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Am I Being Unreasonable?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by capricious, Jun 8, 2016.

  1. capricious

    capricious New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,


    I’ve been a silent reader and been loving it here.


    I’ve been married for less than 2 years but been in relationship with my hubby for like5 years now. We both studied here and are in good stable jobs. Although we were (and still are) earning good salaries, our savings weren’t quite upto scratch as we saved a bit for our wedding, honeymoon and getting a car, furnishings etc.


    Recently, my parents sold their property and decided to retire. My sister is yet to be married but they were quite confident that the sale proceeds from the property could comfortably get her married and also be sufficient for their retirement. My sister earns too and we are a very close knit family. My sister and I would chip in to help my parents if needed as well.


    My husband is a very nice person (having read some of the posts here!). He is very respectful towards my parents, lets me spend on little things, helps in the kitchen and what not. He does have his quirks like spending too much time on movies but definitely outweighs his good nature.


    When my parents visited my recently, they offered to give my hub and I a loan towards purchase of a property for us. This was close to 17 lakhs and I was very uncomfortable to take this from them as my sister might be getting married soon. I had a chat with them and they agreed to talk to my husband too and explain that they are only looking to get the 7 lakhs as a priority and the remaining 10 lakhs can either be a gift for me or we could choose to pay it slowly. Me being the overprotective daughter agreed that I would repay the 10 lakhs too in the coming years. They explained all this to my hub and he agreed that he would arrange something from his side to repay the 7 lakhs immediately.


    A little about my husband, he’s the second of two sons to his parents and he’s got a big house as his share of inheritance. His parents are still lviign in that house and that house is probably worth around 1 crore. I’ve been insisting him to sell this off and also get a nice place for his parents in the same area as this house is large and is also getting hard for them to maintain. This way we could also get some buffer to pay for the maintenance of his parents and also repay my parents. His dad does have a medical condition which has made him very emotional and has been avoiding this talk. My husband’s argument is that the house that he has inherited is their family home for the past 60 years and he feels like he is ‘kicking out’ his parents of their house. I’ve never suggested him to stop paying or put his parents in aged care. We are overseas and would probably never get to live in their family home ( it has to be sold either today or 50 years later).


    Fast forward, we’ve got the property we wanted and my parents have found a suitable match for my sister too. Altho my parents haven’t asked us pay the 7 lakhs back for the wedding, I’m extremely guilty of my husband not contributing anything from his side. My parents have paid for my education and haven’t expected me to pay for their visits or maintenance either. We are also in a position to save a bit more to construct the property so sending money from my earnings is not even possible.


    This is causing so much friction between my husband and I and I just keep getting angry with him for not selling his house. Am I being unreasonable?
     
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  2. Harini73

    Harini73 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Both of you try to get some loan and pay back the amount to your parents.

    Some people will have sentimental value to their properties.As long as your PIL are living there just don't force your husband regarding the sale of the property.

    My father and his brothers did not even think about selling their house in native even though my grandmother was in city with her sons.She used to say her last journey should go from the native place only.So,after her death only they sold it and divided the amount among them.Maintaining that property was very tough,still they kept it for their mothers peace of mind.

    Your husband may also be thinking about his parents peace of mind..Just sit with him and plan for finance and repay your parents loan,instead of talking to him about selling the house.

     
  3. magician

    magician Silver IL'ite

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    Are you being unreasonable?

    Yes. Yes to the Y. Z.

    Get a home loan.

    And honestly, do you really think you have a say over his parent's house?
     
  4. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    So basically you bought a house with some loan from your parents (who in turn had sold their house). Now you want your inlaws to sell their property so that you can repay your loan.

    Short Answer - Yes I think you are being unreasonable.

    Long Answer - Sorry but your point of view seems skewed and you seem to be viewing things to only from your perspective and needs.

