Afraid to leave my daughter with MIL -- please give some ideas to escape

Vgpss · Nov 28, 2013

I recently celebrated my first marriage anniversary and also the birth of my baby girl. we live in Singapore. Both of us are working and my work is like 10 to 12 hours a day.. When we got married newly I had to work even in the weekends,, I couldn't spend any valuable time with my husband and couldn't find time to cook at home or any other stuff.. One month went like this and after one month my mil and fil came to singapore in one month visit pass.. My Mil's character is like she is always right.. And she comments a lot on peoples' appearance.. She is so obsessed with the skin color and always comments (directly to me) that she didn't get a fair and beautiful daughter in law as per her wish.. She doesn't even realize that it will hurt me.. She dominates everywhere and took over our kitchen.. She wants everything to be made in her way,, even if I cook I have to cook as per her suggestion and she thinks she is the best in everything.. She used interfere in everything like my dressing she even teaches me how to bath,, I lost all my privacy.. She doesn't even know that she should give some privacy to her newly married son and dil..I come home only after 9.30 everyday and gets very less time to spend with my husband.. initially I tolerated all this as they were planning to leave in a month.. But I got pregnant that month and all the morning sickness started,, they extended their visa and stayed permanently in the name of helping me.. I felt very miserable.. Only advantage is I doesn't have to do any household chores.. But I was mentally tortured,, even my husband didn't realize that he is not spending time with me,, he bought me everything I needed and thought he did his duty,, I felt like staying in hostel.. I came home just to sleep.. I have cried several nights alone.. I couldn't even eat what I like when pregnant,, she just asks what I like in front of my husband for the sake of asking but she always does what she has in mind and in her way,, she is a drama queen and always behave like she cares for me a lot in front of DH.. I was feeling so stressed between work and this,, in my fifth month scan they found that I had uterine artery notching and ipregnancy is going to be a risk.. I had to take complete rest hence I had to put leave in advance and came to India to my mother.

After coming here only I felt relaxed in care of my mother and my health condition improved and I had a safe pregnancy,. Even during my labour pain she came to the hospital and tortured me. She is also so much obsessed with the horoscope.. She things her elder son is not doing good in life after her granddaughter birth..when I was already crying in pain she was insisting me that I should call a god when pain comes and she was keen that I should deliver the next day in her favorite star..but I delivered the same day.. I was planning to do exclusive breast feeding.. She stayed with us in hospital and on the third day itself when my kid was crying out of fever she compelled to give formula milk as she cannot the tolerate the crying of our baby,, she kept saying 30 plus years old story and boasted that she had seen so many babies,, even though I had enough milk she kept saying I don't have milk.. And I had to burst out and she made a big drama in the hospital itself..

Now my husband is planning to take her again to singapore to take care of our baby and am not at all comfortable leaving my kid with her,, I don't want my kid to be raised by a woman of that attitude,, I have even gone to the extent of giving up my career for this.. Now I dono how I can convince my husband and avoid bringing her wit us. My DH believes I cannot take care of an infant alone and someone should accompany me.. To My bad luck my in laws have got long time visit pass for three years since my husband is a pr.. I didn't even start living with my husband and now am afraid

Friends please give me some wise ideas to tackle this..

akanksha999 · Nov 29, 2013

Hi VG,

First of all congrats for your sweet baby!

Second, lets count your blessings : a beautiful baby, a well settled husband, a new country to explore and see (am asuming you are new to singapore) and loving parents who took care of you.

Your problem is only your MIL.

To handle her you have 2 options:

Option 1: have a romantic evening with your Dh, then tell him how much you want some time alone with him, to start this life with him, get all lovey dovey and also promise him that you are capable to look after baby on your own, give him the confidence. Tell him if you fail to keep your promise, he can call your mil. Just make him agree....

