Again the same old thing

apar_ram · Feb 6, 2010

Dear GS,
I see that all the IL's have given wonderful advise to you. My main piece of advice would be, because you dont want the divorce you need to take a stance at sustaining your marriage. Sit down to talk with your husband and let him know that you have put a hold on your MBA and would like to work on your marriage( yes it will be like giving him the victory, but wait). If he really does agree to tear out your divorce papers and work on the marriage. Ask him to accompany you to a marriage counselor, once you get this established, Call your college and explain that you have a family emergency and would like to put it your course on hold. Take your time to firm up your relationship for a year or more if needed. And finally when you do have the confidence in your husband's demeanor open up your MBA dreams and this time explain to him you want to do it in your( dh and your) money and not your dad's. Please let your dad know that you will not be needing his money to continue your MBA. [ again you have to do this only when you have your confidence in your husband].
If the initial talks fail and you are unable to get through your message of working to sustain the marriage. Please do not drop out of your MBA. If he continues to go to an attorney and follows court proceedings. Talk to the counselling department in your college to see how your H4 can be converted to a F1. Explain your situation and ask for student assistantship which will help you get tuition waivers, you can then use the money from your dad to find an apartment etc.
You need to plan for both scenarios. Be strong at the same time dont be too egotistical, if you see any ray of hope that you can live with this man for decades together dont lose out on a lifetime of happiness for your ego. once again dont get your dad involved if he is short tempered too. His interference is probably one of the main factors leading to the problems in your life. I understand your point completely in pursuing your studies. But it can be done at any time in this country and right now if you really want to stay married you need all your energy in that space.
Plan a romantic dinner and cook all your husband's favorite and surprise him. Dress confindently, throw out your inhibitions and since you want a fighting chance in your marriage go for it!!!
Good luck,
Aparna

GoodSense · Feb 6, 2010

@Srividya75,

Thanks again for coming up so promptly. You are really insightful, you see things that are not clearly mentioned!!

Yes, vindictive nature is hard to overcome..Unless he realizes what he is doing, there is nothing I can do from my side.

You are right, if he files, I have to respond to the petition. And there is nothing I can contest, except the alimony amount. I don't want to part with acrimony/mudslinging and leave a bad taste in the mouth. Whatever happens, like you said, I should let the past go and move on.

True, when he has to look for another spouse, he will have to cook up a story as to why his first marriage failed, and I have no doubts that he will paint a rosy picture of himself and a black-as-coal picture of me. What to do? Life's like that..I hope I don't fall into the same habit and portray myself as a saint in future...

Thanks again, you really rock!!

GoodSense · Feb 6, 2010

@Apar_ram,

Thank you once again! Your advice makes a lot of sense. I need to evaluate all the possible scenarios in front of me and prepare for each of them.

Like you said, first concentrate on getting through to my husband. I would like to sit down and have a long conversation without flying off the handle. For that to happen, both of us need to calm down and keep divorce out of the picture for some time. If needs be, I can drop out of college till August without them taking me off their records.

Once he is calm enough and I am able to talk to him without triggering some reaction, I can suggest counseling. If counseling doesn't work, or he refuses to come to it, then I have to be patient and see if I am able to continue living like this..

Of course, I will have to broach the subject of MBA again with him, and that can happen only if he is ready to stay in the marriage...dicey situation...I hope I am able to handle it.

Otherwise, if he doesn't see reason at all, and files for divorce, I really have to convert to student visa, not right now, but after the semester. Because the sem ends in first week of May, and I don't need to take classes till August next. Till that time I can go back to India and see if I really want to come back and be a student here, or look for a job in India and try to pick up my life.

Whatever happens, I hope it is for the best. Thanks again, really value your help..

Priya16 · Feb 6, 2010

GS,

Believe it or not, for men to get married again they don't even have to give any reasoning. They would just get wife. That’s true.

But for you to get another partner, unless it's very board minded person the other person would definitely bring about your marriage whenever you have disagreements.

So either way you will have some pain. But think about which pain is better? I know based on your both of your ages, your blood still be young. But with the time and age people go down quite a bit.

Do you have any other place to stay? I believe if you could move to some other place then your husband may get little soft. As long as he see in front of his eyes then he may not able realize what he is doing.

I do strongly recommend counseling. But I don’t know do you get any counseling person who can understand your backgrounds and see though things .

rosegirl · Feb 6, 2010

Of course, I will have to broach the subject of MBA again with him, and that can happen only if he is ready to stay in the marriage...dicey situation...I hope I am able to handle it.