    1) Have you considered the fact that your inlaws have a preference of wanting to live their lifetime in their ancestral house ? Why must they hurry up and sell their house just because you took up some loan from your parents ? Even if you argue that they are going to be taken care of overall - that's not the point - you are not respecting their sentiments or even considering what their wishes might be. You're demanding that they sell & then judging your husband poorly for sensing and respecting their wishes. It's unfair of you to expect that others must sacrifice their wishes to meet your needs. Why don't you just sell your own newly bought property and go with a smaller house for yourself and repay your parents' loan ? Just as you have the property you wanted, your inlaws not only have every right to stay in their own home, but more importantly, you're out of line to ask them to do so without them suggesting it. So I do agree with your husband on this point.

    2) You undertook the loan based on the fact that you both have good jobs. So that's where the money to repay should technically still come from. There was no implicit understanding b/w you, your husband and inlaws that they will sell their house to fund your purchase. So it's not like they reneged on their word nor did you consult them when taking this loan from your parents. If you're looking for an easy way to settle the loan, displacing your inlaws is not the right way to go about it. Unless your inlaws themselves want to do so, in which case this dilemma does not arise.

    3) Your parents don't seem to have asked you for the 7 L back. Why not explain to them your tight money situation and come up with a more relaxed re-payment plan ? Or you could take a bank loan & give them the cash.

    4) I think part of the reason you feel entitled to ask your inlaws to downsize and give you cash is because your parents seem to have done something similar. But did your parents sell their property just to meet yours and your sister's financial needs ? Or did they do so of their own choosing ? Did you ask them to sell their house to give you a loan ? Would you have considered it? Even if your answered YES to all of the above questions - the point is it's between you & your parents, and ultimately your parents' choice. Your inlaws were not party to your purchasing/financing decisions. Hence it wld be unfair to expect them to sacrifice their home for yours.

    Overall, I urge you to view not only this, but any problem, from other people's perspectives to see what is reasonable and what's not.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2016
  5. capricious

    capricious New IL'ite

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    It's so hard not to sound so mean when I'm trying to explain my situation. We do have a home loan and my parents loaned us a (a part) of the down payment.

    I do not have a say in somebody else's family property but I believe my hub should have thought about it before borrowing from my parents. Especially when he promised them he will be able to repay it when my sister's wedding is fixed.

    My intention to not to kick his parents out and live in their sale proceeds. It just seems like the most practical solution given our situation but that's just me.
     
  6. capricious

    capricious New IL'ite

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    Yes, that does make a lot of sense.. I'll certainly ponder over your post.
     
  7. capricious

    capricious New IL'ite

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    Oh and just to reiterate, my parents did not sell their property just to fund us for our property. We weren't quite ready to purchase yet but they insisted that we do go ahead with the purchase as they had extra cash they had that we could use.
     
  8. Harini73

    Harini73 Platinum IL'ite

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    You should been more cautious when you borrowed the money instead of now blaming your husband.

    As you are not having any sentimental value to the house,selling may seem practical solution to your problem.But they have lived their life there and they will defiantly have good memories associated with the house and just because you have some problem you cannot force them out of their house.

     
    yellowmango likes this.
  9. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    I do not have a say in somebody else's family property but I believe my hub should have thought about it before borrowing from my parents. Especially when he promised them he will be able to repay it when my sister's wedding is fixed.

    @capricious -

    1. I think you feel upset because your husband promised to arrange something "from his side" but hasn't. But when he said "his side" did he mean his parents & sibling ? Or did he mean taking a loan himself elsewhere ? Did you explicitly ask your husband what his plans were exactly ? Instead of saying "husband should have thought about it before borrowing from my parents" you ought to be saying, as his partner, "WE should have thought about it before". You are as much responsible for thinking about as he is & as much responsible for failing to ask him clearly. This isn't just "his problem" that he needs to solve by now selling his family home.


    2. Your parents insisted you purchase even when you were not financially ready. So I think it might be reasonable to ask them to be more understanding and give you more time.

     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2016
    sweetsmiley, Rihana and yellowmango like this.
  10. capricious

    capricious New IL'ite

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    Sorry, I overlooked to reply to your earlier response. Yes, I agree - I'm not blaming him.. It's just that he thought he had more properties (lands or something) which could fetch some money to pay this 7l immediately. When I did ask him if that failed, he did tell me that he was intending on selling his family home. But you are right, I did not ask him when or how. I didn't think it would cause this much friction.
     

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