Option 2: if he does not agree and your Mil comes. If you cannot be rude to her outright, just do this - smile and go about your business, just keep too busy, you niether hear what she says, nor pay any attention at all, ignore everything and mke your life happy and peaceful. Minimise time your dd spends with her.

shantana · Nov 29, 2013

dear Vgpss,
congrats for new baby.
please continue exclusive breastfeeding as it is the best for you and your baby. old timers like our MIL, mothers and grandmas always says our milk alone is not enough for baby and will always insist on giving formula. i had went thru that but i stood firm in giving only BM to my kids until they were 6 mths old.
luckily i had my mother on my side to support exclusive BF. MB will get increase by continuous feeding to the LO. dont worry if ur LO cries frequent due to hunger, feed her frequently and soon ur LO will know to feed longer and more to settle her hunger. and ur BM will get increase by frequent feeding.

now coming to ur MIL. are u really giving up your career to take care of ur LO. if u're are, please consider that. and also since u will be at home full time, just tell ur DH that u dont need ur mil's help.

but if u're returning back to work, please consider to have ur mil to take care of ur baby. baby sitters are expensive in s'pore and u will keep worrying how ur LO is being taken care of. it is the best for everyone, if ur LO is taken care by her own grandma.
once she is little older, say 2 years u may want to send her to daycare or baby sitter.
when we are angry or frustrated, we tend to take decision in haste. think carefully wat is the best for u and the lo and then decide wisefully.
one my of friend in the office doesnt talk with her mil at all. but her mil does everything for her children, the youngest is 3 mths old baby, she even let her baby to sleep with her mil. when she gets home after work, she only need to feed her older child, eat and sleep. no house work or no any hassle. weekends she leaves her children to her mil and goes out wit her dh. honestly, i wish i could do this as well.

keep ur contact to the minimum with ur mil and spend ur time with dh. ask him to bring ur out whenever both of u are on leave.

Vgpss · Nov 29, 2013

Thank you so much shantana and akanksha for spending your valuable time to reply., feeling great that I got new friends to care for.

yesterday I sent a long mail to my husband explaining him that I need a break in my career. Mine is not a permanent job more like an onsite opportunity,, have to return back once the project is over and if there is no other project. The projects will have stringent timelines and we directly report to the client where I can't even think of leaving home on time,, I should be going home only to see my kid asleep.. I cannot suffer like this.. I told him indirectly that I will take care of the kid and we can work cutting down our expenses.. I said we can even rent a room in our house so that our biggest expense - house rent will be reduced which will not be possible if my mil comes.. If I tell him directly that don't bring mil I am afraid that he might turn the other way,, cos he thinks his mother only supported me a lot during pregnancy and no other mil will do like this.. He worships her..

Whenever he is alone with me he will be happy cracking jokes and cares for me so much.. But when his mother is around he will be behaving cautious so that he is making sure that his mother diesnt get jealous or so I dono.. Same thing happened during my pregnancy., til her mother's arrival he was sitting beside me and was massaging my back when I was in pain.. But after she came he was like keeping a distance as she told him not to sit in my bed as people visiting us wil talk bad about him and just came near me to look at the baby which hurt me a lot..

Getting along with my mil is really impossible to the extent I will get psychic.. She talks talks talks and never closes her bad mouth.. Always blowing her own trumpet.. And gossips etc etc.. I hate gossips.. I managed till now since I was spending most time at office.. I decided to leave my Job cos she will make my kid not attached to me and already I will be spending maximum time at office.. Same thing happened with her other dil.. When her kid is closeto her she can't tolerate that,, she jumps in and makes a big drama that nobody else cares for her granddaughter like she does.. She always tells that 5 yr old kid that she can be very fair only when she applies olive oil this and that as if she is going to act in films,, the kid is already fair enough and cute.. I feel these and all will Create a complex in the kids mind.. She always blames her dil that she is not feeding her daughter well that is why she is lean bla bla even when the kid looks healthy..

I will talk to my husband again as per ur suggestion and hope for the best..

guesshoo · Nov 29, 2013

Congratulations on your baby. You already have great suggestions here. One more from me. Be, look and feel really confident while handling your baby. Give your DH examples of your friends who manage on their own and say you'd love to be live that. Also that you are certain you are as capable as these other mums you admire and are excited about doing everything for your child by yourself. Say you are looking forward to being there as a family and have your own lovely routines and bonding time together.