I don't understand why you need to bring MBA in this conversation. You clearly know that triggers animosity in him and rakes up the past events, why would you want to bring it up.

You can put it in a simple and straight forward way as to "I will totally drop my MBA and work on the marriage and you have to promise that you will never bring up divorce in the future and work on the marriage. If either of us break the promise, the other person is free to do what they please."

I seriously feel that you want to have the cake and eat it too. Please drop your MBA, your obsession for MBA annoys even a third person like me and I can imagine how it is for your spouse.

RadiantCat · Feb 6, 2010

GS, you need a husband that is submissive and extremely sober at home but aggressive outside. He would not stop you from doing what you want and you will be a good wife to him in every sense.

Sorry, if I am judging you in a forum, but the personality trait that you have built over the years cannot be changed.

Your husband needs a wife who does not have great aspirations who pleases him first and then takes care of her wishes. She should think several times before she voices her desires and needs to be a bit manipulative too if she wants to get her things done.

In your case, you have been upfront and don't want to give up the battle. He doesn't like to be challenged. The way your parents support you, his parents will support him. You cannot expect his parents to support you.

If you don't come out today, you will eventually come out later. If you want the marriage to work, you must change yourself completely and I don't think that will happen.

GoodSense · Feb 6, 2010

@Priya16,

True, it is much easier for him to move on than it is for me. He has his job, his family, and any girl will gladly marry someone like him.
I on the other hand, will have nothing except my parents' support. I have to face our Indian society, start from scratch in my career after 3+ years of staying at home.

I don't have any place to stay except at his family friends' house. During a big fight last year, this family friend had taken me to his place and tried to sort things out. It worked for some time, then the same old thing happened. And if I go off on my own, my husband is never going to contact me. I have seen this happen (when I went to India) so I will never leave the house voluntarily.

GoodSense · Feb 6, 2010

@Rosegirl,

I mean that I will bring up the MBA issue sometime in the future - maybe 5-10 years down the line(if we are still married, of course).

By that time, there should be kids in the picture (hopefully) and they would be in school...so I should be able to pursue some of my ambitions.

Please understand, I just cannot be a lifelong housewife. I put my heart and soul into my studies, every time. At the same time, I am not neglecting my household. True, the happiest women are those who are happy to stay at home. I am not one of them, and I made this clear to my husband 3 years ago, before we got married. I am not guilty of misrepresenting myself just to get married.

If I can't do MBA, fine. Can't I do something else? In science or literature or something that gives me the satisfaction of putting my brain to use. I can of course, use all my brain power to cook various recipes or knit or sew or make some craftwork. But that is not what I want to do with my life.

I don't know if it makes sense, but I feel extremely constrained - I feel I am living with someone who belongs to another generation and can't understand why women even want anything in life apart from a good husband who brings in food.

GoodSense · Feb 6, 2010

@CanWait,

I never wanted someone submissive as a husband - in fact, what I liked about him was his self-confidence. But it too easily borders on arrogance, which I realized later in marriage.

I just want him to keep vengeance and ego out of this marriage. So many things have been said by him too, I can also keep bringing them up at every opportunity...but I don't do it because I don't believe it is right to do so.

Does my husband see right and wrong, or does he just think - she is not bringing it up because I was right in what I did?

I can't expect any sort of support from inlaws now. They supported me initially - they tried to convince my husband that there is nothing wrong with me studying. But now they have given up, they say they don't want to antagonise their son.

Tell me, if you want to study something in life, is it not worth standing up for it? My FIL didn't want my husband to come to USA for his master's. He wanted him to join his business. My husband didn't heed his wishes, and came here. Now I am not heeding my husband's orders, so I am guilty of a great marital crime?

rosegirl · Feb 6, 2010

Bringing up MBA after 5 years is upto you, but dont even think of it now. By 5 years you will know your husband's mind in and out and you will know exactly if you can bring up MBA or not.

Just like Cantwait said, if you want to make this marriage work, you both need to change, he wont change first. If you drop your ego and change first, then there is a little hope. So first thing is call the college staff and pull yourself out of MBA.

Then start the peace process with your husband. No use talking to him when you are still doing MBA. My guess is he will never hear you out.

I totally agree with your thought of enriching our brain at all stages of life. See all the threads I opened, you will get an idea. I am doing PMP course, planning a java and oracle class and thinking of MBA myself. But all these after discussing with DH and we both took a joint decision. Not at the risk of losing my marriage.

goodluck.