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Always Care Taker Of Some One?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Reesha, Oct 20, 2020.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    As heading specified i & my husband became life long care takers, investors, managers from last 10 yrs and now we are upset because this is the not the life which we dreamed.

    I and my husband got arranged marriage. From 3rd month onwards my inlaws joined with us which i didnt expect. but some how i accepted my fate with their burden because they are diabetic patients who require timely fresh food. so from last past 10 yr i am fighting myself not to show my angry on them. but some how i conveyed my husband about my energy lost to manage their diet even with maids. because i had 2 small kids and software job which require more focus.

    Due to my In-laws i got disturbed a lot emotionally during first pregnancy and my first kid is not so healthy born due to that. so in between we are running into hospitals regularly to solve his health problems. after that my second prgenacy, then my piles operation so on...things got continued.

    There is no empty month in our life with out visiting/buying medicals. I am fed up with these care taker job really.

    Now after some time, my kid health got stabilized bit and i changed house as well as new job. So we thought to start new happy life again even my - in laws are with us and i dont want to care them now. left to my husband and made sure that they are his job and not mine...

    Ok,,,God listened my word seems to be...he assigned breast cancer to my mother now and allotted me as care taker again.

    Me and my husband not even get 1 month free time to enjoy our selves in last 10 yrs due to Security job of his parents and now mines...

    I hired bunch of maids to manage these heavy responsibilities and i & husband are financing maids cum family. We not even brought new clothes for ourselves from last 3 years. every penny goes to savings or monthly medical cum house management.

    But My in-laws are always loose talk towards maids tiny mistakes so due to them, i changed more than10+ maids in last 10 years and lot of arguments happend between them and me about that maids ..Now i started live with my mother who came for treatment in same city in different house..and she also not able to adjust with maids and always complaining.

    i can understand maids will not perform 100% perfect, but with out maids i will became sick with all over responsibilities. They are not understanding that point that how tuff it is for me with out maids.

    I want to shout on them like.."it is my family.. It's my house.....please leave..dont control /influence any more in to my family management" to my In-laws as well as parents. Told them that "Its my style manage family not yours".(they are not changing their behaviour towards maids). but i am not able to shoute...because they are blaming me that i am shouting because they are old and patients.

    When i will get free life ? How long i should underneath of parents/in-laws direction with name of etihics? No more enjoyment in life ...only responsibilities and duties.

    even no one take care of my kids..all are patients all time...dont have energy to help us at any cost...

    Coming to siblings of my Husband, one is in out of country who didnt even think of his parents while leaving INDIA, and daughter is housewife in some other city who enjoys her lonely family life with out thinking of her parents.

    Coming to my brother, he is also irresponsible nature and i scolded all times. But he dont want to change his kiddish nature and my parents also supporting him because he is unmarried.

    Finally Me and my husband are suffering with both side parents care and loosing our married life. we never went to single trip from last 3 years because my FIL may get shivering any time at night..Now my husband also not able to come to my place due that reason...i am not able to go to his place because need to care cancer mother.

    i am tired ladies...:pensive:
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2020
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  2. Giri12

    Giri12 Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear about ur condition. But some time or other everybody faces such bad phase in life. Just stay focused and dnt loose ur patience. Try to maintain good health of urself first and then care for others. Due to corona now anyways we cannot go out for trips. Be calm n stable. I know its difficult but still have hopes that situation will change. Whenever u get time with husband try to talk on past good memories ur journey together ur dreams. Use this time to plan some future trips. Watch films listen to songs. Do pamper urself with all good fav things. Take care.
     
  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    My life is also very much like this- and Im fed up of people's abuse. I feel disillusioned how family members can be so ungrateful and abusive after we sacrifice our lives for them - esp my inlaws. My precious prime years were wasted in problems and taking care of everyone else .
     
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    My sympathies to you, OP..but you won’t get any relief unless you compel your and you’re husbands sibling s tonight take turns to care for respective parents...you’ll end up with resentment..
    Unless you forcefulLy hand over responsibilities to others and get a break you’ll be physically and mentally exhausted...
     
  5. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    yeh
    yes, i can understand this. But until now i am managing better relationship with SIL, and for BIL...there is no chance to take PIL's to foreign country. Due to covid, my husband also afraid to take them out in transport.

    They (PIL & SIL) knew that i got exhausted with these setup. But they are not moving out of my house even for 3-4 months by showing silly reasons like COVID , Not good idea to stay at daughters house for long so on...
     
  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I know it is extremely difficult to make the siblings take their fair share of responsibility- when obviously you are drowning. I pray u find some solution.
     
  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    WHen daughters can get equal share of property from parents, can’t they take equal responsibility of parents..u tell clearly that you’re unwell...do not go out of the way to make fresh food for them, let them eat regular stuffs that you all eat with small modifications like lesser rice and more salads etc...instead of rice they can keep little Dalia or Millet and have with dal...being diabetic doesn’t mean being treated like king and queen...I know other diabetic patients who do so much exercise to manage their sugar levels and eat healthy...not all of them have care takers...in fact regular exercise and diet is needed to manage..not bed rest and being waited on hand to foot...
    You brothers needs to step up and care for his mom who has cancer...how shameless is he that in spite of being unmarried with no other responsibilities he shies away from his duties...
    Why are your parents scared of taking his help...while u with two kids, aged in-laws am I two kids have to do hundred percent...
    You do so much for them that’s why the in laws stay...they know the won’t get the care elsewhere...unless you throw a fuss, lie down when youre unwell and make your needs known clearly, you’ll be in a bad state later on...either by they need to adjust with maids, else they need to do the work themselves...I know some of my relatives who have really stubborn in laws living with them, they adjust with all rules and food demands of them and even they themselves being in forties and fifties and sixties and having health issues, have to look after the demands of in laws...they themselves become very unwell and not able to look after themselves... so take care and make it compulsory to divide responsibilities..a firm no even if it leads to fights , is required...
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    So true, don't know when people will realise. Today's inlaws want to get the DIL's parents' property in the name of equal rights, and then ask her to abandon her old age parents in the name of tradition. But the worst are those daughters who are ready to take everything and not look back- especially those for whom big weddings with huge "gifts" conducted and debts taken which ultimately falls on bro's head. For responsibilities, they only point to DIL.

    @Reesha, if nothing you can definitely show them mirror regarding their inheritance to rouse their conscience to care for their parents and not give excuses. I have never understood such sons and daughters who abandon their parents after getting everything- that too during cancer.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2020
    Needtobestrong likes this.
  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Agree,
    Also OP’s mother being a cancer patient would be somewhat immune compromised and needs extra care during this Covid situation..it’s very upsetting to imagine an unmarried son neglecting his ill mother during this time.
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  10. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Reesha, what does your husband think about his sister not taking responsibility.
     

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