Am I A Bad Person For Not Liking My "mother In Law"?

Who thought a thread on religion and spirituality, that too fasting could be this much fun ! Let's hope billo had as much fun as we did
.
The song you recommended caught my "Attention " !
Sorry OP, don't mean to hijack your thread !

 

I guess we can hang out at billo's thread, when we want to have some fun.. maybe make that our adda of hangout? out of here..

thanks OP for renting this space, take care

 

No you're not bad.

We are not God or Goddesses to be selfless. And even if you are 100% selfless, you would still be labelled a bad dil. That's wht I learnt in my marriage.
No matter howuch you do, they will never appreciate or brush it off as your duty. But one thing you don't do and they make it a huge issue as if you have done a sin.

I too like your idea of staying separate with kid if your mil wants to stay forever. Your dh can take cr of his parents. You are not in anyway entitled to look after your pils when they didntbother about you.

 

Self concern is first priority for anyone. If it makes a bad person, can you show me one person who isnot?

Actually idea of being separate is a wonderful idea for imaginary. Practically not possible. So, better to arrange another house for them. Or get ready, be rigid on your priorities, never ever ignore their negative comments which can lead to ride on you. Don't expect any appreciation s, be happy for what you are. Make sure you are very particular about self respect. Irrespective of age should respect others if they wanted to be respected. That's it

 

You shd answer columns ! I tell you . Kaha se aya Itna wisdom .

@anika : yaar Itna load nahi lene ka . As Rahul Gandhi once said ' poverty is a state of mind and so is guilt '.

 

You are not a bad person for hating her. You are immature in that, you are hating her instead of being brave. Whatever she does, don't shout, give back calmly. If all this happens when your husband isn't there, then the best thing you can do is calmly give back. Don't raise your voice, come what may but do give back. That is an art that not many people know. I used to hate my in-laws, being around them was as good as being in an air-tight room. Same as you. MIL used to comment, FIL used to throw stuff, walk behind me like he was going to create an earthquake, shout to himself loudly, stare like something is wrong all the time. It used to be depressing to see him with an angry face as soon as I used to step in the house. Sometimes he even used to mutter angrily to himself, make comments as though he is the only hard working person that ever existed on this planet. And yes, the commenting, scolding was all definitely in DH's absence. I used to feel helpless, unable to do anything. And then, I started to give back, stepped my foot down and stopped involving DH in anything. That was it, they started behaving properly. Hatred gives you pain, address the issues and you will be the one better off.

 

You are neither good nor bad, you are just human. There are atleast 50 shades of grey between good and bad.

As a son, responsibility of parents at any time they need help, especially in old age is on their son, your husband. He may have siblings, still each one has to assume full responsibility.

Obviously, you don't mean it when you say that you will live with your children, n husband can stay with parents. You can probably be okay without your children need their father.

If keeping in-laws with your family, will cause squabbles n strife, then in the interest of the children, it is not ideal.

So, in-laws have to stay with another son/daughter or in a good retirement home, senior citizen community with regular interaction with children, Grand children and children in law. Email, chat, facetime, care packages all can be deployed.

We all have to survive, right.

 

@anika987

You are not alone. Count me and many more DILs similar to us to the list.

You are right on your decision. You may have forgiven this woman after all these years spent with them. But you definitely can't forget her abuse and mental torture.
This way, you subconscious mind will definitely warn you not to re-visit those times again.
This is how you protect yourself from the outside harms.

You wouldn't dare to touch the fire after enduring heat.

But how you respond to this problem shapes you up as a better person.

Make your H understand the pain you went through in the past due to your PILs.
Make him understand your fear and self protection mode when it comes to living with PILs
You both can meet at a middle point, where he can corporate with his old-ailing parents without disturbing his wife.
You can help him to do this at his best without getting abused all over again.
There are lots of shades between a YES and NO. Find your convenient middle ground.

Do this without feeling bad. You are not denying them any happiness. But protecting your own happiness.
You allowed yourself to be abused in the past. Your wounds are still fresh, and they keep on reminding me.
But this time, you stand up for your own sake. There is nothing wrong!
So, stop feeling guilt.

 

No you're not a bad person.
It's your past experiences that make you feel this way.
It often happens that inlaws who harass the DIL during their prime and middle age then sober down as they become old, as they need the financial, physical and emotional support during their old age.
This maybe reason why many MILs become nicer or atleast tolerable as they grow older..
But that doesn't mean you tolerate them or live with them if you don't wanna...it's not easy to let go of past, these sometimes leave bitter taste in the mouth.
If it's a temporary stay, then just stick to your work and don't talk to them more than what is needed..if they shout at you, then answer them back firmly and strongly.
I'm assuming they live in India, while you're settled in U.S..is it a small vacation, or big one like 6 months..
Are they going to settle in the U.S. With you no your husband? How..is he sponsoring green card for them? If yes voice your concerns to your husband..
Also why should you live separate from your husband just because of inlaws...don't you need the companionship of your husband.
Let him setup separate home for his parents and visit them when required.