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Again the same old thing

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by GoodSense, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    Friends,

    A month ago I came here seeking advice on maintenance. If you remember, I had asked for INR 25000 per month, hoping it would be enough to live in India.
    A lot of you had advised me to lay low and wait and watch, and sure enough, things had sorted out and we had a great time for a month.

    And then college reopened for Spring semester, late in January. From past experience, I had a premonition that it would not be easy to talk to my husband about it. For 2 weeks I agonised over the issue of telling him. I would get nightmares in which I would be telling him and he would explode. Mind you, by telling him I was only going to request that he drop me to class, nothing more. All the financial requirements I had made separately.

    Due to this fear, I didn't tell him till the final weekend of the holidays. We were just lazing around on a Saturday, and I just casually dropped a word that classes are starting the next week. Sure enough, his entire mood changed. He became silent. I didn't say anything, hoping he would come out of it. He went out, came back after a few hours, and grimly asked me to sit down - he had something to say to me.

    My heart was pounding. He asked me the same question he has asked every time we fight - What are your future plans? As calmly as I could, I told him that I will attend college at the rate of 1 (or maximum 2) courses per semester, and at the same time try for a job, and at the end of this semester, start planning for a family.

    I don't exactly remember what started him off, but a while later, he gave me the ultimatum - drop your MBA. I asked him why. He said, you and your family have manipulated me enough. I said I would like to continue atleast with 1 course a sem. He said, it is either your MBA or this marriage. By this time I was also riled up, and I said fine. I choose the MBA.

    A war of words ensued and this time he actually went on to Legalzoom.com and filled up divorce documents. At the time, I didn't bother to stop him. But later when he showed me the receipt, I asked if it was right of him to do this in a moment of anger. He said, when I asked you if you wanted divorce, you didn't refuse. Now pay the price. I pleaded with him, told him I'll give up MBA, etc. He didn't budge. 3 weeks passed. He doesn't talk to me, doesn't eat anything I prepare, and sleeps separately. But he picks me up and drops me to college, 1 day a week.

    In these 3 weeks, I have tried reasoning with him. I reminded him that we were happy till I mentioned this college restarting thing. He refuses to consider that, says we have had too many fights and we cannot reconcile. I suggested marital counseling, he says he doesn't want to salvage the marriage.

    The documents(for an uncontested divorce) have arrived now. He is now pressurizing me to sign them in the presence of a notary. I told him I don't want this. He says if I don't sign, he will file for divorce with an attorney's help.

    Just now I had another reasoning bout. It always ends with me in tears and him treating me to the choicest abuses. "If you don't sign, you can't stay in my house. Get out of here." "What does your father say, does he think I can't keep my word?" "I have wasted 3 years of my life with you" "Go marry someone else before you become infertile".

    With all this, I just kept quiet. If I say anything it escalates. But all these are too hurtful to hear. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but it really tears me apart.

    My stand is that just because I didn't tell him well in advance that college is starting, he feels I am taking him for a ride. But I was afraid to talk to him about it. I have told him that.

    Is this a matter serious enough to get a divorce over? I feel he is just trying to punish me. Right now it seems like a good idea, I'm sure. Sometimes I too feel I will be happier without fearing his every word...
    But at other times I remember the good times we've had, and I will definitely miss him if we are to part.

    I know I don't sound rational at this point, but I am just a sad woman pouring her heart out here. All I know is that I don't want a divorce. Yet, I know that in this country, divorce is easy as snapping your fingers.

    And what particularly saddens me is that he chooses to remember only what I've done wrong - "came back from India against my wishes" "Got your family to pressurize me into letting you do your MBA" "Dares to talk back to me"

    Last month he had a cyst on his back that had to be removed due to infection. Twice a day I cleaned and bandaged it. At that time I was good enough to be in his house. Now that he doesn't need anything from me, divorce is the best option?

    I have tried to understand this 'male ego' which seems to overshadow everything else. He can say anything that hurts me or is untrue, but if I answer back, I am hurting his male ego, so I deserve whatever punishment he doles out? What kind of humanity is this?
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
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  2. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    GS, I was thinking about you today. I don't know for what; aleluya! here I read your post.

