Am Hurt! Is Everything Just A Women’s Job!

OP

I am sorry to be blunt but if you bring another baby is already strained relationship your problems will get worst and worst. Think can you take care of two kids alone including their education, daycare expenses etc. I have gone through similar problems. My health got worst after second delivery and I almost became handicapped. I continued job, hired babysitters and juggled lot because of health problems, job, kids, no help from anyone. If I can go back in time I will not think about second baby. Try to focus on your child and restoring your marriage and your health for now.

 

@BeingSoulful
If you have plans to have kid remove any help from husband and see if financially you can manage with helper .
or daycare. Don't quit your job. Don't expect any emotional connect from husband.

 

i think for all women the mindset is the same. I have a hopeless marriage and still tryign for a child and going thru ivf.
I know I want a kid so desperately and have so much love to give. but I think I am blindsided by a "have to have a child" mentality of us indian woman.
You are a step ahead that "you have to have 2 kids" to define ourselves as a "settled" family or whatsoever.
that married, two children is a settled feeling. I get it.
Just ensure you have a financial setting and a support system to take care of the kids and you also.
The way he said to you to leave your job and tht you cant take care of another child and that this child is not well cared for and he doesnt have intimacy other than child bearing sex is all so insanely irresponsible. He thinks he is an 8 year old or what?????
That is perhaps just another way of telling you to take care of the second baby also all by yourself.
And you need a job for your own sanity.
Bottom line is that you have to resign to have a second baby. But you have to go back to work as soon as you have the baby because the hubby does not seem to care enough. Or maybe he bring his mom again to "take care" of the child. Or might ask you to patch up with your parents for support.

Any angle seems more headache to you.
But if there is a chance you can take a sabbatical leave of a year or so, then maybe you can have the baby and also be financially secure to take care of the kids or hire help without his support.

Maybe you just need a mom to take care of you for a while (that seems long shot in your case)

 

"He wouldonly want to get physical without any emotional connection & I would restrain, reject and tell him he was only interested in a physical connection nothing beyond like resolving our issues."
I know its tough, but these rejection, is a recipe for disaster. Go for it if you enjoy the act. Thats the way men connect - one dept MIL cant compete. Sleep in the same bed evenif you have problems.

I think its better to take a break from this baby making project. Focus on your health- physical, emotional and psychological. Focus on career and making every thing in order. Focus on reconnecting with H. Avoid any talk on MIL or baby. Let him wonder. If you cant connect, detach and consider baby as a future project, avoid conflicts,argument s, fights, create a peaceful atmosphere. See if you can manage everything yourself.

Never ever give up your job as it give control of your life to others. Manage your money yourself . Explore ways your can manage kids by seeking help from day care ( in USA they accept even new born babies, my kids started going there when they were 8 months) or how much leave you can take post pregnacy. You need financial independence to get help. Your elder one is only 3yrs. Not easy to manage two kids at the same time without a good support system.

You should be ready and peaceful for it. In this turbulent situation, its not good to bring a baby as it elevate problems/ stress. Dont chase your husband, he will pull away and keep controlling you. Give some time to make every thing in order. You need to plan your life and make it smooth before anything.Think practically.

 

@BeingSoulful,

I tried my best to stay away from this thread but couldn't as I felt it is important to presence a man's perspective. I am glad some of the women ILites above thought through from the men's perspective.

Frankly, you have labeled your husband as the cause for your MIL problem. You can't blame your husband for your problem with MIL. Your MIL is a problem based on what you said about separating your child from you earlier. You can communicate your MIL issues with your husband and that should not be to isolate him from your own family. Please do not combine your BIL's divorce with that of your problem as each couple might have different issues. You are not living with your MIL at this point.

In my view, your husband likes to keep his mother's problem away from your cordial relationship, wants you to be close to him and his children to be affectionate to him. This is normal expectation in my view. If I were you, I would work more in building my relationship with my husband even before I think of adding another child to my family. If a child needs to be happy in future, it should be born in mutual love of his/her parents. The mind not only have powerful impact on us but on others also including an unborn child.

There are no winners and losers in a fight between a husband and wife. If they have a cordial relationship, both are winners but if their relationship is strained, both are losers. It doesn't matter who takes the first step to strengthen the relationship but what matters is how happy the family is. You should have a frank talk with him telling that he is not responsible for what you have encountered with his mother and your indifference is due to stress in work/life balance all these years. Encourage your child to spend exclusive time with her father.

I wish you the best in building a cordial relationship with your husband and lead a peaceful family life.

 

Hi @BeingSoulful,
Ddream, Rihana, and Viswa Sir had given great suggestions for you. I thought you would re consider your perspective when you read more views that's why posting my opinion here. Your Mil might have minus points still she accepted you as her dil even though your parents had cut contacts with you completely. Past is past and please let it go of your Mil's issue for the sake of your peace of mind. Focus on rebuilding healthy relationship with your husband how you were so close and happy before marriage. Try to make your husband and daughter attach to each other and make peaceful atmosphere at home with support of your husband. Concentrate on your career and never think of quit from job. It's not good to bring a baby when you are going through stressful and unhappy phase. So, please postpone of thinking second baby until your husband happily ready for it. All the best!