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Advise please about divorce

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Chinju, Jun 1, 2007.

  1. Chinju

    Chinju Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,
    I am 33 yr old married women.Mine was a late arranged marriage as i couldnt get a suitable person. I am working in a software company earning good salary. I got married to a person who is working as area manager in a reputed company. I had to compromise a lot in this marriage as education and work atmosphere.I agreed for this marriage as i was very sure i can adjust with that person.Before marriage we had around 5 months to know each other through phone as both of us was working in different states. My inlaws didnt have any demand so my parents conducted our marriage in a very grand manner only with a condition that both of us should be in same place after marriage.They all agreed for that and after marriage i was about to leave my job and go and stay with him were he was working. But at that time all(inlaws and my husband) said that i shouldnot leave a good job like this and go to a remote place where he was staying. So he agreed to resign his job and look a good one where i was working. But then he didnt come at all.Small problems started arising between us like my husband started saying that i am not giving enough respect to him like i am calling by his name,when he is standing i shouldnot sit, i should spend each peny with his approval, i should give my whole salary to him and should ask each and everything from him. All this i agreed asking him to come with me and stay as he agreed earlier. But he didnot come and stay with me and used to visit only weekends.i told my inlaws all this but again they also supported their son and not me.One good thing is that i was staying with my parents and they knew each and everything what is happening to me. 5 months after my marraige by gods grace i got conceived as everyone was telling that at this late age it is hard to get conceive.When i was 3 months preganant my husband fought with me saying all petty reasons and didnt turn up at all. My parents spoke with their parents, but again they blamed only me and supported their son.Now i gave birth to baby girl this year and then to he or his parents didnt turn up to see the kid.Atlast i got a divorce notice from him after one week of my delivery saying that i am not respecting him and his parents as i am earning good and i studied more than him.I thought i had enough of this and i also replied for that notice. But my parents and my lawyer is saying that i should give a police complaint againt him that he cheated, which at time i feel i shouldnt do that.
    I liked my husband so much and i tried adjusting so much.
    Now friends, i am worried that becuase of my divorce will my daughter get affected. Will my daughter understand me in future as i didnt do anything bad to her father.Sometimes i am really going mad as how i will face this world.Friends please tell me ur opinion inthis.

    Thanks
     
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  2. rs18

    rs18 Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Advise Please

    Dear Chinju,

    Your story had a very sad reading, but i think this is a petty reason for which your husband is seeking divorce. pls be calm this situation is really likely to change through real good sources whom you think are quite close to him

    Pls talk to him , make him understand , he may turn hard at the begining but slowly u can see him being more smooth. Your parents could be the better way of conversation . they may talk to ur inlaws probably

    My prayers are always with you. pls dont worry. your daughter needs u very badly take care of her . she is the source who is going to make her father
    more stable . Beleive in God

    Cheers
    Ramya:)
     
  3. Malathijagan

    Malathijagan Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Advise Please

    Hi Chinju!
    I feel sorry for the turn of events in your life. But let us be practical in our aproach when dealing with delicate and sensitive situations.I remember of a similar situation as yours about a couple. This happened way back in the 70's.Though I do not know the full background of the break-up (since I was very young at the time) I learnt that the couple united after nearly 10 to 15 years!But they did not have kids at the time of separation.
    Now coming to your case, whether you want to sign on the divorce papers sent by your husband or not is fully upto you.Let not your parents or anybody else influence your decision.You being an educated woman and also in a job and having a daughter too, I think you can make right decisions. If you choose to go for a divorce, I would like you to give a last trial with your husband to save the marriage. I don't think, talking to him is going to be fruitful since you would have already done that.You could write an emotional letter to him where the words are well chosen and churn his heart. I strongly believe that this can work wonders if he a right thinking person with right moral values. Even if he does not immediately respond to it, it will keep haunting him and a day may come when he will rethink about divorce. I am suggesting this method because you have written that you love him still, you have nothing against him, you are willing to adjust to his needs, and worried about your daughter.(While on the subject of daughter,Idon't know how old she is,but I am sure it will be a trauma for her. One of our family friend's daughter was in the same situation when she was in the 5th std and it took very long for her to accept the reality. Even now she does go through emotional disturbances when there are get-togethers etc.But she has accepted the situation gracefully as a young lady.)
    I do not know the background of the cause of your divorce. But if some incidents have happened (such as dowry harassment or any other form of physical or mental harassment which is possible to cause long term trauma) where police complaint is preferable as your parents and lawyer feel, then do not hesitate to do so.
    If you need any further help or guidance in this matter, you can private message me for my contact information. I would be most happy to help you.
    All the best for a happy ending (whichever decision gives you happiness and peace of mind).
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2007
  4. cheer

    cheer Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Advise Please

    It’s really sad to hear abt U, I think u have 2 options to consider-

    1) Don’t sign the divorce papers now, take some time. Try to console <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City> hubby that this will not good for <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:City> daughter & maybe if u’ll stay together relationship will improve & everything will be sorted out.

    2) As far as I think <st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City> in-laws & hubby are a greedy people, they want to enjoy <st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City> pay chq & when u refused to give <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:City> whole salary to them, they felt bad. Well 2nd option for ur consideration is give him divorce, maybe sooner or later u’ll find ur soulmate, maybe he is not suitable for U. U’re independent & I saw lots of ladies got married after divorce with kids.

