After 35 years and turning from age 25 to 60 is India still your home country?

naazneen · Jul 19, 2007

Editor's Note: Dear Nazneen, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us on India, staying in the USA and on coming back to the home country. it has been chosen as the best of forums. Congratulations! For viewership by a larger audience we have it as an article here.

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Hello,
I am new to Indus Ladies and wanted to introduce myself. Born and brought up in India I have now (7 yrs ago) moved to the US as a result of marriage.
I have many interests, cooking, reading, just watching TV- alot of TV, gardening(when I know what to do).
Anyways I have been surfing the IL web pages for a month now and all this time I've been wondering which would be the appropriate place to put down my thoughts. My thoughts are more so questions posed to you'll because this is a community (also)of Indian women settled abroad coming from different ethnicities and age spans. Okay so here goes.
As I mentioned I have been in the US since 7 yrs due to marriage. These 7 yrs have not been easy. I was brought up with alot of family/friends in India. Here I have always felt lonely. At first people said give it a few years- marriage will help you make couple friends, studying will help, working will help and the latest was having a child will help you make "good" friends. This has not been true in my case. Don't get me wrong, I have made alot of acquaintences. We have a big group of couple friends we meet up with every other weekend. I am no longer working(because of my child and the "great greencard"process) so I am not as much in touch with work friends. The thing is with all these people its just superficial talk, not real intimacy and genuine friendship where you go shopping together or plan outings just to be with each other, like it used to be when we were younger in school or college(bachelors in india). For e.g . I recently went with my husband and daughter(15 months really cute) for a vacation to Europe. When I got back, there was no one other than my parents and FIL to call (in india) and discuss how our vacation was.
I seem to find myself thinking that this(lack of genuine friends) is so because I am trying to settle in a foreign country to me. I don't have that familiarity with the culture, the news, the sports, cuisine,or even simple things as entertaining my "american friends". I can't tell you how tense i get at the thought of entertaining any of my husbands "american" work colleagues. U know we bought our first formal dining set(wine glasses etc) when we had to invite his friends over. Every milestone of our marriage has been soo difficult to assimilate- getting into college, job, buying a house here(we had no clue) having a baby here. Sometomes its the small stuff not even the big stuff- like getting to know neighbours, finding playdates for my baby, trying to make indian khana just like in India. Let me tell you I live in a small town in NY, my husband isn't into organised religion and unfortuantely relations with the only family members here haven't been a source of comradrie(thats a whole other story) My parents don't like visiting the US. So other usual sources of making good friends through religion or family are'nt really open for me. You know I somethimes think godforbid if something horrible were to happen to all 3 of us(my husband,daughter and I) then noone would know for a week or 10 days, that to only because we would miss our weekend calls to India.
These things terrify me I am left wondering will it always be like that? will I always feel this alienation, this heartache for what life could have been like if I had married and stayed on in India- been close to my family and old friends. What if I am 55 yrs old and I still feel like this what a wasted life it will be....
So dear IL members, especially the ones who have lived and settled lives abroad please tell me truthfully how you'll feel. I have an aunt whom I spoke to before I got married. She was settled in the US after marriage and had 3 children(all very well educated) . She spent 35 years here, now she has returned back to settle down in India in her retirement years. I can't understand that. How can you go through as much adjusment, sacrifice , and then land up returning to your home country? after 35 years and turning from age 25 to 60 is India still your home country?

Thanks in advance for reading this
~ Naazneen.

Abha · Jul 19, 2007

Hi Nazneen

I can completely understand what you are going through. I came to US recently, almost 6 months or so... but i can also feel that i'm not able to connect to anybody... ya I know people, we have friends, but even i feel thats all on a very superficial level, it doesnt have depth... But I comfort myself with the fact that i dont have to stay here forever and will be back to my home country (believe me it really is the HOME) in sometime to come...

What i think is, its all in the mind. Those people who make their mind that they have to live abroad, for whatever reasons, are able to better adjust here and they would find everything good about this place... also its a matter of both the spouses mind set... lets say a husband wants to live abroad but the wife doesnt then there will be a constant discomfort...

I have no charm of living abroad, and my mind is made up such way that i always think of everything in those terms, like when we go to india we'll do this and that... and I keep finding faults in everything around here...:-D I know that i would be more satisfied living in India. So its all about how you feel and what would make you happy... and that is how we make decisions...

For me, India is the Home and will always be my home...

Anyways, We have many members here in IL who are permanently settled abroad or living abroad from a very long time, they would be able to give you a better perspective on this.

~Abha

raginiprakash · Jul 19, 2007

Hi Nazneen,

I'm glad u put ur thoughts here & u have raised some valid questions. I was surprised at the lack of responses since there are so many members who have left their home country & settled abroad since many years. Probably, most have overlooked this in the sea of new threads.

