all the ladies in an orthodox,abusive ILs__pls post your views

1dropLove · Apr 26, 2010

Ive observed this in most of the threads that a lot of us are in an abusive marriage.All of us have different lives and different problems but most of the issues revolve around controlling in-laws and DH.
Why do we still feel that our DH loves us.I keep feeling that he loves me a lot but just that his love is hidden beneath a lot of layers which only time would remove gradually.Why do we not stand up for ourselves,why do we fear that if i say this thing or go against anyone,I might lose DHs love and trust when it is not there at all...
I want all the experienced ladies who have experienced this (v conservative,controlling in-laws and a DH who'd only be rude no matter what,his actions depend heavily on how your in-laws view you.). to come up and shed a light.

ShilpaMa · Apr 27, 2010

1drop an avg indian lady feels that way cos marriage is a life time affair.
Now if you weren't in love earlier or dint get a chance to see the love any earlier years of married life (arranged marr) then you keep waiting for it in this marriage until your self respecte is battered beyond repairs... emotionally/ physically.

I would reteriate a successful indian marriage requires following combination:
1) Full understanding & cooperation between MIL/FIL & DIL.
2) If not above then a DH who shall support you irrespective of all issues.
3) A lovey dovey family full of all nice people.

Those who get 2,3 feel that the people who fall in category 1 had some fault of theirs whereas the truth is they were not lucky enough.

svb · Apr 27, 2010

Hi 1droplove,

I like your login id...
Now man I am from an arya samaji background , that is we do not confuse in rituals and religion. we do not follow superstitions. We are very forward sect...Now...
My inlaws are totally oppposite... love marriage you know...
I am thinking whether I should I write down my experiences ... ;-) They are tooooo long may be the whole hard disk at Indus ladies will get filled ;-)

I think better is , tell what do you face ... I will try giving solution to that ... I can write a book on that .. Something like SVB's 101 magic tricks... he he he...

svb · Apr 27, 2010

Okay some general rules .Your MIL is like mine...OKAY ...exactly.....
Looks like u are having kids/kid.

Tell you husband
1) can he follow all the funny orthodox rules.If he can only then you will follow
2) Ask:why everybody else decides what you have to wear ,eat do etc etc... why cant u decided everything for yourself. You are an adult , just tell these are all old beliefs and doesn't fit in new society.
3) Daily subtly give him examples of modernism in his friends families/ or even any modern relative and their social thinking as examples.
4)try getting into a job
5)Simply say you do not believe in orthodox beliefs

I went thru all this and tried with above solutions ... Now I have stopped talking to my Inlaws as they got abusive towards me and my parents, only on festivals i wish them... My husband has finally after 5 yrs come to an acceptance that I have my own rights as long as I am not immorally behaving , as he knows I am a very responsible person.
another thing that helped was counselling without his awareness and the counsellor(who I introduced as a friend in a out of home location) questioned straight many things which he was not able to answer and finally felt he was being too selfish in murdering all my feelings, emotions , way of living and my wishes...