Adoption

Dear OP, I can not tell I understand your feelings because none can understand you better than yourself!
The Brain v/s Heart is a battle of Tom and Jerry where none wins! There is no end to it either!
Definitely you have a lot on your plate and another kid is not sensibile decision be it adoption or biological child!
Lot of bollywood actors like SRK have chosen surrogacy to have a 3rd child late up in their 40s but then they are rich, have nannies to handle kids, cooks to take care of cooking needs and maids and drivers!
For normal middle-class or even upper middle class families, we cant afford all that. And in your case you are single handedly running the home!.

Now, does that mean you have to crush your heart and let go of your desire to adopt a child? Short answer - NO.

Long Answer- Adopting a child can be done in many ways. One such way is you choosing a child you wish to adopt from any orphanage and tell the orphanage authorities that you wish to take every responsibility of that child like sponsoring education or buying books new clothes toys etc. You can visit orphanage as often as you can and meet the child and bond, spend some quality time. You can take care of the food of the child too.
This way you can fulfil your desires as well as still have everything else in your life undisturbed and within control.

P.S. this is just a suggestion. I am totally unaware of the legalities that might be required into this but felt that this is one way to satisfy your heart and also not disturb your life.

 

@SGBV,

Adoption is like getting ready to swim upstream against the water current. If you don't have emotional and psychological support within the family, you should not do it. Don't just go with your emotions unless you have a clear plan how to handle adoption. The world may see it as a benefit to a needed child but the adopting parents should see it as a responsibility to raise that child and dervie the pleasure of the parents from it. I understand from your thread that you have a longing to adopt a child from your young age and even if you have a slightest doubt the adopted child may not get the same treatment as your own at home, you shoudn't do it. If I were you, I would work with my family first to get an acceptance before I commit to an adoption. You have a big career and you are dependent on others to handle childcare most of the time. It would be my humble suggestion not to adopt a child unless you are ready to devote full time to raising that child. This longing will be there throughout your life and somehow you have to overcome this through assisting the children in the orphanage.

 

I have seen two cases where the mother-in-law was dead against adoption and they had to leave the child with the aashram again.After three years mil passed away.The couple adopted another girl baby.As Viswa has rightly said that it is not advisable to adopt when there is objection in the family. But those who have no biological children and long for babies have to stand firm and complete adoption process.
How the elderly women talk of 'the blood of their family 'etc.
Already there are many official obstacles with CARA. NRIs are shown only children with handicaps, which the overseas parent or any parent may not be able to handle.It was not as easy as it was 20 years back.
Healthy children are handed over for monetary consideration in lakhs.Adoption in other countries like Singapore is more systematic.
Jayasala 42
The Adoption Authorities say that they have only a few babies-- an information far away from truth.
Jayasala 42

 

Kids are not toys @SGBV. If your husband is not with you, then don't entertain the idea. Convince husband first. A child is a lifelong emotional, physical and financial investment. Tomorrow if you backout after adopting it will be a great injustice. So think and plan well and then decide.

 

I have successfully waded through the sea of red tape of adoption and in my experience adoption is very difficult process both procedurally and emotionally. We are very lucky that my whole family not just parents and in-laws but siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins too have been continuously supporting us without even flinching an eye. Even if my husband or I had a smallest doubt we would not have gone through this. We were told by our counsellor that getting the child is a favour to us and the child completes our family. So, her/his needs and feelings are the most important in this. It is tough even in the case of infants and without your own biological children. Tougher with older kids, with siblings, and of different ethnicity. We are plain lucky to have extremely supporting parents (both parents live with us from much before the adoption) who helped us a lot in taking care of our baby. She is now their little princess. This helped us a lot.

From what I have read about you, you are a Sri Lankan living in Bangladesh. First of all, you need to check if Sri Lanka has ratified the Hague Convention. If so, you can adopt only from countries that have ratified and if not, vice versa. Some 10 years back it was easy for NRI (Indian citizens) in Singapore/Malaysia to adopt babies from Malaysia. It is not possible now because India has accepted the Hague Convention and Singapore/Malaysia havent. And you should check if the country you stay in will give dependent visa for your adopted child. US doesnt give dependent visa for adopted child of non citizens till two years into the adoption. So only US citizens can adopt foreign children and bring back to US. Some countries like India do not allow to officially adopt children younger than 3 months old immediately. And there are religion based laws. When I was doing the process Indian law allowed only Hindus (and allied religions) to technically adopt. Christians and Muslims can only make the child their ward. There were some petitions going on to change this and I have not followed this. So every country has a bunch of rules.
Even the evaluation process by the appointed agency is not easy. There was some 12 page questionnaire, few hours of interview individually with all the members in the household in addition to detailed background check. We had to do a couple interview and individual interview and the social workers assessment was pretty insightful.

With all these hurdles, its worth doing it, and our child has brought immense happiness not only to us but our parents and siblings too. If you manage to have the full support and not just consent of your immediate family, you can do it. Only remember that it takes months to couple of years to complete the process and is definitely a big roller coaster ride.

 

@SGBV, your intentions are noble and certainly commendable.
But taking in children from war-torn areas is not a light undertaking. They will have significant trauma if they are even slightly older and this will often involve lots of therapy for the child as well as the families. If they are from a different culture there is also that aspect to consider, to make sure you keep them in touch with their roots. There are certainly people who step up to these occasions but it’s often not as simple as just throwing resources at the situation.