And of course let him know mum can come if you aren't able to manage... Good luck.

ps: I think it's his mum feeding him stuff about how necessary it is for her to be there as you can't manage everything... So, if your plan of being indirect fails, do be direct. If she does manage to wiggle her way into s'pore, come to us again. We'll give tips to how to handle her...

Anitap · Nov 29, 2013

Start your search for a day care in Singapore.

tamilkodi2013 · Nov 29, 2013

dear friend,

If you and your hubby have very gud understanding,you can talk the matter in a right time after checking his mind setup. First trust your intelligent. Tackle your inlaws with your brilliancy. Dont lose your heart.Dont show your fear in your face. Face him boldly. She doesnt want to sacrifice her son for you i. she is very possesive about her son.Get your husband's full love so that he will support whenever u need his support.Dont get irritate or tensed on her activities since it will spoil your health. U should answer him brilliantly.Dont think about him in all time since Her tortures is not a matter at all if your is lovable to you. Think and create ideas to GET privacy with your hubby like going out to purchase for child. Give more love to your hubby than before. Make him trust u you have capable of looking after your baby alone by speaking confidently.

i think it helps.

bye

Vgpss said: ↑

I recently celebrated my first marriage anniversary and also the birth of my baby girl. we live in Singapore. Both of us are working and my work is like 10 to 12 hours a day.. When we got married newly I had to work even in the weekends,, I couldn't spend any valuable time with my husband and couldn't find time to cook at home or any other stuff.. One month went like this and after one month my mil and fil came to singapore in one month visit pass.. My Mil's character is like she is always right.. And she comments a lot on peoples' appearance.. She is so obsessed with the skin color and always comments (directly to me) that she didn't get a fair and beautiful daughter in law as per her wish.. She doesn't even realize that it will hurt me.. She dominates everywhere and took over our kitchen.. She wants everything to be made in her way,, even if I cook I have to cook as per her suggestion and she thinks she is the best in everything.. She used interfere in everything like my dressing she even teaches me how to bath,, I lost all my privacy.. She doesn't even know that she should give some privacy to her newly married son and dil..I come home only after 9.30 everyday and gets very less time to spend with my husband.. initially I tolerated all this as they were planning to leave in a month.. But I got pregnant that month and all the morning sickness started,, they extended their visa and stayed permanently in the name of helping me.. I felt very miserable.. Only advantage is I doesn't have to do any household chores.. But I was mentally tortured,, even my husband didn't realize that he is not spending time with me,, he bought me everything I needed and thought he did his duty,, I felt like staying in hostel.. I came home just to sleep.. I have cried several nights alone.. I couldn't even eat what I like when pregnant,, she just asks what I like in front of my husband for the sake of asking but she always does what she has in mind and in her way,, she is a drama queen and always behave like she cares for me a lot in front of DH.. I was feeling so stressed between work and this,, in my fifth month scan they found that I had uterine artery notching and ipregnancy is going to be a risk.. I had to take complete rest hence I had to put leave in advance and came to India to my mother.

After coming here only I felt relaxed in care of my mother and my health condition improved and I had a safe pregnancy,. Even during my labour pain she came to the hospital and tortured me. She is also so much obsessed with the horoscope.. She things her elder son is not doing good in life after her granddaughter birth..when I was already crying in pain she was insisting me that I should call a god when pain comes and she was keen that I should deliver the next day in her favorite star..but I delivered the same day.. I was planning to do exclusive breast feeding.. She stayed with us in hospital and on the third day itself when my kid was crying out of fever she compelled to give formula milk as she cannot the tolerate the crying of our baby,, she kept saying 30 plus years old story and boasted that she had seen so many babies,, even though I had enough milk she kept saying I don't have milk.. And I had to burst out and she made a big drama in the hospital itself..