    I still reiterate my earlier response. What do you want? MBA / marriage? If you have a lovable husband that meets your expectations on a majority of the areas, you should perhaps think about postponing MBA. Contrarily, if you have major issues in marriage per se, like other women in this forum, it is just not worth continuing.

    You should by now know what are the major and minor issues you have. You should eventually conclude on the acceptance, and adjustment areas and for whatever you are doing whether you are adequately rewarded. If you at anytime feel that you are only a door mat, before your esteem is destroyed you must walk-out.
     
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    GS,

    Sorry to hear this news from you. Believe it or not the way you look things are far different from the man look at things.
    In my first year of marriage, my husband learnt me some driving ,you know as usual husbands can't teach you with peace and then I took some driving class. I don't remember exactly what I told my husband, I think I told him that guy taught me in cool manner something like that. He got pissed off so much you can't even believe it. Even today I don't see any wrong doing it.
    So with your whole MBA and your dad sponsoring all this your husband really pissed off. I am sure you don't see any problem with it but your husband does.
    If women had issues with MIL, she will just only nag and nag but if men had issues with FIL then the situation is different.
    So my advise MBA is not an priority at this point. In this country at any point you can find the jobs. It’s not a big deal. I know you are capable of finding the job, so don't worry much on MBA.
    Next class, don’t get ready and just stay in the home and see how it goes.
    I believe at this point, I don't see any point of ruining you life with MBA.
    I know he promised everything but something triggered him and you can't change him until he will voluntarily agree for himself.

    Just my 2C.
     
  4. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Goodsense, no one will go and file for divorce just on one issue, even though you felt that after that fight he went on legalzoom and filled the papers and all, and you started pleading and he is still dropping you to college. there are two things, one he wants to keep very tight control on you or second he is really fed up and this incidence has caused him to give up almost 98%, if you reconcile now, it will be of no use as any future arguments will complete the process, its of no use salvaging a marriage when a person is almost decided of divorce, salvaging happens when none of them want divorce but want things to work out....both have to work towards it....

    Hope things work out for you either way
     
  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't know how the divorce works here.Can he just get documetns from legalZoom and get the divorce?If she didn't sign and if he hires the lawyer,tpically they will ask for the reason right.Is any reason should be ok and he can get divorce without other person approval?

    I beleive this is all more of a controlling act than anything else.
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Tridev

    Yep I was waiting to see a mans point of view on this!! because I totally agree with you...and I was also thinking on similar lines...


    GS

    Think that this time you quit MBA and stay back home he would calm down. But what if next time he raises another point and again you are put in this situation...what would you do?? Isnt it like walking on egg shells where you dont know what would upset your husband? when he might just send divorce papers?

    You know very well how he had left you at airport iwth one way ticket to India..I asked you this question, why did you come back without he asking you to come back. you just showed up at his door which was not right!! This is the wrong decision you have made..you might have thought you are saving your marriage. But unless the other person is also interested and puts effort into it ...it cant be saved! Whatever disagreements he has with your parents/with you, can be discussed and resolved but is he ready to do it?? doesnt look so...

    My opinion, your husband has temper problems and needs attitude adjustment.

    A couple should be able to accomodate each others interests and dreams, it shouldnt be either yours or mine kind of situation...You are not ready to give up MBA (for whatever your reasons are...) he is not ready to accomodate your interest (no matter how many ever adjustments you make)...does it sound like a situation which can be fixed??

    Bottom line, your marriage seems like a one way street to me. Its all about your husband and only about him. If he doesnt like anything you have to STOP. Today it might be MBA, tomorrow it might be something else which you dearly want...So would you be interested to be a NOBODY with NO say in this marriage?? and Yes pls absolutely NO SAY . Think about it.