    But don’t be in rush, take <st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City> time, see <st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City> all options & then decide what is good for U & for <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:City> daughter.

    All the best.
     
  5. pavithrasriram

    pavithrasriram Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Advise Please

    hi chinju,
    its really sad to hear ur story.
    but don't worry i sincerely pray everything goes fine with u and for ur daughter.give the marriage ur shots if it works then fine otherwise its ok.i am sure these situations must have made u strong and nobody is a better judge for u than urself.take the best decision for u.
    takecare
    pavithra
     
  6. GPriya

    GPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Advise Please

    Hi Chinju,

    I too feel very sad reading your life's happenings.

    Like other Ilites, I too pray sincerely for your peaceful life.

    Here are my suggestions:

    1. NEVER resign your job especially now as you have a daughter to support. If you resign and go after the husband who didn't care about you or the his own newborn daughter, then your eduaction is of no use.

    2. Before signing the divorce papers, call, talk or make every effort to contact him (not his family) and have a heart to heart talk about various issues and amicable solutions to turn the life for better.

    3. As someone mentioned earlier, i do feel your inlaws are a greedy bunch and spoiling your relationship with your hubby. So forget about your inlaws and try discuss the issues only with your husband and see what he feels about it. If he truly loves you as much as you love him, then he probably will make an effort too to save this marriage atleast for his daughter's sake.

    4. If he doesn't budge for anything and continues to blame you for all his shortcomings, then go ahead as your lawyer suggested and make sure you send a written complaint to the police to make the entire family come around to have a talk and decide about your marriage one way or the other.

    5. After all the above steps, you will have a clear opinion about various things and probably you will make a decision thats good for you and your daughter.

    But, the issue has to be dealt with enormous patience, perseverence and with lots of prayers too to keep you in sane during the period.

    My prayers for you definitely,
    Geeth Priya.
     
  7. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Advise Please

    Hi Chinju,
    we all feel really sad for ur condn, its really heartbreaking. But Chinju u have to be very strong now, recollect all ur days with ur husband and try to feel if u can continue with himthen only u try to mend ur relation. its only u who can think what type of person he is and what he wants and why is he doing so to such a good wife. what u have mentioned according to that i feel he feels himself inferior to u and his parents want a hen who lays golden eggs. if u think u can to continue with him call him to stay with u but not at ur parents house somewhere else only u and ur husband for 1week so that u can talk freely may be u get some solution, may be he understand ur love towards him.
    But u never sign ur divorce paper leave it just forget it once u sign no chance of getting him back and whatever he blames u will be correct and he will be free to remarry. as remarriage is concerned for u will not be very easy to take such decision and difficult with a child. Keep urself busy with ur lovely angel and ur job. U directly say divorce is his decision not ur's. u try to know what is going on at his parents place and if u r in touch with any of his siblings try to know what actually the matter is, may be u get to know something new in ur favor. really God must bless ur daughter a life with all parental love which she deserves.
    take care

    bye
    padma
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2007
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Advise Please

    This is really sad. I advise to be strong and think clearly in this. Sometime life gives too many trials for some.

    Here is what I have to suggest..


    1. It seems to me that somethign else is goign on.. Which husband at that age wll behave like this.. Either he's seeing soem other woman or some other thing is there. You may want to get some spy to really follow him for some weeks. You will come to know reality.

    2. DONT sign divorce papers.. Just cut off all the contacts with him for soemtime.. Dont beg to him aor to his family at all.. Just take care of your duaghter..If they really want divorce ..they will come crawling to you.. Just dont entertain the post. Mail it back with .

    3. Dont raise any police complaint and all. It will only worsen your condition. For soem time and some bribe police may harrass them. But you will be dragged into some long ordeal. So dont even start that thread.. once you do.. ur in-laws and husband will get extra poitns to harrass you.
    Ask your company to give tranfer to some other place. take your parents with you. You and you family needs a break out of this..

    Above were all logical and sensible suggestions..
    Now one more angle. Spiritual angle.. I had tried this many time in my life. I would it would work for you too.. Keep 11 or 21.. "Vaibhav Laxmi Fast"
    Just dont let ur mind question it.. Just do it.. By the end of fasts.. you usually get ur wish fulfilled. It had worked for all the time..

    WIsh you all the best.. Dont loose hope , Stay strong....
    Ria
     
  9. pebblebeach

    pebblebeach Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Advise Please

    Hi ria,
    Can you tell me more about Vaibhav Laxmi Fast. How to do it. I'm from South India. Also if there is any other pujas or chanting I can do at home.

    thanks,
    swetha
     
  10. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Advise Please

    sure Sweta, I would love to tell you.

    I have kept it atleast 6-7 times .. And each time I take to oath to keep 11 fasts on fridays. I tell you.. Your wish really comes true.

    I used to keep it India. So I have some stuff like "MAhalaxmi Yantra" Its a metal plate on which Mahalaxmi Yantra is engraved. You should keep one in your puja place. Then buy one "Vaibhav laxmi Vrat Katha " Book. I got it in Indian grocery shop in fremont. This book has detailed story about how to keep the fast. It very easy process. I usually didnt eat both times in day. I usually have milk fruits . And after 11 fasts . On 11 th friday I do the Udhyapan. I do the simple. You got to distribute 11 Vrat books. I usually keep it in temple and make kheer and als offer it in temple. Do send private message I could detail you more if you want.

    Cheers,
    Ria
     

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