnancy he never gave me money to buy food or buy gas for car or anything. If I needed something he would yell I am sitting and eating on him and I am SITTING and eating his food and money. But he happily has money to buy Tesla’s and whatever his greedy heart desires working 2 jobs buying his mom end brother and sister whatever they want investing in Bitcoin and what not without even asking me. Think he put around $40000 n it without asking me. Now everything is gone.


    He counts even the food he gives or buys a pregnant wife. Why should I pay for his extravagant expenditure. He left me with 2 kids to work working from morning 6 to night 9 FOR 4 years. Did he buy even food for me during this time. ?? No. What did he do with his money buy a Tesla , buy his mom a car , buy his brother a scooter , bring his uncles to the us for tours but for his wife and kids NOTHING.

    Since this morning he’s yelling that he wants the whole $3900. I mean if I don’t have a job is he going to pay for my food ? He didn’t even buy food when I was pregnant. So how can I expect he will give me food or pay for my expenses if I give him all my money.
    Been married for 11 years he never gave me a credit card or money. Funny how I never realized it . I applied for credit card for myself and use it myself rotating credit cards till I get a job.
    Am I wrong ? Should I give him the whole paycheck ?

    I must mention he never did shipping the last 7 years of married life. But suddenly since lockdown started he’s doing shopping. Now saying he’s doing all the work in the house and I need to pay him all paycheck. I yelled the other day that he needs to do housework at least half the week as I am paying for half the household expenses. Now he’s saying I’m not doing anything at home cooking cleaning shopping and I need to give all Expenses. He does give kids breakfast as I’m busy with meetings at that time but that is once in a while. I was about to go shopping today since it’s Sunday and he says your going to go shopping in “my car “. I yelled well I’ll buy myself my own car if I keep my money.
     
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  2. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    Please keep this job. Pay 2000$ as you decided. Let him yell all he wants. Don't give in.
    Weren't you doing all the housework till now.Did he pay you anything?
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Ideally, if he earns 60% of total income he has to pay 60% to monthly expense. If both of your income are the same 50-50 is ideal.

    In your case 2000 is a good share. Just ignore him. Tell him, if he yell again, you dont contribute anything. It his duty too to take care of home and kids.

    Be firm. If you can earn job, you can manage it too. You dont need anyone's help.
    It will be better to ignore instead of arguing because it can elevate the issue to another level.
    Or ask him to open a joint account for monthly expense where you both contribute and have common credit cards/ check book for the same. So you can see total expense clearly. For personal expense use your own accounts.
    Dont give in, if you dont want to.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2021
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  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Is this $3900 gross salary or is it after Fed/State, FICA and Medicare taxes deducted net salary? The $2000 you transfer to your husband [each month?] would be a significant chunk of your after-tax money; however transferring only a portion of your salary implies that you have calculated his worth to you and it is not much. This is the nub of the problem.
    • By giving him ONLY a little bit, you had shown him exactly how much YOU value HIM.
    • By giving you neither cash, nor credit cards during your 11 years of marital association, he had demonstrated that he values you beyond what money or credit cards can show.
    You either give him all, or nothing at all. All intermediate amount money transfers can only point to the obvious answer to your questions:
    • Yes.
    • Not necessarily.
    Added later: after writing this response, I went and checked out some sites on how to train a dog which was allowed to acquire lots of bad habits. Lots of good advice is there, but it takes much effort and lots of patience.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2021
  5. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Silver IL'ite

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    I value your response. Yes that money is after all taxes and deductions. You are saying that is a small amount. But that salary is equivalent to 60k! How much more salary will a women who has stayed home with kids for a couple of years get ? You are talking as if it’s a small amount. Then what should I do now ? Give him all my salary ? If I give him all my salary who will take care of me when I don’t have a job. When kids were sick with fevers he would just continue working as if nothing happened. I was the one buying medicines taking them to doctors which would require money to buy gas and pay copays at the doctors. What about babies diapers. He is behaving like a teenager splurging money for Tesla’s etc. he needs to know the value of money. When we first got married I was the one who was pregnant then too giving him all my premarital earnings to make him study so he will get a job and take care of me after my first baby was born. He did not even have a job!

    I agree with u. So we are fighting like cats and dogs about the remainder of money which is a measly $1900 ( after $2000 goes to him ). Shame on us.but what is the solution for this.
     
  6. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Silver IL'ite

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    What burns my blood is when he is soo calculated as to not buy his pregnant wife food or diapers for baby why should I have the heart to pay for his luxuries. ???? If he needs money he should not have invested 40k in Crypto without asking me. But that is not the point. I cannot bail him out with money all my life. ! That happened once when we got married and now again ! He needs to learn how to manage money ! I know how much I struggled with a newborn baby when I did not have a job. If I would ask him for anything even to do the shopping or extra fruits for picky baby he would not give me a credit card or money and moreover say if you want anything you go get a job and go driving and get it !! Now I got the job as he had challenged and I have the right to buy what I want !
     
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  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Crypto has been doing very well. What is he doing with that money?
     
  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    Yes. Don't get scared with his yelling
    Just continue with your decision.
    If he amounts to abuse, you can call 911
     
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  9. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Silver IL'ite

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    Really ?? Hasn’t dodgecoin Bitcoin everything dropped ?
     
  10. Janakinarne

    Janakinarne Silver IL'ite

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    In my opinion you no need to share any amount with him because its responsible to look house expenses and kids needs,but you are sharing the amount he should be happy with that answer him that it's your money and you need those when I'm emergency and ask him that you need thr transparency in money transactions because now youroney is also there and you have right where to spend money and where to save,,
     
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