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Adoption

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by SGBV, Apr 17, 2022.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I have always wanted to adopt a kid.
    In fact, I have started thinking about this way before my marriage.

    I was attracted to a baby girl in 2005, and started the adoption process then. But, being an unmarried young girl, I had to face a lot of criticism and discouragement by the family, friends and authorities back in Sri Lanka.
    I gave up the idea in 2007 after giving my heart & soul to this process for over 2 years. During this process, I had developed some emotional connect towards this baby love.
    Even though we are physically separated, I still consider her as my first child & wish her good luck.

    Then my marriage happened. My H & the entire family did not support my adoption plan after marriage. They wanted biological kids.
    I too got a bit carried away after marriage, kids, career & all the problems happened around me in the past decade; hence completely forgotten this inner yearning for long.

    But, after coming to Egypt & especially after seeing a lot of war torn Syrian families, especially the young orphans here, I feel my urge has revived. Now that, I think a lot about adoption.

    I saw a 6 month old young Syrian infant at the immigration office in Egypt. This kid stared at me so affectionately and I could not stop myself from grabbing that child from her crib & hug. She was so comfortable in my hand, and kept on smiling by looking at my face.
    It was a divine moment for me.

    After spending almost 30 mins at the lobby and playing with that beautiful kid (whose caretaker was so desperate with several other young kids and roamed here & there to sort out immigration matters all by herself), I had to leave the place with a heavy heart.
    The child cried uncontrollably and even my H felt heavy to leave the place.

    This happened 3 weeks back upon our visit to Egypt.

    Today, we met the same kid (or may me it is my imagination as all the young infants from Syria look alike according to my H) at a mall. She was put on a cart & no one was attending the kiddo. I am sure, her parents/caretaker would be around, remotely supervising while shopping. It was a busiest mall though.

    The kid was peacefully sleeping till I peeped into that cart. She then opened her eyes, and started smiling at me affectionately. OMG, I couldn't resist myself from holding her up, but my H stopped me wisely.
    We connected instantly, and the child started babbling with me so happily.

    After almost 20 mins, I had to attend my DD, who was actively shopping from the other end. When I left, the child started crying.... Again, with a heavy heart, I had to leave the mall...

    I know, it is just a co-incident. But, for the past few weeks, I dream of having another kid, resembling the one similar to that Syrian baby and I immensely enjoy motherhood in my dreams.

    When I discuss this at home, my H, mom & kids think I have gone mad. They are being practical & pass all the wisdom against adoption.

    They are 100% right... I am 40, and I have two kids (boy & girl). The last kid is almost 9, and my mom still take care of their needs while I focus on career matters, travelling etc...
    My H is not so supportive & I have so much to handle at the cost of my own health to run the home almost singlehandedly.
    There is a long way to go, and at this age my mom is unreliable.

    Given all this, adopt another young baby can be a foolish choice. It can further disturb our lives, and it is not something we can revise later.

    My brain understands every logic behind this. But, my heart yearns for it.

    I feel sad for not being able to materialize my dream for the second time, and to end it with a heart ache again.

    But, I've just got notified that I might be coming back to Egypt for work in June or may be later.
    I don't know what fate holds for me during my next trip :)
     
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  2. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP, I can not tell I understand your feelings because none can understand you better than yourself!
    The Brain v/s Heart is a battle of Tom and Jerry where none wins! There is no end to it either!
    Definitely you have a lot on your plate and another kid is not sensibile decision be it adoption or biological child!
    Lot of bollywood actors like SRK have chosen surrogacy to have a 3rd child late up in their 40s but then they are rich, have nannies to handle kids, cooks to take care of cooking needs and maids and drivers!
    For normal middle-class or even upper middle class families, we cant afford all that. And in your case you are single handedly running the home!.

    Now, does that mean you have to crush your heart and let go of your desire to adopt a child? Short answer - NO.

    Long Answer- Adopting a child can be done in many ways. One such way is you choosing a child you wish to adopt from any orphanage and tell the orphanage authorities that you wish to take every responsibility of that child like sponsoring education or buying books new clothes toys etc. You can visit orphanage as often as you can and meet the child and bond, spend some quality time. You can take care of the food of the child too.
    This way you can fulfil your desires as well as still have everything else in your life undisturbed and within control.

    P.S. this is just a suggestion. I am totally unaware of the legalities that might be required into this but felt that this is one way to satisfy your heart and also not disturb your life.
     
    KashmirFlower and MalStrom like this.
  3. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    @SGBV,

    Adoption is like getting ready to swim upstream against the water current. If you don't have emotional and psychological support within the family, you should not do it. Don't just go with your emotions unless you have a clear plan how to handle adoption. The world may see it as a benefit to a needed child but the adopting parents should see it as a responsibility to raise that child and dervie the pleasure of the parents from it. I understand from your thread that you have a longing to adopt a child from your young age and even if you have a slightest doubt the adopted child may not get the same treatment as your own at home, you shoudn't do it. If I were you, I would work with my family first to get an acceptance before I commit to an adoption. You have a big career and you are dependent on others to handle childcare most of the time. It would be my humble suggestion not to adopt a child unless you are ready to devote full time to raising that child. This longing will be there throughout your life and somehow you have to overcome this through assisting the children in the orphanage.
     
