Am I a greedy daughter in law?...pls be kind- i am still learning...

desiinlondon · May 31, 2013

We been married for 4 years now.Our marriage was a roller coaster ride as it was a love marriage.My FIL has a bank job and MIL is a house wife.As far as I know, both are good at heart. My FIL infact is very kind..he goes extra mile to take loan from others and help relatives.He has been doing this for 30 years now. He had a debt of 30 lac rupees (taken on intrests). In his tenure he bought 2 flats and a small piece of land. Me and my DH moved to london...we were not at all settled then. It was very difficult to pay rent, meet monthly expenses and pay some EMIs back in india.Here started the problem...my FIL was sponging the money from us for 2 yrs ....we gave him 40 lac rupees(he paid 30 lac debt and god knows where the 10 lacs went). our marriage expenses were taken care by me and DH.MIL was not aware of his loans and she was asking us money separately(we gave her 6 lacs). After 3 yrs I told her abt 40 lacs we've been paying FIL. Also, my inlaws spend lots of money without any tracking of expenditure. MIL & FIL wanted to come to london for no reason. I convinced my husband to bring them after i get pregant. He is upset till today. He is very emotional and does not want to think abt money everytime. My DH is one in a million. He is very good. but nowadays he is losing his temper at me. Since past 2 yrs we both are well settled with jobs. We want to buy a house in london and we are saving money for the deposit. Now comes sister's mariage.She is well settled in US and working there. Still many things are expected from us. I once confronted with my MIL and told her not to sell the piece of land and it should belong to my DH. Out of 2 flats, one goes to SIL and 1 for my DH(I am happy abt it). She lives in US but she dint help with any loans for my FIL. Only 1 thing I am expecting is that my SIL should bare her marriage expenses and that if we give her 2 lacs as a gift it should be sufficient.
Also my DH has a feeling that he dint do anything for his sister.
Everymonth we send 15000 rupees to MIL and also my mother.

Everytime my husband talks abt spending money on his family, I dont like it and the 40lacs come to my mind and we start arguing with each other.

Is it normal in every family. I feel what ever happened is over. But from now on other than 15000 rupees per month i dont want to give them anymore money.I am wrong in thinking like that?

This is my first post and I am trying to be as honest as possible.
Please give me suggestions so that I can be a better person.

Quebec · May 31, 2013

Hi,

@desiinlondon,

welcome to indusladies.............

Well i would say you are right in expecting what you have said and there have to be some ground rules for financial exchange.

I would imagine buying a home in london will be very costly and is taking time..... Best of luck for that......

About SIL marriage..... Well that is a dicey one..... Your DH may have more in mind than the 2 lacs that you were thinking........

Although you are right in expecting from SIL to finance her marriage as she is well settled i think your DH may still feel that he has to do more for his sister.....

Try to know casually talking to your SIL how she plans to arrange the wedding what arrangements and all so that you get an idea about what her expectations are........

And in between also ask her like 'oh but would'ny that be expensive for the two of you.......' Or something like that to gauge what her reaction is and what she says on response........

Even if you are going to pay for it atleast get to know what you'll have to shell out.......

Also you could lock in the money you are saving in some scheme that gives good returns..... So as to avoid heavy expenditure........

Go bless.......

Take care
chow

sweetshreya · May 31, 2013

No, you are not wrong. But giving money to PILs is always a sensitive matter. What you need to learn is some tact in handling it

Start saving as much as you can from your salary. Invest it for the future. You can have a joint account where both of you pool a part of your salary for general expenses. Make some rules like not using that account for PILs demands. Let your DH bear all the burden of PILs demands. Its his family after all. You can give those 30K to mom & MIL by yourself, but rest of everything should go from DH only.

Also make him responsible for the purchase of house and paying of EMI. So that he can start keeping track of how much he is sending PILs.

There are many such threads here in IL where the couples are struggling with the same issue. You can read the posts in them. They will be very helpful.

sdiva20 · May 31, 2013

IMO you and your husband have done more than enough. 40 lakhs is no small amount and strange that instead of appreciating, your IL's are demaning/ expecting more.