Anyways, coming back tour post, i can absolutely relate to your situation & your feelings since i've felt the same too from the time i came here a year ago.

I totally agree with Abha (not a surprise since we have similar views on this) it's a lot to do with your attitude & your state of mind. A lot of people have always dreamt of settling down in a foreign country & they come prepared in their mind that this is the best place to be & everything out here is good. Such people don't have any problems adjusting since they are convinced that this is the best.

The people who don't come with pre-conceived perceptions look at the country as it is & compare the foreign country with their home country.

Personally, for me India is home & i'm proud to belong there in spite of all it's imperfections. I'm here, like many others since marriage brought me here & i long to go back for good.

I too feel lonely here, without family & friends, though we have friends here, it's nothing like the friendships we formed back home & who have been friends in times of joys & sorrows. I feel we relate better to people who belong to the same culture, backgrounds that we have seen from childhood & which have formed impressions in our minds. No wonder then, that in spite of not knowing the faces behind the names here in IL, we are still able to relate to each other, that's b'coz we are Indian & we have a lot in common isn't it??

I too, like u have felt that god forbid if we fell sick, whom could we call upon for help. I remember an instance when i first came here, my husband was down with fever & we needed some medicines & though he was sick & there was a snow storm outside, he had to drive me to the pharmacy & i went to get the medicine.

Well, that's how life is out here, accept it or not, at least for me, don't know abt others, they might have different opinions.
Just hoping that some day in the near future i will go back to the country i love.

Cheers!
Ragini.

naazneen · Jul 20, 2007

Dear Abha/ Ragini,
Thank-you for sharing your thoughts. I agree it is a matter of mind
set. But thats just it, I was told the mind set will gradually change
if one invests oneself in the society in certain ways, studying,working
even having a baby.(all 3 of I have tried) Again i want to reitirate I
have made many,many acquaintences over these years. Many of them are
"americans" (i'm using this term losely) and many are desi americans.
Many have also been very nice. Yet, the intimacy where one can actually
put ones guard down is missing. There is always a void, or then that
moment may go well but the next time its like we're strangers again.
You're also right about the spouse mindset, my husband is very well attuned to the US culture. You know sometimes when we argue, I tell him he's always had something to do here- got done with college started work.
Anyways, I'mhoping that someone(perhaps I posted this message in the wrong subforum huh!-maybe should have put it under philosophy or snippets of life )
will answer this post who has spent more time than I have abroad. I really am terrified of feeling regret when I'm much older and its too late.

You guys are still very new to the country, I'm not sure if you've been back to
India since you first came. The ironic thing is over the years India
feels different too. Its like you're in a twilight zone. But hey, don't
mean to sound so depressed. from you're posts I can see that both of
you'll are in big cities. I don't know but I've heard its easier in big
cities. Hopefully assimilation will be easier on you'll.; In the
mean time, now you know my story so lets just explore online
friendships and please feel free to ask me any questions that I can
help with(with my 7 yr knowledge ) towards making the US more
familiar for you'll.
Thanks again guys ~~ Naazneen:2thumbsup:

Induslady · Jul 28, 2007

Friends,

This is one thread that is not going to make me sleep today. Just before our database crashed this morning, I believe this thread had about 18 or so responses. We seem to have lost the last 14 responses in this thread.

I was reading this thread with so much involvement. What wonderful words and thoughts were shared here. I have kicked myself so hard for what happened today. Sincerely apologize for loosing those wonderful words. Can we recreate that discussion here? Pretty please..

Malathy

Shobanag · Jul 28, 2007

Malathy - I am one who absolutely loved this discussion - since I get an email about new posts, I have some of the discussions that is in my deleted folder. I can send you those by separate email - if you wish. I do not have all of them - like an idiot, I cleared my delete folder just a couple of days ago. Let me know and I will be glad to send them your way if you think it will be useful.

May be the other ladies on this thread have their emails?? I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Shobana

Induslady · Jul 28, 2007

That's a great idea Shobana. This is an experiment that I haven't done before. So, lets try it.

Can you (and others who have those subscription emails) cut and paste the contents of the email and pm it to the poster of the message. The poster can then come in and post it here in the order in which it was originally posted?

So, who made the next post in this thread?

Shobanag · Jul 28, 2007

OK - I will PM the posts that I have - hopefully we can sort of recreate this!!

Shobana

Kamla · Jul 28, 2007

Good idea. I shall check my deleted items too and send the posts to the respective posters. Got the two you sent me Shoba, thanks. I guess I should wait for the right order though.

L, Kamla

naazneen · Jul 28, 2007

hello there!
Hey Kamla/shobana thanks for trying to recreate the posts. I have quite a few of the posts in my folder. I'm not sure how to send it to you Kamla. please let me know, should I just cut and paste them on the reply thread or is there a specific way to send these posts only to you.
~ Naazneen