Am I bad for wanting them to leave every second?

Anamika99 · Jun 30, 2011

For my background, I am married for 12 years, with one child , working woman. Settled in US. My in-laws come and live with us every year for 6 months. People say there are lots of advantages of joint family but I feel that it is about time we live alone – without in-laws.

Some common reasons most of us would have seen
1) Invasion of privacy
a. They are with us 24/7 when ever we are home, time I get alone when I go to bed
b. For those 6 months my husband and I (and for that matter my son and my self) do not get timer alone in home , given that we both work, we can get timeif we want to by having lunch or something, but it is not the same as chilling infront of TV in pajamas with just two of us…it never happens for freaking 6 months . My son craves for my time exclusively but that never happens either, though I spend playing with him, it is them who are always around. I can not just take off with him somewhere….my son suffers more than I do by not having excusive time. He misses me a lot
2) Invasion of Independence
a. Have to ask for everything
b. Gals night is out of question
c. Even when they ask us to go for a movie and restaurant, I would dread because I have to make sure that everything is done else on coming back I will get “BIG WELCOME” . I have gone once so far and it happened and I never go
d. My MIL always standing next to me when I am home, I feel like she is judging every little activity I do, she keeps staring
e. MIL has no hobby what so ever so always wants me, me, me

3) Additional stress
a. I cook night before when they are not here but it is not allowed when they are here it adds time pressure on me
b. Have to get up early to cook, and then again cook in the evening
4) Constant unsolicited advice and instruction
a. Everything I do needs to be done differently …as what MIL says is better apperantly
b. ‘first clean kitchen then only do dishes’, ‘go attend your husband, your work can wait’ and not-stop instruction on every single task of the day stresses me out

Specific Problem
5) Career impact
a. Since having to wake up early, I am so tired all the time, after going to bed only at 11pm, have to wake up 4.40am. I hardly get by at work, Can’t work to impress
b. I am not allowed to travel, and expected home on time
c. When my husband gets home he is offered snack and water and all good stuff, if there is any issue during the day, as soon as reach home I m “WELCOME” with those complaints or showered with to-do list at home
6) Impact on my health
a. I hardly get time to work out
b. I m so sleepy that I over eat
c. Sleep deprivation has made me so irritable
d. Hard to handle even smaller stress
7) Impact on my son’s health
a. He is always getting constant comments ‘do this, do nto do it’
b. His physique comparison infront of him and many other comparison
c. Him losing independent thinking development because of it (he is 7 yrs old)
8) Pressure of learning new recipe
a. I do not like cooking, especially because it is my duty, and then top of that I am asked “feed us what ever you have learned new when we were not here (that is just 6 months) as soon as possible”
b. Finding new recipes and asking me to make them , I have no nerve to tell them that I do not want to

While they are very nice in helping out, they try their best to do their things, laundry, ironing etc by their selves , in 12 year we have met mid-way (if they were like what they were 12 year back, I would have left this family in a jiffy) My husband helps out as well. He is pretty sweet..but above mentioned things stresses me out a lot. I feel advantages we get from joint family are overshadowed by the disadvantages we get. I really want a break….like I want them to go back (they have been here just for 6 weeks and 19 more weeks to go L ) sooner and not come back for 2-3 years. That way probably my mind will revive. I know they are old (near 75) and I should be taking care of them. I am ok with additional work but it has to happen in my terms then only. For example, they should have good food on plate twice a day, whether I make a day before should not matter. I am ok with joint family if we can lead two separate lives at times…but it never happens…and I am ready to shout aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………….i m really really really tired of having them around all the time. I want them to go back right now…and how do I even tell my hubby not to call them next time for 2-3 yrs? People have told me to be thick skinned and do whatever I want…but I just can’t, that is not my style, and can’t bake that in my nature….i wish there is some place (I have no friends which are just mine and not of entire family that during lunch break I can go to and catch up on sleep at their place) I can go away to for few days….they have relatives here but they will never go…for entire 6 months , 24/7 they are with us , I really want to be left alone . What should I do?

monita · Jun 30, 2011

Anamika,
I can relate to you very well.My MIL has moved in with us. She is with us forever, not just 6 months. I can so totally relate to all the problems you have. I think she is even worse than your ILs. She is in her 60s but doesn't do anything at all. Not even ironing. All she does is get the clothes from the clothesline after they have dried and dump them in the laundry, including all her clothes, night clothes and everything. She wouldn't even eat if I don't serve her food. But it's harder for you because you are working full time.

You are working too hard. I think you must put your health first before everything else. You have to find some way to do it. What time do you leave for work? what time do you come back?

One change I made was that earlier I used to cook twice a day, now I am done with it. I cook only in the morning. You can do the same and see how it works. Also do some preparation in the weekends. You can also find someone who can help you with cooking and other housework.

It's much more difficult to live with ILs when you live overseas than in India. About other problems, I know how you feel. We too never go out for dinners etc. My life is finished after MIL moved in.

Rihana · Jun 30, 2011

"Am I bad for wanting them to leave every second?" No.

"What can I do?" Run away. j/k.. I feel for you. Hope some helpful responses pour in.

sheztheone · Jun 30, 2011

OP, first of all, kudos to you for working so hard. I am able to relate to some of your concerns as we have had ILs visit us, and though I was not working, it was tough enough with a toddler and all the work. It must definitely be a lot harder for you as you are working.