Your SIL has a job in US and must be earning a decent amount especially as a single woman. I dont understand the concept of expecting brother/ son to bear those expenses related to her marriage. A gift is fine but anything else is excessive at this point.

You should start planning your future- buy a home, having a nest egg before a child. Helping parents/ siblings is noble but when expectations are unrealistic, its not right.

GoogleGlass · May 31, 2013

Hi Desilondon,

This is a common problem - about money in the family.

You are right about protecting the wealth for your family - you have matured in these 4 years but your DH is catching up too, soon he would realize.

Back to the 40 lacs - you never discussed with SIL, MIL and gave your FIL. Now it is not fair to compare that with SIL's wedding expenses.

As a brother he would wish to spend more other than the 2 lacs you have ear marked. Certain happiness - are once in a life time as these weddings. Especially for a brother to his sister.

Now that you have planned well your financial aspects for the future do excuse your DH to spend as he wishes - do guide him if he goes over board.

With the wedding done then concentrate on your financial planning & make your DH understand the importance and proceed. All the best.

peeks · May 31, 2013

Thats is a tough decision, I can see how our H feesl it is his reponsibilty to help get his sister married. Perhaps you can come to an agreed amount with your SIL i.e she understands it is a struggle for you and therefore will only take what is really needed, the rest she will manage. Your H does need to be there for his sister IF she needs financial help. I think it is a good idea to somehow get across to your SIL that you have financial burden of your own, so hopefully she can be less expectant of her brother, without making her feel you do not want to helpout.

Rihana · May 31, 2013

1. Giving money to his parents and siblings brings your husband happiness and emotional satisfaction. That is why he is doing it. Accept that.

2. You guys have done enough and Rs 15,000 per month is sufficient. Except for medical emergencies, no need to send more.

3. Instead of bringing up the 40 lacs topic and ending up arguing each time the sending money thing comes up, prepare a few short statements about the future plans you guys have, how much is saved up, how much more needs to be saved, kids expenses when they come along. Avoid mention of 40 lacs or Rs 15000. Keep the statements short and free of nagging, complaining or criticizing his family. Repeat those whenever topic comes up. If you feel an argument is brewing, end the conversation.

4. Make sure there is enough understanding between you both that he will not send money behind your back and will not try the tactic of first sending and then telling you.

5. Focus on avoiding your money going to in-laws like there is no tomorrow. Do not try to change point #1 above. You cannot change your husband's nature, you can only safeguard your financial future.

desiinlondon · May 31, 2013

Thank you all for your kind suggestions. I just pray to god that all these money related arguments do not effect my relationship with my DH. I also have a fear that SIL marriage wont be last thing....there will always be something or the other coming up. I have to learn to deal with these things more maturely and also explain my DH without hurting him.
I am relieved of my stress after sharing my story with IndusLadies. Thanks alot ladies.

joylokhi · May 31, 2013

Hi, inspire of being a mil myself, I feel your apprehensions are valid and you are definitely not selfish. I would go by rihana,s advice to the T. She has spelt t it out beautifully. Hope everything works out to your satisfaction in the future. Best wishes.

silvertulip · May 31, 2013

Dear OP, your concerns are valid but if u will bring about the issue of giving money for SIL's wedding, things will turn bad between u and ur DH. Gifting or giving money to SIL, in-laws is a sensitive issue he feels obliged to do so or may be feels good about it. And u can't stop him from gifting/giving money to them, for if u will do that, ur married life will be affected.

Try to keep the budget of sending money to ur in-laws limited, like u are doing now. About ur SIL's marriage expenses, have a talk on ur house buget plans with ur DH and ask him how he will manage that. Show him that u trust him that ur house buying plans won't be affected due to marriage expenses.

Invest ur money and better have discussion with DH on how to get the house purchase done without more financial burden. And yes, I know it's hard but don't bring up the topic of 40 lakhs as it will again lead to fights between u two.