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Am Hurt! Is Everything Just A Women’s Job!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BeingSoulful, Dec 11, 2023.

  1. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

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    Long post alert!!! Seeking support & thoughts!!

    I have been married for 8.5 years and have an almost 4.5 year old daughter. Our marriage was strained for many reasons after a kid - Living in US without much help or support system, it was hard. During the newborn phase his mother travelled to help since my parents cut off all contact after our wedding since it was a love marriage (we dint date but were close friends at time & knew each other for 5years). I still can’t think of those times without the feeling of anxiety & frustration. His mother has never treated me right and part of the problem is that my husband thinks it’s totally normally for elders to be noisy in their kids lives and grandkids upbringing. ( I am ok with a well meaning advice or help but what his mother tried to do was basically replace me by forcing me to give formula to baby or take away a month old baby at night so she (MIL)could bottle feed when we were struggling with so hard with breastfeeding, and this list can go on & his mother never once considered what I was going through as a new mom & returned to India in 3months so it was all just us). We were stuck in India for 8 months during covid and I had to see hell because of his mother. All of this really damaged our relationship as a couple. Most difficult 2 years of our marriage.

    When we returned to US, within a few months we had a huge fight because of his mom, where he asked me to leave the house and said leave the baby and GO! That incident shook me completely - lots of tears & drama & apology came along. But I decided to go back to work, focus on saving up for a rainy day if things get worse between us. As time passed we have healed, but being busy with a full time job, toddler, every single chore related to the house. I used to be exhausted & still am. He would only want to get physical without any emotional connection & I would restrain, reject and tell him he was only interested in a physical connection nothing beyond like resolving our issues. It took 2 years to work through a lot of issues and to almost overlook my MIL’s behavior. I still hardly interact with her and that’s still an issue sometimes. But he knows what I feel about his mother.

    My BIL is going through a divorce & my SIL went through worse than me. Despite all this, my husband still fails to see or acknowledge there could be something wrong on our side too. (Story for another time)

    Current situation- I have been talking about having another kid for last year or so. Mentioned it once 1.5 years ago and he seemed ok with it but every time kept pushing it with different reasons - project, enrolling in new course, upcoming trips and so on. 2 months ago I had it- decided to ask him. He was very casual and said yes we ll try but we missed the window blah blah!

    Ok this month when the timing was right, he backed out & started piling up things from past on how I dint entertain him for 3 years after kid was born, how am always thinking only kid and not him, how my daughter is very attached to me but not him & then he said he’s not convinced to have another baby after everything we went through with first, he says if you quit your job we can think of another.

    Some of things he pointed today ( how it’s already very hectic and our daughter is not well managed because I am always either working or cooking or doing something else) was mostly around his lack of trust that I can manage a kid, new baby, job & household. Not once, he said let’s do this together & support each other throughout. I went through tough times with him, fought for our relationship at its weakest times & I feel like he doesn’t even see what I see.

    I have always wanted more than one kid. I want this family & my daughter to have a sibling to share this life with. I am hurt with his words, confused and also questioning the time & energy spent in resolving so much.

    Would love to hear your thoughts!
    iyerviji likes this.

  2. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    I am sorry to be blunt but if you bring another baby is already strained relationship your problems will get worst and worst. Think can you take care of two kids alone including their education, daycare expenses etc. I have gone through similar problems. My health got worst after second delivery and I almost became handicapped. I continued job, hired babysitters and juggled lot because of health problems, job, kids, no help from anyone. If I can go back in time I will not think about second baby. Try to focus on your child and restoring your marriage and your health for now.
    messedup likes this.
  3. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    If you have plans to have kid remove any help from husband and see if financially you can manage with helper .
    or daycare. Don't quit your job. Don't expect any emotional connect from husband.
  4. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Gold IL'ite

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    i think for all women the mindset is the same. I have a hopeless marriage and still tryign for a child and going thru ivf.
    I know I want a kid so desperately and have so much love to give. but I think I am blindsided by a "have to have a child" mentality of us indian woman.
    You are a step ahead that "you have to have 2 kids" to define ourselves as a "settled" family or whatsoever.
    that married, two children is a settled feeling. I get it.
    Just ensure you have a financial setting and a support system to take care of the kids and you also.
    The way he said to you to leave your job and tht you cant take care of another child and that this child is not well cared for and he doesnt have intimacy other than child bearing sex is all so insanely irresponsible. He thinks he is an 8 year old or what?????
    That is perhaps just another way of telling you to take care of the second baby also all by yourself.
    And you need a job for your own sanity.
    Bottom line is that you have to resign to have a second baby. But you have to go back to work as soon as you have the baby because the hubby does not seem to care enough. Or maybe he bring his mom again to "take care" of the child. Or might ask you to patch up with your parents for support.

    Any angle seems more headache to you.
    But if there is a chance you can take a sabbatical leave of a year or so, then maybe you can have the baby and also be financially secure to take care of the kids or hire help without his support.