  4. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    I have seen two cases where the mother-in-law was dead against adoption and they had to leave the child with the aashram again.After three years mil passed away.The couple adopted another girl baby.As Viswa has rightly said that it is not advisable to adopt when there is objection in the family. But those who have no biological children and long for babies have to stand firm and complete adoption process.
    How the elderly women talk of 'the blood of their family 'etc.
    Already there are many official obstacles with CARA. NRIs are shown only children with handicaps, which the overseas parent or any parent may not be able to handle.It was not as easy as it was 20 years back.
    Healthy children are handed over for monetary consideration in lakhs.Adoption in other countries like Singapore is more systematic.
    Jayasala 42
    The Adoption Authorities say that they have only a few babies-- an information far away from truth.
    Jayasala 42
     
    Viswamitra likes this.
  5. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Kids are not toys @SGBV. If your husband is not with you, then don't entertain the idea. Convince husband first. A child is a lifelong emotional, physical and financial investment. Tomorrow if you backout after adopting it will be a great injustice. So think and plan well and then decide.
     
  6. msbram

    msbram Bronze IL'ite

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    I have successfully waded through the sea of red tape of adoption and in my experience adoption is very difficult process both procedurally and emotionally. We are very lucky that my whole family not just parents and in-laws but siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins too have been continuously supporting us without even flinching an eye. Even if my husband or I had a smallest doubt we would not have gone through this. We were told by our counsellor that getting the child is a favour to us and the child completes our family. So, her/his needs and feelings are the most important in this. It is tough even in the case of infants and without your own biological children. Tougher with older kids, with siblings, and of different ethnicity. We are plain lucky to have extremely supporting parents (both parents live with us from much before the adoption) who helped us a lot in taking care of our baby. She is now their little princess. This helped us a lot.

    From what I have read about you, you are a Sri Lankan living in Bangladesh. First of all, you need to check if Sri Lanka has ratified the Hague Convention. If so, you can adopt only from countries that have ratified and if not, vice versa. Some 10 years back it was easy for NRI (Indian citizens) in Singapore/Malaysia to adopt babies from Malaysia. It is not possible now because India has accepted the Hague Convention and Singapore/Malaysia havent. And you should check if the country you stay in will give dependent visa for your adopted child. US doesnt give dependent visa for adopted child of non citizens till two years into the adoption. So only US citizens can adopt foreign children and bring back to US. Some countries like India do not allow to officially adopt children younger than 3 months old immediately. And there are religion based laws. When I was doing the process Indian law allowed only Hindus (and allied religions) to technically adopt. Christians and Muslims can only make the child their ward. There were some petitions going on to change this and I have not followed this. So every country has a bunch of rules.
    Even the evaluation process by the appointed agency is not easy. There was some 12 page questionnaire, few hours of interview individually with all the members in the household in addition to detailed background check. We had to do a couple interview and individual interview and the social workers assessment was pretty insightful.

    With all these hurdles, its worth doing it, and our child has brought immense happiness not only to us but our parents and siblings too. If you manage to have the full support and not just consent of your immediate family, you can do it. Only remember that it takes months to couple of years to complete the process and is definitely a big roller coaster ride.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks everyone for your concerns & valuable suggestions on this matter.

    Let me clarify a few points here:

    I do not look for a child through adoption to complete our family. I already have two, a boy & a girl.
    I do not look forward to adopt a child following all these legal process, as they can be so tiring and time consuming. Rather, I sternly believe, I can be a mother of a motherless kid, and give her a home, affection, security, comfort, education & a better future. I want such a kid from a street.
    I read a lot of reports about unaccompanied or separated refugee children, who are under a foster care or left with an extended family member/neighbor. These care-takers have a lot to bear owing to the fact that they are refugees themselves.
    So, these kids are an additional burden on their shoulder.
    I read so much about child abuse, child labor, child trafficking and unattended infant cases on a daily basis. That's one of the reason behind my constant urge to change the fate of at least one such child if possible.

    I can assure, this child will have a better life equivalent to that of my biological kids if she happens to live with us.
    My H may be irresponsible, but he is not a bad person. He can't be a bad father to a fatherless kid. Rather he will surely be affectionate with the kid.
    My mom can not help rising a child at this age, just like how she fondly helped when my kids were babies a decade back. She is old, but she won't be a mean grand-mother or show difference to the unfortunate child if she enters our home. I am sure, my mom would fondly welcome the baby & shower the tiny soul with love & care.

    My Kids do not know what it is to adopt a child. For them, it is like adopting a dog. But I am sure I can raise them all as affectionate siblings. It is all about parenting. Because my children have a lot of great humanitarian qualities.

    However, the issue is mostly practical. That's what made us all at home to reject this idea.
    Like, unreliable domestic helpers.... highly expensive nannies.....
    Having to travel frequently and all the responsibilities of handling a newborn.

    When I had my kids, I took a year long break from my career. I had helpers around because I lived in Sri lanka then. My mom was much energetic, and it wasn't a concern to raise kids.
    But now, we live in abroad and things are different.

    If I could find a reliable nanny/baby sitter or a day care that suits my pocket, I do not think welcoming a new baby into our family will be a problem.
     
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV, your intentions are noble and certainly commendable.
    But taking in children from war-torn areas is not a light undertaking. They will have significant trauma if they are even slightly older and this will often involve lots of therapy for the child as well as the families. If they are from a different culture there is also that aspect to consider, to make sure you keep them in touch with their roots. There are certainly people who step up to these occasions but it’s often not as simple as just throwing resources at the situation.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I have always considered adopting infants less than a year. Because I am aware of all the trauma and other cultural/language related differences we may encounter later on.
    Further, my colleagues were successful in adopting such babies, but they have an easy life compared to mine. They are from the west, and parenting is not as complicated as it is for us.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    How is parenting in the west not as complicated as it is for you?
     

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