Now my husband is planning to take her again to singapore to take care of our baby and am not at all comfortable leaving my kid with her,, I don't want my kid to be raised by a woman of that attitude,, I have even gone to the extent of giving up my career for this.. Now I dono how I can convince my husband and avoid bringing her wit us. My DH believes I cannot take care of an infant alone and someone should accompany me.. To My bad luck my in laws have got long time visit pass for three years since my husband is a pr.. I didn't even start living with my husband and now am afraid

Friends please give me some wise ideas to tackle this..
Click to expand...

Vgpss · Nov 30, 2013

Thank you so much friends for the great advise.. Am looking forward to the right time to talk to my husband.. Wil update you his response soon.

log2loga · Dec 3, 2013

Vgpss said: ↑

Thank you so much friends for the great advise.. Am looking forward to the right time to talk to my husband.. Wil update you his response soon.
Click to expand...

hi VG
sounds like my situation....but it was one year back , my MIL wants to take everything under her control. am living in doha after marraige i came with my DH and we were together only for six months..that time was pretty good.. my FIL passed away after our engagement, so whenever DH call his mom she ll start crying saying that she s alone there.. she felt very lonely she wants to come and stay with us. even-though my MIL's in law is still there(her MIL around 70yrs she s the one who takes care of cooking and other household shopping )and even my FIL's sister s there.. they are n the same house.... but every time when she calls she ll cry and put an initial to come here. it spoils my DH good mood then he kept silent ...then after few months it happens she got visa for three months. but at that time i was close to her whatever i do or i share wit my mom i ll share with her too coz i thought her as a good friend, i received my first salary when she came to doha thats my first first salary after my studies.. am the only daughter to my parents ( i had my brother but he met with an accident when he was 14yrs so i lost my precious brother my parents gaveup everything after this big lost).

and so i asked my mother what you want from my first salary she replied me to complete my education loan... even thats not a big amount if i pay from my salary its less than 10% only...and i bought a gold ring for my MIL.... then i told to my IL that i have to pay my Education loan ... suddenly she burst ed she replied to me why didnt your parents inform this before marriage.. it seems she doesn't like that. from that incident she found small small mistakes from my family side and she started to say that from my family we r not giving her proper respect and blah blah. so my parents felt sad they started to remember their lost son..in this situation i got pregnant ..she overtook everything i don like the way she spoke and her cooking(basically she dont know to cook). but i didn express anything... then i went for my delivery at that time my dad passed away when i was 9 months coz of his sickness my mom s a working woman she s the one who takes care of my father me and her work... during that time my IL's Old IL came to my home for my delivery and to help us thats a good thing i got her on that time.. then i delivered my boy baby it was C section soon after i started breast feeding,then i came to my home after one week thats a very hard time my house s full of guests from my DH side and urging my mom to arrange a grand naming ceremony for new one.. it all happens ...then the oldies started saying this that i don hav milk i know that i hav enough milk for my son.. i tolerated but even sometimes they gave formula to him... then i went to my IL's house after one month again they started the same i replied politely many times that i hav enough milk, one night really i exhausted i shouted that too my grand IL that s apart from my control ... then i felt bad by shouting the elder one. from that incident they started speaking this that family girl should not express anger like this...blah blahh...after that i jus counting my days to come to doha.. during that time i tolerated many things and my MIL always spot things what my mom doing or speaking and she ll tell to me... she ll not share to mom directly... but i tolerated and sometimes even i corrected my mom then i came to doha with my mom for three months after three months my MIL came here many probs happened... so far she ll not speak properly wit my mom she ll not make even a call, my mom ll call her but what the only thing she did s to find mistakes from my mom words... i fed up with her i was very depressed ... even she felt bad on me and she went to india for one marriage... and she dont want to come here so that i quit my job and looking my son.. now my life s peaceful without her interfere. but sometimes she s asking to leave my 1.9yr son with her... i dont like it how to tackle this .... (many things happened bw me and MIL but i cant share everything at the same time )

please forgive if there s any mistake in this post

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