I could not help but wonder the following after reading your post:
1. Why are your ILs visiting you every year? Are they on a GC? Can't you have someone from your family visit you the next time? That way IL visit can be postponed for some time.

2. Why have you been bending over backwards for this long-like cooking twice a day, cleaning kitchen etc before cooking etc.? Explain your schedule to them politely and say that it tires you out a lot to be doing this and you are sleep-deprived and exhausted at work. Let them think whatever. You would have at least explained your situation.
My ILs visited us thrice-the first time I was truly an amateur as regards cooking/housekeeping and MIL had a blast ordering me around. The second time I toughened up and laid some of the rules as this is my home and Im the one doing all the work. The second and third time I did wake up earlier than usual and changed some schedules/methods to suit them but did not give up on certain others.
That said, I too would be stressed big time if they were to visit every year.:spin

3. Does your DH realise how you feel? If he is being understanding to you otherwise you ought to be able to explain to him whatever you told us.

Agreed, your ILs are getting older and need to be taken care of, but this kind of stress might spoil the relationship and leave a bitter taste in the mouth. You really have to stand up for yourself if these visits cannot be avoided. Forget what they are going to think, just take your son out for half a day occasionally, have a night out with husband. Initially it will be very difficult but as long as you continue being polite to them while doing your duty it is going to be fine. Remember, better late than never.:thumbsup

billybob · Jun 30, 2011

I feel for you, cook three times a week, let your DH cook three times a week and once in a week take out. take your son out on weekend, enroll him in him in some kind of sport he likes and take him for half day for his activity and lunch or ice-cream, have some mother son time. If you do not take time out eventually you will end up hating inlaws, irritated with DH and son, spoil your health and your work will be effected.

Anamika99 · Jun 30, 2011

Thank you all for posting....i need to be out for few days (that too with whole family...at-least i will have time with son! though have to be with them as well, no cooking (huh? excpet making lots of snack for the road.. how pathetic) will ponder over and write more later Thanks again....thanks a lot...helps me relive my stress

revaselva · Jun 30, 2011

Hi Anamika,

I truly feel for you. Since I am a working mom as well. First of all in US managing a family without help for physical chores and working fulltime job is very hard. As Rihanna was saying above....i feel like saying run away..wow.....just being with my IL's when my kid was born.....i was just counting days for them to get out......due to the same point about invasion of privacy, not being able to spend time with my newborn. since she was bottlefed, they used to hold her from wake up time to almost mid night, not bothering abt the importance of mother child bonding....huh.......
I think u should put your foot down......on doing less chores and telling them to prepare their own breakfast and lunch just for themselves.......so that u can eat some cereal and buy ur lunch at work....i understand tht will add up lil expense.....but its so much worth than waking up in the morning and cooking and going to work so tired... and you can prepare something for the kid, the previous night itself. And slowly make ur husband understand that,them visiting you guys often, is causing gap between ur relationship and more fights and affecting your health, and hope it leads to minimizing their future visits. So, first thing first....as soon as they leave this time, go away for 1 wk on a nice vacation to Los Cabos or hawaii or some other place..so that u can come out of the stress and get back to normal.....

billybob · Jun 30, 2011

there is no other way except for asking help, have your spouse and in-laws pitch in. are your afraid that in-laws or your spouse will think negative about you if you do not cook in the morning? or may be you are conditioned to please everybody as a woman by the nature of your upbringing. snacks for the road is over the top, it is ok to to buy snacks on the way, much healthier since we eat less if we do not stock up in the car, unless you have multiple kids.

justanothergirl · Jun 30, 2011

Anamika
While u are not unreasonable in feeling the way you do right now..ur idea of what is wrong about the situation is misplaced. The biggest red flag I see here is that ur DH is totally off the hook when it comes to house hold chores. Joint family or even a nuclear family with both the spouses working can only be viable when everyone shares the load. U might be able to pull the load for 3 when u are alone but when ur PIL come that approach will not scale. Instead of resenting their presence try to change ur approach. Assign them chores which they can do. They might be able to sit and fold clothes or chop vegetables and get things prepped for dinner even if they cannot cook all the way.Let ur DH cook couple of times a week. when u cook let him clean and vice versa. Cook make a little extra and freeze left overs. Use ur dinner to pack for ur next days lunch . If they need things fresh teach them how to make rice in the rice cooker and tell them they can either use prev dinner for subji or make something light for themselves. Don't change ur routine. Don't think of them as guests and put ur life on hold and wait for them to leave. It only builds resentment .Do what u would when they are not around . Change in ur Pajamas and chill on ur couch after dinner for a break. Go for ur girls night out....use their presence to go out with DH for a couple of date nights a month. If ur DH doesn't do it or let u do all this or pitch in the house work then the problem is with him not with ur PIL even though its more tempting to place the blame on them.

kma · Jun 30, 2011

I wanted to tell the same things as JAG. My MIL has never stayed with me long enough , but I have seen the way my cosis handles her. She does not treat her like a guest, she is just herself even with my MIL around, and there are many times when BIL and cosis used to keep children at home with MIL and enjoy late night movies. There are obviously certain frictions when we stay with MIL, but there are certain advantages as well. The thing is we have to get them accustomed to our ways too, even if they dont like them and comment abt them.