    Having said that, dont attend the first day of your school and see what is his reaction! just make a call and tell the admissions dept that you got some emergency and want to postpone the semester or take leave etc..and sort out this thing.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  7. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    SriVidya, I did not had that earlier background of OP, after reading your post, I feel, OP is wasting her time, this marriage cannot be salvaged, no matter what, her DH dropping her at the airport and she coming with a one way ticket back,without being called ? I know many women want to do this, to save their marriage, but it is not going to work that way, it will show that one is weak and other is powerful. whereas both have to be on same page.

    Now come today , despite what happened in past, OP is going through the same phase of Divorce sword on her neck every now and then...

    OP, this is nothing but domination , your DH is trying to dominate you ....and he wont budge as some personalities are like that, some men suffer from dominating wives and most of the times women suffer from dominating husbands. For both genders domination is worst thing to happen in marriage....You have to gather some courage, if you are in US and have Green card or USC, and if he wanting you to sign papers, he has to pay you maintenance if you are not working, if you are working then good, no need for maintenenace, if you dont have kid then more good to settle the score now and itself
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  8. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Goodsense I am sorry to hear about your husband's latest escapades. It's really above and beyond what normal sane behavior is. And you are a saint for still wanting to go on with marriage after this.

    If I were you I'd document each and every thing he did, and then pack your bags and have them ready by the door. When he comes home, ask him if he is serious about a divorce and is he says yes just walk out of the door. Tell him you will be at such and such address for next 3 days incase he changes his mind and after that you will finalize the divorce from your side. (no need to give any more explanations).

    He needs to understand that you cannot hang the sword of divorce over someone's head and not mean it. If he is serious about the divorce, please give it to him. The man does not want to stay married to you, period. If he is using it as a means to control you, he needs to get over that illusion. and the only way that can happen is if you stop crying, apologizing, suppressing your desires and instead, be serious and mean business and give him a dose of his own medicine.

    Inform your parents of what has hapened and prepare them that you may either have to stay here on your own or come back to India.

    If he comes to his senses, all well and good, but if he does not, then my friend don't look back and move ahead with your life. Study, work, do whatever you want. As you have experienced, marriage is not the bed of roses in reality as in movies and sometimes, it is better to sleep alone!
     
  9. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Goodsense
    sorry about the latest happenings in your household.

    I think your dh is still very hurt about your dad paying for your MBA and you choosing MBA over him. I agree he is immature, egotistic and arrogant but I am guessing his pampered childhood and doting parents have fed his ego too much and now although he sounds decent, lovable etc on paper .. he is storing a lot of venom within because of your callous act.

    I am again saying this to you. MBA is not worthy enough to break a marriage. Please let it go and drop from the class and prove to him that you are interested in the marriage more than anything else. Just discontinue MBA and show him in reality instead of pleading with him. You are pushing him... He wants you to show that MBA is not what you want, all you want is him and his baby. Anybody will be offended if their spouse goes against them for a degree.

    I know everybody here wants you to walk out, but please remember a known devil is better than an unknown angel. What if the next partner has horrible inlaws or physically abuses you ??????

    Please save ur marriage. These are trivial issues that happens in this generation marriages. BOTH YOUR Egos is the cause.

    goodluck.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Rose

    Assume she had quit her MBA. Stayed at home, mothering babies...after few yrs down the line her dear hubby doesnt like her interacting with her parents/siblings...he asks her to choose either them or him??? so what is the option then??? moreover kids are also involved at that time...


    I understand both of them have made their mistakes...but atleast there should be a middleground to the whole situation isnt it??? asking anyone to choose either this or out is not the right way....

    Either she quits her MBA or not....this man wont apperciate anything she does for him now or in future...as his EGO is too big to let his wife have her dream or atleast have her say in anything...either in her life...or in this marriage...(already you can see how terrified she is, if she had to hide the school opening day from her husband...) what is the use if she cant even open her mouth??she has think about how hurt he would be everytime and when he would ask her to get out of the house...isnt it???

    Quitting on marriage or MBA is not just the solution..he has to explain why no MBA? and at the same she has to understand to stop involving her parents./their money in her marriage.

    do pour in your thoughts..I am just gambling with thoughts as there cant be just this or out situation to anything isnt it???
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010

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