    Maybe you just need a mom to take care of you for a while (that seems long shot in your case)
    shreepriya likes this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    "He wouldonly want to get physical without any emotional connection & I would restrain, reject and tell him he was only interested in a physical connection nothing beyond like resolving our issues."
    I know its tough, but these rejection, is a recipe for disaster. Go for it if you enjoy the act. Thats the way men connect - one dept MIL cant compete. Sleep in the same bed evenif you have problems.

    I think its better to take a break from this baby making project. Focus on your health- physical, emotional and psychological. Focus on career and making every thing in order. Focus on reconnecting with H. Avoid any talk on MIL or baby. Let him wonder. If you cant connect, detach and consider baby as a future project, avoid conflicts,argument s, fights, create a peaceful atmosphere. See if you can manage everything yourself.

    Never ever give up your job as it give control of your life to others. Manage your money yourself . Explore ways your can manage kids by seeking help from day care ( in USA they accept even new born babies, my kids started going there when they were 8 months) or how much leave you can take post pregnacy. You need financial independence to get help. Your elder one is only 3yrs. Not easy to manage two kids at the same time without a good support system.

    You should be ready and peaceful for it. In this turbulent situation, its not good to bring a baby as it elevate problems/ stress. Dont chase your husband, he will pull away and keep controlling you. Give some time to make every thing in order. You need to plan your life and make it smooth before anything.Think practically.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2023
    Viswamitra and Mistt like this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, he is seeing many things differently.
    Consider this scenario: Over three years, a woman expresses her desire for intimacy, to be consistently rejected by her husband, who angrily and scornfully dismisses her need as purely physical, and says she has no interest in addressing their deeper relationship issues. Then, he decides he wants to have a second child and starts asking to be intimate whenever the timing is right for that month.

    Your husband is feeling like the woman would feel in the above situation.

    Further, he sees each past event differently. He thinks his mother at least came to help you guys. His mother stayed for three months. He is saying interference from in-laws is normal. He is not saying you have to blindly follow what she says. You are glossing over your parents cutting off all contact and not even relenting when grandchild is born. Most likely he has faced comments about your parents from his relatives.

    From his POV, you started to work when you wanted to, you want another child when you want to. You want him to say "let’s do this together & support each other throughout." He wants you to say "your mother interferes but at least your parents supported us in the wedding, at least she came and stayed for 3 months."

    Your DD is 4.5 yrs old, and you are prolly starting to also worry about the age difference between her and second child. But right now, you have to take a pause from the baby project. Focus on the things DDream has said in the post above this.

    Also, stop bringing up the past actions of his mother. Stop forcing him to see how wrong she was. And, stop discussing his mother's role in the BIL's divorce. You want a second child real bad. So, you have to avoid talking certain topics with your husband.

    That is one of the saddest realities - we women fight for our relationship and expect recognition and validation for those efforts, while we disregard that we are fighting with husband for the relationship.
    Viswamitra, sociallifein30s and Mistt like this.
  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    I tried my best to stay away from this thread but couldn't as I felt it is important to presence a man's perspective. I am glad some of the women ILites above thought through from the men's perspective.

    Frankly, you have labeled your husband as the cause for your MIL problem. You can't blame your husband for your problem with MIL. Your MIL is a problem based on what you said about separating your child from you earlier. You can communicate your MIL issues with your husband and that should not be to isolate him from your own family. Please do not combine your BIL's divorce with that of your problem as each couple might have different issues. You are not living with your MIL at this point.

    In my view, your husband likes to keep his mother's problem away from your cordial relationship, wants you to be close to him and his children to be affectionate to him. This is normal expectation in my view. If I were you, I would work more in building my relationship with my husband even before I think of adding another child to my family. If a child needs to be happy in future, it should be born in mutual love of his/her parents. The mind not only have powerful impact on us but on others also including an unborn child.

    There are no winners and losers in a fight between a husband and wife. If they have a cordial relationship, both are winners but if their relationship is strained, both are losers. It doesn't matter who takes the first step to strengthen the relationship but what matters is how happy the family is. You should have a frank talk with him telling that he is not responsible for what you have encountered with his mother and your indifference is due to stress in work/life balance all these years. Encourage your child to spend exclusive time with her father.

    I wish you the best in building a cordial relationship with your husband and lead a peaceful family life.
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2023
    Mistt likes this.
  8. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi @BeingSoulful,
    Ddream, Rihana, and Viswa Sir had given great suggestions for you. I thought you would re consider your perspective when you read more views that's why posting my opinion here. Your Mil might have minus points still she accepted you as her dil even though your parents had cut contacts with you completely. Past is past and please let it go of your Mil's issue for the sake of your peace of mind. Focus on rebuilding healthy relationship with your husband how you were so close and happy before marriage. Try to make your husband and daughter attach to each other and make peaceful atmosphere at home with support of your husband. Concentrate on your career and never think of quit from job. It's not good to bring a baby when you are going through stressful and unhappy phase. So, please postpone of thinking second baby until your husband happily ready for it. All the best!
    Viswamitra likes this.

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